Foster2Forever

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Open Adoption in Foster Care: Is It Safe?

Open adoptions in foster care are a rarity.  However, the adoption of our Lil Bit is semi-open. We have an agreement in place where in May every year, we will send photos and an update letter to the birth mother.  The birth mother in return, can request a visit in August with 30 days written notice.

Last month, when I asked about what to include when writing an update letter to the birth mother, there were a number of readers that had some great insight and experience. Please go back and read the comments – great suggestions!

One commenter did bring up the loss that a child has in not seeing their birth family until age 18.  I do agree that it is sad; however, every situation is unique.  I do believe that sometimes it is in a child’s best interest to NOT see birth family until they are an adult and old enough to handle what they might discover about their birth family and how contact could affect them.  This is the case with our Stinkpot.

Stinkpot’s birth family is extremely violent.  Scary violent.  A sibling was miscarried after the birth father kicked the mother in the abdomen.   They’ve put out their cigarettes in each others faces. It’s a vicious, crazy cycle of domestic violence.  And top that off with the drug use.

The violent nature came from somewhere. In the reports we’ve received on Stinkpot’s family, even a grandparent got involved a verbal altercation with the State agency about “harassing” the birth parent.  This is a grandparent that is currently raising Stinkpot’s sibling!  My fear is that his sibling will also become a violent adult.  Stinkpot certainly has that genetic disposition, and we take him to counseling to help us deal with it appropriately.

Last year, we had a prowler outside our home late one night. Our first thoughts were that Stinkpot’s birth parents found us and were scoping out our home. We later saw bio-mom & dad on the news for a violent crime.  Stinkpot’s birth parents are now in prison (where they belong).

The birth family wants contact with Stinkpot and have contacted the State about a visit and have even tried to search for us.  We do not want contact with this family.  It scares us!

I believe the grandparents could have negotiated a settlement with the State for limited contact if they would have known that they could.  I am sad that Stinkpot has grandparents that love him that he will not see.  I am sad that Stinkpot has a biological brother that he favors that he can’t play with as he grows up.

However, as his parents, we do believe that it is in Stinkpot’s best interest that he not have contact with his birth family until he is an adult, and then, only if he wants contact.

What situations do you believe that contact with birth family should not occur?

Entered in this week's I Heart Faces "whimsical" photo challenge

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It’s Me or the Blankie!

This week, our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, who we adopted through foster care, accidentally smashed his finger in a door.  The poor boy was screaming in pain as I ran to him.  He was screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”

As I scooped him in my arms, he continued screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”  As his mother, I wasn’t able to comfort him. I asked him, “Do you want Mommy to hold you or do you want Blankie?”

“I waaaaaannnnnttt Blankie!”

foster child attachment

Stinkpot at 10 months old with Blankie

Stinkpot’s attachment to Blankie has been one of the strongest forms of attachment of any child.

  • Blankie is the baby blanket given to his by the hospital of his birth.
  • Blankie was the only thing that he had when he was removed from his birth family at 8 months old.
  • Blankie with all its cigarette burn holes was probably his only consistent form of security during those 8 months of neglect.

As Stinkpot’s mother, on many occasions, I have felt that he is more attached to Blankie than me. And is some ways that could be true.

Because of Stinkpot’s behavior issues, I chose for the year 2011 to be a focus of transformation for Stinkpot and our family.

The first and foremost was TIME! I took leave from work to spend more time with Stinkpot, less time at work or on the computer, and more time focused on him! This has helped in that he now has a desire to be with me more.

Second, I participated in The Rockin’ Mama Challenge hosted by Lisa of A Bushel and a Peck.  The challenge was to rock our wounded little ones for 15 minutes EVERY day. The first few days were tough for our hyperactive 3-year-old; however, now he asks to be rocked almost every day.

He is still very attached to Blankie; however, last night, he left Blankie at church and did well sleeping with Cars Blankie! One step at a time!

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month

A Foster Parent’s Perspective – Preventing Child Abuse

When Penny asked me to write a guest blog for National Child Abuse Prevention month, I said ‘yes!’  Then I thought, ‘What have I done? ‘ I don’t know anything about child abuse Prevention. I know some about child abuse.  I know a little, and I stress little, more about dealing with abused children. But, prevention – not so much.

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So, here we are – National Child Abuse Prevention month. While I do not claim to be an expert in any sense of the word, I do believe that these thoughts are practical ways that will reach multiple generations, if we are willing to say yes.

My husband and I have been foster parents for the last 16 months.  Fostering has opened our eyes to a broken, overworked system that focuses on putting out immediate fires with little regard for long term consequences.   Please understand, the system is broken – not necessarily the people who work in the system.

One really great person that works in this system is the Child Advocate or CASA volunteer. We have the most amazing CASA volunteer and are blessed to be in a county that requires every child be assigned a volunteer.  The CASA volunteer’s job is simply to speak on behalf of the child.  Because, they are volunteers, they work with the kids because they WANT to, not because they have to.  These volunteers provide the child a voice, that isn’t looking out for their own interests – like attorneys, CPS, judges, etc.  So, what can you do?  If you are not a foster parent, sign up to be a volunteer.   Be the voice of an abused child and help prevent abuse for the next generation.

Our fostering process has had SO many ups and downs.  Our intention has always been that we would adopt one or more children through fostering, which is the riskiest decision we have ever made.  I’m not good at making relationship boundaries; I’m an “all in” kinda girl…which makes fostering SO hard for me. Anyway,  about 10 months into fostering our daughter, I had an epiphany.  While losing a child would be the worst loss of my life, I get the opportunity to lay a foundation of love, hope and joy for a child whose foundation would have been abuse, drugs, drama and who knows what else.  That, my friends, may be the ultimate way to personally impact the prevention of child abuse, the riskiest perhaps, but worth it.

So, remember at the beginning when I said we have to be willing to say yes?  Well, that may be the hardest part!

Melody, from I Heart…small kitchen appliances, is a wife, mom and children’s pastor who currently resides in the Greater Houston area.  She enjoys creating – food, crafts and organized chaos!  When she isn’t at home or church you will find her behind a 1929 baby grand practicing for a choral concert.

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6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

open-adoption-in-foster-care

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark).  I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now!  My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues.  We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything!  If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

Foster Care Open Adoption **Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness.  These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort).  Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart.  As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones.  As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary.  These children have been hurt once before.  Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears.  On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)!  After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings.  They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse.  Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long.  Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen.  NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state.  I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child.  After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother.  Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness.  Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.)  When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him.  (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship?  Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable!  Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level!   Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet.  Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them.  A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free.  It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids.  I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using…   Educate yourselves!  And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!!  Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations.  It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you.  Be honest in your dealings!  Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are.  They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!!  I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members.  Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us.  The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family.  They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time…  Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her.  Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children.  Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception.  Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries.  Some of our boundaries include:

  • No babysitting!
  • She is never alone with the girls.  We always do “family activities”.
  • No showing up without an invitation.
  • No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same!  If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place.  If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over.  If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them!  Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable.  Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all.  If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment.  If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children.  If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth.  Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back  in the situation where they originated from.  DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement!  Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option.  Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no.  (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!)   Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive.  Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship.  Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open.  Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact.  As parents, do what works best for your family!!  This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us.  We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much.  She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

Foster Care Open Adoption“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.”  Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another.  As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.

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Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
What a handsome little man he has become!
foster infant child kid adopting adopted
As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
Have a great weekend!

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BABY FOR FOSTER CARE ONLY…LATER ADOPTED!

On Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from CPS for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.However, this call from CPS changed our focus from that night forward.

A CPS investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the CPS investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

JD’s sick little eyes when he arrived

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his mother. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his paternal grandmother. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandmother, but she was already raising SIX of her other grandchildren!
Once the mother’s rights were terminated, the grandmother realized that we could provide more for the baby than she could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
Here he is on the day we adopted him!
What a handsome little man he is!
What a blessing he has been to our lives!

I’m Clever

Sway