Foster2Forever

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Ding! Dong! Here’s A Baby! – My Messiest Moments as a Foster Mom

One of the most challenging aspects of foster care is that your life can change at a moment’s notice.  Our lives changed instantly on March 4, 2008, when we received a call for an 8-month-old baby boy.  I was so excited! A baby!!!  (That never happens in foster care.)  It was only after our JD arrived that I realized – “I don’t know nothing about babies!”

I was handed a baby with only a few things.  What does an 8-month-old baby eat? I had no idea! There was some cereal & formula. Hmm! I guess this is what I’m supposed feed him.

Our baby JD was so sick! He was so congested that he barely could breathe. His eyes were matted with mucus. He had a diaper rash the size of his entire diaper!

JD’s sick little eyes when he arrived

Wow! Overwhelming to say the least for our very first placement.

He had a few prescriptions for antibiotics and a nebulizer for breathing treatments.  Because of all his breathing problems as a baby, JD was on and off antibiotics for most of his toddlerhood.  But with the antibiotics came the dreaded diarrhea. Not just “loose” stools but water-y projectile diarrhea!  And did it go away after he would complete a round of antibiotics? NO!

For two years, our JD would have occasional, unexplained brown river diarrhea. And, of course, it would hit at the most random times:

  • We would receive THAT call from the daycare saying: “You need to come pick up JD NOW. He’s had two bouts of diarrhea already today.“
  • While FosterDad was at home alone with diaper-changing duties, JD shot his “liquid weapon” across the room, hitting the crib, carpeting, nursery door, and anything in his way. For this round, JD got bonus points for shooting his brown shrapnel into his diaper bag and even in his shoes!
  • Even our teenager wasn’t immune to being on the receiving end of the mess.  One day as Bubba was keeping JD for a couple of hours, he called me frantic, “JD’s diaper came off during his nap and there’s crap everywhere!”  I gave him some simple instructions as I rushed home.  Bubba wasn’t exaggerating! JD was covered in crap as Bubba had a (as in one) diaper wipe trying to clean him up.
  • On vacation, at the Rainforest Cafe on Galveston Island. FosterDad and Bubba were changing him in the mens room as other restaurant patrons were dodging the brown spray.
  • Numerous other restaurants that we had to make a quick exit.
  • JD was constantly messing his clothes (and ours).

We should’ve bought stock in Clorox Disinfecting Wipes!

However, FINALLY, after 2 years of dodging diarrhea, we discovered the truth behind the turds after our JD began talking.  One afternoon, he asked for a glass of milk, and an hour later began complaining that his tummy hurt!

Our JD was lactose-sensitive!  Imagine that! All that misery that could have been avoided had we known a little more about JD’s medical history.

If I had only known….I could have avoided my messiest moments as a foster mom!!!

What do you wish you would have known about a child in your care?

What has been your messiest moment as a parent?

I received information about Clorox’s Bleach It Away campaign and am sharing my messy moment with The SITS Girls.  Check out www.BleachItAway.com – where you can share your messiest story, plus grab a coupon for Clorox® Regular Bleach.

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Open Adoption in Foster Care: Is It Safe?

Open adoptions in foster care are a rarity.  However, the adoption of our Lil Bit is semi-open. We have an agreement in place where in May every year, we will send photos and an update letter to the birth mother.  The birth mother in return, can request a visit in August with 30 days written notice.

Last month, when I asked about what to include when writing an update letter to the birth mother, there were a number of readers that had some great insight and experience. Please go back and read the comments – great suggestions!

One commenter did bring up the loss that a child has in not seeing their birth family until age 18.  I do agree that it is sad; however, every situation is unique.  I do believe that sometimes it is in a child’s best interest to NOT see birth family until they are an adult and old enough to handle what they might discover about their birth family and how contact could affect them.  This is the case with our Stinkpot.

Stinkpot’s birth family is extremely violent.  Scary violent.  A sibling was miscarried after the birth father kicked the mother in the abdomen.   They’ve put out their cigarettes in each others faces. It’s a vicious, crazy cycle of domestic violence.  And top that off with the drug use.

The violent nature came from somewhere. In the reports we’ve received on Stinkpot’s family, even a grandparent got involved a verbal altercation with the State agency about “harassing” the birth parent.  This is a grandparent that is currently raising Stinkpot’s sibling!  My fear is that his sibling will also become a violent adult.  Stinkpot certainly has that genetic disposition, and we take him to counseling to help us deal with it appropriately.

Last year, we had a prowler outside our home late one night. Our first thoughts were that Stinkpot’s birth parents found us and were scoping out our home. We later saw bio-mom & dad on the news for a violent crime.  Stinkpot’s birth parents are now in prison (where they belong).

The birth family wants contact with Stinkpot and have contacted the State about a visit and have even tried to search for us.  We do not want contact with this family.  It scares us!

I believe the grandparents could have negotiated a settlement with the State for limited contact if they would have known that they could.  I am sad that Stinkpot has grandparents that love him that he will not see.  I am sad that Stinkpot has a biological brother that he favors that he can’t play with as he grows up.

However, as his parents, we do believe that it is in Stinkpot’s best interest that he not have contact with his birth family until he is an adult, and then, only if he wants contact.

What situations do you believe that contact with birth family should not occur?

Entered in this week's I Heart Faces "whimsical" photo challenge

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Guest Post: Letting Go When Foster Children Leave

Two of foster care placements were especially hard on our family. One was our first placement, a baby girl just two days old who was with our family for 5 ½ months. The other was our third placement and our longest to date at nine months. He was placed with us at 4 days old. He is going home today. To say that those wounds are fresh would be an understatement. Saying goodbye is not easy for me. Sure bonding comes with each child at their own time. One of my favorite posts is by Noisy. Colorful. Livel. “Attachment, where’s the Velcro when you need it.” With these little ones, the newborn babes, bonding is effortless for me. Give me a baby to hold in my arms and they are mine. Loved! Adored!

When we first started foster care we thought that adoption would come up at some point. That eventually we would adopt and we were happy when that day came. We had a young son in the home and weren’t too anxious to have any permanent newcomer. Oh, what a difference a day can make. From the moment these little ones were in our home I did not want to let them go. However, when you sign up as a foster parent, you sign up to support family reunification first. So of course that day came when I was forced to let go.goodbye-foster-children

In the case of our first placement, Little Miss, she wasn’t returned home. Instead a local Native American tribe took jurisdiction on the case since her birth mother had enrolled with them just after giving birth. Under the ICWA laws I did not have first choice after family was ruled out because I do not have any considerable Native American history. Her loss was devastating to say the least. I remember crying my eyes out after she left. I also remember feeling completely normal and putting those feelings of grief aside. It wasn’t until later when another Native American little girl was placed with us that those feelings of loss crept up and overwhelmed me. It is completely normal to feel the different stages of loss. It is important to validate your feelings and talk about them.

Little Dude, who is the baby who is going home today, was placed with me the day after I found out I was losing Little Miss. In some ways I had hope that he was some blessing from on high. A way to make up for the loss of our sweet baby girl. His case has been up and down. There were times I was certain adoption would happen. I prayed it would. Hope kept being drawn-out as extensions in the case were granted. However, all concerns with his biological family were resolved and he was able to return to his father. I am still in shock. Letting go is not easy. But I do know that it is possible. That I can love again.

Foster parenting is incredibly rewarding and, honestly, I wouldn’t trade these experiences. I am growing so much as a person – and more importantly as a Mother.

You can read all about Foster Mama’s foster care and adoption adventures over at:  Foster Mama & the kiddos.  She and her husband have been foster parents for just over a year and in that time have had five placements. Sadly, they have said goodbye to four of them.

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It’s Me or the Blankie!

This week, our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, who we adopted through foster care, accidentally smashed his finger in a door.  The poor boy was screaming in pain as I ran to him.  He was screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”

As I scooped him in my arms, he continued screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”  As his mother, I wasn’t able to comfort him. I asked him, “Do you want Mommy to hold you or do you want Blankie?”

“I waaaaaannnnnttt Blankie!”

foster child attachment

Stinkpot at 10 months old with Blankie

Stinkpot’s attachment to Blankie has been one of the strongest forms of attachment of any child.

  • Blankie is the baby blanket given to his by the hospital of his birth.
  • Blankie was the only thing that he had when he was removed from his birth family at 8 months old.
  • Blankie with all its cigarette burn holes was probably his only consistent form of security during those 8 months of neglect.

As Stinkpot’s mother, on many occasions, I have felt that he is more attached to Blankie than me. And is some ways that could be true.

Because of Stinkpot’s behavior issues, I chose for the year 2011 to be a focus of transformation for Stinkpot and our family.

The first and foremost was TIME! I took leave from work to spend more time with Stinkpot, less time at work or on the computer, and more time focused on him! This has helped in that he now has a desire to be with me more.

Second, I participated in The Rockin’ Mama Challenge hosted by Lisa of A Bushel and a Peck.  The challenge was to rock our wounded little ones for 15 minutes EVERY day. The first few days were tough for our hyperactive 3-year-old; however, now he asks to be rocked almost every day.

He is still very attached to Blankie; however, last night, he left Blankie at church and did well sleeping with Cars Blankie! One step at a time!

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month

A Foster Parent’s Perspective – Preventing Child Abuse

When Penny asked me to write a guest blog for National Child Abuse Prevention month, I said ‘yes!’  Then I thought, ‘What have I done? ‘ I don’t know anything about child abuse Prevention. I know some about child abuse.  I know a little, and I stress little, more about dealing with abused children. But, prevention – not so much.

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So, here we are – National Child Abuse Prevention month. While I do not claim to be an expert in any sense of the word, I do believe that these thoughts are practical ways that will reach multiple generations, if we are willing to say yes.

My husband and I have been foster parents for the last 16 months.  Fostering has opened our eyes to a broken, overworked system that focuses on putting out immediate fires with little regard for long term consequences.   Please understand, the system is broken – not necessarily the people who work in the system.

One really great person that works in this system is the Child Advocate or CASA volunteer. We have the most amazing CASA volunteer and are blessed to be in a county that requires every child be assigned a volunteer.  The CASA volunteer’s job is simply to speak on behalf of the child.  Because, they are volunteers, they work with the kids because they WANT to, not because they have to.  These volunteers provide the child a voice, that isn’t looking out for their own interests – like attorneys, CPS, judges, etc.  So, what can you do?  If you are not a foster parent, sign up to be a volunteer.   Be the voice of an abused child and help prevent abuse for the next generation.

Our fostering process has had SO many ups and downs.  Our intention has always been that we would adopt one or more children through fostering, which is the riskiest decision we have ever made.  I’m not good at making relationship boundaries; I’m an “all in” kinda girl…which makes fostering SO hard for me. Anyway,  about 10 months into fostering our daughter, I had an epiphany.  While losing a child would be the worst loss of my life, I get the opportunity to lay a foundation of love, hope and joy for a child whose foundation would have been abuse, drugs, drama and who knows what else.  That, my friends, may be the ultimate way to personally impact the prevention of child abuse, the riskiest perhaps, but worth it.

So, remember at the beginning when I said we have to be willing to say yes?  Well, that may be the hardest part!

Melody, from I Heart…small kitchen appliances, is a wife, mom and children’s pastor who currently resides in the Greater Houston area.  She enjoys creating – food, crafts and organized chaos!  When she isn’t at home or church you will find her behind a 1929 baby grand practicing for a choral concert.

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HOW TO MAKE 3 FAMILIES INTO 1 (Blending Families)

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
The winner of yesterday’s photo caption contest is Denver Laura of Fertility Alphabet Soup who is making the leap from fertility treatments to foster care.  This month, she had the joy of an 8-month-old baby boy in her home and then the disappointment of his leaving with a relative. Go give her a *BIG* virtual hug!!!

BLENDING FOSTER KIDS INTO ONE FAMILY
Now – Say a BIG “Howdy” to La Mama Loca, a foster mom that has adopted 5 of her foster children! Her family of 7 is about to move from the Midwest to Puerto Rico…

Hello and thanks for reading about our crazy family! Just over five years ago, my husband and I jumped on the foster care roller coaster adventure. Never did we imagine the ride that was in store for us!
In January of 2006, we received our first call, three children, ages and names unknown.  That list of questions to ask before you take a placement….right out the window! All we knew when we went to pick them up several hours later was that there was 1 boy and 2 girls, they were approximately 3, 4, and 5 yrs old, sick, and none spoke a word of English.
Papa Loco, my husband, is fluent in Spanish, and I know enough to be dangerous! We picked the kids up around 7 in the evening and from then on out, our lives changed dramatically!  While I had a degree in Education and we had both been around children all our lives, for the first time, we were totally responsible for these precious lives! It was a bit scary, but we made it through!  I think back to those early days and I am amazed at how we all clicked and made it work.  Going from no children to three children does not work for everyone, but for us, it did.  Due to the nature of the kids case, we were still unsure of their full names and ages until about 2 weeks into the case:
  • Smarty Pants had just turned 5 years old, less than two weeks before we got him.
  • Sweet Thing was 3, almost 4 years old.
  • Drama Mama was 2.5….and every bit her nickname!

Over the next few years, we added other foster children into our home.  Almost a year into their placement, we added Goofy Girl.  She had been a pre-adoptive placement and been doing (free) respite from 14 mos-18 mos.  The kids were so excited to have her finally move in.  They have always had warm and loving hearts and welcomed her in.

For the first two years of the older three’s case, and first year of GG’s case, we had no parental visits.  This is rare.  We took it for granted.  After a year in care, Goofy Girl’s bio mom showed up…demanding visits.  This time she had her boyfriend, who she claimed was GG’s bio father, in tow.  Visits were hard.  Very hard!  From 11 mos-2 yrs old, GG had no contact with her bio mom.  I was her mom, Papa Loco was her Papa.  It took many months for her to feel comfortable with leaving our sides.
Several months later, we added La Loquita to our family….Goofy Girl’s sister.  She was with us from 1.5 months old to 7 months.  She had a short 3 months reunification with bio mom, but surprise, we got a call one late night saying she’d been removed again…did we want her back?? Of course, she was our baby girl!

At that point, we had 6 children in our home.  We also had Chunky Monkey…the 1/2 brother of the older three kids.  He was with us for the first year of his life.  The kids did not know he was their 1/2 brother right away.  We were really torn on how to handle this issue.  They had no contact with their bio family.  For two years, we had no idea where their bio mother was, if she was dead or alive.  It was a total out of the blue call telling us that Chunky Monkey existed and was in care! CM had weekly visitation with bio mom and his father.  He went home at 13 months old.  This was very hard for the kids.  They were very very very concerned about him, if bio mom was making good choices, if he was safe. Losing him was heartbreaking for all of us.  Yet we also saw God’s hand on the situation.  While bio mom made a lot of stupid choices in those past few years, she also realized it.  She worked hard to get Chunky Monkey back.  We developed a relationship with her, that while it has its ups and downs, has been a blessing. We now have frequent contact with Chunky Monkey, Mr. Macho, and La Gorda, the other two half siblings.

We have now finalized the adoption of our 5 children.

Each set of cases last 3.5 years from placement to adoption.
Ages at placement:
Smarty Pants-5, Sweet Thing-3, Drama Mama-2, Goofy Girl-11 mo, La Loquita-1 mo.
Ages at adoption:
Smarty Pants-8, Sweet Thing-7, Drama Mama-6, Goofy Girl-4, La Loquita-2.

We have, by the grace of God, managed to blend three families into one.  We have an open adoption with both bio mothers, but currently, only contact with 1.  We know we are not the only family these children have.  With boundaries, we have managed to have good relationships with extended bio family.  The kids know there are biological differences amongst them.  We talk a lot about how we are a family formed by adoption with a lot of people to love them.  Like any group of 5 siblings, they bicker and fight.  Yet they also have a very tight bond that no one can tear apart.

Love has brought our family together in a way, we never imagined.  We continue to pray about adding more children to our family!  We can’t get enough crazy in our lives!

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YES, IT DOES GET WORSE!

What a week!

I am still very nervous about what going to happen to Lil Bit, our 5-month-old foster baby. His case worker called me last Friday to tell me that they were going to send Lil Bit to the family member that has his other 5 siblings.

Since then, I have spoken with our attorney, and it all comes down to whether we, as foster parents, have standing for a court case. Foster parents can ask a judge to be considered as an option for placement if the child has lived with them for a year. Even though Lil Bit has lived with us less than 2 months – he has lived with us for 20% of his short life. But that doesn’t hold up in court.

We will have to prove that placing Lil Bit with the family member will possibly “endanger or otherwise cause harm” to him. Did I mention that, as I understand it, this family member has 6 children of their own? I know that the State is not recommending this placement; however, the family member does have an attorney & is requesting a sibling placement. I am meeting with our attorney tomorrow.

The worst part of all this is that I took Lil Bit to the doctor on Tuesday because he was getting a cough – and, turns out he has RSV! He was admitted to the hospital & is in isolation! I’m thankful I went ahead and took him before he had gotten worse! He has been doing well in that he is still getting plenty of oxygen; however, he has been fighting a fever & severe congestion.

Please keep Lil Bit and our family in your prayers!

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THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A FOSTER PARENT

We have been so blessed as foster parents to have such beautiful, wonderful foster children! It has been “pure joy” to open our home to neglected children. But now comes the hard part – I received a call today that CPS has found a home with a distant relative for our 5-month-old precious baby boy that we’ve been fostering for the last month and a half.

The toughest part emotionally has to be that since CPS did not foresee any family members for this baby, we were asked, “Do you want to keep him?” Anticipating his membership into our family, we have been searching for a name to fit this beautiful dark-haired, blue-eyed baby and had decided on a combination of family names. (Another “J” name for another boy which means God rescues & a middle name to honor my husband’s late uncle that passed away before we started dating)

I don’t blame anyone. I can totally understand why someone would want this beautiful creation. He is so perfect! He only cries when he’s wet or hungry and now only wakes once during the night. Did I mention that he is BEAUTIFUL???

I’m extremely disappointed and have contacted our attorney to see if we have any say at all. Right now I’m feeling quite nervous and have butterflies the size of 737s in my stomach. I know, however, as the impending date of February 9th draws closer, losing this little angel will become more difficult to deal with.

Until then, I must focus on being the best parent I can be for this child and the others in our home.

Romans 8:28 “all things work together for good to those who love God…”

I will keep you posted as more details unfold…

Hugs to you!
-penelope

Read more about our adventures in fostering by clicking the fostering label.

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