Foster2Forever

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How Adoption Changed Our Story

November is National Adoption Month and a time to celebrate the unique way families grow via the miracle of adoption.  Each adoption story is unique and woven together in a special way.

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Follow me on Instagram as I share our adoption stories (we have three).

DAY ONE – FACT  Nearly 102,000 children that are currently available for adoption from the foster care system in the United States simply need a parent!  Not a perfect parent, but a parent perfect for them! More than 30 percent (31,000) of these foster kids are between the ages of 11 and 17.

FACT: Over 100,000 children in #fostercare in the U.S. are available for #adoption.

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

DAY 2 – INTRODUCTIONS DAY 3 – THOUGHTS BEFORE ADOPTION You can read more of my infertility struggle.

DAY 4 – THOUGHTS AFTER ADOPTION

DAY 5 – OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVES The perspective of others can sometimes be insensitive and other times downright hurtful. My family just didn’t understand the importance of our son’s adoption.  I was elated on our adoption day but still felt intense grief due to my mother’s rejection.

DAY 6 – HOW WE MET We have 3 sons each through the miracle of adoption. Our oldest son was adopted via a private adoption, yet the youngest two sons were adopted via foster care. You can download the full story of our youngest son’s adoption.

HOW WE MET: Our oldest became our #son via a private #adoption. Steve rushed to Houston when birth mom went into labor, but Bubba couldn’t wait to make his appearance. His birth mom gave him a notebook about her & the dad with photos, letters, & fun facts – we still have it. Our middle son, JD, came to us as a #baby for #fostercare only. He lit up my heart when the CW was still holding & he smiled at me with only two bottom teeth. So sick & congested, he only slept 15 minutes at a time that first miserable night. He officially became our #son 2 years later. Our #babyboy, LilBit, came as a call just before Christmas at 4 months old as a legal risk #placement going immediately to adoption. Lots of crazy court cases before we adopted him 2 years later on #NationalAdoptionDay. #KnitTogetherByAdoption   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

DAY 7 – OTHER HOMES Our middle son, JD, was placed in another foster home before he joined our family.

DAY 8 – WHAT MAKES ME SMILE – WORLD ADOPTION DAY

DAY 10 CULTIVATING BIRTHFAMILY CULTURE  We don’t celebrate our son’s Mexican culture to the same extent as our American culture.

 

Stay tuned on Instagram!

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Win an Autographed Copy of Nia Vardalos’ Instant Mom

I’m so excited to offer the readers of Foster2Forever a chance to win a copy of Instant Mom – autographed by Nia Vardalos herself!!!

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If you haven’t read this book –> What are you waiting for???

The writer and actress of My Big Fat Greek Wedding honestly shares about how she became a mom of a preschooler instantly with a phone call! I could certainly relate to her frantic last minute preparations for a child, as anyone that has been a foster parent can understand.

For the first time, Nia reveals her secret struggles with infertility, all while her Hollywood career was skyrocketing, and having to field questions such as “Any baby news?”

I loved this book and highly recommend it for anyone interested in adoption.

GIVEAWAY – Enter to win via the Rafflecopter below! Ends Tuesday, April 14, 2015 at midnight. (Note: Nia or her publisher, HarperOne are no way associated with this giveaway.)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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From Empty Womb to Full House

“How long have you been off birth control?” the doctor asked at my annual checkup.

“Two and a half years,” I responded.

“Let’s run a few tests on you and your husband to see what is going on, okay?”

Blood tests, MRI, ultrasounds, urologist referral, surgery for the husband and at the end, there was no hope of ever becoming pregnant.  We were infertile! Devastated!  This was in the Spring of 1993, three and half years after we had been married.  We prayed, and then tried to move on.

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Through a friend of a friend, a miracle occurred and we privately adopted a newborn baby girl who was born in July of 93.  This year-long process to adopt her totally wiped us out both emotionally and financially (there were all kinds of complications).  Although we were happy that we had a child, we were struggling emotionally over the disappointment that we would never have our large family.

After several years of heartbreak – never experiencing the miracle of pregnancy – our hearts began to soften toward the idea of adoption. But we knew we couldn’t afford a baby, nor did we want there to be a huge age difference between any of the children.

Our daily newspaper runs a weekly series “Wednesday’s Child” that profiles a child who is in the foster care system who was needing a forever family.  One Wednesday, we found a child who would fit great into our family.  It was at that moment that we knew that we needed to look at adopting through foster care.  We took our classes, got our foster care license and adoption certification, and eventually adopted a nine-year-old girl.   As we walked out of the courthouse after the adoption hearing was over, our newly-adopted daughter and our oldest daughter told our licensing worker: “Let’s do this again! We want another little sister!”

Eighteen months later, we adopted an eight-year-old little girl — after that, a three-year-old boy — and then a nine-year-old boy.  None of these children are biological siblings, yet they have woven themselves together as brothers and sisters.

We have been married for twenty-three years and our children are now 19, 16, 13, 10, and 6.  Our oldest daughter and her husband have an 11-month-old baby boy.  We recently opened our hearts and home to fostering the 0-4 years old age group.  We currently have four placements; sibling brothers ages 2 and 4, an 18-month-old boy and a 12-month-old girl.  To our surprise, there is a possibility that each of them may become permanent members of our family as well.

It has been years since grief has overwhelmed us at the idea of not having our own biological children.  Baby showers are now fun to attend.  Ultrasound photos and pregnant bellies on Facebook are now moment of joy instead of jealousy.  Although  we would welcome a pregnancy, we believe that God has richly blessed us with our perfect family through adoption.

Cathy Eley is a 44-year-old stay-at-home mom who two years ago left a local government supervisory position after twenty years to be a full time mom to five adopted children plus a foster mom to children under age 4.  She received a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration in 2011. She married her high school sweetheart who is an elementary school principal in the school district that she grew up in. They have struggled with infertility their entire marriage yet been blessed through adoption with five children. Our family motto is “One At A Time”.  Our life verse is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord. “Plans  to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”  They are active in their local church in Scottsdale, AZ and enjoy loving on children as much as they can.

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Join the Movement to Become a Foster Parent

INFERTILITY

Doubt. For me, doubt is an overwhelming emotion that leads to incurable guilt. My journey through infertility created incredible doubt about my life decisions. Doubt about my decisions to focus on my career and delay marriage until age 40. Doubt about my decisions of waiting after marriage to begin a family. Doubt about my decisions to not continue fertility treatments. Through my journey of infertility, I felt alone in my desperation to become a mother. That insatiable desire to conceive a child began consuming my thoughts and devouring my life.

In November 2006, our fertility specialist gave us grim news: “Your eggs are gone. You will need an egg donor if you want to conceive.” That was it! Our hope to conceive a child was over within two years of marriage. I felt alone in my grief as a failure as a woman. My sweet husband was encouraging me that there was a child – a child we hadn’t met. A child that would be ours that might not even been born yet.

FOSTER CARE LICENSE

After grieving through the Christmas holidays, we began the year 2007 renewed with determination to bring a child into our family. With our “older age”, we were limited in our adoption choices and began our quest to become a licensed foster home.

We logged hundreds of miles traveling across Texas actively pursuing that elusive foster care license, during a move. Finally, on March 4, 2008, after over a year of wading through the licensing process, a phone call changed our lives forever.  A caseworker said: “We have a baby boy for foster only.” She repeated, “Foster only.”

PLACEMENT

That 8-month-old baby boy pierced his way into my heart, changing me forever.  I was overwhelmed with instant motherhood: “What does an 8-month-old eat?” My heart rejoiced as my body ached for sleep.  I was exuberant to be a mother to this baby boy, if even for a short time.

As a foster parent, a child maybe part of your family for short time, sometimes forever.  Against all odds, this baby boy’s birthfamily made a sudden decision we weren’t expecting. “He’s better off where he is.” This foster child would become our forever son! We finalized the adoption of our baby boy in the summer 2009.

COMMUNITY

Around this time, I discovered the expansive, online world of blogging. I began writing online about my journey through motherhood and our foster care adoption experience. Over time, other foster parents began following our journey and sharing their experiences and frustration with the foster care system. I love how this blog has developed into a community.

HOPE FOR MOTHERHOOD

Through blogging, my hope is to encourage others that it doesn’t matter how you become a parent. Becoming a foster mother to a baby boy changed me – changed my focus. My infertility wasn’t an issue any longer. Being a mom to this neglected child became my focus. By hope is to encourage others that infertility is just a journey: the end result is that you can become a parent to a child that needs one. 

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Over time, the fact that my sons are adopted makes no difference.  Those little boys, although not my DNA, are my sons.  And it doesn’t matter how they joined our family.  We are a family.

Join the movement to become a foster parent. Over 250,000 children in the foster care system need a home – some foster children need a home for a while, yet some foster children are legally free for adoption and need a forever home now. Who knows? One just might become your forever son or daughter.

You can learn more about the disease of infertility and about National Infertility Awareness Week.

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When a Mom’s Infertility Brings Her a Son

My Story: I was the single mother to two girls before I met my husband. The girls’ and I had been on our own with no emotional or financial support. It was tough. After meeting and falling in love with Ross, we were married and I wanted to have another child………oh, how I prayed for a son! We tried for months, and 2 years into our marriage decided to see a doctor. We discovered that I wasn’t making eggs on my own. I began medications, first oral and then on to injections and finally on to the fertility clinic where we had even more medical interventions and inseminations to try to conceive.

Month after month, I felt like a failure. Month after month, I wondered why I was denied a child when so many others were aborting babies or having them and abandoning them. I prayed, I bargained, I plead with God to give me a child. We went into debt to pay for more medications and more procedures. Until I finally said enough……the failure was more than I could stand. My heart was broken, my body had betrayed me…God had abandoned me…I was less of a woman and a failure as a wife.

A co-worker suggested that I become a foster parent since there were so many kids in need. Maybe it would help me feel better? So Ross and I attended classes and received our foster care license. I figured that I could foster kids until their parents got things figured out……..stay busy and keep my mind off of my own failure to conceive.

Why me? Why was I not good enough to be given another child?
I was scared…….confused…….and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given a child who healed me.

His Story: I was born to a mother who did not know how to take care of me. I spent my first 18 months in my room, in my crib without much interaction. I was not bathed regularly, and the medical conditions I had were not treated properly. I learned that crying didn’t get me what I needed, so I was quiet most of the time. I watched the shadows fall across my nursery wall each evening, and those same shadows disappear each morning. For 18 months I was given bottles, just enough care to keep me alive. Month after month, I waited and I wondered what this was all about. I could not evoke much of a response from those around me, so I stopped trying. The failure was more than I could stand.

Then one day, people came and took me from my nursery with the shadows on the walls each evening. And I was taken to a new place they called a safe house. It was noisy and there were people in and out. The lights and noise terrified me! I wasn’t used to all the movement, TV, radio, voices, crying, and the openness of the world outside my crib was more than I could stand. I withdrew into myself so I could get things figured out……..A car ride later I was in yet another place, and then another. The further I withdrew, the safer I felt.

Why me? Why was I not good enough to be loved like a son?
I was scared………confused……..and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given to a woman who healed me.

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Our Story: {{God’s amazing plan}}  Sometimes we pray for things to happen to us or for us, but we expect God to give them in the way WE perceive them.  Had you told me 2 years ago that I would no longer yearn for a baby in my womb – that I would no longer feel the pain of secondary infertility, I would have told you that you were wrong.  No way could God heal me through anything less than a pregnancy! Had you told my precious boy 2 years ago that he would have two adoring parents, two sisters, two big dogs and love to rival that of the wildest imagination – he probably would not have believed it, either. God is absolutely amazing in His gifts. He will give you more than you can ever dream possible if you allow Him the opportunity.

If I could trade my experience with my “forever boy” for a perfect, textbook pregnancy with a healthy son as the outcome – I wouldn’t. I know with every cell of my body that this child was made by God to be my son.  Although he did not pass through my body to enter this world, at the time of his birth he WAS born to me…but delayed in being with me……and we both knew it the moment he was placed into my arms.

I am not a public speaker, nor am I someone who could be pointed out as a “model Christian.” I fall short of the glory of God every day of my life. I am not worthy of the gifts bestowed on me.  But I can tell you that during my dark days of bargaining and pleading and begging God to give me a son, I made the promise to testify to His glory if my desires were granted. I would tell others of grace, healing, and the love of God. If you turn to Him, trust in Him – your cup will run over. I am healed. In so many more ways than I asked to be.  I know only joy. I Praise God.

Deirdre works for the Nebraska Foster Adoptive Parents Association mentoring, supporting and training Nebraska’s foster parents.  She and her husband, Ross, of 11 years have four children (2 adopted) and one teen under guardianship.  One of her children suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and an attachment disorder.

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Infertile Is Just a Word

Infertile. It was never a word I thought would describe me. From the time I hit puberty, my cycle was like clockwork. The clockwork lasted until the moment my husband and I decided we were ready to start a family. Then everything went haywire.

Month after month for several years we tried and prayed. Every month our hearts were broken and confused. Then one month, it came. A positive pregnancy test. Finally! We were going to be parents! But the pregnancy was rough from the beginning and our Baby went to be with Jesus at a very early age. And the longings and confusions started again.

Our thinking then started to change. Late one night, my husband and I started the discussion about opening our home to children in foster care. We had the love and we had the home – why not? It wasn’t until we met our boys that we decided we wanted to make this a permanent adoptive home as God opened opportunities.

Our boys are not legally ours, yet, but the case moving in that direction. In our hearts, these children are as much ours as any biological baby could be. I still miss our biological Baby, but if I had given birth, I know I would never have met Lil’ Guy and Lil’ Mister! I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

It’s odd how things have changed. Now, every month, instead of praying that I will need to run and buy a pregnancy test, I pray and beg God that my period will come! Pregnancy has no appeal to me now – after a rough pregnancy, not wanting to put my body through that torture and knowing that we have a family in our 2 infants and whomever else God might have for us to care for – short or long term. They have our hearts. I am quite content and grateful for the family God has and is providing.

Infertile. Yes, it is a word to describe me. And I’m thankful for it.

Infertility does not have to be the end. You can love a child just as much through adoption.

Jeri was born and raised in Alaska.  She went to Azusa Pacific and the University of Northern Colorado, where she got her degree in Elementary Education.  After teaching 4th grade, she spent 5 years in Thailand as a missionary, working at an orphanage and teaching English at a local university. While in Thailand, she met and married her husband. They have been foster parents in Alaska for about a year.

You can read more on infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week.

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Does Adoption Cure Infertility?

As an advocate for foster care and adoption, I wish I could say that we began this journey out of the goodness of our hearts, that we felt compassion for the children who could not be with their original family, and that we desperately wanted to provide a home to those in need.  I wish we could say that we have always wanted to be foster and adoptive parents, but that is not our story.  We are infertile.  It was only after struggling through an uncorrectable, secondary infertility diagnosis that we even considered foster care and even that was only in hopes of adopting.  Yes we loved children and sure we thought it was important that someone take care of them, but we had never stopped to think that that someone might be us.

Foster-to-adopt is one of the many family building options thrown at infertile couples.  We hear things like “why don’t you just adopt” (as if it were that easy) or “there are children out there who will be lucky to have you as parents”.  Most infertile, foster/adopt parents have been lucky enough to hear the infamous “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” line.  These things are said by well-meaning individuals who are just trying to be supportive, but the truth of the matter is that infertility is not fixed by adoption.

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I may be isolating both the infertility and the adoption community with this one, but it’s true – adoption does not cure infertility.  Adoption and/or foster care may very well be the best option for you.  My husband and I believe strongly that more people could and should foster/adopt and we can attest to the unbelievable joy we’ve received from traveling this road.  I will continue to encourage people, infertile or not, to consider their role in foster care because there are children out there who need good homes and most of us could provide that.  You can make a difference.  There are children out there without a home, without parents.  You should strongly consider it.

Your infertility won’t go away.

We’ve known about our fertility challenges for 5 years and have been foster parents for 2.  I don’t think about infertility often – I no longer think about ovulation or calculate potential due dates on a regular basis.  Frankly, with 4 preschoolers I don’t have time to worry about it.  I am a grateful parent now.  I have had the wonderful opportunity to parent 11 children – I have had sons and daughters in several different combinations with different personalities.  My biological son now has a forever sister – one who won’t go away.  I love them all so much.  But I still desire to be pregnant again.  I still desire to have more biological children.  Even with 4 kiddos I still wonder what it would be like to add another one to the mix and I wish I could just make the decision to get pregnant, like so many others do easily.  When I go to a baby shower or hear another announcement it still stings a little.  The pain has faded and I’m distracted by caring for my family, but I’m still infertile.  People need to know that.  We can’t expect people struggling with infertility to adopt or become foster parents or even conceive through treatment to just move on and never think about infertility and the scars it causes.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week – consider reaching out to someone you know who has gone through infertility and acknowledge their journey, even if you think they’ve come to terms with their situation.  It’s good to know you’re not ignored.

I wouldn’t trade our experience as foster/adopt parents for fertility – ever.  

Learn the facts about infertility.

What’s your hesitation to opening your home to foster children? Join this great conversation on Facebook!

 

Foster-momMarie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a wife, mama, foster mama, employee in corporate America, and Ph.D. student. She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and along with her husband has fostered 9 other children in 2 years. Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…

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Don’t Ignore Foster Care Adoption

After learning of our infertility in November 2006, we were down and depressed.  However, during the Christmas holidays, we conceived!  We conceived the idea of adopting a child through foster care. We first realized that we were really expecting a child after attending an information session on foster care.

That first trimester was just as full of nausea as any other pregnancy with all the arduous adoption paperwork which were complete with background checks, fingerprinting, and long, boring long-distance childcare classes that we were required to complete.

We thought the second trimester would slow down a bit since we had completed the state requirements to become adoptive parents. All we were waiting for was to finish our in-home study and inspection, or so we thought.   However, the resting point didn’t come.

Although we had been planning to move to a larger town in 2007, we didn’t realize that we would sell our country home in less than a week.  We found our dream home the very next day, complete with what would be a baby’s room.

As we began the disarray of packing for our move, our caseworker would arrive for our home study.  With that “final” task behind us, we hoped that our child would come soon.

The last trimester was one of “nesting” into our new home.  Our actual moving day was the day after school was out. As hectic as every move is, we were relieved to finally be “home!”

Two weeks after the move, I returned to the workforce in a new challenging job.  My husband, stepson, and even I had to adjust to my new role outside the home.  I wondered how in the world I would be able to juggle it all when school began in the fall.

We completed our fire and health inspections of our new home, one of the final steps for placement of a child.

As we excitedly approached our “due date”, my nesting instincts kicked in with lots of preparation for the baby’s room. We purchased a crib, and the baby’s bunny bedroom began taking shape. We were starting from scratch as far as any baby items since this would be my first (non-furry) child.

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The girl's bunny bedroom that became a boy's sports bedroom

I was certain that my water would break soon after, and that when my daughter finally arrived, she would be approaching her first birthday.

It’s amazing how true that was…except that my daughter would be my rambunctious boy, Stinkpot, that we adopted through foster care!

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week to help others learn the facts about infertility.

If you are suffering from infertility, please browse through this site to read more about how we became parents through the miracle of adoption through foster care.

Also, sign up to receive our e-book detailing how we adopted our second baby through foster care – a true miracle!

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What if We’d Said No?

We started out, like many couples, looking into foster care after severe (secondary) infertility.  Our dreams of having a large family had been crushed by the heavy weight infertility can bring.  We wanted more children.  We wanted our son to have siblings.  We had very self-centered motives.

So we looked into all avenues of adoption.  We quickly ruled out international.  We considered domestic infant adoption, though the cost was prohibitive or at least made us consider doing IVF first.  We explored foster-to-adopt programs through our state and though the financial impact was substantially less, we struggled with how the revolving door of foster care would impact our family.  Eventually, after talking with various friends who’d pursued adoption, primarily through foster care, we decided to become a licensed foster/adopt home through the state – willing to take legal risk placements but only “once or twice” before we turned to straight adoption.

Our lives and hearts have been changed.

Our foster care license was approved two years ago (today!).  It took 19 more days before were notified and 7 more before a sweet boy and girl came through our door.  I remember I’d chosen to stay home from work for a day adjust and find daycare, doctors, etc.  I remember sitting there at dinner that night with an empty plate, having not made enough dinner for 5 as I was used to cooking for 3, thinking about how there was no way I could go back to work.  I was in love with these children – all of them.  It was apparent that caring for these children, whether I birthed them or not, was a great calling and wonderful blessing.

I did go back to work but arranged to work from home so I could transport the kids to visits.  It wasn’t long before I met my first “birth family” – mom, dad, grandparents, and more.  I was able to calm their fears and encourage them.  I was able to tell them that their children were safe and well-cared for and loved in our home.  I was able to see how much they loved their children and yet struggle with certain demons.  By the end of that visit I knew we’d not only been called to care for children who needed a home, short- or long-term but also to minister to families who were struggling and needed help.  By the end of that visit the parents had chosen to keep their children with us instead of moving to relatives.  What an honor!

Those kiddos left after 8 weeks to move in with their grandparents and later moved into a different adoptive home.  We too have moved on – in the past 2 years we’ve fostered 10 children and were privileged to adopt our beautiful daughter.  We’ve had a wide variety of kids. And many, many memories.  We’ve seen children reunified successfully and parents who lost custody.  We’ve seen relatives step in to help and some show tough love.  We’ve seen heartache and misery but also great joy and celebration.

One of the most popular things foster parents hear from those who’ve not walked in our shoes is something along the lines of “I couldn’t do that.  It would be too hard to love them and let them go”.  Having once been in those shoes, having said those same words, I now stand here with a radically different worldview knowing without a shadow of a doubt that though it may be hard it is well worth every sleepless night and every shed tear.  We love children and families who need extra love and support.  We help mentor others who think they might want to foster or adopt.  We are a real-life example of a normal family doing something the world sees as extraordinary.

Sometimes we step back and ask ourselves – what if we too had said no?

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Foster-momMarie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a mama, foster mama, and Ph.D. student.  She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and has fostered 9 other children in 2 years.  Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…

I’m Clever

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