Foster2Forever

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10 Tips for Foster Care Visitation Online

Sometimes children in foster care cannot have face-to-face visitation with parents. During those times, video conferencing is a convenient option. You will need to contact your agency for specific foster care visitation rules.

ZOOM VIDEO

Zoom is a free video conferencing platform that you can easily use on a computer, tablet or mobile device to connect children with their parents virtually.  The Zoom platform allows one user with an account to send a link to other users (only the host has to have a Zoom video account). Mobile devices may require you to download the Zoom app. The free Zoom video plan allows online family visitation of up to 40 minutes with a number of participants.

MARCO POLO

Marco Polo is a video-based messenger that can be used send short videos when scheduling a particular time is difficult. The Marco Polo app is like a video walkie-talkie. It allows you to leave video voicemails that you can check when child is alert and active and respond with cute videos of the child.

MESSENGER KIDS

Facebook has created the Messenger Kids app with numerous parental controls. You can set the app to be active only during particular hours. Messenger for Kids also has numerous filters and games that kids really enjoy. If privacy is an issue, you can set up a Facebook account that you only use for parents and send a request for the parent to connect with the Messenger for Kids app.

foster care visitation rules guidelines online

TIPS FOR FOSTER CARE VISITATION ONLINE

1.  Choose a time of day when the child is alert and active. Avoid times just before or just after naptime.

2.  Use a larger screen device that is just out of reach so children can see screen better.

3.  Contain movement of little ones. Whether the visitation is in their room with the door closed or in a high chair, it will help you from chasing the child down. (We all know how quick toddlers can be)

4.  Have an activity for the child. Children can still communicate with parents while eating a snack, coloring, or playing with toys or Play-Doh.

5.  Give ideas on how to engage with little ones, if parents are open to suggestions. Parents can sing songs, read short story (works best if both child and parent have the same book), talk to kids through a character (sock puppet, stuffed animal, etc).

6.  Suggest more frequent shorter online visitation sessions, especially for younger children, at the discretion of the case worker. Young children will struggle to stay focused on a conversation for any length of time.

7.  Don’t feel pressure to keep children engaged. If kids aren’t engaging much, allow parents to just watch their child play. Video visitation for infants and toddlers are more for the parents to stay connected with their child while they are separated.

8.  Follow the child’s lead for when the call should end. If the child is getting squirmy, tired or cranky, consider scheduling more time later, at the discretion of the case worker.

9.  Prepare for acting out. Seeing you and parents at the same time will be very confusing for little ones. Children will act out the big feelings they can’t communicate. Allow time after calls for the child to de-escalate. Swinging, jumping, or other repetitive movements will help calm the child’s brain.

10. Even if it’s difficult, facilitate a relationship with the parent (with strict boundaries). Keeping children connected to their biological parents is in their best interest, especially as children transition to reunification.

3 tips to make family visits easier for your foster child.

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I Judged Birthfamily Until I Became One

Judgment! If we are honest, we’ve all done it! And especially, as a foster parent, and hearing the stories of the children in my care, I’ve judged the birthfamily.  How could a parent choose a party, a boyfriend, or drugs over caring for a baby?

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Then one day, I received a call for a placement; however, this call wasn’t about one of THOSE families – it was a call about a child from my own family.

Child Protective Services was removing the baby from a family member – and in all honestly, we all knew the child wasn’t safe in those conditions.

I Became the Birthfamily

All of a sudden, the tables were turned and I was the one being judged, even by the CPS caseworker – just for being a member of THAT family.  And would you believe, that even though I was a licensed foster parent, the caseworker did not want to place the baby with us?  My requests to bring the baby into our family were met with deaf ears, and my frustrations with the foster care system increased, albeit from another angle.  A paradigm shift, for sure.

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After a number of months of fruitless calls to CPS, I actually met my youngest cousin and her foster family at a Christmas party for foster kids.  The foster parents loved her and were keeping her safe. We exchanged numbers, and the foster family kept in touch with me while she was in care.  The child eventually reunited with her other parent, and the case was closed.

Check out endmommywars.com where moms can find encouragement instead of judgement.

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac to #EndMommyWars and support other moms rather than place judgement. 

SIMILAC-Sisterhood-of-Motherhood-blogger

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Real Answers about Being a Foster Parent

It’s hard to find out what it’s really like being a foster parent.  No training is going to tell you what really happens. For the last year, each week, I’ve been asking foster parents on Instagram a question about being a foster parent.  Here are their real answers.

Follow me on Instagram for more…

What its really like being a foster parent. Lots of questions with dozens of answers.

Family visits

Missed Visits

What do you say to your foster child when a parent doesn’t show for a visit? #fostercarequestions #fostercare

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Teachers

  #FosterCareFriday – How much do you share with teachers about your kids in #fostercare? #backtoschool   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Court Hearings

#FosterCareFriday – COURT HEARINGS – Do you attend #fostercare hearing? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Number of Kids

  #fostercarefriday: WHAT IS THE OPTIMUM NUMBER OF KIDS FOR YOUR FAMILY? #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Age Gap

Work Outside the Home

Goodbye

How many times have you had to say GOODBYE? #fostercarefriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Birthmothers

  How do you show support to birthmothers? http://bit.ly/16NF3jU #FosterCareFriday #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on


Books

#FosterCareFriday What books have been the most helpful in your #fostering journey?

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Be sure and follow me on Pinterest for the answers to other questions you may have as a foster parent. Dozens of foster parents answer tough questions about being a foster parent.

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Can You Really Support THOSE Mothers?

“I can be a much better mother than her!”  I have to admit that I think that sometimes, especially as a foster parent. Even if the kids haven’t been removed from their mother because of actual abuse, but because the kids were in “unsafe conditions.”  The mother may not make the best choices in men or employment or recreational activities — but when it comes down to it — she is a mother!

And sometimes it’s really difficult to support a child’s reunification with family! Especially if we see that the child will be returning to a dysfunctional family. But supporting reunification is always the first goal of foster care!

When my young son came to my home as a neglected infant, I was upset about the neglect and lack of care given to this baby. However, I had to overcome my judgement to support this young mother in her quest to overcome her demons and have her son returned, even though it didn’t make sense to me.  I had already considered him “my baby boy” and a member of our family.

As an excited new mom, I went all out purchasing all sorts of cute baby boy clothes for “my new baby boy.”  I found the cutest 3-piece suit and had professional photos taken of my slobbery baby boy.

The butterflies twirled around my stomach before each family visit.  Then I realized something:

#sisterhoodunite

While I had feelings of loss before each family visit — this baby’s mother was feeling that loss every moment.

I realized I had to overcome my judgement of this young mother and show her support. I purchased a Mother’s Day card for this young mom from her 9-month-old son — Cookie Monster saying “I wuv you, Mommy!”  Inside the card I added a photo of her baby boy in that little suit.

#SisterhoodUnite

The next court date arrived, and sadly, it didn’t go well for her – she openly admitted her mistakes to the judge. But afterward, this young mother spoke to the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) saying: “Please tell my son’s foster mom thank you so much for the Mother’s Day gift. It means so much to me.” That was the last time the young mother ever showed up in court or for family visits.

Sometimes we may forget how important or meaningful it is to show support and offer encouragement to the other moms. A small gesture of a simple card and photos can make a world of difference to a mom that hasn’t had any support her entire life.

I am proud to be joining the Sisterhood of Motherhood to encourage parents to support each other and to unite around the idea that we’re all in this together. I believe in this message of support and non-judgement!

Join me and become a part of the sisterhood!

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac in the Sisterhood of Motherhood campaign to support other moms rather than place judgement. #SisterhoodUnite #ParentsFirst

SIMILAC-Sisterhood-of-Motherhood-blogger

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Foster Care Isn’t About You

Last year everything changed for me. We had fostered before. This sweet girl wasn’t our first baby to love and let go.

But somehow through all of our previous foster children I had managed to maintain the idea that I was the better parent in all of this. That for some reason these children really deserved to have me more than their biological parents deserved to be able to parent them. That I truly was the better parent and that anyone with half a brain would see that these kids needed to stay with me, for their own good.

And then we got baby Mary.

Her parents had been struggling with a hardcore drug addiction for years and years. This wasn’t their first CPS case and they had lost custody before. The case seemed so black and white to me at first. Of course baby Mary should stay with us. She deserved better than that. She deserved me.foster-care-birthfamily-reunification

But then the visits started. And every single week Mary came home with formula and diapers and new clothes. Every week her parents brought a disposable camera for us so that we could take pictures of her through the week and then send the camera back with her to the next visit for them to develop.

Her parents started a journal and they wanted to know every detail of what was going on – doctor’s appointments, milestones, what we was happening in our family. And every week they expressed deep thanks to us for taking care of their baby girl.

I went to court with them. I heard them stand before the judge and express how desperately they wanted their baby girl back and how they were going above and beyond what was asked of them to make sure that they could provide her with a safe place to call home. I heard the results of every drug test – negative. I saw them searching for jobs and finding a stable place to live and getting a car.

And then I realized the truth.

These people aren’t monsters. They are parents who got mixed up in some junk and who really, really hate it and who want nothing more in the world than to make a better life for their daughter.
It’s been two years and her parents are still clean. They are living a beautiful life, gainfully employed. We are so blessed to be able to see her from time to time. That baby girl is right where she needs to be.

Mary’s parents changed me. They changed the way I view foster care and adoption. They turned me into the world’s biggest cheerleader for the parents of my foster children.

Yes, I would love to adopt more children. But if there is a child in my home whose parents are really trying, I am going to do everything in my power to support them and encourage them and help them get to the point of being able to care for their child again.

Because fostering isn’t about me. It is about a child and it is about a family. But it is not about me.

foster-parent-blog-forum-support-storiesJenn is an adoptee turned foster, biological and adoptive mom. She blogs about life, faith, foster care and adoption at buildingmommymuscles.com.

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Another Call for a Newborn Baby!

If you’ve been following along on Facebook or Instagram, you’ve already heard the news.

Our 4-year-old, LilBit, has yet ANOTHER newborn sibling now in foster care!

foster-care-baby-adoption

And this makes Baby #8 to be removed and placed in foster care.

Five of the birthmother’s children were adopted together by a family friend who had questionable motives for adoption.

And our LilBit was #6.

Just a few days before LilBit’s adoption, we received a placement call for his newborn sibling (#7). (Read that story because, that day, we also received a call about our other son having a newborn sibling.) We lamented on whether to take another adoptive placement of a newborn from foster care. This is what happened.

So here we are, two years later, with Baby #8 in a group foster home, hundreds of miles away. Because the baby is in another area of the state, we don’t know how placement would work or even if it’s possible.

I am asking you to lift up this baby in prayer! And everyone involved in this baby’s life: the mother, the foster parents, the caseworkers, and us! God has a plan for this baby.  Stay tuned for the latest on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!

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When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

As foster parents, our first goal is to always support reunification with birthfamilies. But sometimes, reunification just isn’t safe for a child, especially given situations of abuse and violence.

Foster Ducklings explains the Foster Parent’s Dilemma:

I believe in reunification. I believe in keeping families together. We started fostering because we understand that sometimes life just jumps up and kicks you in the teeth. We feel called to be able to say to bio parents, “Hey, sometimes life is too much. You worry about you and get yourself straightened out. We’ve got the baby. He’s safe and happy and loved.” We love the idea of mentoring these parents to help them learn to be the best possible parents for their child. Because we believe that the vast majority of the time, the best possible parents for a child are the ones who created her.
But… sometimes… reunification isn’t what’s best…

When parental rights are on the brink of being terminated, some birthparents just give up and disappear. {Drug addictions that just can’t be broken} Sadly, the birthparents of our two boys and another foster daughter saw their children just a few times before disappearing out of their lives.  However, some birthparents have a chance for a last visit to say goodbye to their children.

foster-child-goodbye-birthmother-adoption

Foster mom, Ashley, of Fostering Love at Home, wrote in her post A Time to Say Goodbye to What Used to Be:

Today my kids will be saying goodbye, officially, to their past life. Their former life connections have been terminated. They are no longer tied to where they came from. The legal process of this change occurred earlier this month, and today is when my children will be given a chance to say goodbye.

There are a lot of feelings surrounding this event. The children are anxious and worried and wanting to express anger while also crying because of the grief of the situation. Yet, they are also excited that this means adoption is getting closer. Can you imagine the conflicting feelings? Great sadness, yet great joy. Great anger, yet great happiness.

Jess of Good & Hardy expressed the intense sorry of the Goodbyes when their foster son saw his birthmom for the last time:
I felt awful….that this {birthmother} has to live with the last image of her little boy forever – him running out of a room with her in it, calling someone else mommy. It makes my stomach hurt to think about the kind of pain that must bring.

The Lark’s Nest shares in her post, the day they said goodbye:

today was the kids’ final visit with their birth mother.
it was horribly heartbreaking.
she was devastated but she tried to be strong for the kids.
she was able to have a few minutes alone with each child, individually.
she told them how much she loved them.
she told them it was okay to love their new family.
today we start the healing.
it will be a rough few weeks… months….
who knows how long it takes to be okay after losing someone you love so much.
their hearts will still ache years from now when they think about her.

The foster care system is full of brokenness. Broken homes, broken families, broken lives, broken hearts, and broken spirits.

Our role as foster parents is tough. Gut-wrenchingly tough to console grief-stricken children on situations they might not understand.

Although an emotional nightmare, a goodbye visit with birthfamily, is a means of closure. Our foster daughter intensely struggled with unresolved grief from her abandonment. Her mother chose to relinquish her parental rights just before her daughter’s ninth birthday and did not want to see her daughter again. Although, a goodbye visit would have been tough on both mother and daughter, this poor, little girl needed to see her mom one last time to say goodbye.

Children need to know they are loved and wanted.  As difficult as it can be sometimes, we just have to love them through the tough times to help them heal from the brokenness.

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6 Tips for Children With Parents In Prison

One in 28 children in the United States has a parent that is currently incarcerated (1).

Sadly, a number of these children wind up in foster care.  A quarter of the foster children that have been in my care had a parent that was incarcerated at the time of placement.  To some children, going to jail is a regular event that just means you need to go bail them out. And other children feel shame and even guilt when a parent goes to prison.
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6 tips for when a child has a parent in prison:

1. Help the child feel secure in his surroundings with reliable people and activities.

Surround the child with people and places that he knows.  Don’t overwhelm the child with new places and people at first.

2. Have a predictable schedule and let him know what will happen during the day.

Children do best when they know what to expect.  “Dad will be taking you to school, then I will pick you up from school for a doctor appointment. After that we will stop by the grocery store before going home for dinner.”

3. Encourage your child to talk about his feelings.

Ask “How are you feeling?” I love this touching Sesame Street video when Muppet Murray talks to child Nylo about his mom’s incarceration. Grab a Kleenex…

4. Let the child know that it’s okay to have big feelings.

I had a family member with an incarcerated parent, and when this child got in trouble, the words were heartbreaking: “I’m bad, just like my dad!”

Shame, guilt, sadness, and anger are such big emotions for a child to handle. Let them know that it’s okay to feel that way, but that feelings change:  “I know that you’re having some really big feelings right now, and that’s okay…feelings never last forever.  They always change.  So even though right now, your big, big feelings are making you {sad}, they won’t last forever.  I promise.” (2)

Kids-emotions-quote

5. Talk honestly with the child about his parent’s incarceration.

Honesty builds trust which is what a child needs during this time. “Daddy is in jail because he broke a grown-up rule called a law.”

6. Let the child know that the incarceration is not his fault.

Some children from hard places take the world on their shoulders and are full of worry and guilt about things they have no control.  Let them know that it’s not their fault that their parent was the one that made a bad choice.

Sesame Street has released a new initiative  for children with parents in prison.  For more tips, activities and videos, check out Sesame Street’s Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration.

sesame-street-incarceration-website

What has been your experience with children whose parents are incarcerated?

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Mindy McCready Commits Suicide While Kids Back in Foster Care

Country singer Mindy McCready is dead after an apparent suicide, just one month after her boyfriend commits suicide.  Her children, Zane (age 6), and Zander (age 10 months) were placed back in foster care last week, as McCready checked herself back into rehab.

In November 2011, she made national headlines when she kidnapped her then 5-year-old son the boy from her mother, Gayle Inge, who had legal custody with her husband, Michael.  McCready had taken her son to her home in Arkansas, saying she had “concerns over his safety”.

After authorities found Zander days later hiding with his mother in a closet in her home, the Arkansas Division of Children and Family Services took custody of the child and placed him in foster care.

In December 2011, she won back custody of her son, instead of her mother. She met her “soulmate” David Wilson, gave birth to his son, Zander, less than a year ago. However, her happy ending didn’t last long.

On January 13th, David died of what was first ruled a “self-inflicted gunshot wound”; however, police were still investigating last week.

On February 6th, a judge had ordered her committed to a mental health facility after she admitted she had been drinking too much, and her sons were placed in foster care again. Her father said she was also abusing prescription drugs again.  McCready spent just one day in rehab before she was allowed to go home.

She was found last night dead of a gunshot wound at the same location her boyfriend had died. She shot the family dog before turning the gun on herself.

Please pray for Mindy McCready’s sons who still remain in foster care in Arkansas!

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