Motherhood Archives - Foster2Forever

5 Ways Hearing Loss Made Me a Better Parent

I had been suffering with a cold for over a week, fortunately not the flu. I was waking up with a stuffy nose, but this January morning was different. I woke suddenly that morning with excruciating pain in my left ear. I had woken up with a sudden ear infection!

What’s this about? I hadn’t had an ear infection since I was a young child! I tried lifting my head but was overcome by dizziness, then I realized I couldn’t hear.

During my doctor visit, I was concerned about my hearing loss, but he assured me that antibiotics would clear up the infection. He said I would be better in a few days. However, after a few days of antibiotics, the pain had subsided, but I still couldn’t hear out of my left ear.

I called the doctor again; my stomach in knots. The doctor assured me again to not be alarmed. He even stated that my hearing may not return to normal for a month! I just had to have faith that the doctor was right.

So I began adjusting to life (and parenting) with a hearing impairment, and what I realized shocked me about my parenting style.

5 WAYS HEARING LOSS HAS MADE ME A BETTER PARENT:

1. NOT TALKING ACROSS ROOMS

I never realized how often our family talks to each other from across the room. By losing my hearing, I suddenly couldn’t hear what my family was saying to me. I realized that I had also been talking from a distance — Many times, it was me wanting my children to do something OR stop doing something. Then, when they didn’t comply, I would get irritated at them for “not listening to me.” How funny is that? Now I was the one not listening because I couldn’t hear. Do you find yourself talking across a room at your children?

2. GETTING CLOSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER

This sudden hearing loss required that I be close to hear what my children were saying. Getting close didn’t just mean proximity though. Getting close also meant that I had to put aside what I was doing in order to hear my child. A parent’s one-on-one full attention to a child strengthens the parent-child connection that children from hard places desperately need.

3. LOOKING AT MY CHILDREN WHEN THEY SPEAK

This hearing loss was particularly hard for me as I grew up with a father that had a severe hearing loss. Would history be repeating itself? Wouldn’t that be ironic? Growing up, my dad was always asking his children to look at him when we spoke. My dad needed that face-to-face contact so he could read our lips. When I lost my hearing, I discovered how valuable looking into my child’s face was – both in understanding what my children were saying, and letting them know that I was completely tuned into them. Many times, children from hard places haven’t had an adult tune into them and meet their needs.

4. CREATING EYE CONTACT IN CONVERSATIONS

As the famous quote says: “Eyes are the windows of the soul.” Eye contact helps with attachment and your child’s ability to connect with people. That means getting down to eye level with your children so you can make that eye contact and truly listen to their needs. Eye contact shows your children that you are tuned into them.

5. STAYING CALM DURING A TANTRUM

Because I couldn’t hear, tantrums didn’t bother me as much. I was able to literally “tune them out” making it easier for me to stay calm. As a child throws a tantrum, not engaging in the tantrum helps parents stay calmer. A parent must not get caught up in a child’s dysregulation to be effective in bringing a child back down to calmness.

Over the last two months, my hearing has improved, but it still hasn’t been fully restored. However, having this hearing loss has taught me how to connect better with my children to avoid the confusion and frustration that can come with not being heard.

2:02 pm by Penelope

The Surprising Way Your Past Trauma Affects Your Foster Children

Now that all 20+ sessions of the Adoption HEART Conference have been broadcast, I want to share how these sessions have impacted me and changed my outlook on raising my adopted children.

I will be the first to admit that as an adoptive parent who “rescued” children from the foster care system, I am flawed. First, I had my head in the sand about some very important issues that drastically affect how effective I can be as a parent to traumatized children.

YOUR PAST TRAUMA WILL RESURFACE

The most surprising theme for me that ran through many of the sessions of the Adoption HEART Conference is that parents must recognize the impact that personal past trauma will have on their ability to effectively parent trauma.

My history is spotted with family dysfunction, substance abuse, domestic violence, along with physical and sexual abuse. Although I felt had to come to terms with my own past trauma, I had failed to recognize its importance in my ability to stay calm and not be triggered by my child’s trauma. As therapist Amy Sugeno stated in her session:

“If a parent experienced childhood trauma, they are at a higher risk for developing secondary trauma.”

Wow! She went on to explain:

“A child’s trauma may trigger a parent’s past trauma.”

Now, my trauma happened many, many years ago. I actively pursued healing as a young woman through many counseling sessions, group therapy with other survivors, and even hypnosis to clear some of the bad memories. When I eventually came to the point of restoration, I felt alive, healed, and finally over the mountain of heartache that was my youth.

However, as I became a foster parent, I was surprised at how my past trauma caused me to react. To this day, I cringe when a young girl is hugged by males or sits on a man’s lap. I become nervous, edgy, and can even become downright bitchy. My instinct is to snatch the girl from what can be a truly appropriate sign of affection. (It’s ironic because as a little girl, I always felt safest in my Daddy’s lap.)

I began to realize that due to this hyper-vigilance from my past trauma, it would be best for me if I didn’t parent little girls. It is just too nerve-racking for me.

HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY YOUR PAST TRAUMA

Evaluate your past. You can begin by journaling about your three biggest hurts in your past. Many times you will begin to see a pattern.
Evaluate your present parenting. Journal about the times you may have just lost it while parenting your child. {no judgment here} look to see if you can identify your triggers.
Compare your current triggers with your past. Examine both lists and look for any overlapping issues. Determine if your current triggers are somehow associated with your past.
Determine if your feelings are somehow associated with your past. One way that you can do this is when your child is misbehaving, before you react to your child’s behavior: Stop, breathe, and question your feelings.

9:32 pm by Penelope

What I Learned When I Rode a Roller Coaster with My Son

Now that my son is getting older (he just turned 8) – he recently re-introduced me to the “joy” of riding roller coasters, and at SeaWorld, no doubt!

Did you know SeaWorld rides include roller coasters?

When was the last time you rode a roller coaster? We are talking decades for me! Last time I rode a roller coaster, I had a “Rachel” haircut and my CD collection was comprised of grunge rock bands. Before I tell you what happened after a two decade absence from thrill rides….

SeaWorld has a variety of rides depending on your bravery level or degree that you wish to get wet.

For toddlers and preschoolers, Sesame Street Bay of Play is the SeaWorld attraction must. Plus the little ones can choose to stay dry or get very wet on the splash pad. Check out all the fun this same son had as a 3-year-old when SeaWorld opened Sesame Street Bay of Play a few years ago.

On this trip, both my boys (ages 5 and 8) loved Shamu Express which was a very short, mild ride for preschoolers at least 38 inches tall. A great ride to introduce young kids to roller coaster rides (and stay dry). My son rode Shamu Express a few times, but as an 8-year-old sensory-seeker, he seemed to desire a ride that could give him more of a “thrill.”

Although Journey to Atlantis is part roller coaster and part water ride for those over 39” tall but we really didn’t want to get wet just yet!

Rio Loco is another SeaWorld ride that gets you wet. It’s like a whitewater rafting trip for those over 39” tall and you will get soaked.

Steel Eel on the other hand is strictly roller coaster. Was my 8-year-old ready for this “big kid” roller coaster? Was I?

Our sensory-seeking son was so excited to finally be just tall enough at 48 inches tall to ride his very first roller coaster!!!

And can you guess which parent had the exquisite pleasure of riding the Steel Eel with him?

During this roller coaster feat, I screamed like a hysterical madwoman giving birth to 20-pound quadruplets – the entire ride – up & down & over again! While I was screaming my lungs out as gravity reeked havoc on my senses, my brave little boy quietly smiled and held my hand. My son amazes me! His body enjoyed the sensory stimulation of the roller coaster.

Honestly, Steel Eel has no flips or sharp turns – just those really tall ups and downs – that made this scaredy-cat scream like a banshee.

There’s also the Great White roller coaster ride at SeaWorld! That roller coaster, for those over 52” tall, places you in the seat with your legs dangling down as you go up and down AND upside down. Oh, hell no! I’ll stick with the Steel Eel.

What I learned by riding a roller coaster with my little boy, is that he is quickly becoming a little man right in front of me, and he showed me that bravery doesn’t have an age!

Disclaimer: I purchased tickets for me and my family to attend SeaWorld’s AdventureCon blogging conference in San Antonio and received no compensation for doing so. All opinions about riding roller coasters at my age are my own.

10:45 am by Penelope

Homemade Mother’s Day Gift Idea plus FREE Printable

Hey ya’ll! I’m Deonna and I write Child at Heart: A faith-based DIY, gift ideas, and family blog. I’m a stay-at-home mom, police wife, and mommy to this little cutie 🙂

Had to share a picture from my Instagram with my new Foster 2 Forever friends 🙂 I was asked by Penelope to share an easy gift idea for Mother’s Day with you. I was one of Penelope’s roomies at Blog Elevated and we had SO much fun!

I LOVE making gifts for Mother’s Day and when I think of my mom, I think of how much she LOVES cooking…I didn’t get that gene 🙂 I found this great little measuring cup the other day and I decided to turn it into a fun kitchen candle. I am sharing a simple way to make a soy candle with essential oils in your microwave. It’s super easy and they turn out really pretty. I also made some simple gift tags that say “I Love You Beyond Measure” to add to your candle gift. All you have to do is print, cut, and you’re done!

Okay let’s make our candles:

You can choose any little bowl, cup, or mug to make this project if you don’t love the measuring cup idea. Just choose your bowl or cup and clean it out and dry it really well. I did the tutorial with this fun little bowl I found.

1. Place your wick in the center of the bowl or cup. I used a glue dot to hold it in place. Once, the hot wax hits the glue dot it will move but it does help get you ready to pour.

2. Measure your soy wax flakes by pouring them into your cup twice. This should be enough to fill the bowl once it’s melted. I melted them in a microwave-safe bowl in the microwave for about 5 minutes. Stir to make sure it is thoroughly melted.

3. Add your essential oils of choice. I did about 20 or 30 drops and my candles don’t smell very strong so if you want a stronger scent, use more. Stir for about 2 minutes and then slowly pour into your bowl or cup.

4. Place a small piece of wax paper over the candle with a hole in it for the wick. This will keep your wick centered while the wax hardens. Allow several hours to cool.

Here are some of the other finished candles! Besides the bowl and measuring cup, I used a tiny tea cup and a coffee mug that I wrote on with a gold Sharpie. The printable gift tags for the mug and tea cup are available on my blog as well. Just click on them, print, cut, and you’re done!

FREE Printable Gift Tags: Click on the link, print, cut, and tie it on your gift with some cute ribbon or jute. I made a colorful option and also a black and white option. You could hit the black and white tags with some watercolors for a fun twist!

“I Love You Beyond Measure” Gift Tag Printables in Color

“I Love You Beyond Measure” Gift Tag Printables in Black and White

Please check out some of my other DIY projects and family posts and thank you SO much for letting me come visit 🙂

Which candle is your favorite? What other things could you use from your kitchen for a candle gift?

3:02 pm by Penelope

Are You Really Ready for Baby? 10 Must-Have Baby Items

Becoming a mom for the first time is quite overwhelming in of itself. However, as a foster parent, I became a mother of a baby for the very first time with hardly any notice at all. Overwhelmed is an understatement of what I was going through – I was completely utterly frazzled for over a month!

For a few weeks, I had to take a trip to the store – every – single – day – to pick up some sort of baby paraphernalia.

Top 10 Must-Have Baby Items:

1. Crib* – Our caseworker wouldn’t even consider placing a baby with us until we had a crib ready to go. This requirement turned out well since we only had a couple hours notice that an 8-month-old baby boy was on his way to live in our home.

2. Infant Car Seat* – Another item our caseworker required before she would place a baby with us was an infant car seat. But just because I owned one didn’t mean I knew how to install it into the car! Thank goodness my neighbor was home that next morning to teach me how to strap it into the car correctly! Note: don’t do like me – learn the correct way to install a car seat and practice before you get the placement call.

3. Formula – When my baby arrived, I was handed a can of formula, a box of baby cereal, and a few jars of baby food. I had no clue of how much of what to feed my new baby!!! Similac has a great reference in this baby feeding chart to help clueless moms like me! And here’s a guide to introducing solid food to baby.

4. Swaddle Wrap – Swaddling your baby mimics the tightness of the womb. Swaddling is especially important if your foster baby has been exposed to drugs in utero – tight swaddling helps calm the baby through withdrawal and tremors.

5. Baby Carrier – Babywearing is the name of the game with neglected or drug-exposed infants. “Wearing” or carrying your baby as much as possible helps with soothing and attachment. One of the biggest regrets I have as a mother is that I did not “wear” my neglected baby. This Mei Tai carrier is highly rated for less than $30.

6. Baby Activity Center – In the last seven years, I have mothered 7 foster babies (two of these are my forever babies). All seven of my infants loved all the sensory stimulation fun that comes in one of these. Great place for baby when cooking dinner.

7. Vibrating Teether – Babies love the massaging action on their sore gums plus the sensory stimulation is an added bonus with this type of teether.

8. White Noise Machine – It’s important for drug-addicted infants to have a calm, dimly-lit environment. White noise can help calm a baby.

9. Digital thermometer – Babies get sick – plan on it! Having a thermometer on hand will give you peace of mind when your baby just doesn’t seem right and might have a fever. I prefer ear thermometers – much easier to check for fever.

10. Nasal Aspirator (aka snot sucker) – And babies get congested too! I’ve read rave reviews about this manual one.

I am honored to be joining the Sisterhood of Motherhood to encourage parents to support each other and to unite around the idea that we’re all in this journey of parenthood together. Support other new moms without the judgement!

Join me and become a part of the sisterhood!

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac in the Sisterhood of Motherhood campaign to support other moms rather than place judgement. #SisterhoodUnite #ParentsFirst

SIMILAC-Sisterhood-of-Motherhood-blogger

7:00 am by Penelope

Best 13 Pinterest Pins of 2013

I love Pinterest, even though it can make me feel like the ultimate slacker mom! Pinterest can be more than just recipes, organization, home decor, and crafts. I have learned so much about parenting from great articles on adoption, foster care, and raising Godly kids — discovered through Pinterest. Here are my best Pinterest pins from last year. All of these have been repinned over 100 times. I hope you find inspiration too. (Click on the photo to pin it yourself!)

13 Best Pinterest Pins from 2013

#1. – This motherhood quote was repinned over 2,000 times!

#2. – I wrote about how to keep your emotions in check during the foster care journey.

#3. – Quotes about what makes a family are always popular.

#4. – My DIY homemade womens pirate costume I created for our Disney cruise was repinned 248 times. Ug!

#5. – This fatherhood quote was popular at Father’s Day

#6. – Likewise, quotes on motherhood are just as popular.

#7. – This quote on healing resonated with me and others too. Can you tell a story without crying?

#8. – This homemade handprint craft for Mother’s Day was pinned from my Mother’s Day DIY Craft board.

#9. – I’m always looking for easy crafts for preschoolers and this reindeer fingerprint art was popular at Christmas.

#10. – A fellow foster parent shared about her love for her foster children after infertility struggles.

#11. – This sweet Mother’s Day handprint craft had a sweet poem too.

#12. – Here’s a natural remedy for Lice! Eeww!

#13. – Although only repinned on my board over 100 times, over 10,000 people have seen this post on time-in discipline.

Are you on Pinterest? What has been your most popular pin?

3:32 pm by Penelope

Proud to Be a Stay At Home Mom

I’m a Stay At Home Mom!!!

Beginning at 4 months old, my sweet baby boy, Lil Bit, had grown up in daycare. I was incredibly blessed by motherhood, and more and more, I began dreading leaving my 3-year-old each morning. The daycare had grown as quickly as he did and was becoming more chaotic with the revolving door of daycare workers. This school year, each morning, my heart hurt as I dropped him off with him wailing, “I don’t wanna go to school. I wanna go witchoo.”

I was already feeling guilty for leaving my severely-neglected JD in daycare as an infant. His diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) piled on even more “mommy guilt.” Would staying at home have helped my adopted child in his attachment as an infant? Taking FMLA (family leave) made a world of difference for my son after he got kicked out of his third daycare. (This year of all-day Kindergarten was incredibly successful with only minor rule infractions and not one meltdown at school!!!)

But could I really go back to being a stay-at-home mom as I had been when my husband and I first married? (See this YouTube video about homeschooling my stepson)

It turns out that YES I CAN!!! And I’m loving being a stay-at-home mom!! But I am busier than I thought possible after saying yes to a sibling foster placement of a school-age child and infant sibling.

Our finances are tighter, but with me staying at home, we are saving over $800 a month from daycare costs, eating out much less, lower gasoline costs, no office wardrobe, no maid service, etc.

And we, as a family, are less stressed – minus the stress that two additional children add.

Are you a stay-at-home mom? If you work outside the home, have you thought of how you could stay at home with your children?

10:00 am by Penelope

Video: Being a Homeschool Stepmom and Finding Child’s Talents

This is my story of becoming a stepmother and how my role quickly changed and expanded. With an ADHD label, public school was torture for my stepson, and our family saw numerous advantages of homeschool. Through our homeschooling, we discovered this boy had an unknown musical talent. Here is a video of my story that shows my stepson playing Beethoven’s Fur Elise on the piano.

You can also watch this video on YouTube.

Do your children have a label to overcome? What are their talents and gifts?

9:00 am by Penelope

Why Back to School Frightens Me

It’s time for BACK TO SCHOOL!!! And I am anxious – more than a child, I believe. You see, our strong-willed RADish begins Kindergarten soon.

Back to School time is probably not a big deal to most moms – except that sadness to see your little baby walking into big school for the first time.

But this year, for me, Back to School time brings on anxiety and worry about how my little boy (with emotional needs that are tough to understand) is going to handle the pressures of school.

He was kicked out of three day cares for behavior issues. (Yes – Three!!!) Last year, when he was kicked out of the third day care, we enrolled him in half-day Pre-K while FosterDad and I took turns using FMLA to care for him.

School for only half the day was a good thing for him. He still had a few bad days, but for the most part, a good transition for him. When asked how was school that day, he would reply:

“No time out. No trip to the principal’s office. It was a Good Day!“

However, our child is enrolled in full-day Kindergarten for this upcoming school year.

Lately, especially after having 3 foster children in our home for a few weeks, he has been regressing. Last weekend, for FosterDad’s birthday, we attempted overnight respite. He raged for HOURS after I left him with the caregiver. (He won’t be going back there!)

Is our child ready for BACK TO SCHOOL?

I don’t know! But our backup plan is that if our child isn’t ready for full-day Kindergarten — he can just repeat Pre-K!

Pros:

He just turned 5 so a late birthday won’t matter much – He is currently at the 5th percentile for height & hopefully wouldn’t be the smallest in the class
He knows the teachers and the teachers know him
FosterDad is now retired so he can care for our son half the day

Cons:

He is bright so repeating will bore him –
With a late birthday for a small boy obsessed with sports, we want hold him back one year but hoping it would be Kindergarten where he would have a stronger curriculum.

We are praying that our child adjusts well this school year.

What are your fears or anxieties about Back to School?

UPDATE: My son had a fabulous year with only one incidence of misbehavior!!!