Foster2Forever

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When Your Child Acts Out: Benefits of Play Therapy

 

Just when I was thinking that I had this parenting thing down, a week such as this occurs.  Our 4-year-old Stinkpot is a strong-willed little tyke and will quickly throw a fit to get his way.  Last year, he was thrown out of 2 daycares, and now, may be on his way to number 3.

Yesterday morning Stinkpot had a major meltdown at school. Growling, kicking, hitting, and spitting at the teacher. He was even biting himself! We’ve gone nearly a year without this type of incident.

The teachers are sympathetic, but shocked at his behavior. “He’s been corrected before and even had time-outs, and he’s never reacted like this before.”

I took off work and stayed home with him.  He was grouchier than usual, and growling.  I allowed him to take a long nap, and last night, the family had dinner at Burger King to allow him to “play out his energy.”

Here is the interesting part — This is the story he acted out in play therapy this morning:

Bad guys were taking babies, and Daddy and Mommy couldn’t fight off the bad guys. Luckily, after lots of fighting, the policemen and Batman eventually got the babies back! The story ended with Mommy, Daddy, Batman and Spiderman driving away with the babies.

A removal story as told through a child’s play! And what a happy ending!

It appears that the investigation into our foster boy Lil Bit’s broken arm is causing some deep fears in our Stinkpot due to his trauma in early life.

As we were leaving, I told Stinkpot that Lil Bit would be staying with us forever.  His reply was:

What about me?

I told him that he will always be with us forever.  He began questioning me, “Even when I’m bad?”

“Even when you do bad things. We love you and you are with us forever.”

Our job is to affirm our Stinkpot that he will be with us forever!

Fortunately, we meet with the adoption worker this weekend to begin the adoption process to become a forever family!

What ways do you affirm to your children that they will be with you forever?

___________

The giveaway winner of the Dinosaur Train Spooky Scavenger Hunt book from PBS Kids is:

Your Winner

(confirmed)

Author: amy deeter Comment: permalinki follow you on twitter

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Night Terrors in Foster Children

A traumatic accident occurred last month that resulted in a friend drowning while vacationing in Tahiti. His funeral, 2 weeks later, was emotional for me and his numerous friends.

We traveled to Houston for the funeral, but before going home, we took a family outing to the Kemah Boardwalk, a restaurant smorgasbord accompanied by a small amusement park. After a sad event, I needed to see the smiles of my children.

At one point, with his petite hand outstretched with a small cracker, Stinkpot intently attempted to get close enough to a bird to feed it. When suddenly, in a flash, a seagull swooped down from above and snatched the cracker from our little boy’s hand, startling him. Stinkpot joined in our laughter.

After hours of fun, our Stinkpot quickly fell to sleep on the ride home. Then, after sleeping for 30 minutes, suddenly, he jerked awake as he yelled out, “Get away, birds!!!” Unbeknownst to us, our little boy had been traumatized!

Fortunately, Stinkpot didn’t have any other nightmares.

Night Terrors and our Foster Child

This wasn’t the case for our Blondie.  At 2 years old, she was excessively clingy and seemed to suffer from separation anxiety.  The first night was the worst with the wailing cries wanting someone she knew.  I wish I could say that it got better over the 3 months she stayed with us. It didn’t.

Each night after putting her to bed, before midnight, we heard her. Crying and screaming, running through the house, waking everyone. This occurred every single night. For three months!

foster-child-night-terrors

Symptoms of Night Terrors

Blondie exhibited the typical symptoms of night terrors. According to Dr. Alan Greene, night terrors can occur in up to 15% of toddlers and preschoolers and are different than nightmares. Symptoms include:

  • Screaming
  • Crying
  • Appearing to be awake
  • Running through the house disoriented
  • Occurs during the first 90 minutes of sleep

Coping with Night Terrors

  • Don’t awaken the child
  • Rock and hold the child to comfort
  • Say encouraging words such as: “I’m here.” and “You’re safe.”

Preventing Night Terrors

  • Ensure that your child is getting enough sleep
  • Maintain a consistent, calming bedtime routine
  • Note the time night terrors usually begin and wake the child a few minutes before
  • Keep a diary to see if you can determine a particular “trigger”

Sadly, I didn’t know about the techniques you can use to help prevent the night terrors.

Have you ever had a foster child that experienced night terrors???  What did you do?

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Oh, What a {Mother’s} Day!!!

Our 3-year-old son, Stinkpot, made yesterday a difficult day.  He simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed – at 3 in the morning!!! He burst into our room screaming at me, “You left me alone! You left me alone!”

“Come here, Stinkpot.”

“NO! Go back to my room!’

He was inconsolable! Screaming and flailing on the floor.

Maybe it was a mistake on our part, but to encourage him to stay in his bed all night, the “Bed Fairy” brings candy if he wakes up in his bed in the morning.

WOW! He was NOT going to be anywhere but in his bed in the morning.

FosterDad took him back to his room and comforted him back to sleep. When Stinkpot woke again at 8 a.m., he seemed to be in a better mood…

But wait! There’s more!

After breakfast, he began a morning tirade, that kept us from attending church. (why risk him going off on his classmates?)

He finally took a morning nap, and the day went better.

When we were able to go to lunch, I made the decision again this year that I wanted my Mother’s Day lunch to be enjoyable so……

Enjoying Chuck E. Cheese. Isn't the baby getting big?

WE WENT TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!! Again this year.

(You MUST read about how FosterDad was upset at me last year for choosing Chuck E. Cheese for my Mother’s Day lunch)

It’s becoming a tradition.

How was your Mother’s Day????

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The Worst Home Visit Ever

Tuesday was just one of those days.  Our family was still very tired from traveling throughout the state of Texas for the Easter holiday weekend.  Last week, our foster home licensing caseworker had to reschedule her quarterly visit for this Tuesday.  When I agreed to Tuesday, I didn’t check my calendar, and the exterminator would be there too. I didn’t think too much of it since he would be doing his own thing…

However, that afternoon, I received a call from our foster baby’s caseworker, who also wanted a last visit with Lil Bit before his case was transferred to the State’s adoption unit. I told her that our caseworker was coming that afternoon. She said, “Great! I’ll see you this afternoon.”

So at 4:00 p.m., the exterminator knocks on the door. No problem….except…earlier in the day, I accidentally gave our hyperactive 3-year-old, Stinkpot, an antihistamine, which can make him a bit excitable and aggressive. OOPS!

Stinkpot was driving the “BugMan” cRaZy – following him around, asking a million questions, and talking, talking, talking. Poor man was just trying to kill a few bugs.

Then, ding! dong! 4:30 the doorbell rings and Lil Bit’s caseworker is there. As we walk in, my husband arrives in the house exhausted from TAKS testing, balancing Lil Bit in one arm and a large Diet Coke in the other. Just as our home caseworker drives up!

Wow! What was I thinking?

Stinkpot was OUT OF CONTROL! Acting out in the worst way! He hit the baby twice. At one point, he walked up to the baby and just kicked him!

I took him back in his room for a minute, while I distracted the caseworkers with the luscious chocolate-covered strawberries from Shari’s Berries that my wonderfully thoughtful husband had delivered to me as an Easter gift. {bribery?}

My husband then took Stinkpot outside to talk to the BugMan while I finished the visit with the caseworkers.

The visit itself went well.

  • Lil Bit’s case will be officially transferred to the State’s adoption unit today.
  • Since he is a citizen of Mexico, our 20-month-old, Lil Bit cannot be adopted until he is certified as a U.S. citizen.  {we are harboring an illegal immigrant}
  • He is now on the INS waiting list for a “certificate of naturalization“, in which scheduling the ceremony can take MONTHS!  So we are in another “holding pattern” before the adoption of our Lil Bit can be finalized.

What a visit!  BUT we had another visitor later that night!

photo courtesy Lisa Jane Stewart - not me!

The kids and I hunkered down in the bathroom clothes hamper until late in the evening. {FosterDad was glued to the television} I was keeping up with tornado alerts and friends through Twitter and Facebook. I admit it, I was scared!

We were all blessed by God’s protection that night! Have a blessed weekend with your family!

Hugs! ~penny

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No Time-Out???

Many foster children are removed from their families for physical abuse. Not simply spankings, but beatings! Bruises, marks, and scars!

These darling children come to live in our foster home after this abuse. They are perfect little angels, and you wonder how did this happen.

For a little while. And then: DEMANDS, FITS, HITTING, WHINING – the behaviors that would challenge the Dalai Lama…

These children NEED structure, boundaries, discipline…

As a foster parent, you CANNOT spank!

1-2-3-TIME OUT!!! Yes! That’s it! The perfect method to discipline a child.

I’m going out on a limb to say “NO”!

time-in-discipline

As readers of this website may know, our 3-year-old son adopted through foster care is the master of fit-throwing. (Yesterday, as I was driving down the road, he was throwing Easter eggs at me from the back seat. I threw them out the window as he threw them at me. Observers probably thought the Easter bunny was driving by.)

We institute the 1-2-3 time-out as discipline for misbehavior. However, this week, I did something different.

time in discipline“NO! You are not getting candy for supper! Stop hitting me and go sit in your father’s lap right now and tell him what you did was wrong!”

Would you believe it calmed him down sooner, and he behaved the rest of the evening?

A TIME-IN! Time-In Discipline?

Last year, we had a 12-year-old foster child, Big Helper, whose mother had voluntarily given up her children instead of divorcing her incarcerated husband. (I don’t get it either)

Big Helper was dealing with intense feelings of the ultimate rejection.  I began to notice that her most intense breakdowns occurred after she got in trouble. At one point, she even ran away one evening while I was out-of-town on business. Apparently, the time-out form of discipline was another rejection to her, and she simply was emotionally overwhelmed.

I didn’t know anything of a time-in until just before she left us.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

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Use Playful Scenarios to Get Your Defiant Child to Cooperate

Day 33 and we feel as if we are making no progress!
Our defiant 3-year-old, Stinkpot, is challenging us to no end.

The Karate KidToday, I had to carry him kicking, screaming and hitting me in the face into his karate class. Once he finally calmed himself down, he had a GREAT time! However, once the class ended, he ran around everywhere and was demanding a helmet. I had to carry him out kicking and screaming.

Same thing at home. Refused to eat dinner and demanding he was hungry for cake. We are so discouraged!

Today, before leaving for karate class, his Football Guys (which are a GREAT toy for creative play) were strewn all over the living room. As usual, he refused to pick them up. So I began to race him to each piece that would be thrown away if I reached it first. We were laughing as we raced and had the toys picked up in no time.

Today, I learned that by using playful scenarios, Stinkpot will inadvertently cooperate. Am I teaching him responsibility or just trying to keep the peace? Right now, the latter.

We are so tired of our home being a war zone.

NEWS
Be sure and visit our fellow foster mom in Hawaii – She has BIG news on her website Footprints.

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Day 18 – 365-Day Transformation: Give Challenges to a Strong-Willed Child

On Day 18 of our 365-Day Transformation Project, we enrolled him in an educational basketball program called Teams of Tomorrow.

Our hard-headed 3-year-old, Stinkpot, was excited about playing basketball. He is an incredible athlete and can amazingly dribble a basketball better than kids twice his age.

Our prayer is that the challenge and incentive of basketball will help channel his energy and behavior toward healthy pursuits, instead of the aggression that seems to rear its ugly head. 

Has giving a challenge to your strong-willed child helped with behavior issues?

5 Minutes for Mom
Angry Julie Monday
SuperMom

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365-Day Transformation: Word{ful} Wednesday

Our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, is the most strong-willed, demanding, hard-headed, stubborn, ornery, obstinate, cantankerous little rascal you will ever meet. He is impossible!

He even bosses us, as parents, around. “No, drive this way!” “Put that over there!” “No, I’ll do it!”

And when he doesn’t get his way, watch out! His tirade jumps full steam ahead. He becomes this loud, fit-throwing, aggressive little monster.

He has now become so aggressive, his reputation in our area precedes him since getting kicked out of TWO, yes TWO, daycares. We struggle to find anyone in their right mind willing to take on the wrath of Stinkpot.

Not too happy after getting hit in the eye with a baseball
Don’t get me wrong, he is an extraordinary work of God, beautifully and perfectly made.
Gorgeous, athletic and smart!

God has a perfect plan for our precious Stinkpot. Our job as his parents, is to train him in the right way and when he is old, he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Our Stinkpot is determined, head-strong, persistent, and tenacious. These very characteristics that are driving us crazy as parents, will be incredible, if directed toward a life with our Lord Jesus Christ. WOW! Can you imagine the treasures that would be stored in Heaven for our Stinkpot?

So we begin a journey. A LONG journey – toward transformation. January 1st was the first day of our first 365-day journey to intently focus on our Stinkpot’s transformation.

We are rolling up our sleeves and delving into God’s Word and any parenting resources that He lays out for us. Each step will be documented along this journey.

Focusing on transformation of our Stinkpot will be difficult if I am also working full-time; therefore, I will be taking family leave and working part-time (just to keep things going at the office and pay for our health care).

Please pray for our family!

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MISCELLANY MONDAY

Miscellany Monday @ lowercase lettersTHAT SURGERY
Thanks for all the well wishes for our 16-month-old who is recovering from THAT surgery. The second day when the local anesthesia wore off was the worst pain for him. After that, he has been in good spirits and even playing outside. He can’t bathe for a few more days and he does NOT like to shower.

STINKPOT’S SURGERY
We opted to NOT have tubes put in Stinkpot’s ears this week. It was just too difficult for FosterDad with 2 little ones at home by himself. (I came home Wednesday after work and FosterDad was still in his pajamas and quite flustered)

STINKPOT’S BEHAVIOR
Our 3-year-old’s behavior is still a challenge! He has now been kicked out 2 day cares for aggression.Yesterday, he had a knife from the silverware drawer and was threatening to cut us. “I cut you!”

MY DECISION
I have made the decision to stay home with him. I will work part-time during Mother’s Day Out and use family leave. (I haven’t told my boss yet) The child needs a LOT of TLC and individual attention, and he just won’t get that at a day care from 2 workers with 23 other kids. The Mother’s Day Out has just a few kids for the short time he is there.

2011 GOALS/RESOLUTIONS
I had a huge list of goals to share with you, for health, kids, marriage, faith, blogging but given the issues with Stinkpot, I have thrown those all out.

2011 will be defined for me by one word! Everything will revolve around the word: TRANSFORMATION.

MY PRAYER
LORD,
TRANSFORM me;
TRANSFORM my child;
TRANSFORM our family.

NEXT STEPS
I have begun a 365-day Transformation Project.

Praying, focusing on HIM,
Praying, focusing on Stinkpot,
Praying, researching child behavior,
Praying, trying a new tip or technique every day,
Praying, documenting Stinkpot’s actions and reactions,
Praying….

Will you pray for us during this journey?  Can you recommend any books, websites, etc.?

I’m Clever

Sway