Foster2Forever

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Why Every Foster Parent Needs Sexual Abuse Training

Foster parents need sexual abuse training:

She was only 7 years old when Child Protective Services brought her to our foster home. As a matter of fact, CPS removed the child from her family due to hard drug use and violence in the home. CPS had no knowledge of sexual abuse.

However, I began noticing odd behaviors quickly after placement. The 7-year-old would defecate every time she took a bath. She would covertly brush her hand across the lap of any males in the home. She would search for the word “sex” on Netflix. At one point, she even patted my thigh in a manner that made me uncomfortable. AT 7 YEARS OLD!

It quickly became obvious to me that someone had sexually abused this 2nd grader.

Sexual abuse statistics

Sadly, foster parents discover that a child in care has been sexually abused. According to the US Department of Health & Human Services’ Child Maltreatment Survey, in 2016, child protective services removed over 57,000 children for sexual abuse. This number is much higher as these are only the known, reported cases.

Sexual abuse is especially rampant for children from backgrounds of neglect and other traumas. Especially, when parents are using illicit drugs. Given that, the lack of supervision and the associated transient lifestyle in drug culture puts children especially at risk for sexual abuse.

Along with that, another statistic states that children from single-parent homes are 20 times more likely to be sexually abused.

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Sexual abuse training for foster parents

All foster parents need this foster care training on sexual abuse. That’s why I felt it was imperative that the Adoption HEART Conference included a session on sexual abuse training. Sexual abuse changes a child’s perceptions of themselves, plus affects their self value.

This sexual abuse training session covers various facets of sexual abuse and the sexualized child, including:

  • what is normal sexual exploration,
  • what triggers sexual behavior,
  • how the fear response affects a child’s behavior, but mostly
  • the importance of how an adult’s history affects the way they respond to the sexualized child.

Sign up for this free online training here.

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Is Foster Income Taxable? What Foster Parents Should Know About Income Tax

IS FOSTER INCOME TAXABLE?

You do not have to report foster payments you received for providing foster care in your home as taxable income. Foster payments are NOT considered taxable income. (Foster payments are considered reimbursement)

According to the Turbo Tax website: “if care is provided to a qualified foster individual and they are paid by a state or qualified agency, foster care payments are NOT considered taxable income and are NOT included on tax return.”
These payments include those received from a state or local government or from a qualified foster care placement agency.

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CAN I CLAIM FOSTER CHILDREN ON MY INCOME TAX RETURN?

You can claim a foster child on your tax return, only if the child has lived with you for over 6 months. (6 months plus 1 day) A foster child does not have to live in the foster parent’s home at the end of the year to be claimed.

IMPORTANT: Only one person can claim the same child.

TIP to avoid IRS problems: File your tax return as soon as possible in the event that birth family incorrectly claims a child. The IRS will immediately deny a claim if a child has already been claimed as dependent. It will be up to the second filer to prove to IRS that the child is their dependent. Foster parents who file after a child is already claimed have to go through this process.

WHAT IF I FILE AND THE CHILD IN MY CARE HAS ALREADY BEEN CLAIMED? 

The quickest way to resolve this is to go ahead and file your tax return without claiming the child.  Then, you can file an amended tax return Form 1040-X.  Then, you claim the child and attach placement papers and other documentation proving the child lived with you over 6 months. 

CAN I QUALIFY FOR EARNED INCOME TAX CREDIT FOR FOSTER CHILDREN?

You can now find out your filing status, your child’s status as a qualifying child, your eligibility for the credit, and estimate the amount of the credit you may get by using TurboTax.

WHAT IS THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT?

Adoptive parents can receive a tax credit for the amount spent on adoption-related expenses. This applies even for failed adoptions. You can only receive tax credit for the amount you paid in taxes. However, you do have 5 years to carry over any unused credit from previous years.

HOW MUCH IS THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT?

The Adoption Tax Credit for 2022 is $14,890. You can use the tax credit to reduce your federal tax liability (taxes you owe) for the next five years. For tax year 2022, the Adoption Tax Credit for qualified adoption expenses is $14,890 for each child adopted. You can adopt via public foster care, domestic private adoption, or even international adoption. The adoption tax credit only applies to Federal income taxes — NOT state income taxes. 

HOW DOES THE ADOPTION CREDIT WORK?

You can only apply the adoption tax credit to how much you OWE in taxes. You cannot apply the entire $14,890 if you do not owe that much in Federal income tax.

For example, if you paid $5,000 in Federal income taxes, but actually only owed $3,000 in taxes, your income tax refund would normally be $2,000.

However, you can use the adoption tax credit and apply it to the $3,000 you owe and get back the entire $5,000 of taxes you paid as a refund.

What if you don’t owe $14,440 in taxes for 2022?

Here is good news — IRS allows you to apply the balance of the $14,440 tax credit over five years.

Continuing the example from above, the next tax year of 2023, you can carry over the remaining amount of the adoption tax credit. ($14,440 – $3,000 = $11,440) means you could apply $11,440 to what you owe in taxes in 2023 – each year up to tax year 2026!

Clear as mud, right?
That’s why we use TurboTax – just answer the questions and TurboTax will guide you through and complete the forms for you. TurboTax Deluxe is the version that includes the Adoption Tax Credit Form 8839. 

WHAT ARE QUALIFIED ADOPTION EXPENSES?

Qualified adoption expenses include reasonable and necessary expenses necessary for the adoption.  Examples of qualified expenses include:

  • agency fees,
  • home study costs,
  • court fees,
  • attorney fees,
  • medical examinations/physicals costs,
  • dossier fees,
  • traveling expenses (including amounts spent for airline, gas, meals and lodging while away from home), and
  • other expenses that are directly related to the adoption of a child.

Expenses for domestic adoptions that are not yet final can be taken the year after the expenses are paid or you can wait until the adoption is final.

HOW DOES THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT WORK IF WE ADOPTED A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD?

With the adoption of a U.S. child with special needs, you may be eligible for the maximum amount of credit for the year of you finalize the adoption, even if you paid no qualified adoption expenses.

If you adopt a child with special needs through foster care, you may be entitled to claim the full amount of the adoption credit even if you did not have expenses.

Each state has different criteria that qualify a child as “special needs”. The special needs declaration must come from the state in which the adoption was final. In order to qualify as a special needs adoption, you must have a signed adoption “Subsidy Agreement” with the state. (Some states call it the “Adoption Eligibility Assistance Determination.”)

WHAT IS CONSIDERED A SPECIAL NEEDS ADOPTION?

A child is considered special needs for purposes of the adoption credit if all of the following conditions are met:

  • The child was a U.S. citizen or resident when the adoption effort began (no international adoptions);
  • A state determines that the child cannot or should not be returned to his or her parent’s home (child placed in foster care);
  • A state determines that the child probably will not be adopted unless assistance is provided to the adoptive family (parents receive monthly post-adoption subsidy)

Generally, special needs adoptions are the adoptions of children whom the state’s child welfare agency considers difficult to place for adoption.

Most foster care adoptions are considered special needs adoptions. Special needs adoptions can include:

  • minority children over the age of 2,
  • any child over the age of 6,
  • siblings placed together, or
  • other special needs.

If you receive a monthly subsidy after adoption, your child would fall into this category.

WHAT IRS FORM DO WE FILE FOR THE ADOPTION TAX CREDIT?

To claim the adoption credit or exclusion, complete Form 8839 (PDF), Qualified Adoption Expenses, and attach the form to your Form 1040 (PDF) or you could just download TurboTax and answer the questions.

Disclosure: I am not a tax professional. I compiled this information from the IRS website, Intuit TurboTax website, and my questions to a tax professional.

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RAD in Foster Care – How Hard It Can Be!

Reactive Attachment Disorder – RAD – in foster care can happen when children fail to attach to their primary caregiver early in life. Janie was 42 and Joe was 50 when two biological half-sisters, ages 3 and 5, made them foster parents in middle Tennessee. This is the foster to adopt story of their family.

The birth mom had a number of issues and already had two other children that had been adopted out. Eventually, the birth mom voluntarily relinquished her parental rights — she was unable to keep a housing, wouldn’t stay on medication, along with other issues.

5-year-old Hope had been seriously neglected and abused before she was 3-years-old. This sad child had no self-esteem — Hope believed she was not as pretty as her brown-skinned, brown-eyed biracial 3-year-old sister, Alex, with the curly locks. By the time of placement, Hope was 5 and Janie was her third mom in two years time. Trauma counseling began on Day 1 through the agency. Specialists eventually diagnosed Hope with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

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Photo by mohamed Abdelgaffar

RAD in Foster Care

Although Janie educated herself with as many resources as she could find, parenting a child with RAD was a very difficult journey. She felt as though her child hated her much of the time and even felt that the child actually enjoyed making her life difficult. Janie struggled emotionally and sought out counseling for herself.

As much as possible, parents should be able to agree on styles. Janie and her husband did not always agree on parenting, which made things even more difficult. When it came to discipline or at least enforcing the rules, through their child’s triangulation, Janie felt like she was set to be the bad parent.

Younger sister, Alex was almost always loving and an over-achiever. Because of that, Janie did not have her in therapy initially. That is until the family hit the worst times: when Hope entered high school. Hope never fit in at school and struggled with her work and friendships. The stress of being more independent in 9th grade was too much for her — she didn’t feel safe on her own. She threatened suicide multiple times. Then she even threatened to kill the family with a knife. Janie and her husband had to take these threats seriously.

Ultimately, Hope ended up in a detention youth home,and then under state’s custody for nearly 2 years. The family felt broken apart.

Through all this, her younger sister, Alex, then went into therapy to deal with her pent-up anger at her sister. Throughout their lives, Alex had kept her anger toward her big sister inside because she felt she had to always keep it together in order to survive in the dysfunction. Alex had felt angry much of her childhood. Therapy helped her tremendously.

Finally, in the middle of her junior year, Hope was able to return to the family and things went pretty well. Hope enrolled in a different school than Alex, for both their well-being, which helped their relationship too.

Through most of the years, the family had a fabulous support service, through Catholic Charities, called the Adoption Support and Preservation Program (ASAP). Through ASAP, the family had access to support groups and special services. The therapist came to the home and worked with Hope, and sometimes with Alex too. These services were free for the family – the Lord blessed them with so many free services; it was amazing.

If you are parenting a traumatized child, look for support services and take advantage of them – they work wonders.

Through intense therapies and the process of healing, the family survived and the girls are doing well — Janie and her husband are so proud of their daughters.

Adopted Adults with Attachment Disorder

Hope graduated high school and has held some good jobs in retail and food service. She is a hard worker and in many ways, a very caring and sweet person. Although Hope has struggled and even gone through gender issues and suicidal thoughts, she has finally settled into her life. At age 25, Hope has a healthy relationship with the father of their one year old daughter.  Hope named her daughter, Jane Nicole, after her grandmothers – Janie and the dad’s mom! What an honor – from the child whom she thought hated her!

The baby girl, Alex, is doing great now too. However, in her sophomore year of college, her issues finally slammed her.  Alex felt she had to be perfect, thinking that was the only way to be loved. Doctors diagnosed Alex with an eating disorder and anxiety. She’s been in therapy for 3 years now and will graduate college in December — as what else? A social worker!!! She grew up in that world and found her place there.

Janie admits that she made mistakes and was not the perfect mother, (Who is?) However, Janie learned just how strong she is! She never gave up on her children, always advocated for them, and worked to get what they needed. Ultimately, her daughters have become beautiful, strong, loving women.

Your job as foster and adoptive parents will not always be easy, but using all the resources you can find, you can do this!

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Can I Really Help My Adopted Child? Or Are Genes More Important Than Environment?

We have all heard that “know it all” parent say under their breath, “If that were my child they wouldn’t act like that.” You may hear it at the park, at school functions, and even at church.

Every day, parents of children with behavior problems, may ask themselves, “Am I the right parent for this child? If my child were being raised in a different home, would their behavior be different?” As an adoptive parent, I must admit that I have asked myself that question hundreds of times. I’ve felt embarrassment and shame and wondered if I was good enough to parent my difficult child.

Americans spend millions of dollars each year on books and seminars trying to find answers for their child’s behavior. Most result in little or no change. To say that the debate over “Nature vs. Nurture” is convoluted is an understatement.

Psychologist John Watson had this to say on the issue:

“Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I’ll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select … regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations and race of his ancestors.”

Any parent who has raised more than one child should find this nurture theory laughable. Every day we see children raised in the same home, taught the same morels and beliefs, turn out with totally different beliefs and convictions than those they were taught and of those of their siblings.

Moreover, as foster and adoptive parents can attest, changing the environment of a child doesn’t just take away previous trauma and neglect. A foster/adoptive parent may wonder: “How much of a child’s behavior is a response from previous trauma and how much could be from some sort of possible disorder?”

The Nature theory asserts that nearly all traits such as intelligence, personality, aggression, and sexual orientation are encoded in an individual’s genes.

Genes and Environment

According to years of genetic research on twins, Dr. Danielle Posthuma of the Neuroscience Campus in Amsterdam found that although a child may have a high genetic predisposition for a characteristic, whether physical or psychological, environment can still play a part.

However, prenatal exposure in utero is the most powerful environmental factor for foster and adopted children. Poor nutrition, drug and alcohol exposure, stress hormones of the mother, all can affect a child’s development and neurophysiology even before birth or experiencing other trauma as a child.

Dr. Posthuma’s study reported that conditions such as ADHD is 68% inherited, but environment is a factor in only 6% of cases. Surprisingly, the predisposition for cocaine addiction is 64% inherited, but environment plays only a small role (7%). Schizophrenia is 77% is inherited and only 1% due to environment (this is due to the late adolescent/early adult onset of the disorder).

Although the predisposition for behavioral/mental disorders may be passed through genes, if you were to take this theory to the extreme, one could excuse all behavior as simply a product of their genes and conclude that no one is responsible for any of their behavior.

Despite the apparent flaws in both the Nature and Nurture theories, after raising 4 children, I find myself on a daily basis leaning more to the “Nature” side of the debate.  Because of my experience and research, I lean less and less to the “Nurture” side.

Growing up in a Christian home, I believed that there was one God who controlled the universe. I believed that He was the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent creator of everything. I believed that He loved and cared for all human life and that through prayer, our lives could be made better.

If a person believes this is true, then that same person cannot also believe that environment plays a major role in a child’s outcome. If we believe that putting a child in different home, with different parents, would create a better outcome, then we must also believe that this same God we say is in control of everything, made a mistake.

If a child would be better off in a different home, then why wouldn’t that same God put him in a different home from the beginning?

It cannot be both ways. We must either believe that a child is born with a predisposition for his behaviors and would have those behaviors no matter what.  Or we must believe that God makes mistakes.

If you are a person who believes that God is not capable of making mistakes, then you must believe that the child placed in your home is there for a purpose.

Although your child may have a high genetic predisposition for a psychological disorder, it’s not 100%. There are no guarantees that the end result will be different. (A child with sociopathic tendencies may still end up in jail).  But by giving a child the medical attention, therapies, interventions, and other help they need, your influence will make a difference in a child’s life.

This was a submitted guest post. 

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Open Letter To Friends and Family of Foster Parents

Open letter to family and friends of foster families during the Holidays…..

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I never thought I’d be writing one of these silly “open letter” things but there are just a few things I need to address. Now simmer down and don’t be offended if you recognize yourself. Yes, some of you have done these things, and no, not all of you have done all of them; and hey, some are “what if’s” and “please don’ts” and just my overly sensitive imagination.

1. My foster child is my child

First and foremost from the moment a foster child walks into my home they are ours. They are our child. I expect YOU to give them the love and respect you have always given our biological children. Let that sit for a minute. It sounds easy but for a lot of people it’s really not.

2. My foster child doesn’t know you

Please remember when we walk in your door for the first time I have a semi scared, new child with me. Even though we all know each other; she/he does not know you. You are a stranger and this is probably the 7th holiday party we’ve been to this year; that’s a lot of new people. So, no my new little love probably does not want to hug each and every one of you. Would you want to walk into a room full of loud strangers whose names are being shouted at you and hug them all? Sorry, no she’s not being rude or shy…..just normal. And while yes, she’s about the same age as Cousin Sally’s daughter they may not be best friends in 2 minutes; or they might be but let’s let them decide.

3. My foster child may not like our traditional foods

Meals; this is a tough one. YES I LOVE your fruit and walnut surprise salad but if he doesn’t that’s ok. We’ve all grown up on “our food” and it’s delicious but it tastes totally different than what he is used to. Remember everyone’s stuffing is a little different and guess what? He misses his grandmas stuffing as much as I would miss yours. So comments like “oh you didn’t eat much” or “don’t you like the ham salad casserole” are just a reminder to him that he’s not with his love ones this year. I promise I won’t let him go hungry. He may fill up on mashed potatoes but that’s ok, I’ll get in extra veggies tomorrow.

4.  My foster child can hear your whispers

Oh yes even a 6 year old can hear, especially when you are hard of hearing and can’t whisper. So when we walk out of a room sweet comments like “oh, that’s such a nice thing they are doing” or “she’s so lucky to have them” or “I’m so proud of her for taking in that poor child” can be heard by THAT POOR CHILD. The last thing a kid wants to feel like is a poor charity case. No, she’s not lucky to have us we’re lucky to have her. So instead of telling her “you’re so blessed to be with them” lets try “we’re so blessed to have you with us this year”. Also, along the lines that even a 6 year old can hear……when she walks out of the room please don’t ask me about her case or her parents or where her siblings are this year. She might be able to hear you and guess what???? It’s none of your business. She’s with us for now; nope I’m not sure how long we’ll have her, that’s up to the courts and if things get to the point that we may adopt her I’ll let you all know when she’s not in the other room and feeling like people are talking about her behind her back………..because YOU are.

5. My foster child should have gifts that are equal to my “real” children

Now let’s get real, gifts. When we come to your home gifts are not necessary. Please don’t feel like you are required to get my children gifts, I can promise they have enough stuff and will get to open plenty of pretty boxes this year. But if you buy for one of them YES I EXPECT YOU TO BUY FOR ALL OF THEM (fosters included). If that’s a financial burden on you please either excuse all my kids from your gift giving or purchase less expensive gifts for them all. I know we’ve been easy on you all these years by only having one kid at home at a time but guess what? Those days are over. And for goodness sakes be fair and equal with your gifts. No, my 9 year old foster child will not love the socks you gave them when she sees her 16 year old foster sister getting a $50 gift card to her favorite store. EQUAL please; lets go $25 and $25 and you’re still coming out ahead since you didn’t buy the socks. Don’t you DARE “slip” my bio kid an extra gift or cash while in the other room either. NOPE….don’t do it, because guess what? When you did she spent half of it on her foster sib anyway because that’s the kind of kids she is.

6.  Please don’t tell my foster child “you’re going to have the best Christmas ever”

NOPE, they are not going to have the best Christmas ever. Will they get more gifts than they usually do? Probably……but their biggest wish would be to be for their family to be healthy so they could be back with them; even if it meant only getting the gifts someone donated to them or from the 2nd hand store.

7. Accept my family’s decisions and give us your love and support.

Guess what family and friends? We’re loud, we love big and we are on a new adventure. Please show my family grace and give us room to stay on this big adventure. I’ll apologize now for my foster love not following all our normal and ordinary traditions or behaviors. Yes it’s all new to them too. Table manners, gratitude when getting gifts, saying “yes ma’m” and “no sir”, not touching ornaments and their behavior may be normal to them or could be symptoms of other issues my new love has.

Yes, my foster love may not be with us forever but as long as he/she is with us let’s make sure they are treated like family and not an outsider or spectacle.

Written by foster mom, Nikki Hadley

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When Foster Parenting is More Than You Bargained For

Emergency foster care placement is what we were labeled. Most parents have months to prepare for their child arriving into the world. We only had 4 days! Less than 1 week of scrambling for clothes, toys, lawyers, and paperwork. So. Much. Paperwork! We joke that no labor pains were needed, the papercuts were harsh enough! At the time, we didn’t know if we were going to have children in our home for a week or 2 days.

We received the phone call that we were licensed foster parents, and to come to the DHS office immediately to pick up our new placements. At 4:30 p.m. on January 28th, I met 2 children, with the clothes on their back, broken shoes (our little girl was even walking on the heels of hers as she couldn’t fit her foot into the unmatched shoes she had on), a backpack each with a pair of socks and a change of underwear. A stuffed animal they were given by one of the case workers still sits on our living room shelf.

When our foster kids came to stay with us, we just knew it wouldn’t be permanent. These two scared children needed a roof over their heads and stability immediately. Even though they were to stay for a short time, we fell in love. We had no idea what was going to happen right around the corner.

Like most foster parents, we had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into, and the toll that parenting traumatized children would have on us as adults.

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Although these children were safe from the abuse — for an entire year, they had to re-experience the memory of their abuse over and over through continued visitation with their biological parents who had hurt them. After these visits, their behaviors escalated, even to the heartbreaking point of self-harm!

At times, we weren’t sure if we were going to make it — our marriage was challenged on a whole new level, along with our own personal sanities. We experienced intense challenges in our home life — from having only plastic silverware accessible, 24-hour watches, daily trips to the school, multiple therapeutic appointments every week. We were spending over 30 hours a week in the car driving to appointments, and sitting in waiting rooms! We were physically and emotionally exhausted!

What kept us going is our faith and our strength within each other – and we are still learning that one! We kept going because every adult that had cared for these two children, had either given up or harmed them to unimaginable lengths.

But, over time, these children have overcome. They eventually learned that no matter what, we were there to support them. They could not see us cry. We were it. And, no matter what, we had to keep moving forward. We were their constant. AND WE MADE PANCAKES WITH BLUEBERRIES!!

We still have our challenges. There is a hurdle daily. The trauma these children experienced will unfortunately be something they will have to continually overcome. They are learning what it is like to be loved, challenged, corrected, nurtured, cherished, and most importantly, parented.

So here we are. Over 2 years later. A permanent family. The Limbourgs, party of 4!

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The Limbourgs were married in 2007 and tried to start a family right away. After years of infertility treatments, they looked into foster care after having a dream. Little did they know, that was their calling for their family foundation. They have a small farm in rural Oregon with goats, alpacas, chickens and bunnies. Their children are now involved in 4-H, and are loving every minute of it!

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How Secondary Trauma Affects Your Other Children

If you bring traumatized children into your home, the traumatic events that they suffered through can take its toll on you, the caregiver, even to the point that you can begin to suffer from secondary traumatic stress (STS).  Read more on STS and stress management tips.

Secondary traumatic stress occurs when someone is repeatedly exposed, directly or even indirectly, to trauma or suffering. Secondary trauma develops due to the stress the parent or caregiver experiences from helping or wanting to help a traumatized child. Sometimes a foster parent or caregiver can even be at risk of developing the same symptoms as the child directly affected by the trauma. A person is especially vulnerable to secondary trauma stress if they’ve experienced previous trauma.

But as a foster/adoptive parents, we understand how living with trauma affects us, but we are just beginning to realize how raising a traumatized child is traumatizing our other children. Children are especially susceptible to secondary trauma because of their limited ability to understand the traumatic experiences surrounding them. Young children struggle to make sense of trauma and are completely dependent on adults for their emotional and physical needs.

To me, it doesn’t seem that adoptive families have truly been informed about this ripple effect of trauma. I know I wasn’t. Sure, trauma-informed care is just now beginning to be discussed in foster parent training, but many of us became foster parents before this latest buzzword began making the rounds.

Trauma affects everyone in the home.

Trauma-in-BrothersWhen my son, JD, was a toddler, we added another baby boy to our family. We were excited for JD to have a brother to bond with and have as a companion growing up and into adulthood. They are brothers and love each other. When one gets in trouble, the other takes up for him. However, we didn’t know the extent of JD’s trauma, and how that trauma would affect our family.

JD’s trauma is intense, although he doesn’t remember his infant neglect, but when he feels hunger or has a drop in blood sugar, his primal fear of hunger takes over and my cheerful, sweet child becomes a totally different person. (He has had his blood sugar tested numerous times, and no physiological problems exists with his blood sugar.)

As the parents, we have struggled through secondary trauma. But what about our youngest? How has growing up under the effects of trauma affected him? Did our baby inadvertently grow up in fear? How did he not?

Signs of Secondary Trauma

Emotional Indicators: anger, sadness, anxiety
Physical Indicators: headaches, tummy aches, constipation
Personal Indicators: cynicism, irritability with family members

As I look through this list, I’m saddened see how each member of our family shows indicators of secondary trauma. What are we doing to help our other child?

Counseling: An important part of healing. We will continue counseling for both our children, of course.

Evaluation: Evaluate your family situation. We are currently taking a break from foster parenting to focus on healing the current members of our family.  But before that, our personal standard had become to only add foster children to our family that are younger than our youngest. We’ve learned that trauma shouldn’t be modeled to our younger children.

Individual Attention: Also, because our LilBit has grown up under all this trauma and stress, we’ve made the decision to homeschool him this next school year. Through homeschooling, he will finally receive the one-on-one attention he usually doesn’t get when his brother’s needs overshadow everyone else’s. We are excited about the possibilities of how our homeschool adventure can help heal each member of our family.

Through sharing my struggles of parenting trauma publicly with you, my hope is that you will be truly informed about trauma and its effects on your entire family. I also hope that you seriously evaluate your family when introducing trauma to your young children.

I still advocate foster parenting, but I also desire that both your eyes and heart are open to all that journey entails.

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Real Answers about Being a Foster Parent

It’s hard to find out what it’s really like being a foster parent.  No training is going to tell you what really happens. For the last year, each week, I’ve been asking foster parents on Instagram a question about being a foster parent.  Here are their real answers.

Follow me on Instagram for more…

What its really like being a foster parent. Lots of questions with dozens of answers.

Family visits

Missed Visits

What do you say to your foster child when a parent doesn’t show for a visit? #fostercarequestions #fostercare

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Teachers

  #FosterCareFriday – How much do you share with teachers about your kids in #fostercare? #backtoschool   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Court Hearings

#FosterCareFriday – COURT HEARINGS – Do you attend #fostercare hearing? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Number of Kids

  #fostercarefriday: WHAT IS THE OPTIMUM NUMBER OF KIDS FOR YOUR FAMILY? #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Age Gap

Work Outside the Home

Goodbye

How many times have you had to say GOODBYE? #fostercarefriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Birthmothers

  How do you show support to birthmothers? http://bit.ly/16NF3jU #FosterCareFriday #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on


Books

#FosterCareFriday What books have been the most helpful in your #fostering journey?

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Be sure and follow me on Pinterest for the answers to other questions you may have as a foster parent. Dozens of foster parents answer tough questions about being a foster parent.

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How Can Attachment Become So Disorganized?

Before becoming a parent, a person should understand the four attachment parenting types. Specifically, foster parents should study the disorganized attachment style. Why? Because 80% of abused children come from a home with a disorganized attachment style – an attachment based on FEAR. (Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel)

80 percent of abused children have disorganized attachment.

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

  • Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
  • Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
  • Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Style

  • Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
  • Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
  • Prone to dissociation from relationships

I recently attended a workshop on Attachment and the Circle of Security — which simplified the disorganized attachment style down to 3 things parents do to disorganize attachment in their children.

MEAN, WEAK, or GONE!

Is the parent MEAN?

The very person a child has to rely on for safety or care causes fear in the child. That’s pretty much a given for physical abuse of the children that come into foster care. But it doesn’t have to be physical abuse. Harassing or humiliating a child is a subtle form of abuse that causes emotional problems for a child needing to feel secure. A child can become disorganized in their attachment.

Is the parent WEAK?

A weak, permissive, or not-in-charge parent can surprisingly cause a chaotic, disorganized family structure. When a child “rules the roost,” the entire family suffers. There is such a fine line from being permissive and giving a child a voice. Honestly, this is the struggle in our own family as we parent our traumatized, strong-willed child. Parents much be in charge, but in a kind way.

Is the parent GONE?

If a parent isn’t around and a child has to take care of themselves, the child loses any sense of security, and the family can become disorganized. Note that a parent doesn’t have to be physically gone. A parent that is spaced out using drugs is not present in the child’s life, even if they are sitting in the same room with the child. As a child of an alcoholic, I experienced feelings of aloneness and took up the role of caregiver in my family as a young teen.  But even a parent that doesn’t use drugs or alcohol can be “gone” if they are preoccupied with other things in their life – examples include watching TV, electronics, video games, or online a lot of the time and not engaging with the child. A child needs to feel a connection with their parent in that their emotional needs of feeling important are met.

Parenting children with disorganized attachment is a challenge not to be taken lightly. But by learning a variety of parenting techniques that encourage attachment, a parent can help a child learn to trust and become more secure in their attachment.

I’m Clever

Sway