Foster2Forever

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Using Do-Overs as Discipline?

Confession: I am the mother of a defiant, demanding, strong-willed child! I’m starting to believe “Misbehavior” might be his middle name. 🙂

My 5-year-old son, already a know-it-all, is 5 years old going on 15. What an attitude! (One doctor has diagnosed him with Reactive Attachment Disorder) And it’s with this child that I feel the most insecure about my parenting skills.

I certainly don’t want to punish him all the time for his constant misbehavior.  In just a short time, I can quickly take away every single privilege that this stubborn child has – with no real benefit.  His defiant behavior doesn’t change! And through all this misbehavior, I seem to be just punishing myself.


Enter the “Do-Over” – a concept originally introduced to me through his play therapist last year.

However, now that I’m currently reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Dr. Karyn Purvis, the “do-over” is emphasized and explained in more detail.

The “IDEAL” Approach to handle misbehavior discussed in the book is:

I – Immediate response;

D – Directly respond to the child, making eye contact;

E – Efficiently use words and firmness;

A – Action-based “do-overs”;

L – Level your response to the behavior, not the child.

When my defiant child demands or says something ugly, a do-over has become such an effective tool to teach him the correct way to act or respond.

“Let’s try that again.” – “What’s another way to say that?” – “How can we do that differently?”

Through this method, my son is actively learning how to act appropriately in the world! A skill that, sadly, many foster children just haven’t learned due to their rough beginnings.

It’s just like learning any other skill – riding a bicycle, playing a musical instrument, making a basketball goal – practice, practice, practice!

Get the CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT PROGRAM: The Step-By-Step Process To Effectively Manage Behavior  –> Click HERE to learn more.

 

 

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Tantrums Don’t Take Vacation

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We had a fabulous time on our Disney cruise out of Galveston! It was such a joy to see my kids enjoy Rum Point Beach on Grand Cayman as I had just 8 years before.

However, even with all the fun we still had to occasionally have to deal with a tantrum, approximately one per day.

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Even the captain’s staff got involved!

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However, I did notice that each tantrum was before mealtime. So the last few days, when JD was having a meltdown, I gave him a small piece of candy.

Viola! Tantrum over!!!

He has a doctor appointment next week to check his blood sugar.

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My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Roll Student

I’m proud of our 5-year-old RADish, Stinkpot! He has done such a good job of keeping his temper in check at school. However, last week, I had to travel out-of-town on business for two nights. My absence didn’t go well for him.

On Monday night I wasn’t able to keep in touch, then Tuesday night, I finally figured out how to video chat around 6:30 pm. But it was too late! By that time, Stinkpot had already raged, and fallen asleep!

Aching for my child, I rushed back home Wednesday to pick him up from school, but it was too late!

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I rushed inside and while I was hugging and holding my stinky boy, his teacher approached, unhappy…

“He punched a friend on the playground! I gave him a warning, and then he went and punched another child. He said he did it just because.“

She was obviously surprised at his behavior. With me being gone, and him having such a bad evening at home, I’m not.

He made it seven weeks!

How long can your child be on best behavior?

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What is Your Child Afraid Of? 6 Tips for Overcoming a Child’s Fear

“Come watch me!”

The 5-year-old had an incredible fear of being alone – to the point where he wanted me to watch him poop. He wouldn’t let me be in the next room. I had to be right there – watching (and smelling). And if I didn’t respond immediately, he would throw a fit!

This would get annoying – He was in Kindergarten – 5-year-olds can go to the bathroom by themselves at this age!

But then I remember his history: Brought to us at 8-months-old. Very ill and congested. A diaper rash the size of the diaper. Unable to even roll over. And screaming if I left his sight or if a door was simply closed in the room. (My baby was seriously neglected, constantly being left in a car seat in another room by himself during drug binges.)

I have been reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family.

I’m now on Chapter 4 (“Disarming the Fear Response with Felt Safety”) which details the many ways to help a child feel safe.  This chapter had an overwhelming number of tips and techniques on creating an environment of “felt safety” especially in regard to schedules and avoiding tantrums – the best chapter so far.

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As far as a child’s fear of being alone, I found these:

6 Tips to Overcome Fear in Children

  1. Be approachable – Getting down and talking at a child’s level can help build trust so that a child can share what’s really going on with them
  2. Honor your child’s emotions – As tempting as it is, a parent should never tell a child that “A Kindergartner should go to the bathroom without Mommy having to watch.”  A child has a fear that a parent should acknowledge.
  3. Be responsive to your child’s need for assurance – Always send the message to your child that you understand how he feels and that he is safe.
  4. Give choices – This helps a child feel empowered with their situation. “Do you want stand or sit when you potty?“
  5. Help your child through the challenge of overcoming his fear – I went to the bathroom with this child for months.  I would challenge him by standing by the doorway to the bathroom where he could see my arm. One day, he just went to the bathroom alone because he knew I was in the next room. Yeah!
  6. Praise accomplishment – “Wow! Look at you! I stood outside with my arm in the door! You are getting so big!“

What is your child afraid of? How do you help your child overcome their fears?

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Why This Meltdown? Identifying Emotional Triggers

Does your child randomly throw a tantrum for no reason? There could possibly be big reason for the tantrum…

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For those of you who follow on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter, you may have read this update–

What was the trigger for this emotional outburst?

The 5-year-old who had been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, had had a GREAT morning! We rewarded him with choosing where we would have lunch after church. He decided he wanted to have lunch at “Bo King” – Great!  Hubs ordered our lunch when the child decided he wanted some Cinnabon rolls.

FosterDad’s reply: “After you finish lunch.”

And then the tantrum started! There was not a “NO” said to the little tyke. But, regardless, he fell to the floor immediately, in full-tantrum mode.

Anything we said to him, only agitated him more. So we left him there. In the order line at Burger King.  With other customers stepping over him.

Anytime I went to check on him, it only inflamed him more – to the point where he was kicking the display signs. So I left him there.

The rest of the family was in the play area eating. Then after a few minutes, he began peeking to see what we were doing. Eating. That’s what we were doing. Not paying attention to him.

Then he stands up, one hand on the napkin dispenser, daring me to notice him, so he could pull out all the napkins and throw them on the floor.  I moved to where he couldn’t see me.

A few minutes later, he peeked into the play area.  My response:

“Oh boy, you look hungry! Is my little boy hungry?”

He then hopped into my lap and enthusiastically ate his lunch!!! MY SON WAS HUNGRY!!! (Low blood sugar can trigger the fear response in a neglected child)

I did acknowledge his poor behavior by discussing it while rubbing his back. “Does throwing a fit get your way? No? Let’s try harder next time!”

Afterward we had the best Sunday afternoon at home as a family in a month!

I’m currently reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family (are you reading along with me?).

I’m now on Chapter 3 (“Solving the Puzzle of Difficult Behavior”) which discusses how a child’s emotional trauma and difficult background can trigger difficult behaviors in everyday situations.

The Takeaways About Emotional Triggers:

  • Keep a journal of your child’s daily activities and behaviors to try to decipher the emotional triggers
  • Learn everything you can about a child’s background and trauma, i.e. sexual abuse, prenatal drug or alcohol exposure, neglect
  • Watch for patterns (i.e. transitioning from one activity to the next)
  • Be alert to any triggers that may cause your child to lose control of their emotions.

Read the shocking truth about how I discovered the trigger behind this child’s outbursts.

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I’m Treating my Kindergartner Like a Baby – And It’s Working

For those of you with children that may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or other attachment issues, you can understand the disruption it causes in your family. The sheer exhaustion of it all.

Many times I am overwhelmed by the reaction that my child has sometimes. And nothing seems to work. However, after so many of you recommended it, I finally began reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive familyby Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU.  (Read about Feeling Hopeless from Chapter 1. Are you reading along?)

Chapter 2 of The Connected Child is “Where Your Child Began” and describes all the sensory input your adopted child may have missed to be able to form normal attachments in life. Chapter 2 of the companion study guide, Created to Connect, focuses on feeling compassion for your child.  I do feel compassion for my child – I love him – but sometimes when he turns into possessed devil-child, I just want to lay down the strict law to get his little butt to straighten up!

However, there was one small sentence in the book that hit me: “Your job, as parents, is to help these children get what they missed…” Then the study guide expanded on this concept about “Returning to the Beginning” discussing how children may actually be required to “go backwards” in order to move forward. When I read the illustration about the older adoptee wanting hot tea with her mom many times a day and her mom’s comparison to bottles and sippy cups, it struck a chord with me.

Although we received our child as an 8-month-old foster baby, do we need to somehow go backward and makeup for those first 8 months of neglect?

One night, our child had another horrible episode. He wanted to go outside and play football but was refusing to eat supper. He even attempted to throw his plate across the room. FosterDad was clearly in discipline mode.  I intervened with another approach.

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As I scooped my little one up in my lap, he first fought me, but in a soft baby-toned voice, I began saying: “Oh! My little baby needs to eat supper, but this food is for big kids. Let’s mash this up and put a bib on this baby! Oh, here’s a bite. Open wide, baby…”

Would you believe, he began playing like he was a baby and anxiously took bite after bite until he was done?  Then he got down and went outside to throw the football with Daddy.

Whoa! Crazy, huh? But it worked!

Then the next night again, he was throwing a fit about wanting some candy, but we had Pediasure for him to drink. I picked up the squirt bottle it was in, acting like it was a bottle, and put my child in my lap in the rocking chair. “Oh, look at this baby needing his bottle!”  He drank it quickly and the evening went well after all that drama.

This is nuts! But it’s working!

Now, I don’t want my child ruling the roost, so to speak, but by “going backwards”, he is getting something that he missed, and we, as parents, are getting him to mind (in a weird kind of way).  Is this approach the right approach?  Who knows?

There will be someone that will criticize me for “giving in” to his fits, but it’s working right now for our family right now.

Hopefully, I won’t be picking him up and treating him like a baby when he’s a teenager – THAT would be awkward!

Are you reading The Connected Child along with me? What may your child have missed? How can you go backwards to help heal your child?

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Feeling Hopeless

Hopeless (noun) – Having no hope; despairing; bleak; incurable; impossible.

That same emotion that overwhelmed me during our journey through infertility.

But now I have that child I dreamed of!

That child that was conceived in November 2006 as the fertility doctor told us our prognosis.

That child that was in God’s plan all along.

That child that was placed in my arms on March 4, 2008, and smiled at me.

That child that became my forever son in August 2oo9.

My dream of motherhood came true!  How in the world can I feel hopeless? Do I even have that right?

During my short parenting journey with 5-year-old Stinkpot, there have been numerous times when I’ve wept and cried out, “God, please help my little boy!”

I’ve felt hopeless when he would have HUGE meltdowns that would last an hour and nothing I could do would comfort him.

I’ve felt hopeless that after taking him off of allergy medicines known to cause aggression – that he would still have these meltdowns.

I’ve felt hopeless when his daycare called at noon one day (after numerous days of meltdowns) and asked me to pick him up and told me that they wouldn’t care for him anymore and to find another daycare.

I’ve felt hopeless when his second daycare called at noon one day after only three weeks to pick him up and told us to find another daycare.

I’ve felt hopeless when his third daycare called before noon because he was having a meltdown – they called his meltdown state a “possession.” He lasted eight weeks at his third daycare.

I’ve felt hopeless that he couldn’t handle his third daycare, even after being prescribed medications by a psychiatrist.

I’ve felt hopeless that even now he still has major meltdowns that last over an hour (yesterday because we didn’t go out to eat a lunch buffet).

Will my little boy ever be able to overcome his neglected past and handle rejection and disappointment appropriately?

This is my fear as my little boy grows up.

After reading Chapter 1 of The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family and especially the study guide, Created to Connect, I realized that I have to shift my focus from his meltdowns to my child as a whole.  These meltdowns are not who my child is. The meltdowns are the feelings of rejection that overwhelm him. He doesn’t understand the emotions and can’t control them.

As I look at my “whole child”, I see an incredibly bright, athletic, and determined gorgeous little boy!

That determination will be the death of me as a parent! However, that incredible determination will keep him motivated to complete whatever goals he sets in life.

This is what I need to remember to keep my grip on hope! (And also that he is only five years old.)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

My child has a future full of hope!

What challenges have you faced in parenting your foster children? What are the beautiful qualities in your child that you might overlook during the challenging times?

UPDATE: We discovered that my son suffers from hypoglycemia – his tantrums were caused by hunger that he was unable to express. Hallelujah! {Don’t give up hope for the answer!}

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How a Drug Made My World More Colorful

Our 3-1/2-year-old was out-of-control. He had been kicked out of THREE daycares for explosive behavior. I had to take family leave from my career to stay at home with my emotional disturbed little boy.

My heart was breaking!  We finally made the difficult decision to see a pediatric psychiatrist. Maybe this is the help we need. On the day of his appointment, he was running through waiting room in his underwear – just screaming.

The doctor prescribed Tenex to help calm him down. His explanation is that it was the most conservative treatment to begin with.

Our son adjusted well to new medication after a period of adjustment; however, after nearly two years, and with the beginning of all-day Kindergarten last month, the doctor decided it was time to try a stimulant for his ADHD behavior.

I was hesitant to begin giving my 5-year-old little boy a psychotropic medication. However, after a month on the ADHD stimulant, Vyvanse, it appears that he sees the world in a whole new way.

Check out the top photo of Spiderman – brown scribbles is how our little boy colored before.

And then all of a sudden, as if Dorothy opened the door from her home into the colorful land of Oz:

Our son’s mind has now been opened to the world of color. Even monkeys and mice are a RAINBOW OF COLOR!!!

AND…

our son has had twelve days of perfect behavior at school!!!

I am giddy, happy, thrilled with the transformation of my little boy!!!

Vyvanse is a stimulant – amphetamine – so it is highly regulated. Every month, we have to travel to the psychiatrist to pick up a written prescription to be filled within seven days.

The best quality of the Vyvanse: slow time-release – it doesn’t give the feeling of euphoria that other stimulants do so it doesn’t have the same addictive effect.

Noticeable Side Effects (besides a colorful world):

  • Our son doesn’t take naps anymore.  Good in that there is no more naptime for Kindergarteners; however, sometimes he can get quite grumpy in the late afternoon without a nap. (But when I say: “Oh, it looks like you’re grumpy since you didn’t have a nap” – he straightens up immediately, afraid he will have to take a nap)
  • Our son has a severely decreased appetite. He won’t eat breakfast, and will eat only 2 bites of his lunch. He will eat during school snack time (but that’s not enough of the food we want him to eat).  He will then eat a late lunch after school but then won’t be hungry for supper. Frustrating!!!

But even given these side effects, we are thrilled with Vyvanse (so far) and the transformation of our little boy!

Disclaimer: This is our personal experience with Vyvanse, and you should not take our experience as advice from a physician. I am not a doctor, and haven’t even played one on TV! I was not compensated for this review because the makers of Vyvanse don’t know we exist, and we paid the out-of-pocket deductible for the prescription Vyvanse ourselves.

What has been your experience with Vyvanse or other stimulants as treatment for ADHD?

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Why Back to School Frightens Me

It’s time for BACK TO SCHOOL!!!  And I am anxious – more than a child, I believe. You see, our strong-willed RADish begins Kindergarten soon.

Back to School time is probably not a big deal to most moms – except that sadness to see your little baby walking into big school for the first time.

But this year, for me, Back to School time brings on anxiety and worry about how my little boy (with emotional needs that are tough to understand) is going to handle the pressures of school.

He was kicked out of three day cares for behavior issues. (Yes – Three!!!)  Last year, when he was kicked out of the third day care, we enrolled him in half-day Pre-K while FosterDad and I took turns using FMLA to care for him.

School for only half the day was a good thing for him. He still had a few bad days, but for the most part, a good transition for him. When asked how was school that day, he would reply:

“No time out. No trip to the principal’s office. It was a Good Day!“

However, our child is enrolled in full-day Kindergarten for this upcoming school year.

Lately, especially after having 3 foster children in our home for a few weeks, he has been regressing. Last weekend, for FosterDad’s birthday, we attempted overnight respite. He raged for HOURS after I left him with the caregiver. (He won’t be going back there!)

Is our child ready for BACK TO SCHOOL?

I don’t know! But our backup plan is that if our child isn’t ready for full-day Kindergarten — he can just repeat Pre-K!

Pros:

  • He just turned 5 so a late birthday won’t matter much – He is currently at the 5th percentile for height & hopefully wouldn’t be the smallest in the class
  • He knows the teachers and the teachers know him
  • FosterDad is now retired so he can care for our son half the day

Cons:

  • He is bright so repeating will bore him –
  • With a late birthday for a small boy obsessed with sports, we want hold him back one year but hoping it would be Kindergarten where he would have a stronger curriculum.

We are praying that our child adjusts well this school year.

What are your fears or anxieties about Back to School?

UPDATE: My son had a fabulous year with only one incidence of misbehavior!!!

I’m Clever

Sway