Foster2Forever

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The Case of the Missing Birth Father

What do you do when a birth parent can’t be found? Can their parental rights automatically be terminated?

Lil Bit’s birth father is missing. All we know is that he is somewhere in Mexico. The State has been working with the Mexican consulate to locate the father; however, the dad has a fairly common name. For example, imagine trying to find an “Eduardo Hernandez” somewhere in Mexico.

Gavel

Photo courtesy of walknboston on Flickr

Termination of parental rights is scheduled for next week; however, the baby’s ad litem attorney is concerned.  Last week, she called a special hearing in order to discuss this matter with the judge.  After making numerous changes to our family’s schedules, I was able to make it to the hearing.

Our less-expensive attorney (at only $200 per hour) is waiting as I walk up to the courthouse.

“Bad news. The docket is overflowing from this morning and there is no telling how long it will be before this case goes before the judge.”

Oh great! ($200 times all afternoon equals a butt-load of money!!!)

We go inside and take a seat in the courtroom. Strangely, the judge comes out and as everyone is standing, he says, “No, no, you can remain sitting.” At this point, my attorney excuses himself.

A few minutes later, as others are squeezing into the bench beside me, our attorney comes up to me and nudges me to follow him outside.

After making our way out the door into the hall, he tells me that he and the ad litem had already met with the judge in his chambers.  Apparently, the judge addressed the ad litem’s concerns by appointing an attorney to represent the birth father’s interests – an attorney to represent the birth father’s empty chair at the termination hearing still scheduled for next week.

Let’s hope this new attorney doesn’t request a continuance….

Thanks to Danni for the support. She is currently enrolled in online social work courses and spends her free time as a nanny and volunteer at the
local food bank.

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6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

open-adoption-in-foster-care

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark).  I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now!  My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues.  We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything!  If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

Foster Care Open Adoption **Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness.  These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort).  Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart.  As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones.  As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary.  These children have been hurt once before.  Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears.  On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)!  After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings.  They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse.  Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long.  Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen.  NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state.  I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child.  After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother.  Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness.  Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.)  When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him.  (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship?  Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable!  Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level!   Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet.  Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them.  A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free.  It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids.  I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using…   Educate yourselves!  And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!!  Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations.  It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you.  Be honest in your dealings!  Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are.  They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!!  I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members.  Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us.  The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family.  They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time…  Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her.  Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children.  Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception.  Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries.  Some of our boundaries include:

  • No babysitting!
  • She is never alone with the girls.  We always do “family activities”.
  • No showing up without an invitation.
  • No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same!  If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place.  If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over.  If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them!  Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable.  Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all.  If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment.  If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children.  If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth.  Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back  in the situation where they originated from.  DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement!  Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option.  Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no.  (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!)   Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive.  Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship.  Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open.  Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact.  As parents, do what works best for your family!!  This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us.  We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much.  She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

Foster Care Open Adoption“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.”  Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another.  As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.

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Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
What a handsome little man he has become!
foster infant child kid adopting adopted
As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
Have a great weekend!

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Saturday Shout-Outs

Today, I’d like to share posts from other foster care blogs.

Kristin of Adventures of a Betty Crocker WannaBe is taking a leave of absence from blogging because…Cooper’s sister is moving in with the intention of adoption! Congratulations on your growing family!

La Mama Loca has been feeling overwhelmed with everything and is asking for prayer. Go on and give her a big virtual hug! 

Katrina of Making Many Memories began a series called Finding Forever Families Fridays featuring children with Down’s Syndrome. Would you consider adopting a Down’s Syndrome child destined for a life in an institution?

Adoptive Momma of Two had this informative post on ADHD.

Adoptive Momma of Two

Brit of Living with Three Boys of Our Own inspired me about batch cooking.  Could I really do this? Have you?

The Rockin' Mama ChallengeAnd I have to mention Lisa of A Bushel and a Peck aka One Thankful Mom. This Houston mom has eleven, yes, 11 children and has hosted a Rockin’ Mama Challenge to spend 15 minutes every day rocking our little ones to promote attachment. I have to say that, after this challenge, our Stinkpot is now asking to be held now.

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Am I Harboring an Illegal Immigrant?

Living in Texas, illegal immigration is a HUGE controversial topic. Especially, since April when Arizona passed their stringent illegal immigration law. With a third of the Texas population being Hispanic, our Tex-Mex culture inundates us here. So much, that we don’t really think much about whether someone is here legally or not.

How does illegal immigration affect us personally?
Our 17-month-old foster baby, Lil Bit, was born in Mexico and brought back to Texas by his birthmother.

WHY? Because the State has removed so many children from the birthmother, she cannot give birth in this area without the hospitals contacting the State for removal. Before giving birth, the birthmother (a U.S. citizen) fled to Mexico with the Mexican birthfather and gave birth to our Lil Bit in Mexico. So, Lil Bit is “officially” recognized as a Mexican citizen with a Mexican birth certificate.

MexicoThis does complicate matters in that he is not considered a U.S. citizen.  (Dual citizenship has recently become discouraged by U.S. policy.)

The birthmother has voluntarily relinquished her parental rights; however, the State has to also remove the birthfather’s parental rights before Lil Bit will be officially available for adoption.

The problem is that the birthfather is somewhere in Mexico and must be given notice before the State can legally terminate his rights. Another problem is that the mentally-challenged birthmother cannot remember where he lives. So the Mexican consulate is now trying to locate a man with a fairly common Hispanic name somewhere in Mexico.

Another court date is scheduled for next month. We anticipate that the birthfather’s parental rights will be terminated at this hearing. Then Lil Bit will officially be an orphan and available for adoption.

Because Lil Bit is not “officially” a U.S. citizen, this will make our eventual adoption of him quite a bit more complicated — more like an international adoption. Although, he is considered a Mexican national without a green card, the State does have custody of him; thus, our Lil Bit will NOT be deported. Whew!

The State is currently working on his application for U.S. citizenship.

Who knows when the courts will “officially” name Lil Bit as our son – what we know is that Lil Bit already IS our son!

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DISCOVERING INFERTILITY

Does adoption cure infertility?
During the month of that incredible virgin birth, I will be taking you along the journey I have been traveling for the last few years – my journey of infertility.  

In November of 2006, after discovering my husband’s infertility (and soon thereafter my own), 
I was filled with doubt – about my choices, my marriage, my life in general.  

Below is the entry in my journal from that emotional time. It is full of questions and doubt, and gives a glimpse into my emotional state at that time …

What am I doing? I have no idea!

I feel lost in a sea of confusion and I’m drowning quickly! The diversity of my emotions is overwhelming at times.  My sadness, anger, grief and loneliness follows me and, without notice, jumps from behind and overtakes me. 

My inclination is to run as I did as a child.  
But, where will I go and what will I do? 
I would be running away from reminders of bad feelings, instead of running to something. 
But would I be able to really get away from these reminders or would other reminders take their place? 
How can I break this cycle?

I love my husband with all my heart and I know that I will never be able to experience LOVE this wonderful, this emotional, and this pure, ever again. This is once in a lifetime LOVE!
What would’ve happened had I walked away? 
I’d still be in Houston 
– same job 
– same routine (with a few trips mixed in), 
but still searching for that soul mate 
– feeling all but dead inside.

I’m glad I left that life, 
and I really don’t want to return to that phase (of singleness) in my life.
I’m in a new phase of my life, 
yet I still feel that I missed the boat somewhere. 

As I approach 42 years of age, I realize that I probably will never have a baby of my own to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. 
And if I do, the chances increase every single month that the child will have genetic malformations.  
Would I be prepared to handle the challenges that a special needs child brings?
Can I feel whole without a child?
Will I live in a state of constant regret?

But, will a normal, healthy baby that fulfills that desire, help calm the turbulent waters of my emotions?

That entry was from 4 years ago. My life has changed drastically, as I now have 2 toddler boys that keep me on my toes…
Did adoption cure my infertility? I’ll delve more into those emotions this month.

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World AIDS Day and the Orphan Crisis

Join AIDS.gov in Facing AIDS for World AIDS DayDecember 1st – Today is World AIDS Day.

An awareness day I had not been aware of.  The focus of this blog has been adoption through foster care; however, after reading through the different adoption stories from our Adoption Blog Hop, I have been made more aware of the worldwide orphan crisis, especially in Africa.

In the United States, an orphan, even without a family, will have shelter and food through the foster care system; however, in Africa, that is not the case. Compound that with a medical condition (such as HIV), and an orphan in Africa, without food or medication, is given a death sentence.

I have especially been moved by One Thankful Mom of Bushel and a Peck. 
we set out to adopt two little boys, 
and in the process, we fell in love with two girls who happened to have HIV. 
These children were the very “least of these” that Jesus speaks of and 
we are honored that He made them our daughters.”
She has a beautiful post today on World AIDS Day: Five Things You Can Do. 
“I am so thankful to God that we learned there was nothing to fear about HIV, 
and I feel honored that God trusted us to adopt our children who are HIV+.”

Have a blessed week!

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ADOPTION MONTH HIGHLIGHTS

WOW!  What a month for adoption this has been! 

4,800 foster children in the United States were adopted this month!!!

Over 100 adoption stories were added to our Adoption Blog Hop!!!  Thanks to all who added their stories! Supporting each other through the tangled web of adoption is important. The blog hop will be open through December, so encourage other adoptive families to join. I found some incredible stories and simply AMAZING families and will be adding them to my blogroll. Did you find any other adoption blogs to add to your blogroll? 

The purpose of National Adoption Month is to raise awareness of foster children waiting for forever families.  It is also the purpose of this blog.  I hope that we have achieved this.  I have had a few inquiries about how to become a foster parent.

Kristen of Betty Crocker Wannabe wrote this incredible post on Navigating the Foster Care System. A must-read for those considering getting licensed. Would you consider getting licensed if just to provide respite care for foster families?

Have a blessed week!

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HOW TO MAKE 3 FAMILIES INTO 1 (Blending Families)

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
The winner of yesterday’s photo caption contest is Denver Laura of Fertility Alphabet Soup who is making the leap from fertility treatments to foster care.  This month, she had the joy of an 8-month-old baby boy in her home and then the disappointment of his leaving with a relative. Go give her a *BIG* virtual hug!!!

BLENDING FOSTER KIDS INTO ONE FAMILY
Now – Say a BIG “Howdy” to La Mama Loca, a foster mom that has adopted 5 of her foster children! Her family of 7 is about to move from the Midwest to Puerto Rico…

Hello and thanks for reading about our crazy family! Just over five years ago, my husband and I jumped on the foster care roller coaster adventure. Never did we imagine the ride that was in store for us!
In January of 2006, we received our first call, three children, ages and names unknown.  That list of questions to ask before you take a placement….right out the window! All we knew when we went to pick them up several hours later was that there was 1 boy and 2 girls, they were approximately 3, 4, and 5 yrs old, sick, and none spoke a word of English.
Papa Loco, my husband, is fluent in Spanish, and I know enough to be dangerous! We picked the kids up around 7 in the evening and from then on out, our lives changed dramatically!  While I had a degree in Education and we had both been around children all our lives, for the first time, we were totally responsible for these precious lives! It was a bit scary, but we made it through!  I think back to those early days and I am amazed at how we all clicked and made it work.  Going from no children to three children does not work for everyone, but for us, it did.  Due to the nature of the kids case, we were still unsure of their full names and ages until about 2 weeks into the case:
  • Smarty Pants had just turned 5 years old, less than two weeks before we got him.
  • Sweet Thing was 3, almost 4 years old.
  • Drama Mama was 2.5….and every bit her nickname!

Over the next few years, we added other foster children into our home.  Almost a year into their placement, we added Goofy Girl.  She had been a pre-adoptive placement and been doing (free) respite from 14 mos-18 mos.  The kids were so excited to have her finally move in.  They have always had warm and loving hearts and welcomed her in.

For the first two years of the older three’s case, and first year of GG’s case, we had no parental visits.  This is rare.  We took it for granted.  After a year in care, Goofy Girl’s bio mom showed up…demanding visits.  This time she had her boyfriend, who she claimed was GG’s bio father, in tow.  Visits were hard.  Very hard!  From 11 mos-2 yrs old, GG had no contact with her bio mom.  I was her mom, Papa Loco was her Papa.  It took many months for her to feel comfortable with leaving our sides.
Several months later, we added La Loquita to our family….Goofy Girl’s sister.  She was with us from 1.5 months old to 7 months.  She had a short 3 months reunification with bio mom, but surprise, we got a call one late night saying she’d been removed again…did we want her back?? Of course, she was our baby girl!

At that point, we had 6 children in our home.  We also had Chunky Monkey…the 1/2 brother of the older three kids.  He was with us for the first year of his life.  The kids did not know he was their 1/2 brother right away.  We were really torn on how to handle this issue.  They had no contact with their bio family.  For two years, we had no idea where their bio mother was, if she was dead or alive.  It was a total out of the blue call telling us that Chunky Monkey existed and was in care! CM had weekly visitation with bio mom and his father.  He went home at 13 months old.  This was very hard for the kids.  They were very very very concerned about him, if bio mom was making good choices, if he was safe. Losing him was heartbreaking for all of us.  Yet we also saw God’s hand on the situation.  While bio mom made a lot of stupid choices in those past few years, she also realized it.  She worked hard to get Chunky Monkey back.  We developed a relationship with her, that while it has its ups and downs, has been a blessing. We now have frequent contact with Chunky Monkey, Mr. Macho, and La Gorda, the other two half siblings.

We have now finalized the adoption of our 5 children.

Each set of cases last 3.5 years from placement to adoption.
Ages at placement:
Smarty Pants-5, Sweet Thing-3, Drama Mama-2, Goofy Girl-11 mo, La Loquita-1 mo.
Ages at adoption:
Smarty Pants-8, Sweet Thing-7, Drama Mama-6, Goofy Girl-4, La Loquita-2.

We have, by the grace of God, managed to blend three families into one.  We have an open adoption with both bio mothers, but currently, only contact with 1.  We know we are not the only family these children have.  With boundaries, we have managed to have good relationships with extended bio family.  The kids know there are biological differences amongst them.  We talk a lot about how we are a family formed by adoption with a lot of people to love them.  Like any group of 5 siblings, they bicker and fight.  Yet they also have a very tight bond that no one can tear apart.

Love has brought our family together in a way, we never imagined.  We continue to pray about adding more children to our family!  We can’t get enough crazy in our lives!

I’m Clever

Sway