Foster2Forever

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Why We Fought For Our Foster Child

Our foster child, Lil Bit, has a birth family that loves him.  Lil Bit wasn’t abused or neglected.  He had a family member that expressed interest in adopting him that had an approved home study.

Have you seen the movie Losing Isaiah? Click image to view the movie trailer.

So, why in the world would you steal this foster baby from his family?

We have been accused of this.  However, as his foster parents, we felt it was our duty to keep this baby SAFE.

Even if it was unpopular.

Even if the State was against us.

Even if the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA or GAL) was against us.

Even if the foster child’s Ad Litem Attorney was against us.

Even if it cost us thousands of dollars, which it did. (Thank goodness for the adoption tax credit!)

So , why did you go through all the hassle and expense to keep this foster baby?

Again, to keep this baby SAFE.

To back up, Lil Bit was taken away from his birth mother when she got into a physical altercation with her grandmother.

This violence occurred while birth mom was holding 3-month-old Lil Bit in her arms.

The grandmother (Lil Bit’s great-grandmother) threw the first punch at birth mom while she was holding the baby!

If that’s not bad enough, the grandmother pushed birth mom onto the bed and tried to physically take Lil Bit out of her arms!

They were playing tug-of-war with an infant!

After removal, Lil Bit’s great-aunt told the State that she would be willing to adopt him and went through the process of a home study, which their home passed.



So, if the foster baby could go live with a relative – why would you steal this baby from his family?

Simple answer:  There was one sentence in the great-aunt’s home study.  That one sentence made us want to fight to keep this baby and spend whatever it took:

The grandmother (that struck the birth mom) babysits the great-aunt’s kids after school and during the summer!

But the home study didn’t consider this. It should have!

Other factors in our decision included:

  • Prior investigation into the home;
  • Birthmother wanted her child to be raised in OUR family, instead of her own. (The largest reason)

Was the home study sufficient? Would you have fought the foster care system to keep this foster child?

UPDATE: In 2013, a horrific crime occurred against children in this birthfamily. We feel completely at peace with our decision to fight the system and keep our LilBit from becoming another victim of an unspeakable crime!

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Our Lil Bit Has a Newborn Baby Brother!

In foster care, one phone call can instantly change lives. If you follow Foster2Forever on Facebook and Twitter, you already know that we received that call yesterday.

We are so excited to be adopting Lil Bit tomorrow and are busy preparing for the big day. I was blindsided yesterday morning when I received a call from our caseworker.

“Lil Bit’s birthmom gave birth to a healthy, full-term baby boy that will be released from the hospital tomorrow. The State is giving you the first option for placement.”

WHOA!!! Gulp! A day before Lil Bit’s adoption! A newborn! Another boy! Another probable adoption! Wow! Overwhelming! A decision that can change a life to be made quickly!

I called FosterDad. His assistant answered. He was in a meeting.

“I need FosterDad to call me immediately!”

She was concerned at the tone of my voice. I assured her that everything was fine, and told her about the call. We both laughed and agreed that FosterDad was going to freak out.  She assured me that he would be sitting down when he called back, and I asked her to record his reaction.

His reaction was disbelief and just flat-out overwhelming shock.  I could hear his assistant cackling in the background.

We had a huge decision to make. I reached out to our Facebook friends – you are the best!  I was struggling until I read what Shawn wrote:

“Look back to your post on Nov 10th at 11:43 am.”

That post was related to our situation with Stinkpot’s care and read:

When feeling down and confused, blessings from above can make you soar above the clouds! Thank you, Lord, for your unexpected blessings!

I cried realizing that this baby was an unexpected blessing, and there was a reason for this call.  Thank you, Shawn!

THEN I RECEIVED ANOTHER PLACEMENT CALL!

A caseworker from Austin called later in the afternoon:

We are calling to inform you that STINKPOT‘s birthmother gave birth to a healthy baby boy, and we would like to place the newborn with you.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Both my boys become big brothers the same week!  TWO NEWBORNS???  TWO more boys??? Twins!!!

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Good thing I was laying down at the time. I AM ONE FREAKED OUT CHICK!

I stammered why I am laughing so uncontrollably.  Fortunately, this seasoned caseworker knew what was going on and promised to call right back.

His instinct was right – the message had gotten mixed up along the way and it was, in fact, Lil Bit’s birthmom that had given birth, not Stinkpot’s.  (I had thought she was in prison.)

A LIFE-CHANGING DECISION

We have a HUGE decision to make! FosterDad felt uneasy about adding the newborn baby to our family given Stinkpot’s current adjustment issues.  I felt uneasy about saying no to this newborn baby when we fought so hard to keep Lil Bit.

I needed to talk to the baby’s caseworker.

She called last night, and I shared our concerns and how much we are struggling with the decision. She understood. Apparently, the State has no other homes lined up for this baby.

My first concern has to be with Stinkpot, and that right now adding a baby may shake up his world  more than he can handle right now at this moment.

I asked to be kept informed of the case.  I feel sick for saying no.

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Open Adoption in Foster Care: Is It Safe?

Open adoptions in foster care are a rarity.  However, the adoption of our Lil Bit is semi-open. We have an agreement in place where in May every year, we will send photos and an update letter to the birth mother.  The birth mother in return, can request a visit in August with 30 days written notice.

Last month, when I asked about what to include when writing an update letter to the birth mother, there were a number of readers that had some great insight and experience. Please go back and read the comments – great suggestions!

One commenter did bring up the loss that a child has in not seeing their birth family until age 18.  I do agree that it is sad; however, every situation is unique.  I do believe that sometimes it is in a child’s best interest to NOT see birth family until they are an adult and old enough to handle what they might discover about their birth family and how contact could affect them.  This is the case with our Stinkpot.

Stinkpot’s birth family is extremely violent.  Scary violent.  A sibling was miscarried after the birth father kicked the mother in the abdomen.   They’ve put out their cigarettes in each others faces. It’s a vicious, crazy cycle of domestic violence.  And top that off with the drug use.

The violent nature came from somewhere. In the reports we’ve received on Stinkpot’s family, even a grandparent got involved a verbal altercation with the State agency about “harassing” the birth parent.  This is a grandparent that is currently raising Stinkpot’s sibling!  My fear is that his sibling will also become a violent adult.  Stinkpot certainly has that genetic disposition, and we take him to counseling to help us deal with it appropriately.

Last year, we had a prowler outside our home late one night. Our first thoughts were that Stinkpot’s birth parents found us and were scoping out our home. We later saw bio-mom & dad on the news for a violent crime.  Stinkpot’s birth parents are now in prison (where they belong).

The birth family wants contact with Stinkpot and have contacted the State about a visit and have even tried to search for us.  We do not want contact with this family.  It scares us!

I believe the grandparents could have negotiated a settlement with the State for limited contact if they would have known that they could.  I am sad that Stinkpot has grandparents that love him that he will not see.  I am sad that Stinkpot has a biological brother that he favors that he can’t play with as he grows up.

However, as his parents, we do believe that it is in Stinkpot’s best interest that he not have contact with his birth family until he is an adult, and then, only if he wants contact.

What situations do you believe that contact with birth family should not occur?

Entered in this week's I Heart Faces "whimsical" photo challenge

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A Foster Child’s Grief

“This isn’t happening to me!  I can’t believe it! My mom wouldn’t just give me away. She loves me. But why would she choose HIM over me, after what he did to us? I can’t believe she would choose HIM! She didn’t even say goodbye. Why would she sign me away right before my birthday? I hate her! Maybe if I would’ve been better she wouldn’t have chose to stay with HIM and she would have wanted me. I should have been better. I shouldn’t have talked back to her. It’s all my fault! I wish I were dead.”
Free Overexposed Faux Vintage Film Scared Crying Child Creative Commons
The above statement is only loosely based on the story of one of our foster children.  Some of these statements I heard at different times while she was in our home. A child going through the grief of losing her birth family.

A foster child may experience a very real grief – a grief much like grief experienced when a loved one dies. The saddest part is that many foster children don’t move through the stages of grief to final acceptance.

Denial – Usually is a short phase of grief until reality sets in; however, due to the deceit she experienced with her birth family, our foster child could never really trust that what happened: truly did happen.  Some foster children can have such serious issues of trust, that they can stay in this stage, literally  denying everything in their life and blaming others for their circumstances. Is this why some cannot take responsibility for their actions?

Anger – How many foster children get stuck in this stage?

Bargaining – “If only I were a good kid, this wouldn’t happen.” “If only, I would have…” Sadly this stage brings about feelings of guilt which moves to the next stage.

Depression – How many foster children are taking some sort of anti-depressant to deal with their losses? How many are stuck in this stage?

Acceptance – Sadly our foster child could never really accept her loss. Foster families were “fake families” and she was simply waiting for her 18th birthday to run back to her real family. How many of our youth in foster care have accepted their loss and moved on?

What is your experience with foster children and stages of grief?

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Our Foster Baby is Officially an Orphan!!!

Hearts (Explored!)The birth father’s rights were terminated in court today! We will be able to adopt our 18-month-old foster baby, Lil Bit, as soon as his citizenship is certified.

My morning started with a call that my mom was in serious condition at the hospital with heart problems.  Here are my Facebook status updates:

  • On the way to termination hearing & just learned that my mom is in serious condition at the hospital 4 hrs away. #needprayer
  • Our foster baby is officially an orphan so we can finally adopt him!!!
    (After he becomes a US citizen, that is.)
  • Mom is still in the hospital with heart problems. Docs are giving shock treatments to get it beating right.
  • Mom is not getting better. Blood pressure dropped drastically today. Scheduled for heart procedure tomorrow. She doesn’t want me to go there

I am being the always defiant daughter and not minding her! I will be out-of-town for the next few days…

You can keep up on Facebook or Twitter…

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The Case of the Missing Birth Father

What do you do when a birth parent can’t be found? Can their parental rights automatically be terminated?

Lil Bit’s birth father is missing. All we know is that he is somewhere in Mexico. The State has been working with the Mexican consulate to locate the father; however, the dad has a fairly common name. For example, imagine trying to find an “Eduardo Hernandez” somewhere in Mexico.

Gavel

Photo courtesy of walknboston on Flickr

Termination of parental rights is scheduled for next week; however, the baby’s ad litem attorney is concerned.  Last week, she called a special hearing in order to discuss this matter with the judge.  After making numerous changes to our family’s schedules, I was able to make it to the hearing.

Our less-expensive attorney (at only $200 per hour) is waiting as I walk up to the courthouse.

“Bad news. The docket is overflowing from this morning and there is no telling how long it will be before this case goes before the judge.”

Oh great! ($200 times all afternoon equals a butt-load of money!!!)

We go inside and take a seat in the courtroom. Strangely, the judge comes out and as everyone is standing, he says, “No, no, you can remain sitting.” At this point, my attorney excuses himself.

A few minutes later, as others are squeezing into the bench beside me, our attorney comes up to me and nudges me to follow him outside.

After making our way out the door into the hall, he tells me that he and the ad litem had already met with the judge in his chambers.  Apparently, the judge addressed the ad litem’s concerns by appointing an attorney to represent the birth father’s interests – an attorney to represent the birth father’s empty chair at the termination hearing still scheduled for next week.

Let’s hope this new attorney doesn’t request a continuance….

Thanks to Danni for the support. She is currently enrolled in online social work courses and spends her free time as a nanny and volunteer at the
local food bank.

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6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

open-adoption-in-foster-care

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark).  I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now!  My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues.  We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything!  If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

Foster Care Open Adoption **Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness.  These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort).  Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart.  As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones.  As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary.  These children have been hurt once before.  Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears.  On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)!  After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings.  They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse.  Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long.  Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen.  NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state.  I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child.  After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother.  Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness.  Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.)  When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him.  (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship?  Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable!  Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level!   Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet.  Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them.  A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free.  It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids.  I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using…   Educate yourselves!  And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!!  Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations.  It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you.  Be honest in your dealings!  Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are.  They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!!  I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members.  Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us.  The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family.  They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time…  Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her.  Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children.  Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception.  Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries.  Some of our boundaries include:

  • No babysitting!
  • She is never alone with the girls.  We always do “family activities”.
  • No showing up without an invitation.
  • No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same!  If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place.  If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over.  If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them!  Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable.  Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all.  If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment.  If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children.  If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth.  Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back  in the situation where they originated from.  DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement!  Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option.  Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no.  (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!)   Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive.  Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship.  Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open.  Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact.  As parents, do what works best for your family!!  This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us.  We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much.  She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

Foster Care Open Adoption“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.”  Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another.  As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.

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Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
What a handsome little man he has become!
foster infant child kid adopting adopted
As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
Have a great weekend!

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Am I Harboring an Illegal Immigrant?

Living in Texas, illegal immigration is a HUGE controversial topic. Especially, since April when Arizona passed their stringent illegal immigration law. With a third of the Texas population being Hispanic, our Tex-Mex culture inundates us here. So much, that we don’t really think much about whether someone is here legally or not.

How does illegal immigration affect us personally?
Our 17-month-old foster baby, Lil Bit, was born in Mexico and brought back to Texas by his birthmother.

WHY? Because the State has removed so many children from the birthmother, she cannot give birth in this area without the hospitals contacting the State for removal. Before giving birth, the birthmother (a U.S. citizen) fled to Mexico with the Mexican birthfather and gave birth to our Lil Bit in Mexico. So, Lil Bit is “officially” recognized as a Mexican citizen with a Mexican birth certificate.

MexicoThis does complicate matters in that he is not considered a U.S. citizen.  (Dual citizenship has recently become discouraged by U.S. policy.)

The birthmother has voluntarily relinquished her parental rights; however, the State has to also remove the birthfather’s parental rights before Lil Bit will be officially available for adoption.

The problem is that the birthfather is somewhere in Mexico and must be given notice before the State can legally terminate his rights. Another problem is that the mentally-challenged birthmother cannot remember where he lives. So the Mexican consulate is now trying to locate a man with a fairly common Hispanic name somewhere in Mexico.

Another court date is scheduled for next month. We anticipate that the birthfather’s parental rights will be terminated at this hearing. Then Lil Bit will officially be an orphan and available for adoption.

Because Lil Bit is not “officially” a U.S. citizen, this will make our eventual adoption of him quite a bit more complicated — more like an international adoption. Although, he is considered a Mexican national without a green card, the State does have custody of him; thus, our Lil Bit will NOT be deported. Whew!

The State is currently working on his application for U.S. citizenship.

Who knows when the courts will “officially” name Lil Bit as our son – what we know is that Lil Bit already IS our son!

I’m Clever

Sway