neglect Archives - Foster2Forever

10:38 am by Penelope

4 Questions to Ask When Early Childhood Trauma Causes Behavior Issues

Early childhood trauma can radically change the way a child’s brain experiences a situation. Trauma causes the brain to go survival mode which triggers the FEAR response (flight, fight, or freeze). When a traumatized child is in FEAR response, the brain shuts off the thinking part of the brain, and the child cannot think or even recall coping skills. The primitive part of the brain is about only one thing — SURVIVAL!

Logical thought processes can be hijacked by the FEAR response caused by early childhood trauma. Trauma has the unique ability to rewire the brain, and what may seem like ordinary simple everyday situations, can become huge triggers for children that have experienced early trauma.

A child may not even remember the neglect or abuse experienced, but magically, the body remembers. This buried, intrinsic memory can trigger the FEAR response. FEAR hijacks the brain with a simple trigger that the child probably doesn’t understand or remember.

Recently, my child wanted me to buy him sunflower seeds after baseball practice. I knew he needed to eat a good meal so I just wanted to get him home for dinner. But hunger (even perceived hunger) is a huge trigger for children who have experienced early neglect or food insecurity. (You can read his heartbreaking story on infant neglect here.)

As the situation escalated, I tried to reason with my child, but he was becoming more irritated. The sunflower seeds were not going to help with his hunger, plus he had a huge bag of sunflower seeds at home. I wanted to just get him home.

COMMON SENSE SAYS:

I have sunflower seeds at home
I can wait 20 minutes to get my sunflower seeds
It’s okay to just go home and get my sunflower seeds
Sunflower seeds won’t keep me from feeling hungry

But you can’t reason with a brain in fear response!

EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA SAYS:

If I don’t get sunflower seeds right now, I WILL STARVE TO DEATH!!!

I stopped the car at a park and let my son out to cool off and SWING (the repetitive motion of swinging is therapeutic and calming for the brain). As I was watching him and becoming more calm myself, I began asking questions.

4 QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN EARLY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA CAUSES MISBEHAVIOR

WHAT IS TRIGGERING THE BEHAVIOR?
My child hasn’t eaten dinner yet. (Read more about emotional triggers)
WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY CHILD’S BRAIN?
My child in FEAR response.
WHAT DOES HE NEED TO FEEL SAFE?
My child needs to know that I will meet his needs.
WHY AM I SAYING NO?
I am saying NO because of all the common sense reasons.

MEETING YOUR CHILD’S NEED & CALMING THE TRAUMATIZED BRAIN
In that moment, I had an epiphany and realized that I should give my child what he NEEDS – that is food security!!! Therefore, my child has to know that I will meet his NEEDS so he won’t ever FEEL that he will go hungry again. A child has to FEEL SAFE!!!

My child needed the sunflower seeds to feel safe and calm his brain!

Parenting children from hard places is different than the way we were raised. You have to meet your traumatized child’s needs – even if it doesn’t seem like common sense.

(Read more on overcoming childhood fears)

11:20 am by Penelope

My Child Doesn’t Remember the Neglect as an Infant, But His Body Does

My son doesn’t remember being hungry — but his brain does! The trauma from infant neglect can cause lasting impressions in the memory bank of a baby.

My son was just 8 months old when he came to live with us. Even in those short months, he had experienced serious neglect that unknown to anyone had a lasting impact on his life. He spent the majority of his infanthood in a car seat, as his parents partied and fought in another room. Just how often did he get fed? His cries for a bottle went unheard. How often did he get changed? His cries of discomfort from dirty diapers weren’t heard. When he came to live with us, he had a rash in the shape of a diaper on his entire front and bottom.

“Babies don’t remember.” That’s what I thought. But I was very wrong.

He was a delightful baby, although hypervigilant in watching me. Anytime I left the room, he would begin screaming. And even when I was in the room, if a door would suddenly shut, he would begin screaming. It was then, I began to realize how serious his neglect had been.

But he didn’t show signs of infant neglect.

I admit he was a demanding baby and toddler, but aren’t the “terrible twos” and “threenage” years supposed to be? I didn’t think anything was wrong in regard to tantrums at that age until…

His daycare began reporting numerous tantrums and meltdowns, that began escalating to rages and aggression toward the teachers and other students. He eventually got kicked out of THREE daycares due to his rages, and I had to take FMLA family leave.

I researched, read numerous adoption & parenting books, and tried every parenting technique I could find. But the rages continued. Even medication didn’t help.

However, our family vacation on a Disney Cruise was pivotal in uncovering the mystery of my son’s tantrums. On the last day of the cruise in which we had endured numerous meltdowns, I finally discovered the trigger for my son’s meltdowns.

“Son, you do this every time, right before we eat!!! ” I suddenly had an epiphany as the words left my mouth.

I saw a chocolate on the bed stand, quickly gave it to him. He immediately devoured the chocolate, and within one minute, like magic, he rapidly transformed back into my sweet little boy. My little boy had been hungry!

My son doesn’t have a memory of being hungry as an infant, but his brain does. That baby’s developing brain was hard-wired with a terrifying memory of being hungry, not knowing when he would be fed, and believing he was going to die!

The fear response of fight, flight or freeze would kick in – and my baby would fight! – the only way he could as an infant – by screaming. As he got older, his fear response from hunger escalated from screaming to actual fighting!

When I looked back on the documentation at the daycares, his rages occurred around 10 in the morning and mid-afternoon. My child was hungry!!

I can now attribute about 80% of my son’s behavior issues to hunger. Although I understand the trigger to the majority of his crankiness and tantrums, I still struggle with parenting my son — a strong-willed finicky eater! (That’s another blog post)

My son still has a memory of hunger – but he doesn’t remember it.

My Weekend of Parenting a Traumatized Child

Weekends are the worst! That’s when my traumatized child acts out the most. My guess is that it’s the lack of structure on the weekends that causes the meltdowns. Predictability (as in schedules and routines) helps a child feel safe in the world. And weekends aren’t always the same and can be quite unpredictable.

Adoption Trauma

Parenting a traumatized child isn’t easy. It’s parenting turned inside out. As a “trauma mama,” I parent a lot differently than I ever thought parents should. Because my traumatized child needs to know that I will meet his needs (which are “wants” many times), I say “yes” to my child as much as possible. It’s about building trust – a trust he didn’t experience in his early life. This helpless baby never knew when he was going to be fed, and he needs to learn that he can trust his parents to meet his needs.

But like anything in parenting, I don’t know if I’m doing this trauma parenting right. I feel I’m walking this fine-line tightrope trying to balance meeting the needs of my traumatized child so that he knows he can fully rely on me and trust me. But contrasting that trust, is that I worry that I am being too permissive as a parent so that my child won’t have boundaries in his relationships and will constantly push others to meet his “needs/wants” and become “entitled”.

Because of the high potential for meltdowns on the weekends, I can be quite permissive and allow my child to get away with so much more — just to reduce the stress of meltdowns in our home.

But then Monday comes, and I wonder “Was I a good parent this weekend?” “Did I give in too much?” “Am I spoiling my child?” On Monday, I’m full of self-doubt in my parenting abilities. But I’ve got to stop judging myself against the impossible standard of being the “perfect” parent.

I’m happy to be partnering with Similac to end judgment (even against ourselves) and unite to support other parents. Especially on Monday, after a weekend of loosening the rules to just make it through. I can’t be the only parent…am I?

“So, I let him cry it out. For 15 minutes. In the middle of the playground. Don’t judge me. (And I won’t judge…” Posted on Similac US Facebook page

1:24 pm by Penelope

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge to Bond with your Child

Five years ago, I was struggling with parenting our demanding, hyperactive toddler we had adopted from foster care. I stumbled upon a blog post that first introduced me to the concept of attachment therapies for adoptive families.

{That blog post, The Rockin’ Mama Challenge, was written by none other than Lisa Qualls of One Thankful Mom.}

The Challenge was to sit and rock your traumatized child 15 minutes each day to promote attachment. The uninterrupted alone time between parent and child was to help give the child a pathway to learn attachment through a simple ritual of physical closeness via rocking.

Five years ago, foster parents in my neck of the woods weren’t trained much on trauma and its effects on a child’s attachment. Not many parenting strategies were doled out either, most parenting tips were “don’t spank” and “just give a time-out.”

Five years ago, I began the Challenge fighting to keep our son still and in my lap for any amount of time. A challenge it was!!! But after a week, our son began to not resist the rocking time. After two weeks, he even asked to be rocked. As much as he fought it, my traumatized child wanted that attachment.

Five years ago, that Challenge opened my eyes to a whole new world of attachment parenting.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge

Now, five years later, I’d like to challenge other parents to join me in another rocking challenge during the month of October. It’s simple.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge Facebook group.

Rock your child for 10-15 minutes every day in October. If you miss a day, don’t give up! Just rock your child the next day! If you can’t do 10 minutes, do 5 minutes. Just rock!

Rock your child alone. No other children. No distractions. No books. No devices. No television. Just you and your child.

Keep a journal or share your experience on Instagram, Twitter or Periscope using the #RocktoberLove hashtag. Record how long, what time of day, what you did together, how your child responded, how you felt, etc.

Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Periscope. — And others participating in the #RocktoberLove Challenge. Start a dialog. You are not alone in this!!! Here is your village.

I’ll be periscoping my #RocktoberLove Challenge experience everyday.
Will you join me?

5:29 pm by Penelope

How Can Attachment Become So Disorganized?

Before becoming a parent, a person should understand the four attachment parenting types. Specifically, foster parents should study the disorganized attachment style. Why? Because 80% of abused children come from a home with a disorganized attachment style – an attachment based on FEAR. (Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel)

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Style

Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
Prone to dissociation from relationships

I recently attended a workshop on Attachment and the Circle of Security — which simplified the disorganized attachment style down to 3 things parents do to disorganize attachment in their children.

MEAN, WEAK, or GONE!

Is the parent MEAN?

The very person a child has to rely on for safety or care causes fear in the child. That’s pretty much a given for physical abuse of the children that come into foster care. But it doesn’t have to be physical abuse. Harassing or humiliating a child is a subtle form of abuse that causes emotional problems for a child needing to feel secure. A child can become disorganized in their attachment.

Is the parent WEAK?

A weak, permissive, or not-in-charge parent can surprisingly cause a chaotic, disorganized family structure. When a child “rules the roost,” the entire family suffers. There is such a fine line from being permissive and giving a child a voice. Honestly, this is the struggle in our own family as we parent our traumatized, strong-willed child. Parents much be in charge, but in a kind way.

Is the parent GONE?

If a parent isn’t around and a child has to take care of themselves, the child loses any sense of security, and the family can become disorganized. Note that a parent doesn’t have to be physically gone. A parent that is spaced out using drugs is not present in the child’s life, even if they are sitting in the same room with the child. As a child of an alcoholic, I experienced feelings of aloneness and took up the role of caregiver in my family as a young teen. But even a parent that doesn’t use drugs or alcohol can be “gone” if they are preoccupied with other things in their life – examples include watching TV, electronics, video games, or online a lot of the time and not engaging with the child. A child needs to feel a connection with their parent in that their emotional needs of feeling important are met.

Parenting children with disorganized attachment is a challenge not to be taken lightly. But by learning a variety of parenting techniques that encourage attachment, a parent can help a child learn to trust and become more secure in their attachment.

6:30 pm by Penelope

4 Attachment Types To Know Before Becoming a Parent

Attachment can be defined in a number of ways, but can be simply defined as the connection that is developed between a child and caregiver. There are 4 patterns of attachment that a child can develop while being parented, but first…

How is attachment developed?

Attachment is developed through repeated and consistent interactions between a child and caregiver. If this cycle is repeatedly met (doesn’t have to be perfectly met, thank goodness), a child will develop a secure attachment.

When is attachment formed?

Attachment patterns are developed during the first 12 months of life!

Attachment patterns are usually stable over a person’s lifetime! (The attachment style a person develops as an infant will remain their attachment style as an adult UNLESS the person DELIBERATELY attempts to change that attachment style)

4 ATTACHMENT PARENTING TYPES

Secure
Insecure – Avoidant (Organized)
Insecure – Ambivalent (Organized)
Insecure – Disorganized

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Secure Attachment Developed?

Touch, closeness, eye contact – Think of how you hold an infant and look into his face
Emotional attunement – Tuning into the internal state of another
Secure environment – Feeling safe and cared for
Shared pleasure, play, and FUN!

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Type

Seeks out caregiver when in need of physical or emotional support or comfort
Ability to talk about a wide range of feelings, both positive and negative
Feels comfortable exploring new environments while continuing to use their caregiver as a “secure base”
Enjoys and is comfortable with physical and emotional closeness
Positive beliefs about themselves, others, and the world
Emotionally stable (emotional regulation)

2. INSECURE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Developed?

The infant is repeatedly NOT soothed
The attachment cycle is broken, and the distressed infant stops asking for help
The infant is left unattended, in neglectful families or orphanages
Sadly, the infant still produces stress hormones, yet doesn’t act stressed
The infant learns not to depend on anyone to soothe or meet his needs

Characteristics of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Type

Emotionally distant and aloof
Limited tolerance for feelings
Inflated self-reliance to minimize need for connection
Independent or inappropriately mature
Lacks empathy
The child’s solution is limited dependence on relationships. Take care of self. Deny or avoid feelings or emotions.

3. INSECURE-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Developed?

The distressed infant sometimes has his needs met
The caregiver is inconsistent (due to their own unresolved attachment histories, or could be due to substance abuse or mental illness)
Disruptions is care due to inconsistent or chaotic caregiving (also displacements via foster care)

Characteristics of Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Type

Crave attachment yet pushes away (push/pull behaviors)
Clinginess (bottomless pit)
Unable to self-soothe (as they get older) and need all soothing from an outside source
Fear of abandonment
The child’s solution is to keep caregivers in constant proximity

4. DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Type

Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
Prone to dissociation
80% of abused children have disorganized attachment (Siegel)

To learn more about attachment and how your parenting can affect your child’s attachment, you can read Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Dan Siegel (Amazon affiliate link).

4:19 pm by Penelope

My Child’s Early Hunger Still Affects Him Today

More than one in five children (including one in four Latino children) in the U.S. may not know where their next meal is coming from — nearly 16 million children experience child hunger!

Children who experience even intermittent struggles with child hunger may suffer serious, long-term consequences to their health, well-being and educational achievement. I know these effects first hand!

Our son experienced child hunger before being placed in foster care.

When our toddler’s tantrums morphed into rages as he got older, as parents, we felt more and more hopeless — we didn’t know what was going on in our little boy’s brain! We were frightened that our son could have serious psychological issues. However, thanks to Empowered to Connect, we began to realize that our son’s rages were associated with hunger.

Due to our son’s early neglect and experience of child hunger, his little brain had been rewired to believe: “when I’m hungry, I might not eat, I might die” which can trigger the fear response of fight or flight. (our son is a fighter) Once we realized our son’s fits were associated with child hunger, we have been able to help him by giving him a quick snack to reset his blood sugar. We have now reduced our strong-willed son’s fits by 95%!!!

That’s why child hunger is an important topic to me! I’m proud to be partnering with ConAgra Foods to help build a community of people to make a difference and help donate up to 7 million meals through P&G’s Child Hunger Ends Here campaign.

To learn more about how you can help end child hunger, join the Child Hunger Ends Here Facebook page or connect on Twitter or Instagram!

How do your children respond to hunger?

Disclosure: I participated in this important program on behalf of ConAgra Foods and The Motherhood, but this is my true experience of child hunger.

7:20 am by Penelope

My Struggle with Parenting a Difficult Child

Last month, I discovered attachment parenting. I wrote about the benefits of babywearing for attachment, which is especially beneficial for our neglected and traumatized children. After my research, I felt like I missed the boat with my Stinkpot, brought to us at 8-months-old and severely neglected. I regret not “wearing” him or taking leave from work, as I am doing now. (Other aspects of attachment parenting, such as breastfeeding and co-sleeping, aren’t viable options for foster parents.)

However, this week, Time Magazine highlighted the extreme of attachment parenting with a controversial cover photo showing a mother breastfeeding her large 3-year-old son as they both glared at the camera defiantly.

I have to agree with adoption advocate, Kristen of Rage Against the Minivan, when she wrote about Mommy Wars and the Motherless Child:

I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one. I don’t really care if you turned your infant car-seat forward-facing prior to age 2, or if you homeschool, or if you send your kids to daycare while you go to work. Do you cosleep? Did you circumcise your son? I DON’T CARE. Do you babywear? Push your kid around in a stroller? Use a leash for your kid at Disneyland? Whatever. Good for you.

As long as it isn’t abusive or neglectful, how someone chooses to parent their child is really none of my business. To each his own!

However, after watching this interview on the Today Show, I began to think about our future generation, and my own struggles to parent a difficult child. Is attachment parenting really that great for our kids?

Did you notice in the interview that the mom stopped during the nationally-televised live broadcast to address her son’s whining? Whoa! Is that how we should parent our children? Stopping our world to deal with our children’s demands whenever they wish?

I struggle with parenting a difficult, demanding 4-year-old child. He interrupts and throws fits. He demands that I watch him play and even go to the potty. I want him to overcome his issues with abandonment through attachment, yet I do want my child to become a self-reliant adult.

My biggest problem with the concept of attachment parenting (excluding the babywearing which I regret not doing) is that a child may learn that the world revolves around him. And this is difficult for me since my little one didn’t have his very basic needs met as an infant. My poor baby would cry out to the world in pain from a wet diaper that would hurt his bottom covered with sores from a diaper rash – and nobody came to comfort or change him. (My heart aches as I write this.)

I want my Stinkpot to know that he will get his needs met. He will have something to eat when he is hungry, but he has to learn that it won’t be cheesy chips or honey buns. Throwing a fit won’t change that.

As parents, we have to teach our children to soothe themselves and delay their immediate gratification if they are going to become self-sufficient adults. Lessons such as learning to not spend money as soon as they get it and save for a car, etc. Due to his ADHD, my Stinkpot struggles with impulsiveness. I want to teach him about delaying his immediate gratification for something bigger. And it’s a tough lesson to teach to any child, much less one with a disability.

As my Stinkpot begins school, he is learning that he has to be a part of a class which more than himself. A tough lesson for him.

Parenting is tough. And there is no one right way to do it. As parents, we have to just do the best we can and learn as we go along. That’s why it’s called the journey of motherhood.

How do you balance all the different parenting advice to find your own unique style that fits your family?

1:50 pm by Penelope

Ding! Dong! Here’s A Baby! – My Messiest Moments as a Foster Mom

One of the most challenging aspects of foster care is that your life can change at a moment’s notice. Our lives changed instantly on March 4, 2008, when we received a call for an 8-month-old baby boy. I was so excited! A baby!!! (That never happens in foster care.) It was only after our JD arrived that I realized – “I don’t know nothing about babies!”

I was handed a baby with only a few things. What does an 8-month-old baby eat? I had no idea! There was some cereal & formula. Hmm! I guess this is what I’m supposed feed him.

Our baby JD was so sick! He was so congested that he barely could breathe. His eyes were matted with mucus. He had a diaper rash the size of his entire diaper!

JD’s sick little eyes when he arrived

Wow! Overwhelming to say the least for our very first placement.

He had a few prescriptions for antibiotics and a nebulizer for breathing treatments. Because of all his breathing problems as a baby, JD was on and off antibiotics for most of his toddlerhood. But with the antibiotics came the dreaded diarrhea. Not just “loose” stools but water-y projectile diarrhea! And did it go away after he would complete a round of antibiotics? NO!

For two years, our JD would have occasional, unexplained brown river diarrhea. And, of course, it would hit at the most random times:

We would receive THAT call from the daycare saying: “You need to come pick up JD NOW. He’s had two bouts of diarrhea already today.“
While FosterDad was at home alone with diaper-changing duties, JD shot his “liquid weapon” across the room, hitting the crib, carpeting, nursery door, and anything in his way. For this round, JD got bonus points for shooting his brown shrapnel into his diaper bag and even in his shoes!
Even our teenager wasn’t immune to being on the receiving end of the mess. One day as Bubba was keeping JD for a couple of hours, he called me frantic, “JD’s diaper came off during his nap and there’s crap everywhere!” I gave him some simple instructions as I rushed home. Bubba wasn’t exaggerating! JD was covered in crap as Bubba had a (as in one) diaper wipe trying to clean him up.
On vacation, at the Rainforest Cafe on Galveston Island. FosterDad and Bubba were changing him in the mens room as other restaurant patrons were dodging the brown spray.
Numerous other restaurants that we had to make a quick exit.
JD was constantly messing his clothes (and ours).

We should’ve bought stock in Clorox Disinfecting Wipes!

However, FINALLY, after 2 years of dodging diarrhea, we discovered the truth behind the turds after our JD began talking. One afternoon, he asked for a glass of milk, and an hour later began complaining that his tummy hurt!

Our JD was lactose-sensitive! Imagine that! All that misery that could have been avoided had we known a little more about JD’s medical history.

If I had only known….I could have avoided my messiest moments as a foster mom!!!

What do you wish you would have known about a child in your care?

What has been your messiest moment as a parent?

I received information about Clorox’s Bleach It Away campaign and am sharing my messy moment with The SITS Girls. Check out www.BleachItAway.com – where you can share your messiest story, plus grab a coupon for Clorox® Regular Bleach.