Foster2Forever

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How Foster Parents Unknowingly Cause Anger Outbursts

Parenting an angry foster child can be frustrating, confusing, and sometimes quite overwhelming. Even the smallest things can cause an angry outburst.

parenting-angry-foster-child

My foster child was struggling to open the half-gallon of milk.  But pulling the tab was a bit too complicated for her small hands. As I noticed her frustration building, I came over to help but then I saw RED all over the container!

“Oh no, sweetheart! Let me help you. You’re pulling that wrong! Is that BLOOD??!?”

Surprisingly, her reaction was of ANGER: “NO! That’s not blood! You’re so STUPID!”

I was befuddled as my angry foster child stormed off yelling at me. I had only been worried that she had cut herself on the plastic ring tab. Why did she go off on me?

Meanwhile, my husband had watched our interaction from the dining room. His observation made me realize how hyper-sensitive a child with past trauma can be.

“You told her she was doing it WRONG.”

Wow! A simple word. A word I had spoken. A negative word. WRONG.

One word can quickly make a hurt child feel stupid, unworthy, unloved.
One word can conjure up all sorts of feelings of self-doubt in a child from a hard place.
One word can cut deep into the soul of a traumatized child.
One word can plummet a child’s self-esteem with one utterance.

Foster children can be HYPER-VIGILANT OF EVERYTHING around them, including small words.

For instance, a traumatized child can pick up on the smallest negative nuance:

  • One negative word,
  • A negative connotation,
  • A stern glance, or
  • Even a simple sigh of frustration.

Moreover, that’s why each time you have a negative interaction with your foster child – evaluate how you communicated afterword.

  • Were you calm in your interaction?
  • Did you use a calm tone of voice?
  • Did you come close to speak or did you speak across a room?
  • Did you use negative words?
  • Did you show any negativity?
  • Did you show empathy for your child?
  • What could you have said or done differently?

In short, by evaluating YOUR response to your foster child’s behavior, you can begin to identify triggers that may unknowingly be setting off your child.

By the way, the red wasn’t blood. It was smeared red Cheetos! Whew!

Check out these online courses for foster parents! 

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This Foster Youth Aged Out to a Life of Crime and Addiction

One in five youth aging out of foster care will become homeless immediately. [1]  Up to half of youth aging out of foster care will become homeless within 18 months.  One in four youth aging out of foster care will be in prison within two years. [2] 

This is the true story of one of these… 

Entering the Foster Care System

When I was just three-years-old, Rhode Island Department of Children, Youth, and Families came and took custody my sister. Then, my biological mother, in a desperate attempt to keep me from also being taken from her, kidnapped me and fled to the state of New York.  During this period of “being on the run” I have several memories where I questioned what was actually going on in my life.

My earliest memories are of watching my biological mother snort cocaine off a chest freezer. I remember being handcuffed and locked in a closet. Then there’s the memory of being dropped off at a foster home.

I spent the next fifteen-plus years of my life trying to make sense of all this trauma. My way of making sense of it was to create stories to ease the confusion of what was actually happening. I created so, so many stories about who I was as a result of the trauma I had no control over.

“This happened, and as a result of this happening I am__________.”

Moving Through the Foster Care System

With each trauma and each move, my confusion increased, as did my anger and outbursts.

As time went on, I just wanted to shut off the confusion and pain of my past. By age 11, I started smoking marijuana to dull the pain. However, as my rebellious behavior escalated, the courts became involved, and placed me in my first of many institutions.

All this did was escalate my pain and confusion. All my acting out was my attempt to end my constant need to make sense of my life.

Turning to Drugs and Crime

After aging out of foster care, I began using drugs and alcohol on a daily basis, and became heavily involved in criminal activity to support my addiction. I was homeless for 4 years, and spent 7 years of my young life incarcerated. This lifestyle isolated me from any and all of my relationships.

On August 23, 2007, I was released from the New Hampshire State Prison where I had just served a two-year sentence for burglary charges.

Although I came out of prison sober, I was more confused than ever before, and overwhelmed with hopelessness.

youth-aging-out-of-foster-care

Rehab and Transformation

The court ordered me into yet another institution for drug and alcohol rehabilitation.

This is where my entire life finally changed.

Here is where I met my mentor, Rob. Rob agreed to guide me through my recovery journey, and show me how he had broken free from his addiction.

However, I did not think recovery would work for me, because I did not know any other way to survive. I had been playing the victim of my circumstances for so long.

In our first meeting, Rob asked me to tell him my life story. I shared the most painful events of my life. I retold how my biological mom had kidnapped me, how she had burned me with cigarettes, handcuffed me and locked me in a closet, about being placed in foster care, and then institutionalized……. And so on and so on.

Rob listened respectfully and when I finished talking, he said:

“It has to be really hard for you to be living in a 21-year-old body, but emotionally stuck as a 7-year-old.”

This revelation stopped me in my tracks. That is the moment that I began my 12-plus year obsession with transformational change.

My most recent book Embrace Your Past Win Your Future details my life and exactly how I changed my mindset from being a victim to embracing all I’ve overcome in my past.

Today, I don’t believe anything happened TO me. I believe that everything happened FOR me.

Mark Crandall, LMSW, LCDC, is a motivational speaker, clinical interventionist, and the host of Purpose Chasers Podcast. Mark went from a lost boy with countless traumatic experiences to drug addiction, prison, and an undying self-hatred to building multiple a highly sought after motivational speaker, transformational life and business coach.  His book, Embrace Your Past Win Your Future, shares his page-turning story of enduring childhood abuse, trauma, drug addiction, homelessness, and years of incarceration, and how Mark learned to turn his victimhood into victory.  

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Free Video Series for Foster/Adoptive Parents

Tried everything and nothing is working?
Feel like your living in total chaos all the time?
Thinking about having a foster child moved or just closing your foster home?

I know exactly how you feel! I have been there!

I didn’t know what to do! I tried everything! I read all the books and websites about parenting these hurt children. I attended extra foster parent training and conferences.  I knew all the things, but in the moment, I couldn’t remember anything… There’s so much information to remember – I couldn’t keep it all straight!

I was desperate! So I decided to go through every single bit of information I had — everything!

I got out all my books and notes I’ve taken through the years, and began scouring through all of it. I pulled out every tip and technique, and grouped them.  After doing this for a while, I began to see a pattern!  All this connected parenting guidance could be put into 3 categories:

CALM – Staying calm and using self-care were mentioned quite a bit, but there wasn’t much information in detail.

CONNECT – The tips and techniques all revolved around showing empathy for your child and using connection to build relationship.

CORRECT – Misbehavior has to be corrected, but sometimes this means coaching the child in the correct way to respond to situations.

This is how the idea behind CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT was born.

When I began focusing on using this CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT process with my children, I began seeing amazing RESULTS!!! 

After all these years, I finally was able to attune to my child’s emotions and understand what was really going on with my child, but most importantly, myself. I am finally able to feel amazing about the relationship of my attachment-challenged child.  I am calmer; my children are happier.

That’s why I created CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT — a comprehensive course using a step-by-step process that will enable you to:

  • calmly respond to trauma,
  • discover the fear behind behavior,
  • connect with your child during the hardest times, and
  • dramatically transform your relationship!

Watch this free video series, which takes you through the CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT process.

The first video is only 10 minutes long so you can watch just about anytime.

Registration for the full CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT course opens soon.

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The Connected Child Book Summary and How It Works in Real Life

The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family is a book I highly recommend for anyone who parents kids with troubled backgrounds, and should be required reading for all foster and adoptive parents.  This book can be used as a continual parenting resource because it discusses just about any issue that a foster or adoptive parent may encounter. In this in-depth, comprehensive book summary, I outline the variety of topics that this book covers.

While The Connected Child examines behavior with a holistic approach; it discusses in detail how the trauma of your child’s past has affected brain chemistry, fear response, and sensory processing abilities of your child. Although the information in the book is based on research, it is presented in easy-to-understand language.

The Connected Child Book Summary

The Connected Child begins by showing the reader that there can be HOPE and HEALING in your child. By closely observing your child, showing compassion, and eliminating the traditional parenting techniques that can become obstacles to attachment, you can create a connected relationship with your child hurt by trauma. READ HOW HOPELESS I FELT

The Connected Child stresses the importance of a baby’s first years, and how the loss of a nurtured environment can affect a child for a lifetime. This even includes the baby’s environment prenatally, and not just exposure to drugs and alcohol. Even a pregnant mother’s stress can cause an influx of stress hormones into an unborn child that can cause changes in a baby’s brain development. The Connected Child dedicates a chapter on how stress affects the chemistry of the brain and the importance of nutrition. READ HOW EARLY NEGLECT STILL AFFECTS MY CHILD 

The Connected Child includes solid, practical advice for a variety of behaviors that could be attributed to the trauma of a child’s past. The key is to decipher the behavior and the hidden message behind it. FEAR DRIVES A HURT CHILD’S BEHAVIOR. A parent can disarm this fear in order to meet the child’s need. READ HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONAL TRIGGERS

Although a hurt child maybe safe in your home, due to their past trauma, a child may not FEEL safe. A parent’s duty is to create an environment of “FELT SAFETY” for the child. Building trust and reducing stress are the ways to create an environment of felt safety. READ HOW I DISCOVERED THE CONNECTION BETWEEN TRAUMA AND MISBEHAVIOR

Children from hard places may not have learned appropriate social interactions. Due to their fear and survival instincts, a child may act out, throw tantrums, or try to manipulate or control others around them. The Connected Child discusses ways that a parent can teach life values, such as respect and accepting the word NO. The parent must consistently model these life values by staying calm, actively listening, and offering praise and encouragement. READ ABOUT MY STRUGGLE WITH CONNECTION

The Connected Child emphasizes how the traditional way of parenting with punishment, such as using time-outs, can be counterproductive to attachment by encouraging isolation and shame. This book provides a number of useful parenting strategies that you can put to use immediately, along with examples of dialog and phrases you can use. The emphasis is on providing a respectful environment which begins with the parent’s being mindful in their response to misbehavior. Parents can also build connection by staying close during the child’s tough times. The parenting techniques include offering choices and compromises, allowing re-do’s, and having a unified front with your partner to avoid triangulation. An entire chapter is devoted to dealing with defiance. READ HOW TO USE A TIME-IN FOR DISCIPLINE

The key to parenting children from hard places is to nurture at every opportunity with positive engagement and to be proactive in situations which may be difficult for your child. The Connected Child acknowledges that there will be setbacks, but encourages parents to look at the overall progress your child has made. READ WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I TREATED MY CHILD LIKE A BABY

The Connected Child concludes by discussing the importance of parents to heal their past emotional wounds.

“There are many wonderful, responsible, capable, and self-sacrificing people who carry around unresolved traumas and wounds inside them, and as a result they are unready to give the deep, nurturing care that an at-risk child requires.”

The Connected Child has become a reference book that I pick up and re-read over and over because I will always glean yet another great parenting strategy and understanding as I struggle to navigate through trauma behaviors.

With the large amount of parenting tools and advice given, this book may feel overwhelming for someone just beginning their foster/adoption journey. However, the book has a very thorough index in the back to help you find the topic you are needing help with.

BUY THE CONNECTED CHILD HERE!

Disclosure: This article contains Amazon affiliate links which means I receive an itty bitty commission with no additional cost to you. 

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5 Ways Hearing Loss Made Me a Better Parent

I had been suffering with a cold for over a week, fortunately not the flu. I was waking up with a stuffy nose, but this January morning was different. I woke suddenly that morning with excruciating pain in my left ear.  I had woken up with a sudden ear infection!

What’s this about? I hadn’t had an ear infection since I was a young child! I tried lifting my head but was overcome by dizziness, then I realized I couldn’t hear.

During my doctor visit, I was concerned about my hearing loss, but he assured me that antibiotics would clear up the infection. He said I would be better in a few days. However, after a few days of antibiotics, the pain had subsided, but I still couldn’t hear out of my left ear.

I called the doctor again; my stomach in knots. The doctor assured me again to not be alarmed. He even stated that my hearing may not return to normal for a month! I just had to have faith that the doctor was right.

So I began adjusting to life (and parenting) with a hearing impairment, and what I realized shocked me about my parenting style.

5 WAYS HEARING LOSS HAS MADE ME A BETTER PARENT:

1. NOT TALKING ACROSS ROOMS

I never realized how often our family talks to each other from across the room. By losing my hearing, I suddenly couldn’t hear what my family was saying to me. I realized that I had also been talking from a distance — Many times, it was me wanting my children to do something OR stop doing something. Then, when they didn’t comply, I would get irritated at them for “not listening to me.” How funny is that? Now I was the one not listening because I couldn’t hear. Do you find yourself talking across a room at your children?

2. GETTING CLOSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER

This sudden hearing loss required that I be close to hear what my children were saying. Getting close didn’t just mean proximity though. Getting close also meant that I had to put aside what I was doing in order to hear my child. A parent’s one-on-one full attention to a child strengthens the parent-child connection that children from hard places desperately need.

3. LOOKING AT MY CHILDREN WHEN THEY SPEAK

This hearing loss was particularly hard for me as I grew up with a father that had a severe hearing loss. Would history be repeating itself? Wouldn’t that be ironic? Growing up, my dad was always asking his children to look at him when we spoke. My dad needed that face-to-face contact so he could read our lips. When I lost my hearing, I discovered how valuable looking into my child’s face was – both in understanding what my children were saying, and letting them know that I was completely tuned into them. Many times, children from hard places haven’t had an adult tune into them and meet their needs.

4. CREATING EYE CONTACT IN CONVERSATIONS

As the famous quote says: “Eyes are the windows of the soul.” Eye contact helps with attachment and your child’s ability to connect with people. That means getting down to eye level with your children so you can make that eye contact and truly listen to their needs. Eye contact shows your children that you are tuned into them.

5. STAYING CALM DURING A TANTRUM

Because I couldn’t hear, tantrums didn’t bother me as much. I was able to literally “tune them out” making it easier for me to stay calm. As a child throws a tantrum, not engaging in the tantrum helps parents stay calmer. A parent must not get caught up in a child’s dysregulation to be effective in bringing a child back down to calmness.

Over the last two months, my hearing has improved, but it still hasn’t been fully restored. However, having this hearing loss has taught me how to connect better with my children to avoid the confusion and frustration that can come with not being heard.

 

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Hey Duggee! A (Not) Adoption Story

“MOM! An elephant adopted an alligator! You have to see!” I am amused, walking toward the living room. Then I am amazed. There on the screen is an elephant in a car with an alligator.

We are watching NickJr’s new animated show Hey Duggee! The show is about a big dog named Duggee, a troop leader for the Squirrel Club. The Squirrel Club Members are Tag, a rhino, Norrie, a mouse, Roly, a hippo, Betty an octopus, and Happy the alligator, whose parent is indeed an elephant.adoption-stories-cartoons-nickjr

In each episode, the Squirrel Club engages in fun educational activities that help them earn badges. The animation and dialog is simple and easy to follow making it suitable for preschoolers to watch.

The most amazing aspect of this program is that while Happy is adopted, there is no focus on it. Happy’s elephant parent is an accepted fact. I’m still not sure if the parent is mom or dad, but it really doesn’t matter. Nothing in the dialog states why Happy’s family is different. The implication is that the family is just different, that’s all.

This understatement is a big loud shout that different families are relevant and part of everyday life. The other very subtle observation is that crocodiles have attacked elephants in the wild. So even though Happy is not a crocodile but an alligator, the nuance of an elephant embracing an alligator into its heart and home nails down the fact that LOVE DOES CONQUER ALL.

In the past, television has portrayed adoption as a problem to be solved, or the adoptee or child needing a home is the center of the plot, and at times portrayed in a negative light. The audience is constantly reminded that adoption is the premise of the story, as well as the unconventionality that goes with it.

Not so with Hey Duggee! All families are welcome, with no questions asked. What amazed me most is that my child instantly recognized that Happy was adopted, without having it pointed out in the dialog. That is no small feat for children’s’ programming.

This has not gone unnoticed. Hey Duggee! has earned Studio AKA a BAFTA award in 2016 as well as an International Emmy award in 2017. The show is already in its second season and gaining popularity with adopted and traditional families alike.

Hey Duggee! can be seen on NickJr weekdays at 1:30pm EST or on the NickJr website anytime.

Disclosure: This is not a sponsored post. I did not receive any compensation as NickJr doesn’t even know about this blog. This is simply a mom excited about a new children’s program with an adoption element. 

Theresa Davis has been working with children and families for years, wearing different hats, mostly as an early childhood educator and now a teaching assistant. She writes for a local publication “The Parent Pages” as a columnist for the past two years, covering topics surrounding adoption, foster parenting and special needs families. She is also a former foster parent, now an adoptive mom of one daughter.  She enjoys knitting, yoga, trying new recipes, and crafting with her little one.

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Get Foster Parent Training and Help Hurricane Victims

SIGN UP FOR THE ADOPTION HEART CONFERENCE FREE NOW!

As a former Houstonian, I have been grieving with my friends and family that have lost everything to Hurricane Harvey.

As the flood waters rose last week, panicked friends posted pleas for help on social media with their addresses.

“Can someone please get word out to come get me and my children? This is my address.”
 “We have moved upstairs. The first floor is flooded and it’s still raining!”
“What do I do? Do I leave my dogs behind?”

I worried that it might be the last time I’d hear from some of them.

One family member lost long-time coworker Coach Jordan of Clear Creek High School – the school district I had lived in.

As I’ve sat high and dry in the Texas Hill Country while recovery efforts continue, I’ve asked myself over and over: “How can I make a difference?”

Then I realized that I can make a difference to the hurricane victims in Texas!

I’m offering proceeds from sales of the All-Access Pass for the Adoption HEART Conference to go toward hurricane relief.

WATCH ADOPTION HEART CONFERENCE  FREE NOW!

Not only can proceeds from this online event raise funds for hurricane victims, but this fundraiser can provide invaluable training for foster and adoptive parents!

Adoption HEART Conference

Over 20 sessions on topics important to foster and adoptive parents:

  • Adoption Options: Adoption from foster care, open adoption, international adoption.
  • The Impact of Trauma: Effect of various trauma on brain development, prenatal exposure, & attachment.
  • Growing Up Adopted: Adoptees share about growing up adopted with discussions on identity, race, & belonging.
  • Parenting Strategies: Discover effective strategies for difficult behaviors, such as lying, stealing, manipulation, defiance, etc.
  • What Adoptive/Foster Parents MUST Know: Healing your emotional baggage before adoption, secondary trauma, parental self-care, marriage health.
  • What Else You Can Do?: Discover innovative ways that you can help orphans, children/ youth in foster care, and adoptive families.

WATCH ADOPTION HEART CONFERENCE  FREE NOW!

Hurricane Relief Fundraiser GOAL: 100,000 training pants

Right now, displaced families have a huge need for disposable training underwear. Potty training is next to impossible in the overcrowded emergency shelters. Plus, children that are stressed out such as this may revert back to wetting themselves.

The Texas Diaper Bank is a 501 c3 nonprofit established in 1997 to provide diapers for families in crisis. They have set up a special fund going directly to Hurricane Harvey victims.

We’ve set a goal of 100,000 training pants to help these weary families!!!

HOW CAN YOU HELP WITH THIS FUNDRAISER?

Within minutes of posting, we reached 20% of our goal! Will you help?

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4 Questions to Ask When Early Childhood Trauma Causes Behavior Issues

Early childhood trauma can radically change the way a child’s brain experiences a situation. Trauma causes the brain to go survival mode which triggers the FEAR response (flight, fight, or freeze). When a traumatized child is in FEAR response, the brain shuts off the thinking part of the brain, and the child cannot think or even recall coping skills. The primitive part of the brain is about only one thing — SURVIVAL!

Logical thought processes can be hijacked by the FEAR response caused by early childhood trauma. Trauma has the unique ability to rewire the brain, and what may seem like ordinary simple everyday situations, can become huge triggers for children that have experienced early trauma.

A child may not even remember the neglect or abuse experienced, but magically, the body remembers. This buried, intrinsic memory can trigger the FEAR response.  FEAR hijacks the brain with a simple trigger that the child probably doesn’t understand or remember.

Recently, my child wanted me to buy him sunflower seeds after baseball practice. I knew he needed to eat a good meal so I just wanted to get him home for dinner. But hunger (even perceived hunger) is a huge trigger for children who have experienced early neglect or food insecurity. (You can read his heartbreaking story on infant neglect here.)

As the situation escalated, I tried to reason with my child, but he was becoming more irritated.  The sunflower seeds were not going to help with his hunger, plus he had a huge bag of sunflower seeds at home. I wanted to just get him home.

COMMON SENSE SAYS:

  • I have sunflower seeds at home
  • I can wait 20 minutes to get my sunflower seeds
  • It’s okay to just go home and get my sunflower seeds
  • Sunflower seeds won’t keep me from feeling hungry

But you can’t reason with a brain in fear response!

EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA SAYS:

  • If I don’t get sunflower seeds right now, I WILL STARVE TO DEATH!!!

I stopped the car at a park and let my son out to cool off and SWING (the repetitive motion of swinging is therapeutic and calming for the brain). As I was watching him and becoming more calm myself, I began asking questions.

4 QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA CAUSES MISBEHAVIOR

WHAT IS TRIGGERING THE BEHAVIOR?
My child hasn’t eaten dinner yet. (Read more about emotional triggers)
WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY CHILD’S BRAIN?
My child in FEAR response.
WHAT DOES HE NEED TO FEEL SAFE?
My child needs to know that I will meet his needs.
WHY AM I SAYING NO?
I am saying NO because of all the common sense reasons.

MEETING YOUR CHILD’S NEED & CALMING THE TRAUMATIZED BRAIN
In that moment, I had an epiphany and realized that I should give my child what he NEEDS – that is food security!!!  Therefore, my child has to know that I will meet his NEEDS so he won’t ever FEEL that he will go hungry again.  A child has to FEEL SAFE!!!

My child needed the sunflower seeds to feel safe and calm his brain! 

Parenting children from hard places is different than the way we were raised. You have to meet your traumatized child’s needs – even if it doesn’t seem like common sense.

(Read more on overcoming childhood fears)

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What Do You Do When Your Child Is Having a Meltdown?

How do you react when your child is having a meltdown?

Let’s say that for whatever reason, you have to say “no” to your child, your child can’t have something, or get their way about something, etc.

No matter how small the issue seems to be, your child starts having a meltdown.

In this scenario, how would you react when your child is having a meltdown?

  • Do you tell her that she’s not getting her way until she uses her words?
  • Do you try to ignore the tantrum (but inside your blood begins to boil)?
  • Do you send her to her room or calm-down spot until she calms down?
  • Do you try and bargain with her to bring her out of it?

I’m telling you honestly that I have tried all of these and none of them have worked with my traumatized children. But I’ve discovered something that does work.

I’ve become a peaceful, connected parent who is intently child-focused during these tantrums.

What this may look like: I come close to my child, showing empathy for their disappointment. I may pick up my child, put my child in my lap, begin rocking and let them cry it out in my arms. At first, my child may fight that closeness or try to demand their way. But I won’t talk about the issue at all until my child stops crying, and is calm.

What this may look like to others: “You are rewarding your child for a tantrum.”

I’m not giving in. I’m giving comfort to my hurting child.

child-having-a-meltdown

What others don’t realize is that when a child is having a meltdown, there is no negotiation, no “thinking about what you did” because a child simply can’t think during a tantrum. The child is in fear response and the thinking part of the brain is shut off by fear.

Only AFTER the tantrum, when the child is calm, do I revisit the issue, if needed.  Sometimes we don’t have to revisit the issue because my child may just have needed to know that I understand the disappointment that they are experiencing.

Becoming a peaceful parent has totally transformed my relationship with my traumatized child!

Tantrums are fewer and go away quicker.

My attachment-challenged child has become extremely loving and desires closeness. He is more compliant, and will help me out when I ask. He tells me he loves me.  He is happy!

What that has helped our family most is Dr. Laura Markham’s Peaceful Parent Happy Kids book.

Take a transformational journey to become peaceful, connected parents with Dr. Laura Markham’s book.

I’m Clever

Sway