Foster2Forever

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Cleaning House: Confessions of a Neurotic Foster Mom

Dust My Broom

Photo by Michael Goodin

Ok, I admit it. I am not a great housekeeper. I try. I really do, but I’m just not that good at it. Now don’t get me wrong. My home isn’t a huge mess but it’s never quite clean either. It seems like by the time I get done cleaning one room all the rest have started to get messed up again. When we decided to become foster parents this was a source of great anxiety for me. We had workers coming and going every month and I had this idea that they expected my house to be spotless. I feared that if they happened to come by one day and saw dirty dishes in my sink that they would try to take the kiddos away.

This is how it would usually go down. One of our social workers would call and ask if they could come by later that afternoon. I would say, “Of Course!” because I didn’t want them to think I was ever not ready for a visit. Then I would clean nonstop until time for their visit. I would clean until my home was unnaturally clean for a home with children. Then the social worker would come by, we’d have a great visit, and once she left I’d sigh with relief that I managed to get everything done.

Then one day it happened. We had a surprise visit. At 8am I hear a knock at the door. I panic as I look around and see the breakfast dishes still on the table, toys all over the place, and my floor not vacuumed. There was nothing I could do but let her in. Believe it or not she didn’t even mention the condition of my house. As she was getting ready to leave I apologized for what a mess the house was and she said,”Honey, your house looks fine. I was starting to wonder if the kids actually stayed here. It always looks too clean for a house with four children.” At that moment I realized the obvious. They know I’m human. They know that I have four kiddos and that some of those kiddos are coming from hard places. They don’t care if my house is spotless. They only care that it’s safe and filled with love for these kiddos. I’ve got that covered.

So, if you are considering foster care but are worried because you’re aren’t exactly a Martha Stewart type, put those fears aside. I may not be the perfect mom but my kiddos love me and to them I’m good enough.

transracial-foster-care-adoptionBecky Johnson is a happy wife and proud mommy of four, both by birth and foster care adoption. Because two of her adoptions have been transracial, her family often gets mistaken for a daycare or church group when out in public. Life in the Johnson home is fun, chaotic, and definitely blessed. Read more about Becky’s family at http://averyblessedmommy.blogspot.com

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You Can Tell He’s Not Yours

I think we have the same smile. Don't you?

“You can tell by looking at him that he’s not yours.”

Yes, those are the words Lil Bit’s Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) said to me during one meeting.

I was shocked she said that to me.  And that statement did rub me the wrong way.  Okay, I admit it – I was offended.

Would she have said that to me if Lil Bit were African-American?

Or what if he were blond-haired and blue-eyed like Blondie?

What would’ve been your reply?

Have you had to deal with small-minded people in regard to your children?

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When Did CPS Change Their Mind About Us?

Have you seen this inspiring movie about a former foster child? Watch the trailer!

At the end of this court hearing in March 2010, the State, CASA, and ad litem attorney were ambivalent.

Should our 7-month-old foster child, Lil Bit, stay with us or should he go live with his great-aunt?

None of them expressed concern either way !

UNTIL…

That one phone call to State CPS headquarters.

CPS Policy: A child should always be placed with family first.

Then, quick as a flash, the State, CASA/GAL, and ad litem attorney ALL adamantly opposed Lil Bit staying with us.

Suddenly, we were being accused of keeping our foster child from his family.  Worse than that, we were keeping Lil Bit from his Mexican culture.

For 2 months until our next court hearing in May.

We met with the CASA before court. I wasn’t optimistic.

Then this miracle happened. A strange day in court for our foster baby.

What changed?

  • Birth mom moved back in with her abusive grandmother (her third move in 5 months)
  • Caseworker AB turned in her resignation

Is this what changed the mind of CPS toward us?

In June, we attended a meeting to discuss permanency for our foster baby when the State told birth mom that they would be terminating her rights (no matter what she did). The birth mom (and her mother) told the State that they did not want Lil Bit to go live with his great-aunt.

Is this what changed the mind of CPS toward us?

The fact is we don’t know what changed.

In August, we met with CPS and CASA in our home.  They told us to work on conditions for an open adoption. Lil Bit would stay with us.

LIL BIT WOULD BE OUR SON!

The fact is we don’t care what changed the mind of CPS toward us.  We care that our Lil Bit would be safe. With us. Forever!

 

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Our Foster Home Is Now Under Investigation!!!

If you don’t know already, on the Fourth of July, our 22-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, fell off the sofa and after an afternoon at the hospital, we discovered he had fractured his elbow.

As a licensed foster home, we reported this injury of our foster child, both verbally and by completing an injury report.  We went through the arduous process of getting him medical care from an orthopedic specialist through Medicaid.

The weekend after this unplanned, busy week was one for our family to relax! Sunday after church, we were all lounging around VERY comfortably.

3:00 p.m. – DING! DONG!

Our 4-year-old, JD, runs to door to answer. ‘Wait!” I exclaimed. FosterDad, comfortable in his boxers, tries to hand the baby to me to make his quick exit out of the living room. I’m handing the baby back.  He’s handing the baby back to me again.  Then I had to grunt, “I don’t have a bra on!“ All while JD is answering the door.

The man at the door was wearing a badge: Texas Department of Children Protective Services from Austin.

“Oh, you’re hear to check on our foster baby.”

“Yes, ma’am.  Is there a room where I can set up my laptop for the interview? I will be interviewing each of you separately.”

“Yes, right this way. Here is the spare bedroom.”

The investigator interviewed FosterDad first. A one-hour interrogation interview.

Then it was my turn for the inquisition interview.  “I will need to record this interview. Do you have an issue with that?”

“No, sir.”

For a State agency, the laptop was very high-tech with a recording program, rotating monitor, and a program and stylus to record signatures onto documents.

I won’t go into too many of the questions, but it was very intense with every little detail being questioned.  “Where were you sitting? What were the others doing? Which way were they facing? What were you reading?”

I felt as if early-onset Alzheimer’s had gotten me at the tender-young age of 46!

After my one-hour ordeal. The investigator asked if JD would talk to him. “You can see.” He questioned JD alone for a few minutes before he closed up shop to leave.

5:50 p.m. Not the relaxing weekend we had planned.

The experience was nerve-racking, not because there was anything wrong, but just because of FEAR.

  • FEAR in knowing that children have been removed from families for less than a broken bone.
  • FEAR that there was a very small possibility that our baby could be removed just a few months before adoption.

Now we are simply waiting for the final report. Our caseworker has indicated that there is no issue, but until then we have to put our faith into this verse:

Fear-not-Isaiah-Bible

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Finally a License for Foster Care

Before actually going through the process, I had taken for granted that anyone pretty much normal could get a foster care license. After going through the hoops of attending a “mandatory” informational meeting and all the PRIDE training, we were denied a license for foster care!!! I was ticked! All the talk of a shortage of foster homes, yada yada.

Since we were licensed as an adoptive home only, we sat empty for months. No calls. Nothing. Nada.

In January of 2008, we had a quarterly visit from our caseworker.  She said that the supervisor that opposed our license for foster care was no longer over that section, and that now there was no opposition for our home to be licensed for foster care.

We now had a dual-license as a foster and adoptive home!!!!

But still no calls…

Fortunately, I happen to work with a former foster parent.  Not just any foster parent.  A long-term foster parent.  A foster parent that knows everyone in our area involved in foster care. The State agency staff.  CASA workers.  Foster families.  This foster parent has even held leadership positions in a few of the area non-profit associations that benefit foster children.

One day at the office, this co-worker was wanting to small talk with me and asked how foster parenting was going.  And I let loose!

Would you believe that a few days later this co-worker ran into our PRIDE trainer at Wal-Mart and let her know how ticked off we were?

Would you believe the very next week, on March 4, 2008, we received a call about the placement of an infant for foster care only?

Would you believe that we adopted this foster baby the next year?

Our gorgeous Stinkpot we adopted the next year! I entered this photo in the Beautiful Eyes challenge at IHeartFaces.com

Would you believe that God was smiling through all this knowing that He had a plan all along for our family?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Check other photos of gorgeous eyes at IHeartFaces.com

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Top 3 Ways to Delay Getting a Foster Care License

Becoming a licensed foster care home so that you may accept placements of foster children can be quite an arduous process. In Texas, you must first attend an informational meeting on foster care before you can attend 30 hours of mandatory PRIDE training. After that, you must pass a home study.

That’s home stretch, so to speak, or it is for most, except us….here is Foster2Forever’s Top 3 Ways to Delay Getting Your Foster Care License.

1.  LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

At the time we began our journey to become foster parents, we lived in a small rural Texas town at least 45 minutes from any town over 10,000.  We complete our PRIDE training in March 2007, and did not get scheduled for our home study until the end of May, over 2 months later!

We learned later that our current foster home caseworker was the one that scheduled our home study.   She’s told us how she struggled to find someone willing to travel so far to our rural home to conduct the home visit for the home study. She jokes with us about how nobody had heard of our village.  So if you want a quick home study – don’t live in the boonies!

home-landscaping-makeover

Our landscaping makeover before we sold our rural home

2.  MOVE TO ANOTHER LOCATION DURING THE HOME STUDY PROCESS

We had made the decision a year before (in 2006) to move from the boonies back to my hometown – a city of over 100,000. We had an offer on our rural home in late-March and were closing the end of May. All just in time for the home study visit scheduled the week of our move.

The lady walks into our living room with no living room furniture and boxes everywhere. She had to conduct the interview sitting with us around the dining room table.  It went well, and she seemed to understand our situation.

A couple of weeks after our move, we were assigned a home caseworker that informed us that we needed to conduct a new fire and health inspection.  We were so happy to be back in civilization, but larger cities do have disadvantages — we didn’t get our health inspection scheduled until mid-July.

Because we had moved, we had to also schedule another home visit. Our new caseworker visited, and we passed the walk-through; however, she did bring some bad news…

3.  HAVE A STATE AGENCY REFUSE TO LICENSE YOU FOR FOSTER CARE

Yep, you read that right! I find it hard to believe myself. Especially, given the foster home shortage.  But it’s all true!  Someone in the agency did NOT want us to be licensed for foster care. “You can be licensed for adoption only.”

“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!“

Apparently, someone thought that I would get “too attached” to a foster child, since I had no children of my own. I couldn’t believe it! (I still can’t, really)

So we sat as an “adoption only” home for months, until “someone” in the agency was transferred….

What challenges did you face in becoming a licensed foster home?

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The Worst Home Visit Ever

Tuesday was just one of those days.  Our family was still very tired from traveling throughout the state of Texas for the Easter holiday weekend.  Last week, our foster home licensing caseworker had to reschedule her quarterly visit for this Tuesday.  When I agreed to Tuesday, I didn’t check my calendar, and the exterminator would be there too. I didn’t think too much of it since he would be doing his own thing…

However, that afternoon, I received a call from our foster baby’s caseworker, who also wanted a last visit with Lil Bit before his case was transferred to the State’s adoption unit. I told her that our caseworker was coming that afternoon. She said, “Great! I’ll see you this afternoon.”

So at 4:00 p.m., the exterminator knocks on the door. No problem….except…earlier in the day, I accidentally gave our hyperactive 3-year-old, Stinkpot, an antihistamine, which can make him a bit excitable and aggressive. OOPS!

Stinkpot was driving the “BugMan” cRaZy – following him around, asking a million questions, and talking, talking, talking. Poor man was just trying to kill a few bugs.

Then, ding! dong! 4:30 the doorbell rings and Lil Bit’s caseworker is there. As we walk in, my husband arrives in the house exhausted from TAKS testing, balancing Lil Bit in one arm and a large Diet Coke in the other. Just as our home caseworker drives up!

Wow! What was I thinking?

Stinkpot was OUT OF CONTROL! Acting out in the worst way! He hit the baby twice. At one point, he walked up to the baby and just kicked him!

I took him back in his room for a minute, while I distracted the caseworkers with the luscious chocolate-covered strawberries from Shari’s Berries that my wonderfully thoughtful husband had delivered to me as an Easter gift. {bribery?}

My husband then took Stinkpot outside to talk to the BugMan while I finished the visit with the caseworkers.

The visit itself went well.

  • Lil Bit’s case will be officially transferred to the State’s adoption unit today.
  • Since he is a citizen of Mexico, our 20-month-old, Lil Bit cannot be adopted until he is certified as a U.S. citizen.  {we are harboring an illegal immigrant}
  • He is now on the INS waiting list for a “certificate of naturalization“, in which scheduling the ceremony can take MONTHS!  So we are in another “holding pattern” before the adoption of our Lil Bit can be finalized.

What a visit!  BUT we had another visitor later that night!

photo courtesy Lisa Jane Stewart - not me!

The kids and I hunkered down in the bathroom clothes hamper until late in the evening. {FosterDad was glued to the television} I was keeping up with tornado alerts and friends through Twitter and Facebook. I admit it, I was scared!

We were all blessed by God’s protection that night! Have a blessed weekend with your family!

Hugs! ~penny

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Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
What a handsome little man he has become!
foster infant child kid adopting adopted
As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
Have a great weekend!

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FOSTER BABY AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS THINGS

The hardest part of adopting through foster care is the uncertainty of a final adoption.

Our 10-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, was placed in our home after a violent dispute between the mother and her grandmother, last December. The mother had had her parental rights terminated with her 5 previous children which were not placed with relatives. We were told the baby would be ours for adoption. (oops!)

This case has been a complete mess and $6,000 in legal fees later – Lil Bit is still with us until a custody hearing in late September. You can read the history HERE.

We had a permanency meeting last month to discuss the forever plan for Lil Bit and his mother’s progress for reunification.  When a child is first removed, the parents and the State draw up a permanency plan checklist that lays out all the individual steps a parent must do in order to be reunified with their child(ren). Items include things as routine (for the normal responsible population) as getting (and keeping) a job or income and finding a place to live independently.  Other things include drug testing, anger management classes, parenting classes, first aid training, and individual or group counseling.

In the meeting, Lil Bit’s mentally-challenged birth mother showed that she is working hard to complete everything on the permanency plan checklist to get back custody of her baby. She had completed all the training and is now receiving SSI and will be moving into government housing soon. She has purchased a baby bed and high chair for Lil Bit, fully anticipating his return.

This is the saddest part! After all of her hard work, in this meeting, a State worker looked the birth mother in the face and told her,

“We do not believe that you have the mental capacity to care for the baby by yourself.
The current plan for permanency for this baby is adoption.“

I felt so horrible for this mother. She really has no clue and neither does her mother.

The State’s current plan is adoption by the baby’s great-aunt.  The birth mother and grandmother oppose this adoption and stated in the meeting that they want us to adopt Lil Bit instead of their family.  They stated that the uncle is a weekend disc jockey and there is a lot of alcohol consumption in the home. “They like to party.” The State did acknowledge that they did need to “check out some things” in regard to their home study.

The CASA stated that another court hearing will occur before our original September 22nd custody hearing. We believe that the State will be seeking to terminate the birth mother’s parental rights before September, but we do not know.

The good news is that Lil Bit will stay with us in the meantime. More time to be a true blessing in our home!

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I just heard that everything is fine for the licensing of our home for the 18-year-old with Asperger’s Syndrome.  We still haven’t heard from his case worker and are assuming they found a home for him.

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Yesterday, our 3-year-old Stinkpot, was very upset with us for not taking him with us to “Big Church” after Sunday School.  So last night, we took him with us to Sunday evening worship since there wasn’t any childcare that night.  He did GREAT, sitting up in his chair, paying close attention – UNTIL – the singing stopped.  Then continually, loudly whining politely asking to go to “his class”.

So he and I went outside to the church playground, split a Wendy’s Apple Pecan Chicken Salad, and enjoyed a special “Mommy and Me” picnic!

Mommy and Me Monday at Really, Are You Serious? Hosted by Krystyn
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Remember to enter this month’s GIVEAWAY! Foster2Forever is giving away an autographed copy of Spoken from the Heart signed by Laura Bush, the former First Lady herself!

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Have a great week!

I’m Clever

Sway