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10:00 am by Penelope

Do You Drug Your Foster Kids?

Last week on 20/20, Diane Sawyer reported on medicating foster children.
video platformvideo managementvideo solutionsvideo player

Their report stated that foster kids are more than 13 times more likely to be prescribed psychotropic medications than the general population.

Psychotropic medications are scary to me, especially when young children are involved. In the story, the doctor in question sees a child for about 5 minutes before prescribing a mind-altering medication. How can a doctor really know what’s going on with a child in a short visit?

Effect of Anti-Depressants on a Child

At the age of 9, a close relative had to be hospitalized after a psychiatrist prescribed this child an anti-depressant — because he had been depressed for getting in trouble at church the night before. To say the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) – a class of antidepressant – caused severe side effects would be an understatement. This child lost bladder control, eye movement, and basically went manic when he was medicated with an SSRI. Before that, he was simply hyperactive.

She then diagnosed him as bi-polar. What? That kid was not bi-polar!  He went manic when medicated and simply pouted when he didn’t get his way. It took months to get the child stable again.

Would you believe, only 3 years later, this same psychiatrist again prescribed him an anti-depressant? — because he was feeling down after a parent moved out of town.  He had spoken with this psychiatrist for 5 minutes where she basically told him if he didn’t take the anti-depressants, he would have to go back into the hospital.   As she handed over the SSRI drug sample, I heard her say: “Now watch him closely because we don’t want him to go manic again.“

I wanted to say: “Quack, are you the one that’s nuts?“

Personal Experience with Anti-Depressants

My personal experience with psychotropic medications make me wary.  Nearly 10 years ago, after losing a loved one, I was prescribed the anti-depressant, Lexapro. I didn’t sleep for 2 days and then became panicked when I had the dry heaves after attempting to eat. At the hospital, the nurse was very familiar with my symptoms from Lexapro.  My anxiety doesn’t mix well with an SSRI like that.

A few years later, after discovering our infertility, my Ob-Gyn attempted to prescribe an anti-depressant for me; however, she gave me a blank look when I told her that I don’t handle SSRIs very well.  She shouldn’t be prescribing psychotropic medicine that quickly anyway – she was the wrong type of doctor for that!

Then, when a psychiatrist prescribed a cyclic anti-depressant for me, I slept. When I called about the side effect, he increased my dosage. I didn’t wake up for 2 days!  I made the choice to deal with my depression actively instead of with medication.  By exercising and focusing on other things, I am the happiest ever!

Medicating Our Traumatized Child

Needless to say, our decision to allow a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for our Stinkpot’s hyperactivity was difficult for us. We were pleased that the doctor first opted for a more conservative alternative before prescribing stronger Ritalin or Adderall.  However, I did cry as my Stinkpot adjusted. He did well for nearly a year.

He is now on a psychotropic medication to control his rages, and I watch him intently, constantly looking for side effects or problems. So far, his behavior is remarkably improved.  Before, it would take him 45 minutes to cycle through his rages.  Now his rages last between 2-3 minutes.

time in discipline

Our prayer is that as he matures and learns more self-control, he won’t need meds to help control his rages. We are also examining other avenues, such as play therapy, bonding, and allergies.

We have been fortunate in that he has been our only child prescribed psychotropic medications.

What has been your experience with psychotropic medications? Do you believe doctors are too quick to prescribe them?

10:00 am by Penelope

When Your Child Acts Out: Benefits of Play Therapy

 

Just when I was thinking that I had this parenting thing down, a week such as this occurs.  Our 4-year-old Stinkpot is a strong-willed little tyke and will quickly throw a fit to get his way.  Last year, he was thrown out of 2 daycares, and now, may be on his way to number 3.

Yesterday morning Stinkpot had a major meltdown at school. Growling, kicking, hitting, and spitting at the teacher. He was even biting himself! We’ve gone nearly a year without this type of incident.

The teachers are sympathetic, but shocked at his behavior. “He’s been corrected before and even had time-outs, and he’s never reacted like this before.”

I took off work and stayed home with him.  He was grouchier than usual, and growling.  I allowed him to take a long nap, and last night, the family had dinner at Burger King to allow him to “play out his energy.”

Here is the interesting part — This is the story he acted out in play therapy this morning:

Bad guys were taking babies, and Daddy and Mommy couldn’t fight off the bad guys. Luckily, after lots of fighting, the policemen and Batman eventually got the babies back! The story ended with Mommy, Daddy, Batman and Spiderman driving away with the babies.

A removal story as told through a child’s play! And what a happy ending!

It appears that the investigation into our foster boy Lil Bit’s broken arm is causing some deep fears in our Stinkpot due to his trauma in early life.

As we were leaving, I told Stinkpot that Lil Bit would be staying with us forever.  His reply was:

What about me?

I told him that he will always be with us forever.  He began questioning me, “Even when I’m bad?”

“Even when you do bad things. We love you and you are with us forever.”

Our job is to affirm our Stinkpot that he will be with us forever!

Fortunately, we meet with the adoption worker this weekend to begin the adoption process to become a forever family!

What ways do you affirm to your children that they will be with you forever?

___________

The giveaway winner of the Dinosaur Train Spooky Scavenger Hunt book from PBS Kids is:

Your Winner

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Author: amy deeter Comment: permalinki follow you on twitter

12:10 pm by Penelope

Night Terrors in Foster Children

A traumatic accident occurred last month that resulted in a friend drowning while vacationing in Tahiti. His funeral, 2 weeks later, was emotional for me and his numerous friends.

We traveled to Houston for the funeral, but before going home, we took a family outing to the Kemah Boardwalk, a restaurant smorgasbord accompanied by a small amusement park. After a sad event, I needed to see the smiles of my children.

At one point, with his petite hand outstretched with a small cracker, Stinkpot intently attempted to get close enough to a bird to feed it. When suddenly, in a flash, a seagull swooped down from above and snatched the cracker from our little boy’s hand, startling him. Stinkpot joined in our laughter.

After hours of fun, our Stinkpot quickly fell to sleep on the ride home. Then, after sleeping for 30 minutes, suddenly, he jerked awake as he yelled out, “Get away, birds!!!” Unbeknownst to us, our little boy had been traumatized!

Fortunately, Stinkpot didn’t have any other nightmares.

Night Terrors and our Foster Child

This wasn’t the case for our Blondie.  At 2 years old, she was excessively clingy and seemed to suffer from separation anxiety.  The first night was the worst with the wailing cries wanting someone she knew.  I wish I could say that it got better over the 3 months she stayed with us. It didn’t.

Each night after putting her to bed, before midnight, we heard her. Crying and screaming, running through the house, waking everyone. This occurred every single night. For three months!

foster-child-night-terrors

Symptoms of Night Terrors

Blondie exhibited the typical symptoms of night terrors. According to Dr. Alan Greene, night terrors can occur in up to 15% of toddlers and preschoolers and are different than nightmares. Symptoms include:

  • Screaming
  • Crying
  • Appearing to be awake
  • Running through the house disoriented
  • Occurs during the first 90 minutes of sleep

Coping with Night Terrors

  • Don’t awaken the child
  • Rock and hold the child to comfort
  • Say encouraging words such as: “I’m here.” and “You’re safe.”

Preventing Night Terrors

  • Ensure that your child is getting enough sleep
  • Maintain a consistent, calming bedtime routine
  • Note the time night terrors usually begin and wake the child a few minutes before
  • Keep a diary to see if you can determine a particular “trigger”

Sadly, I didn’t know about the techniques you can use to help prevent the night terrors.

Have you ever had a foster child that experienced night terrors???  What did you do?

10:00 am by Penelope

Are You Really a Mom If You Have No Kids?

When my recent placements moved on and my house and arms were empty,  I started asking myself a simple, yet profound question —  Is it possible to be a Mom and no kids?  I mean, what does it mean to be a mom?  So, I did what any self respecting 31 year-old would do, I opened my laptop and googled the word Mom.  I found my answer, kind of.  Even Wikipedia, the go to definer of words, sounded stumped.

Here is part of what they had to say:

“A mother, mom, mum, momma or mama, is a woman who has raised a child (to whom she may or may not have given birth) in the role of parent.  Because of the complexity and differences of a mother’s social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition.  The proverbial “first word” of an infant often sounds like “ma” or “mama.” This strong association of that sound with “mother” has persisted in nearly every language on earth, countering the natural localization of language.”

To sum it up, motherhood is more than giving birth, and it’s really complex to define.  I’d say.

There are many women I know struggle with this question – and with the empty house and arms.

  • women who miscarried
  • women who attended the funerals of their children
  • women waiting for “the call”
  • women who foster other people’s children
  • women whose children have grown and flown the nest
  • women who chose to place their children for adoption
  • women who had their children removed from their care and placed with another

And for all these women and for myself, here is the conclusion.  Your full or empty house doesn’t define who you are.   Loving and losing a child, doesn’t “demote” you from Mom to something else.  Loving a child who isn’t in your arms yet doesn’t either.  Your love and actions do.  Selflessness, compassion, love and that protective “mama bear-ness” are parts that make up a mom.

If you love a child more than yourself, you are a mom.  If you would do anything for the safety, wellbeing and joy of this child, you are a mom.  I like how Elizabeth Stone puts it when describing motherhood,  “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  However I would expand it to say, “Making the decision to LOVE a child is momentous…”

So love selflessly, compassionately and protectively on, my fellow mothers.  Our children, wherever they are, will thank us.

This post was written by Alisa, a young single foster mom, psychology nut, photographer and lover of Jesus.  You can follow her thoughts on motherhood, fostering and the church, on the blog,  Attempting Agape: The journey of attempting agape (unconditional) love for children by being a foster mom.

Wanted: Information on Foster Care License

Foster2Forever is compiling a list of websites that discuss the process to become a licensed foster home. We will post the list on September 29th. We currently have 5 posts ready to publish. Is yours on the list?

10:00 am by Penelope

Called to Foster

Today, I’d like to introduce all of you to a fellow foster parent that was “Called to Foster.”
Called to Foster
Momma is someone that I “met” online; however, by chatting through email discovered some connections in real life. She used to live in my hometown and now, after moving, is a neighbor to a blog friend I met at Bloggy Boot Camp last October. (Check out Rachel’s Quirky Momma website if you have toddlers or preschoolers – lots of fun activities!)

I LOVE Momma’s Called to Foster website! You can tell she’s a journalist and talented writer. She has an incredible talent to write about what is happening in her life as a foster parent and then ties it together with applicable tips on how to make foster parenting a bit easier.  Here are some of my favorite posts!

Foster Care FAQ’s – Answers to basic questions for those considering becoming foster parents.

It Takes a Village to Raise a Foster Child – How anyone can become part of the village to help children in foster care.

10 Pre-Placement Questions – A list of things you may want to ask when you receive “the call”.  [I added 2 more in the comments]

Losing “Home” – A beautiful comparison relating the selling of her grandparents’ home to children leaving their homes.

Giving “Guilt Love” on the Harder Days – I could really relate to this heart-breaking story of when a foster child just doesn’t fit in your family.  [It brought me to tears and really made me miss my Blondie]

Have you found any websites that you’d like to share?

10:51 am by Penelope

Guest Post: Letting Go When Foster Children Leave

Two of foster care placements were especially hard on our family. One was our first placement, a baby girl just two days old who was with our family for 5 ½ months. The other was our third placement and our longest to date at nine months. He was placed with us at 4 days old. He is going home today. To say that those wounds are fresh would be an understatement. Saying goodbye is not easy for me. Sure bonding comes with each child at their own time. One of my favorite posts is by Noisy. Colorful. Livel. “Attachment, where’s the Velcro when you need it.” With these little ones, the newborn babes, bonding is effortless for me. Give me a baby to hold in my arms and they are mine. Loved! Adored!

When we first started foster care we thought that adoption would come up at some point. That eventually we would adopt and we were happy when that day came. We had a young son in the home and weren’t too anxious to have any permanent newcomer. Oh, what a difference a day can make. From the moment these little ones were in our home I did not want to let them go. However, when you sign up as a foster parent, you sign up to support family reunification first. So of course that day came when I was forced to let go.goodbye-foster-children

In the case of our first placement, Little Miss, she wasn’t returned home. Instead a local Native American tribe took jurisdiction on the case since her birth mother had enrolled with them just after giving birth. Under the ICWA laws I did not have first choice after family was ruled out because I do not have any considerable Native American history. Her loss was devastating to say the least. I remember crying my eyes out after she left. I also remember feeling completely normal and putting those feelings of grief aside. It wasn’t until later when another Native American little girl was placed with us that those feelings of loss crept up and overwhelmed me. It is completely normal to feel the different stages of loss. It is important to validate your feelings and talk about them.

Little Dude, who is the baby who is going home today, was placed with me the day after I found out I was losing Little Miss. In some ways I had hope that he was some blessing from on high. A way to make up for the loss of our sweet baby girl. His case has been up and down. There were times I was certain adoption would happen. I prayed it would. Hope kept being drawn-out as extensions in the case were granted. However, all concerns with his biological family were resolved and he was able to return to his father. I am still in shock. Letting go is not easy. But I do know that it is possible. That I can love again.

Foster parenting is incredibly rewarding and, honestly, I wouldn’t trade these experiences. I am growing so much as a person – and more importantly as a Mother.

You can read all about Foster Mama’s foster care and adoption adventures over at:  Foster Mama & the kiddos.  She and her husband have been foster parents for just over a year and in that time have had five placements. Sadly, they have said goodbye to four of them.

10:53 am by Penelope

Oh, What a {Mother’s} Day!!!

Our 3-year-old son, Stinkpot, made yesterday a difficult day.  He simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed – at 3 in the morning!!! He burst into our room screaming at me, “You left me alone! You left me alone!”

“Come here, Stinkpot.”

“NO! Go back to my room!’

He was inconsolable! Screaming and flailing on the floor.

Maybe it was a mistake on our part, but to encourage him to stay in his bed all night, the “Bed Fairy” brings candy if he wakes up in his bed in the morning.

WOW! He was NOT going to be anywhere but in his bed in the morning.

FosterDad took him back to his room and comforted him back to sleep. When Stinkpot woke again at 8 a.m., he seemed to be in a better mood…

But wait! There’s more!

After breakfast, he began a morning tirade, that kept us from attending church. (why risk him going off on his classmates?)

He finally took a morning nap, and the day went better.

When we were able to go to lunch, I made the decision again this year that I wanted my Mother’s Day lunch to be enjoyable so……

Enjoying Chuck E. Cheese. Isn't the baby getting big?

WE WENT TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!! Again this year.

(You MUST read about how FosterDad was upset at me last year for choosing Chuck E. Cheese for my Mother’s Day lunch)

It’s becoming a tradition.

How was your Mother’s Day????

11:11 am by Penelope

No Time-Out???

Many foster children are removed from their families for physical abuse. Not simply spankings, but beatings! Bruises, marks, and scars!

These darling children come to live in our foster home after this abuse. They are perfect little angels, and you wonder how did this happen.

For a little while. And then: DEMANDS, FITS, HITTING, WHINING – the behaviors that would challenge the Dalai Lama…

These children NEED structure, boundaries, discipline…

As a foster parent, you CANNOT spank!

1-2-3-TIME OUT!!! Yes! That’s it! The perfect method to discipline a child.

I’m going out on a limb to say “NO”!

time-in-discipline

As readers of this website may know, our 3-year-old son adopted through foster care is the master of fit-throwing. (Yesterday, as I was driving down the road, he was throwing Easter eggs at me from the back seat. I threw them out the window as he threw them at me. Observers probably thought the Easter bunny was driving by.)

We institute the 1-2-3 time-out as discipline for misbehavior. However, this week, I did something different.

time in discipline“NO! You are not getting candy for supper! Stop hitting me and go sit in your father’s lap right now and tell him what you did was wrong!”

Would you believe it calmed him down sooner, and he behaved the rest of the evening?

A TIME-IN! Time-In Discipline?

Last year, we had a 12-year-old foster child, Big Helper, whose mother had voluntarily given up her children instead of divorcing her incarcerated husband. (I don’t get it either)

Big Helper was dealing with intense feelings of the ultimate rejection.  I began to notice that her most intense breakdowns occurred after she got in trouble. At one point, she even ran away one evening while I was out-of-town on business. Apparently, the time-out form of discipline was another rejection to her, and she simply was emotionally overwhelmed.

I didn’t know anything of a time-in until just before she left us.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

11:00 am by Penelope

Feelings and Emotions of Abused Children {Blog Hop}

During April, National Child Abuse Prevention month, Foster2Forever will be hosting a link-up on topics in regard to the abused and neglected children that we, as foster parents, bring into our home.

This week’s topic is Feelings/Emotions.

You can write a new post or just go ahead and add a post from the past! Foster2Forever will feature one blogger next week!

Last week’s topic of bonding with our foster children had some really great posts – it was difficult to choose one to feature. However, Quacken Baby’s post on the attachment exercises she performs with her child really opened my eyes on the different games we can play with our kids to form healthy attachments slowly, if need be. The post is labeled as a “Must Read” and it is!

Future topics:

April 18-23 Challenges/Loss/Trauma/Neglect

April 25-30 Overcoming the Past

Feel free to grab the code and add this blog hop to your website.

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