Foster2Forever

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DISCOVERING INFERTILITY

Does adoption cure infertility?
During the month of that incredible virgin birth, I will be taking you along the journey I have been traveling for the last few years – my journey of infertility.  

In November of 2006, after discovering my husband’s infertility (and soon thereafter my own), 
I was filled with doubt – about my choices, my marriage, my life in general.  

Below is the entry in my journal from that emotional time. It is full of questions and doubt, and gives a glimpse into my emotional state at that time …

What am I doing? I have no idea!

I feel lost in a sea of confusion and I’m drowning quickly! The diversity of my emotions is overwhelming at times.  My sadness, anger, grief and loneliness follows me and, without notice, jumps from behind and overtakes me. 

My inclination is to run as I did as a child.  
But, where will I go and what will I do? 
I would be running away from reminders of bad feelings, instead of running to something. 
But would I be able to really get away from these reminders or would other reminders take their place? 
How can I break this cycle?

I love my husband with all my heart and I know that I will never be able to experience LOVE this wonderful, this emotional, and this pure, ever again. This is once in a lifetime LOVE!
What would’ve happened had I walked away? 
I’d still be in Houston 
– same job 
– same routine (with a few trips mixed in), 
but still searching for that soul mate 
– feeling all but dead inside.

I’m glad I left that life, 
and I really don’t want to return to that phase (of singleness) in my life.
I’m in a new phase of my life, 
yet I still feel that I missed the boat somewhere. 

As I approach 42 years of age, I realize that I probably will never have a baby of my own to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. 
And if I do, the chances increase every single month that the child will have genetic malformations.  
Would I be prepared to handle the challenges that a special needs child brings?
Can I feel whole without a child?
Will I live in a state of constant regret?

But, will a normal, healthy baby that fulfills that desire, help calm the turbulent waters of my emotions?

That entry was from 4 years ago. My life has changed drastically, as I now have 2 toddler boys that keep me on my toes…
Did adoption cure my infertility? I’ll delve more into those emotions this month.

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Worship and Praise Sunday – Live Out Loud

Today is Sunday: a day to worship and praise Him! I’m joining Infertile Myrtle today, who like me, deals with infertility and moving on…

Although we adopted Stinkpot a year ago next Thursday, I still deal with a sense of loss from our inability to conceive; however, with 2 little ones – I’m too busy to think about it much…

Stinkpot’s adoption has been such a blessing in my life! One of my “formerly single” friends in Houston just adopted a beautiful little Korean baby this week! Because of cost, we never really considered international adoption; however, Steven Curtis Chapman has created Show Hope to aid families with the cost of international adoption.

Here is his song, “Live Out Loud” – the first song of his that made me a fan of SCC! Enjoy!

Imagine this…I get a phone call from Regis
He says, “Do you want to be a millionaire?”
They put me on the show and I win with two lifelines to spare
Now picture this…I act like nothing ever happened
And bury all the money in a coffee can
Well, I’ve been given more than Regis ever gave away
I was a dead man who was called to come out of my grave
And I think it’s time for makin’ some noise

Wake the neighbors, get the word out
Come on…crank up the music…climb a mountain and shout
This is life we’ve been given made to be lived out
So la la la la live out loud
Live out loud, yeah

Think about this…try to keep a bird from singing
After it’s soared up in the sky
Give the sun a cloudless day and tell it not to shine
Now think about this…if we really have been given
The gift of a life that will never end
And if we have been filled with living hope we’re gonna overflow
And if God’s love is burning in our hearts we’re gonna glow
There’s just no way to keep it in

Everybody, come on
La la la…la la la la
La la la live out loud
I want to hear everybody sing
La la la…la la la la
La la la live out loud, loud, loud

I’m Clever

Sway