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10:00 am by admin

10 Tips for Foster Parents

The need for foster parents is constant. There are always children in need of loving and safe foster parents to help them heal from circumstances beyond their control. By entering into the world of foster care parenting, you are giving a child a gift that cannot adequately be described through words.foster-parenting-tips

A similar wordlessness arises concerning the practical aspects of the foster care process. A common question is: How do I help a foster care child transition into my household or family?   There are actually a number of ways to help the child become better acquainted with his or her new surroundings.

1.  Love the child with your whole heart.

Open your heart wide and love a foster care child as you would your own. Use terms that signal this endearment, like, “I think of him as my son,” and, “My girls get along great.” Demonstrate that love with a physical connection in the same manner as a niece or nephew — the tussle of the hair, the pat on the back. Give consistent verbal praise when reviewing school work or helping out in the yard. Who doesn’t like to hear the words, “You did a great job. I’m really proud of you.”

2.  Create opportunities to talk.

Chances are that you had a long day at work and that you were already living a busy life before becoming a foster parent. When a kid has something important to say, it doesn’t come out with an adult’s schedule in mind. Sometimes it’s just a seemingly random blurt. Other times it requires you to pry it out. Try scheduling activities that lend themselves to sharing, like a challenging hike or a car trip for an overnight at grandma’s. Or, try consistently sitting down to dinner, asking about their day and talking about yours.

3.  Be prepared to listen.

Children in foster care have heart-breaking stories to tell. You are going to have to be strong to sit still and listen to the child you love tell you that they were abused or neglected. At the same time, your child may talk defensively about their parents. Listening is difficult – the inclination is to stop the narrative because it stops us from learning what’s happened. When you listen, you are signaling to the child that you can handle their sadness and you continue to love them.

4.  Use the placement agency as an on-going resource.

A child in foster care is part of a network of trained specialists, particularly social workers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The social worker knows the child, knows about the history of the child, and knows what additional resources can be utilized to provide the best chance for the child’s future.

5.  Build a network of people for you, as well as for the child.

You are going to need support, too. It’s a big transition to bring a child into your home. Just as the child needs you to love him or her, you are going to need family and friends who can listen to your challenges, provide meaningful advice and give you hugs or bake you dinner when you need a breather.

6.  Stop in to speak with people at school.

You simply can’t go wrong by speaking with everyone from the Principal to the Teacher’s Aide. You need everyone around the child to be on your team. Teachers may identify a need for testing or special education resources to help the child at school, and you will want to be sure that those services get delivered. Remember: You can get in touch with the social worker who will have the legal authority to pull the file and even go back to prior schools or providers to try to obtain accurate information.

7.  Actively engage as a leader in an extra-curricular activity.

Guess what? Your bleacher days are over. Time to become the team coach or the field trip chaperon. An invaluable way to bond with your child will be to actively involve yourself in his or her childhood activities and the other adults who are also helping out.

8.  Start new traditions.

Even if you already do something one way, why not make up something new for the whole family? A favorite is building a new tradition around your new child’s birthday. What family doesn’t enjoy some cupcakes, fruit punch and festivity?

9.  Be ready for some tears.

It is only human to cry. Many a child’s tears are over a skinned knee, to which we can apply some salve and a Sponge Bob band-aid, give a kiss and send them happily off to play — but a child in foster care may cry for reasons we do not understand and cannot as easily repair. It can make us feel as helpless as the child. This is when it’s most important to remember that tears are also a way for the child to face his or her fears and loss, and to learn to self-soothe. No one truly wants to cry alone. Even if a door slams or little feet run in the opposite direction, find the strength to stretch out your open arms and wrap the child in an embrace that lets him or her know that even if they once were afraid, they do not have to be now.

10. Understand the fear of impermanence.

Even if everything goes “perfectly” in your new family, you will have to live each day with the possibility that the child may be sent back to the parents who abused or neglected them in the past. Now think about that from a child’s perspective and you will understand why children in foster care can put up barriers, intentionally and unintentionally. As you demonstrate, day by day, that you are taking that emotional risk, so, too, will the child. Children learn so much by example, and impermanence is a part of everyone’s life.

JOIN OUR PRIVATE FACEBOOK GROUP FOR FOSTER PARENTS

This post was written by Jeff Herbst. Jeff works with the University of Southern California’s Online MSW degree program offered through the School of Social Work. The program offers a concentration in Families and Children which provides social workers with the knowledge to help families resolve problems.

4:03 pm by admin

DISCOVERING INFERTILITY

Does adoption cure infertility?
During the month of that incredible virgin birth, I will be taking you along the journey I have been traveling for the last few years – my journey of infertility.  

In November of 2006, after discovering my husband’s infertility (and soon thereafter my own), 
I was filled with doubt – about my choices, my marriage, my life in general.  

Below is the entry in my journal from that emotional time. It is full of questions and doubt, and gives a glimpse into my emotional state at that time …

What am I doing? I have no idea!

I feel lost in a sea of confusion and I’m drowning quickly! The diversity of my emotions is overwhelming at times.  My sadness, anger, grief and loneliness follows me and, without notice, jumps from behind and overtakes me. 

My inclination is to run as I did as a child.  
But, where will I go and what will I do? 
I would be running away from reminders of bad feelings, instead of running to something. 
But would I be able to really get away from these reminders or would other reminders take their place? 
How can I break this cycle?

I love my husband with all my heart and I know that I will never be able to experience LOVE this wonderful, this emotional, and this pure, ever again. This is once in a lifetime LOVE!
What would’ve happened had I walked away? 
I’d still be in Houston 
– same job 
– same routine (with a few trips mixed in), 
but still searching for that soul mate 
– feeling all but dead inside.

I’m glad I left that life, 
and I really don’t want to return to that phase (of singleness) in my life.
I’m in a new phase of my life, 
yet I still feel that I missed the boat somewhere. 

As I approach 42 years of age, I realize that I probably will never have a baby of my own to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. 
And if I do, the chances increase every single month that the child will have genetic malformations.  
Would I be prepared to handle the challenges that a special needs child brings?
Can I feel whole without a child?
Will I live in a state of constant regret?

But, will a normal, healthy baby that fulfills that desire, help calm the turbulent waters of my emotions?

That entry was from 4 years ago. My life has changed drastically, as I now have 2 toddler boys that keep me on my toes…
Did adoption cure my infertility? I’ll delve more into those emotions this month.

1:40 pm by admin

World AIDS Day and the Orphan Crisis

Join AIDS.gov in Facing AIDS for World AIDS DayDecember 1st – Today is World AIDS Day.

An awareness day I had not been aware of.  The focus of this blog has been adoption through foster care; however, after reading through the different adoption stories from our Adoption Blog Hop, I have been made more aware of the worldwide orphan crisis, especially in Africa.

In the United States, an orphan, even without a family, will have shelter and food through the foster care system; however, in Africa, that is not the case. Compound that with a medical condition (such as HIV), and an orphan in Africa, without food or medication, is given a death sentence.

I have especially been moved by One Thankful Mom of Bushel and a Peck. 
“We didn’t set out to adopt HIV+ children, 
we set out to adopt two little boys, 
and in the process, we fell in love with two girls who happened to have HIV. 
These children were the very “least of these” that Jesus speaks of and 
we are honored that He made them our daughters.”
She has a beautiful post today on World AIDS Day: Five Things You Can Do. 
“I am so thankful to God that we learned there was nothing to fear about HIV, 
and I feel honored that God trusted us to adopt our children who are HIV+.”
Watch this incredible video and visit the Project Hopeful website!

Have a blessed week!

2:00 pm by admin

ADOPTION MONTH HIGHLIGHTS

WOW!  What a month for adoption this has been! 

4,800 foster children in the United States were adopted this month!!!

Over 100 adoption stories were added to our Adoption Blog Hop!!!  Thanks to all who added their stories! Supporting each other through the tangled web of adoption is important. The blog hop will be open through December, so encourage other adoptive families to join. I found some incredible stories and simply AMAZING families and will be adding them to my blogroll. Did you find any other adoption blogs to add to your blogroll? 

The purpose of National Adoption Month is to raise awareness of foster children waiting for forever families.  It is also the purpose of this blog.  I hope that we have achieved this.  I have had a few inquiries about how to become a foster parent.

Kristen of Betty Crocker Wannabe wrote this incredible post on Navigating the Foster Care System. A must-read for those considering getting licensed. Would you consider getting licensed if just to provide respite care for foster families?

Have a blessed week!

10:54 am by admin

ZOO – Wordless Wednesday and a Giveaway

After running a 5k in the morning, I received free admission to the zoo Saturday. 
(Thank goodness, it now costs adults $9 admission)
I used my Canon Rebel SX on Aperature Priority Mode and didn’t use the flash! Much better photos!
Thanks, I Heart Faces!

Hey alligator!
The lion is so close!

I love this photo of Stinkpot. It really shows his personality. soooo…..
How about a caption contest?
Enter to win a 8×8 hard-cover photo book from Shutterfly (worth $29.99)
by adding a comment below!!!

Come back tomorrow to find out the winner! Also, we have a special guest blogger….

Oh! I almost forgot! Amazon is starting Black Friday Sales early!
I bought Stinkpot this LeapFrog Leapster 2 Learning Game System for only $40 (normally $70)!!!

5 MINUTES FOR MOM

Simply Being Mommy 125x125

11:25 am by admin

THE ZOO AND OPEN ADOPTION

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH
Can you believe the month is half over?  This weekend is National Adoption Day! I’m so excited! We have a number of foster children in our area who will be adopted into their forever families this weekend – just in time for Thanksgiving! What a blessing!

Foster2Forever now has nearly 100 adoption stories in our Adoption Blog Hop!  Is yours listed?  Can you help us get over 200 adoption stories by the end of the month?  Won’t you help spread the word or host the blog hop on your site?

I HEART THE ZOO
This weekend, I took Stinkpot to the zoo.  He was so excited that he screamed, yes, screamed, for the first 5 minutes! (Think Home Alone) He had an amazing adventure! He saw lions, tigers and bears, oh my! The lion was right behind the glass roaring at him. He touched a snake (okay, fake snake).  I had to literally bribe him to leave.

I was able to get some amazing shots with my Canon Rebel XS shooting on manual mode! Thanks I Heart Faces for the great class!

I entered this photo of Stinkpot exploring the aquarium in this week’s IHeartFaces Silhouette challenge.

Come back tomorrow to see more zoo shots and link up your Wordless Wednesday post (and enter another giveaway)!

GIVEAWAY WINNER
Congratulations to The R House! The winner of the photobook and Christmas cards from Shutterfly!

OPEN ADOPTION
Katrina from Making Many Memories wrote the following story about their open adoption with their daughter’s birth family.  Is this story familiar to you?

“I’ve heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you…. (For Good – from the musical Wicked)”

When we first started on our journey of adopting we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We had 3 healthy biological boys and I had lost a 4th son when I was 6 months pregnant. We knew we didn’t want to do private adoption because we were capable of having another child and didn’t feel right about adding to the already long list of people who were waiting for a domestic baby. We also did not have the money to do an international adoption and had heard some really heart-wrenching stories about those as well.

That brought us to looking into foster/adoption. Little did we know when we first started the process that foster/adoption is a lot different than foster care. Looking back, we wouldn’t change how we got our angel Nevaeh and it is probably a good thing we were ill-informed.

Since this blog is suppose to be about open adoption in a foster/adopt situation, I will try and keep our story relatively short. We got our little angel when she was 2-1/2 months old. She was taken from her birth mother and father and both of them were given services. For 18 months she lived in our home and we loved her like she was our own daughter but knew that the chances of being able to adopt her were very slim. I was also the one who took her and supervised her weekly visits.

During this time I developed a love/hate relationship for her parents. Here were 2 people who loved their daughter very much but just couldn’t seem to keep it together. They made choices that infuriated me and at the same time gave me hope that somehow I would be get to be her forever mother.

So after 18 months of them slowly progressing (if you want to call it that), it was decided that Nevaeh could start doing overnight visits with them. “Oh my aching heart” does not even begin to describe the pain I felt the first time I dropped her off to stay the night. Yet I knew that I had provided the best possible start for her and was still silently hoping (and to my friends not so silently hoping) that they would find out just how hard taking care of a toddler was.

As the weeks passed, things did change, and events happened that made the social worker want the case to go to trial. But a miracle happened, and Nevaeh’s birth parents decided that she would be better off with us and asked us if we would adopt her. I will never forget that day. What do you say to someone who just gave you the best gift you could ever hope for? How do you thank them when you know their heart is breaking in two?

On this day, Steve and I made it clear that we still wanted Nevaeh’s birth family in her life. Of course, on the day of the trial, the lawyers tried to talk her parents out of it and told them they would have no legal rights to her what-so-ever after their rights were terminated. They told them we could promise them the moon and then leave the country and never even tell them once the adoption was final. And they were right. But that was never our plan. With all of their faults and weaknesses we still wanted them to be a part of her life.
Why? Is a questions we get all the time. Aren’t you afraid that they will come and take her back? Do you really want to expose her to them?

  • First, a child that has been legally adopted can not be taken back. Her birth parents do not know where we live and they can barely get themselves to the local grocery store because they have no transportation and no money for bus fare. The only time we see them is by where they live which is an hour away from where we live.
  • Next,the best way I can answer why is by having you look at the photo at the top. This is one of the very first photos taken of Nevaeh. She came to us at 2 1/2 months old and although our lives with her started on that day in December, her life started in September. We are one of the fortunate families to get her at such a young age but she still had a life before us.

I have 2 sisters who were adopted from birth. We can tell them what we were told as to why they were given up for adoption but that’s about all we can do. They have questions that we can’t answer.  There is a part of their lives that is a huge question mark and something that they want to know. Not because they don’t consider us their family, but because it is part of who they are. They are not looking to replace us. They just want to find out more.

I don’t want Nevaeh to grow up wondering. The arrangements I have with her birth family right now is that they see her about 4 times a year around birthdays and holidays. They do not know where we live and have never been to our house. We meet in a public location (partly because they are homeless again) and I buy us all lunch. We stay for about 2 hours and they laugh and play with her.

Is it hard on me? Yes. It is an hour drive there and back and trying to fit it into our busy schedules is frustrating to me sometimes. Nevaeh is a very strong willed 3-year-old (alright, she’s spoiled). I always feel as if I am being judged as to why she throws the fits she does or why she isn’t potty trained yet. Plus I hate the awkward moments, like the time her birth mom thought I was inviting her to live with us or the time they called and asked me to co-sign on their apartment.

I have had to lay down the rules!

  • Her birth dad called and was yelling at me because he was in a fight with birth mom and he wanted to know when he was going to get to see Nevaeh for Mother’s Day since he was not going to see her with the birth mom around. To which I kindly replied (you’re not her mother). He then yelled that he wanted his mother to see her as a Mother’s Day gift. I had to remind him that I was under no obligation to visit with him and that if he didn’t treat me with respect he need not bother to call at all for a visit. 
  • I have also had to inform them that I do not consider Valentines Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Halloween, and Thanksgiving holidays that I need to bring Nevaeh for a visit. I was not clear on this when we made our arrangements. My idea was to visit for Easter/Mother’s Day, Father’s Day/Birth dad’s birthday, birth mom’s birthday/Nevaeh’s birthday, and Christmas. Anything extra is if I happen to be in the area.

I am not sure how long it will last, but I will do my best to make it work for as long as I can. Is it hard? Yes!

  • I know it is harder on my husband than it is on me. Nevaeh never bonded well with her birth mother and could take her or leave her when it comes to visits. But her little face lights up and she goes running into the arms of her birth father every time we get to see him and still calls him Daddy. (Last time he wasn’t at the visit because he got thrown in jail the night before for beating mom up). It would probably be a lot harder for me if Nevaeh stilled called her birth mom, Mom.
  • I think it will also get harder as she gets older. Especially if she gets to a point where she doesn’t want to visit them. At the last visit with birth dad not there she didn’t want birth mom to hold her at all. She did finally warm up to her but it took almost an hour for her to do so. I don’t want to force her to do something that she doesn’t want but I don’t want her to regret later on not having a relationship with them.

So why open adoption when I don’t have to? Why expose her to these people with sorted past who hurt her when she was a newborn? Why deal with all this frustration and awkwardness?

  • Because they are her first family and they love her. 
  • Because they can give her a past that I can’t. 
  • Because they can tell her about how she came into this world the day she was born.


And because on April 22, 2010 we legally adopted her as shown in the picture above, I will always be her mom and Steve will always be her dad, but we will never be her first.

Steve, Katrina, Joshua, Jared, Jacob and Nevaeh live in Southern California. If you would like to read more about their foster care adventure, you can visit them at http://makingmanymemories.blogspot.com/

4:26 pm by admin

Don’t Take That Picture!

This week has been a crazy week: first having a 4-month-old for a few days, then Stinkpot got kicked out of day care, and last night after visiting a home child care and getting home much later than usual – something else happened.

Foster Dad developed a nosebleed. Not a little one but a gushing nosebleed.

After seeing a home treatment for nosebleeds on Sex and City a few years ago – I showed my husband this treatment.

I then made the mistake of telling him that I was going to take a picture of him with the home treatment.

He promptly replied, “If you take that picture, you will be a single mom with 2 kids – you don’t want that now do you???”

He did look hilarious, but that will have to be a picture only in my mind…

Do you know what home treatment I’m talking about? (don’t write it in the comments, just tell me)

Has your spouse ever threatened you if you were to take a certain picture?

Have a blessed weekend!

12:48 pm by admin

New Foster Baby: Wordless Wednesday

On Friday night, we were blessed with the placement of a 4-month-old baby boy for foster care.  He was brought as a temporary placement for a few days that has now been extended for a number of months.

As much as it breaks my heart, we cannot keep him and requested that he be moved to another foster home.  As a 2-parent working family, we are just not equipped to have another infant in our home.

It took a few days to find the baby another foster home – we are the ONLY foster home in our area that is licensed for infants! 
Would YOU consider opening your home to children???

Be sure and enter Foster2Forever’s Shutterfly photo book giveaway! (worth more than $40!)
You can enter by linking your Wordless Wednesday photo below!
Simply Being Mommy 125x125

9:03 am by admin

Helping Orphans and International Adoption

Thank you so much for visiting this site during National Adoption Month! 
PLEASE HELP THIS ORPHAN!
Today, we donated to a matching grant fund for the Shubin family through Lifesong for Orphans to help them bring their daughter home from Ethiopia.  They still need over $1,000 to meet their full grant match and the deadline is TODAY!  Won’t you please donate just $10, $20, $100 for this orphan child to come home to her forever family??? Just write Shubin #1512 on your donation.  Also check out all the cool things they have for sale!
 
Be sure and join in our Shutterfly photo book giveaway. We have only 28 entries so far!

THE JOURNEY TO KATELYN

Today, Foster2Forever welcomes Kelly from The Six of Us as a guest to share her family’s story of international adoption from Korea!

Hi! I am Kelly, a 37-year-old mom of four and the wife of a hard-core career soldier! We live our life! We travel and move and are constantly looking for new adventures! We became parents to Katelyn Rose Ga-rin in November 2009. Here is our adoption story:

We have always wanted to adopt, even before we had bio kids, we knew we would have a child through adoption. When we made the decision to go forward, we did so with the approval of our three children, Josh, Jason and Lu. We made a big fuss about whether we should take a trip to Disney, or if we should start the adoption process. We fully expected to hear a resounding “Disney” and were shocked and profoundly moved when our children, without hesitation, voted for adoption.

I remember crying because I was so awed in their ability to be so selfless. Brian and I included them in each step of the way, as well. As a family, we decided that we didn’t care about the sex of the child, but preferred a healthy, younger one from Korea, as this would best fit with our circumstances at the time. We contacted an agency and the ball started rolling. Quickly!


God has a sense of humor because nothing we considered reasonable for our family seemed to happen! While pouring over pictures of the waiting children (just to look) and calculating costs and researching grants, we stumbled upon this picture and we knew.

We knew this was our daughter and sister. It did not matter that she was born premature at 28 weeks. Or that she weighed 2.6 lbs. and had been hospitalized for 2 months at birth.

We didn’t blink when we were told that she may have some unknown medical issues or that she could be deaf in one ear. She was ours, it was as simple as that. And it was meant to be. Amen, let it be so.

Fast forward nine months (we call it our paper pregnancy) and Brian and I found ourselves dropping off the monkeys at my Moms’ in NY and boarding a plane for a nearly 17 hour trip to meet our newest family member. At 16 months, our daughter had lived with her foster parents for over a year and was extremely attached to her foster mother. At our 1st visit, Katelyn would not even look at me. She tolerated Brian playing with her and a water bottle, but in no way would let him touch her. We understood, but were becoming uneasy that this was not what we had imagined.

We, of course had been through the classes and knew about attachment issues and expected the trauma of leaving the only family she knew, but WOW! The social workers had told me to be prepared that she may prefer Brian because he looks more like the faces she is used to seeing (he is half Korean) and I was ok with that, but she wouldn’t even acknowledge me. We decided to meet at the fosters moms’ house the next day, which is somewhat unusual I am told, but we (and the agency) really needed to see some form of assurance that we could handle what was to come.

Once there, surrounded by her “things” Kate came alive! She was skittish, but allowed me to feed and hold her and played with Brian, smiled for pictures and was generally pretty happy!We felt so encouraged after the visit and couldn’t wait until the next day – it was “gotcha” day! I could hardly control myself until 2 pm when she would be ours, all ours! 

I was shaking when we got to the agency. Like big time, could hardly breathe shaking. I just knew I was going to lose it, having to take her from her foster “umma” and watching her heart break. I cannot even imagine what it must be like for adoptive parents that meet the birth parents. GUT WRENCHING is all I can say. In the very same moment in time, you are filled with ultimate joy and utter despair.

Things did not go smoothly and ended with our social worker telling me to take the baby and LEAVE, NOW and Brian trying to console the foster mom whom he could not understand and was literally wailing!

We had a short walk back to the hotel and Kate cried (no, screamed) the entire way. I felt as though I was kidnapping her. When we got into our room, we offered her a bottle and she mostly calmed down enough to fall asleep. She was doing those little shuddery sighs from crying, you know, the “I’m so tuckered out that I can’t cry anymore” sighs?

When she woke a few hours later, she was fine. Seriously, just fine. No tears. Calling out “abba” for daddy in Brian’s direction. Clinging like a koala bear to me. And it was like that all the way home to NY and then traveling from my Mom’s back to KY. Nuts, right?

But this is how it was. Where was the crying? The not sleeping? The refusal to bond? We had NOTHING! It was just happening. Don’t get me wrong, she cried and clung to me for months, but looking back it wasn’t that bad. She just seems to fit with us.

After a year of being home, she has begun to test us and defy rules, but nothing out of the ordinary for a developing two-year-old. We have daily struggles, and I admit that MY attachment to Kate is a bit different from that of my natural born children, but in all it is good. Sometimes I feel cheated out of her babyhood and not having that time to really understand her and grow with her. But I am working on it.

We are immensely blessed. I would just like to point out that each adoption experience will be different, even within the same family. It may be hard and then smooth out, it may start easy and get bumpy – the key is to try and have very few expectations. I would urge each family considering adoption to research, pray and communicate your feelings before you bring your new child home. With that said, please consider supporting adoptive families and the children that continue to wait.

Many blessings, Kelly

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