Foster2Forever

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When Birthparents Make the News

One evening, after putting the kids to bed, I sat back on the sofa and propped my feet up – my first chance to relax after coming home from work.  I flipped on the television and turned on the local news – maybe a new store was opening?

My feet, along with my jaw, quickly hit the floor when I saw this…

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are NOT the birthparents, although they are that good-looking.

My child’s birthparents had been arrested!  Not for shoplifting or writing hot checks – but for an extremely violent crime!

The birthfather was sentenced to prison.

I am thankful that my little boy isn’t in the middle of all that. I am thankful that my little boy doesn’t have to be fearful of the police showing up to take his family away. I am thankful that my little boy is safe!

I am also thankful, in this case, that we have a closed adoption.

(The crime and arrest occurred three years ago, and the birthfather was recently released from prison. I will let you know later how I knew he was released.)

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Are You Ever Really Prepared to be a Foster Parent?

We had taken over 30 hours of training to become a foster parent!
We had a car seat and a crib – the items our caseworker required before opening our home to new placements!
For two years, I had successfully home schooled my teenage stepson with his ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome.
I was ready for a child!!!
Or so I thought….

And then our first placement arrived!

foster-care-parenting-preparations

I learned just how clueless about parenting I really was!

; How clueless were you about parenting?

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Meeting a Child that Changes Your Life: Gabie’s Story

Hi! I am Gabie, a 34-year-old mom who volunteered as part of the Special Learning Program within the regular school. The program was filled with at-risk children; those who are not “regular” in behavior. This is my story of how the Lord brought my attention to foster and adoption:
One child was 8-years-old and lived in the Shelter.  His task was  to draw life under the sea. So, he drew a lonely fish, and quietly began teasing his own little drawing, “Haha, this is a lonely fish. Look! He has no family. He is alone! Silly!” Then he drew another figure, a big fish and said, “He is not alone anymore! Now there is a big fish with him. It is his mom!” He named the small fish *Tommy. (*Made up name to the real child)

The big one? “It’s Gabie”, he said – That’s when I thought to myself, “Wait a  minute. I can be a big fish! Why not?”

Tommy suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and children with RAD can manipulate people.  But, in that moment, I did not feel manipulated. It felt more like he was desperately trying to find normalcy. I don’t believe he actually saw me as his mom, but I believe he just wanted to feel “normal.”  Any adult would do, to fill in his blank.
Often, when I would greet him as he was playing with his friends, Tommy would say (without anyone really asking), “No! This is not my mom… She is not my mom…”, all the while clinging to me.
It was easy to read what was happening. He was not telling his friends that I wasn’t his mom. He was telling himself!  He missed his mother so desperately that he wanted someone to represent her, and I was there.  At the same time, he had to remind himself and others that I wasn’t the real thing. But since it felt so good, he was holding on to me just in case, because it was irresistible to feel nurtured.
And so, my eyes were opened. I could see behind the RAD, behind the melt-downs and behavioral issues. Oh, Tommy had issues. Plenty! But I could see his heart. And to me, it was beautiful!
For 9 months, we desperately did all we could to become Tommy’s foster parents; however, we were not able to qualify as foster parents for Tommy, mainly because of his very intense therapeutic needs. While it felt as though I had miscarried a child, the call remained in my heart.
The sad reality was clear. There are still many hurting children to help. All the hurting children are in desperate need of comfort and open arms. My heart breaks for the lonely ones, who are filled with shame and deep need for acceptance. No child should have to plead for a mom… They should all have one, rather biological or foster or adoptive. They all need a family!

When did you become aware that you wanted to become a foster parent?

Gabie is a 34-year-old mom in the process of becoming a licensed foster home. A stay-home mom by choice (and by God’s grace). She has been married to her best-friend for 12 years. She has two daughters, age 10 and 7 (almost 8). She lives in a small town in Montana (but it is the second  or third biggest in the state?). Slow paced life-style 🙂 Lots of farms and ranches around, all with a touch of cosmopolitan because of the University of Montana being here. She writes about her foster care journey at One More With. Us.

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Why Am I Thrilled About Medicaid?

Because Stinkpot didn’t have Medicaid coverage!

We adopted our foster son, Stinkpot, at 2 years old in 2009. He wasn’t eligible for adoption subsidies as a healthy (relatively), Caucasian foster child under the age of 5.

And we didn’t care! We were thrilled for Stinkpot to officially be our son after a year and a half of him being a part of our family.

However, at age 3, our precious Stinkpot began having uncontrollable rages!  So much so that he got kicked out of THREE daycares for injuring other children and staff! We even began medicating our explosive child after visiting a psychiatrist. One diagnosis, in a list of many, was Reactive Attachment Disorder.

However, Stinkpot’s psychiatric care was getting expensive — We were becoming increasingly frustrated with what the health care facility was charging and what my insurance wouldn’t cover.  For example, the psychiatrist is a specialist requiring a $40 co-pay – but since his office is located in an outlying building on the hospital grounds, any office visit was billed as an outpatient hospital visit that required us to pay $60 out-of-pocket until our deductible was met! Geez! $100 a visit!

We could see that these were long-term issues we were dealing with. Our Stinkpot would need Medicaid assistance.  But we had already adopted him as a healthy child.

We discovered that we had the option to “appeal” the State’s decision to deny Medicaid subsidies for our adopted child through a “Fair Hearing” process.

We began the process in January.  Yesterday, we signed and delivered our Adoption Assistance Agreement to the State office!

The process is long (and bumpy)!  First, there was the long wait in the queue before the Austin attorneys even looked at Stinkpot’s file. Then we were requested to obtain documentation from a physician about Stinkpot’s condition.  The psychiatrist had to write a letter explaining that Stinkpot had these serious issues at the time of adoption, but the disorders couldn’t be diagnosed since he was too young. That was May 10th.

The letter was sent to the State’s attorneys, and then we were denied.  The letter had to have EXACT wording (Legalese).  Another $100 visit on August 9th to the psychiatrist to request the letter – again – this time with the EXACT words the State attorneys required!

The State attorneys reviewed the second letter and sent their letter of finding that Stinkpot would be eligible for foster care adoption subsidies last month.  The adoption assistance negotiator called last Thursday so I could detail all the costs associated with Stinkpot’s care.  We received the Adoption Assistance Agreement this weekend.

Our Stinkpot will now have Medicaid coverage! First on the list is a tonsillectomy, then food allergy testing…

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I’m Treating my Kindergartner Like a Baby – And It’s Working

For those of you with children that may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or other attachment issues, you can understand the disruption it causes in your family. The sheer exhaustion of it all.

Many times I am overwhelmed by the reaction that my child has sometimes. And nothing seems to work. However, after so many of you recommended it, I finally began reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive familyby Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU.  (Read about Feeling Hopeless from Chapter 1. Are you reading along?)

Chapter 2 of The Connected Child is “Where Your Child Began” and describes all the sensory input your adopted child may have missed to be able to form normal attachments in life. Chapter 2 of the companion study guide, Created to Connect, focuses on feeling compassion for your child.  I do feel compassion for my child – I love him – but sometimes when he turns into possessed devil-child, I just want to lay down the strict law to get his little butt to straighten up!

However, there was one small sentence in the book that hit me: “Your job, as parents, is to help these children get what they missed…” Then the study guide expanded on this concept about “Returning to the Beginning” discussing how children may actually be required to “go backwards” in order to move forward. When I read the illustration about the older adoptee wanting hot tea with her mom many times a day and her mom’s comparison to bottles and sippy cups, it struck a chord with me.

Although we received our child as an 8-month-old foster baby, do we need to somehow go backward and makeup for those first 8 months of neglect?

One night, our child had another horrible episode. He wanted to go outside and play football but was refusing to eat supper. He even attempted to throw his plate across the room. FosterDad was clearly in discipline mode.  I intervened with another approach.

reactive-attachment-disorder-therapy

As I scooped my little one up in my lap, he first fought me, but in a soft baby-toned voice, I began saying: “Oh! My little baby needs to eat supper, but this food is for big kids. Let’s mash this up and put a bib on this baby! Oh, here’s a bite. Open wide, baby…”

Would you believe, he began playing like he was a baby and anxiously took bite after bite until he was done?  Then he got down and went outside to throw the football with Daddy.

Whoa! Crazy, huh? But it worked!

Then the next night again, he was throwing a fit about wanting some candy, but we had Pediasure for him to drink. I picked up the squirt bottle it was in, acting like it was a bottle, and put my child in my lap in the rocking chair. “Oh, look at this baby needing his bottle!”  He drank it quickly and the evening went well after all that drama.

This is nuts! But it’s working!

Now, I don’t want my child ruling the roost, so to speak, but by “going backwards”, he is getting something that he missed, and we, as parents, are getting him to mind (in a weird kind of way).  Is this approach the right approach?  Who knows?

There will be someone that will criticize me for “giving in” to his fits, but it’s working right now for our family right now.

Hopefully, I won’t be picking him up and treating him like a baby when he’s a teenager – THAT would be awkward!

Are you reading The Connected Child along with me? What may your child have missed? How can you go backwards to help heal your child?

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Do You Have Baby Pictures of Your Kids?

This is the earliest photo that I have of our JD – taken when he was nearly 5 months old. I found this photocopied picture buried deep in his case file.

Doesn’t he just look sad?

After he was in our home for a month, we took JD with us to Sears Portrait Studio (now closed) to have some quick family portraits made.

So, this is the baby picture of our JD that we cherish.

Fortunately, our JD was young enough to capture the essence of his babyhood; however, this is a stark contrast to what most foster parents have to document their child’s early life.

What photos do you have of your foster children’s early life?

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My Foster Home Is Closed. Now What?

CLOSED

photo courtesy Ben Husmann

So much paperwork! All the regulations and policies for a licensed foster home can be overwhelming at times.

What happens if you can’t seem to get organized? {see my Pinterest board}

What happens if a caseworker decides to close your foster home?

Texas has an appeal process in place where a panel of other foster parents (your “peers”) can review the case.  My husband and I served on that panel recently for our Region. The panel reviews the 5-inch binder case file, interviews the foster parents, and then makes a recommendation that either agrees or disagrees with the State’s decision.

We were unaware of this process, which is rarely used. (This appeal process does not involve cases of foster home abuse or neglect – that is a court matter.)

7741 Peer Review Appeal Process for DFPS Verified Foster Parents

The purpose of a peer review appeal process is to review and make recommendations concerning decisions and actions taken on DFPS verified foster parents. This appeal procedure utilizes the expertise of our foster parents to review adverse actions and help DFPS staff evaluate if appropriate action was taken. These guidelines must be written and given to all DFPS verified foster parents.

Each region will establish a review team that will review and evaluate certain decisions and actions taken with DFPS verified foster parents. The review team makeup will include foster parents.

Each region shall decide when this review team will convene.  The review team will meet on a regular basis or as needed.

Each region that takes adverse action on DFPS verified foster parents that results in home closure must allow these families access to the peer review appeal process. Regions will also use this process when requested in reviewing the following circumstances:

•  removal of children from the foster home for reasons other than allegations of abuse and neglect or court ordered removals;

•  lowering capacity of placements;

•  foster parents placed on corrective action; and

•  staff conflicts with foster parents.

Foster parents that use the peer review appeal process must sign a release of information statement before any information is shared with their peers.

The complete foster home case record, including information in CAPS, will be available at the peer review appeal hearing. If pertinent or requested by the foster parent, each member of the review team will receive copies of the following information:

•  quarterly narratives over the last year (or more if pertinent);

•  all serious incident reports;

•  all developmental and corrective action plans;

•  commendations and any special recognition;

•  home study; and

•  the narratives that are not included in the quarterly narrative over the last year (or more if pertinent).

Once the peer review appeal team makes a recommendation to the CPS program administrator who will make the final decision and notify the foster parent and the peer review appeal team in writing.

Does your State have an appeal process for licensed foster homes that involves a “peer review”?

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Healing from the Grief of a Failed Adoption

Today we have special guest, Annette from Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea sharing her touching story with you…
My story is different than many, in that my husband and I did not decide to Foster but rather we were asked by a teenage mother to adopt her baby that she was unable to care for. We were told that her biological father had nothing to do with her, and her mother told us that she just could not handle being a mother.  “Sweet Pea” was turned over to Department of Social Services (DSS) one weekend and placed in a temporary Foster Home. When her mother met with Attorneys the following Monday. she named us as Guardianship Caregivers (and future adoptive parents). After meeting with DSS and having a home inspection, we signed up for fostering classes and brought Sweet Pea home with us.
The goal of DSS is reunification and we always knew that. but the biological mother (who called me often) was adamant that the father was going to sign the adoption papers. He didn’t! He decided he wanted custody of Sweet Pea and visitations were given. I always dressed her up and sent notes to him about what she was doing that was new (like when she rolled over for the first time).  Eventually full custody was given to Sweet Pea’s father, with a few stipulations, such as taking parenting classes.
We bonded with Sweet Pea, and I had convinced myself she would be ours and her Daddy would not fulfill his part, but he did. After three months, we were told that we had to hand her over to her daddy. I wrote about that day here on my blog.
Losing our foster baby was the hardest thing that I have ever done! It hurt and I’ve cried a river of tears over the past year but I would not change a thing. That baby girl needed a mother figure to care for her and give her stability. I gave her that. She was loved by my three daughters and my husband. We were given the opportunity to talk with her Daddy and give him some advice that parents often give since he didn’t have that kind of family support. As difficult as it was, I can now look back and see that we were there for Sweet Pea and we were there for her mother and her father. We showed them the love of Christ at a difficult time.
Fostering is a blessing for all involved. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but who could walk away from a child in need. The loss of that baby girl was like a death to me, and the healing took a long time. It’s been a year now, and I can finally smile when I see her pictures instead of cry.  Healing takes time but it happens, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of that family’s life during a difficult time.

Has your heart been broken by a failed adoption?

Annette Smith is the wife of a cop and a mother to four children (ages 11,16,18,20) and chickens. She has been married for 23 years. She’s addicted to blogging about her live in the South at Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea.

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My Chick-Fil-A Controversy for Having Too Many Kids

chick-fil-a-anti-gay-controversy-childrenI’m so sick of this Chick-Fil-A controversy! What happened to the right to free speech? ENOUGH already!

However, I recently had my own Chick-Fil-A  controversy.  As you know, I’m still adjusting to the dynamics and logistics of large family living and herding 5 children.

Last Saturday, after a quick visit with cousins out-of-town, I took all the kids to a Metroplex Chick-Fil-A before loading them back into the GMC Yukon for the ride home. My plan: play hard, then sleep hard on the ride home.

Five kids into a restaurant by myself? What the heck was I thinking? I’m no freaking SuperMom, for Pete’s sake!!!

kids-at-chick-fil-a-controversy

That being said, I thought I did fairly well ordering our meals, keeping Cupcake and Twinkie with me while the boys rushed off to play. I quickly found a table adjacent to the playroom, and set up camp. Sometime, in the midst of feeding the preschoolers and 10-month-old Cupcake, 4-year-old Donut announced that he needed to go to the bathroom. I mumbled “in a minute” as I was wondering how in the world I was going to manage taking this brood to the bathroom.

I looked up and saw that he had already darted across the restaurant and was going into the mens room. Well, “not a whole lot I can do now that he’s already made a run for it” was the thought that crossed my mind. So I watched the mens room door, and in hindsight, should have sent Stinkpot after him.

A couple minutes later, a man who had been sitting near the bathroom approached me. “Is that your little boy in the restroom? He’s needing help.”

I scooped up Cupcake, and went and opened the mens room door. Donut was in the stall with his pants at his ankles exasperated that he couldn’t find the toilet paper.  He obviously didn’t realize the large contraption in the stall is, in fact, toilet paper. I coached him through wiping, flushing, washing and drying his hands with the mens room door open while watching the other kids eat.

As Donut ran back to the table, the man spoke to me:

“I’m not one to tell other people how to parent, but you should never have your children any more than an arms length away from you at all times. You should be able to grab your kid in an instant.“

Dumbfounded, I replied, “Yeah,” and turned to go back to my table.

My response only irritated this man.

“Listen! I work in a penitentiary and there are some bad people out there! Bad people! That could do horrible things to your kids.“

Downtrodden by this single man’s judgment of me, my only reply was “I know” and I walked back to my table.

I knew he was right. I now have a large family for the time being, and I should have had a plan before I attempted to step foot into a restaurant with 5 little ones.

I also wish my reply would have been more like:

“I know all about bad people. Two of the kids’ dads are in prison and the other would be if he hadn’t be deported. If more people like you who know so much about parenting would open their homes to foster children, then I wouldn’t have 5 children in mine!“

How do you manage handling numerous children in public? What would have been your response to the single man?

I’m Clever

Sway