Foster2Forever

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ANOTHER Investigation of Our Foster Home

A few weeks ago, our 2-year-old foster boy, Lil Bit, climbed onto a dining room chair while our backs were turned and broke his elbow…for a second time! Yes, the exact same elbow!  After our 26-hour hospital ordeal, we knew what was coming next….

The following Wednesday evening at church, as we were enjoying a catered meal of smoked barbecue brisket, Cole slaw, potato salad, and Oreo cookie pie, FosterDad’s cell phone began chirping its techno song alerting him that he was receiving a call.

It was an investigator with Child Protection Services: he was at our home!  FosterDad, always the quick-thinker never wanting to miss a church service, invited the investigator to our church to conduct the interview before our Bible study began.  Lo and behold, it was the same investigator!

FosterDad sat in the sanctuary for his part of the interview while I was herding preschoolers.  (With their affinity to climb onto the pulpit, one would believe they would have an early calling to minister.  My personal belief is that it is an act of defiance!)

Finally, we were able to drop the kids off into their classrooms, it was my turn for the interrogation interview.

The interview process took longer than I anticipated so I was going to be late for class; however, to complete the investigation, the investigator had to visit our home.  So much for “Staying in Love” this week.

I drove home, showed him the infamous dining room chair.

“Sir, notice that we have no coffee table in our living room, just a lone rug amongst the sofa suit. That is because our dear foster child is a climber.”

I even showed him how we have the coffee table lying on its side in a closed-off room. “We are doing our best to keep this child safe.”

By the end of the interview, the investigator says: “My daughter is the same age, and she is a climber, too. Just this weekend, I caught her by her shirt before she hit the floor.”

I feel much more calm about this investigation report….

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Connecting on the Internet

Extreme Makeover

As you can see, Foster2Forever had a makeover.  New logo and new look for the site. (Also a new wordpress theme that I will have to learn.)  The navigation menu now has a drop-down menu so you can find topics easier. I’m still trying to figure out the header…

Also, social media buttons include Foster2Forever’s Twitter (do you tweet?) and Foster2Forever’s StumbleUpon which lists blog posts from the blogosphere that I find interesting.  Take a look and some of my discoveries! Are you a Stumbler?

Be honest, what do you think? Too different? Easier to navigate?

Facebook Changes

Yesterday, Facebook changed.  Here are some of the photos that have been scrolling down my Facebook wall.

Even Twitter had the hashtag #newfacebook trending all day. What Facebook did was take apart the News Feed and put your “Top Stories” at the top of the feed and friend’s activities to the top right.  Those items were there, but just buried in the news feed.  So I guess I am in the minority in saying that the change hasn’t really affected me much.  Are you upset about the Facebook changes?

Foster2Forever Facebook Page

Yesterday, I posted this photo on Foster2Forever’s Facebook page and asked y’all to guess what it was a photo of.

The surgical pins keeping our Lil Bit's elbow together. Yuk!

I didn’t realize that those things stick out like that! No wonder the doctor said he could take those out at the office.  Ew! Our LilBit will have those things in for at least another 2 weeks and will be wearing a cast for another month after that. Are you one of our friends on Foster2Forever’s Facebook page? After this photo, are you regretting it?  Sorry if you are grossed out! As a Biologist, I was curious…

Wanted: Information on Foster Care License

Foster2Forever is compiling a list of websites that discuss the process to become a licensed foster home. We will post the list on September 29th. We currently have 5 posts ready to publish. Is yours on the list?

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Are You Really a Mom If You Have No Kids?

When my recent placements moved on and my house and arms were empty,  I started asking myself a simple, yet profound question —  Is it possible to be a Mom and no kids?  I mean, what does it mean to be a mom?  So, I did what any self respecting 31 year-old would do, I opened my laptop and googled the word Mom.  I found my answer, kind of.  Even Wikipedia, the go to definer of words, sounded stumped.

Here is part of what they had to say:

“A mother, mom, mum, momma or mama, is a woman who has raised a child (to whom she may or may not have given birth) in the role of parent.  Because of the complexity and differences of a mother’s social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to define a mother to suit a universally accepted definition.  The proverbial “first word” of an infant often sounds like “ma” or “mama.” This strong association of that sound with “mother” has persisted in nearly every language on earth, countering the natural localization of language.”

To sum it up, motherhood is more than giving birth, and it’s really complex to define.  I’d say.

There are many women I know struggle with this question – and with the empty house and arms.

  • women who miscarried
  • women who attended the funerals of their children
  • women waiting for “the call”
  • women who foster other people’s children
  • women whose children have grown and flown the nest
  • women who chose to place their children for adoption
  • women who had their children removed from their care and placed with another

And for all these women and for myself, here is the conclusion.  Your full or empty house doesn’t define who you are.   Loving and losing a child, doesn’t “demote” you from Mom to something else.  Loving a child who isn’t in your arms yet doesn’t either.  Your love and actions do.  Selflessness, compassion, love and that protective “mama bear-ness” are parts that make up a mom.

If you love a child more than yourself, you are a mom.  If you would do anything for the safety, wellbeing and joy of this child, you are a mom.  I like how Elizabeth Stone puts it when describing motherhood,  “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  However I would expand it to say, “Making the decision to LOVE a child is momentous…”

So love selflessly, compassionately and protectively on, my fellow mothers.  Our children, wherever they are, will thank us.

This post was written by Alisa, a young single foster mom, psychology nut, photographer and lover of Jesus.  You can follow her thoughts on motherhood, fostering and the church, on the blog,  Attempting Agape: The journey of attempting agape (unconditional) love for children by being a foster mom.

Wanted: Information on Foster Care License

Foster2Forever is compiling a list of websites that discuss the process to become a licensed foster home. We will post the list on September 29th. We currently have 5 posts ready to publish. Is yours on the list?

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Another Investigation

For those of you that don’t follow Foster2Forever on Facebook or Twitter, our family had another traumatic event this weekend concerning our Lil Bit.

Our Lil Bit is 2 years old now, and he is a climber. We have removed the coffee table and end table from our living room for this reason. He is even using his potty chair–as a step stool.  We are constantly getting on to him.  However, we need to grow eyes on the backs of our heads…

On Saturday evening, while our backs were turned, Lil Bit climbed onto a dining room chair and fell onto the tile floor. Onto his previously fractured elbow. Snap!

The Saturday night at the hospital crowd caused us to have a L-O-N-G wait. It must have been “Bring Your Kid to the ER for a Runny Nose” Day at the hospital. (The doctor shared this with me.)  The x-ray showed a much worse fracture than the first – one that would require surgery – that night! At another hospital.

At 11 p.m. on Saturday night, our Lil Bit had his first, hopefully last, ride in an ambulance as he was transferred to Scott and White in Temple.

ambulance-child-seat

Lil Bit had 5 orthopedic specialists working on fixing his little arm. The doctors were concerned about nerve damage that could affect his ability to grasp. After numerous x-rays and consultations, we finally got into a hospital room at 5 a.m. with surgery scheduled for 8 a.m.

Time for a quick power nap!

Did I mention that our other son, JD, was with us? Awake the entire night!  However, he had slept 6 hours before we took him to Temple.

We awoke at 7 a.m. when Lil Bit was wheeled down to the operating room for the 8 a.m. surgery. The surgery lasted 45 minutes plus the surgeons were able to correct the fracture from last time.

Lil Bit slept most of Sunday so he wasn’t discharged from the hospital until last night.  He slept well last night and is playing and laughing this morning.

We’ve reported the injury and now just waiting for the next investigation into our foster home….

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WANTED: Information on Foster Care License

Happy Labor Day!

We hope that you are enjoying your “last weekend of summer”.  Here in Texas, we are finally getting cooler temperatures.  Cooler actually is less than 100 degrees.

Last night, I actually sat on the front porch, enjoying the breeze, and began reading a wonderfully written best-selling novel about a couple’s journey through infertility and adoption. On September 22nd, I am joining the SITS Girls Book Club and the author for an online discussion. Will you join me???

Now, onto this month’s Foster Focus on getting a foster care license.

A few months ago, I detailed our journey to become a licensed foster home that included travel to 3 towns and over 1,800 miles of driving.

During that 4 post series, there were a lot of comments discussing the similarities and differences on becoming a licensed foster home.  State vs. Private agency, PRIDE vs. MAPP, etc.

This month, Foster2Forever would like to compile all those different requirements into a large list post to share on Thursday, September 29th as a resource for all of our foster care readers everywhere. (maybe in a blog hop format for everyone to share on their blogs?)

Have you already written about your licensing journey? Then share the link below in the comments!

If not, get writing! Then, send the link to your blog post through our CONTACT page.

If you wrote a series of posts, as I did, then you can send the link to the first post and link it to subsequent posts, OR write a post listing each of the posts.

If you feel comfortable, please share what state (or country) you are in and whether you are licensed through the State or through a private agency.

I am so excited!!!  Will you join in???

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10 Stress Management Tips for Parents

Are you a stressed-out parent?

Most parents would declare a resounding, “YES“! Add to that the stress of parenting foster children that have suffered through neglect and other abuse. Haunted by their traumas, foster children can act out with behaviors difficult for us, as parents, to understand or manage. The resulting stress can be overwhelming sometimes.

Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS) is defined as the “stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” STS is commonly referred to as Compassion Fatigue.

stress-management-techniques-tipsFoster parents are especially at risk for developing STS due to:

  • Having empathy for foster children; and
  • Not having enough recovery time.

As a foster parent, you might be suffering from STS if:

  • Acting and/or feeling in ways that are not normal for you;
  • Feelings of anger, sadness, depression, or anxiety that last longer than usual;
  • Having nightmares similar to the type of trauma that your foster children have experienced;
  • Avoiding places or people out of fear for your foster children.

The signs of stress can be physical, mental, or behavioral.  These may include:

  • Tight muscles
  • Feeling anxious, forgetful, sad, confused, angry
  • Lack of caring for others
  • Mood swings
  • Laziness
  • Irritability
  • Over or under eating

There are a number of ways that you can combat stress in your life.

  1. Exercise. Last year, I started the Couch Potato to 5K (c25k) program and now try to run/walk for at least 30 minutes 2-3 times a week.  (I jog 2 minutes, then walk 1 minute and have gone as far as 8 miles using this method. I DON’T run 30 minutes straight.)  I have completed a number of 5ks and am training for a half-marathon in November using the Galloway walk/run program.  I can feel my self-esteem improving with every milestone. Do you have any exercise goals?
  2. Eat Properly. I do not eat as well as I should, but have been more self-conscious of the foods I eat. I have a chef salad for lunch most days and have added more olive oil to my diet.  I begin the Weight Watchers Points Plus program in 2 weeks!
  3. Journaling. Having this website allows me the opportunity to write out my frustrations of being a foster parent. Do you blog or journal?
  4. Join a Support Group. The wonderful readers that comment here on foster2forever are my support group. Thank you!!! In the next few weeks, I will be adding a community to the website so that we can chat and support one another more. So excited! Do you have a support group?
  5. Ask for Respite Care. A few weeks ago, FosterDad and I took respite care and enjoyed our time away from the kids to reconnect and just relax and focus on the 2 of us.  Sadly, we do not regularly schedule time together and I believe we need time away again! Scheduling weekly date nights is the next goal!
  6. Family Fun. When we do fun things with the kids that allow them to be kids, we ALL feel better.  We need to schedule this more often! Last night, Stinkpot enjoyed playing baseball with FosterDad in the 102 heat. Maybe a trip to the beach this weekend?
  7. Massage. I get tension headaches when I’m stressed and can feel it in my shoulders and neck.  When pain killers just aren’t doing the trick, I take a quick trip to the mall to the massage kiosk and pay the little Asian man $12 to massage my neck and shoulders. Works every time!
  8. Yoga and/or Meditation. I haven’t practiced yoga in a few years, but the stretching and meditation through counting helped me relax tremendously. Also, this incredible meditation audio CD by Susie Mantell is the BEST!!! She gets you so relaxed, then asks you to think about what’s bothering you. Each time, I’m so relaxed that I can’t think of anything!  I’ve only been able to stay awake through the entire CD once.
  9. Music. Add music to your life. Nothing can change my mood quicker than music. My kids love music too. Singing to my kids also helps them during tense times.
  10. Acceptance. Learn to accept your children. Our Stinkpot is an extremely strong-willed child. As I was reading Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child, Dr. MacKenzie pointed out that it is the nature of the strong-willed child to test, test, test everything. Once I realized that it was Stinkpot’s job to test me, I was able to better accept it, anticipate it and cope with it.

Are you stressed? Take this test.

How do manage your stress?

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Our Foster Child Still Lags Behind

Early Childhood InterventionOur foster child, Lil Bit, turned 2 years old last week!  He has grown so much from that 3-month-old infant brought to us nearly 2 years ago. However, he still seems to be a bit behind other toddlers his age.

Last weekend, we attended a birthday party for his class at day care. All the children in his class have birthdays within a month.  As I was watching the other children at the party, I realized just how far behind the others he actually is.

Although Lil Bit is receiving speech therapy through Early Childhood Intervention, other children his age:

  • Have a much larger vocabulary,
  • Talking in short sentences, and
  • Are in the advanced stages of potty-training.

Also, during the party, he would not let me put him down. (my back is killing me this week from carrying around the 25-pound little tike for 3 hours)

I realize that each child is an individual and develops an their own individual rate.  However, it saddens me for him.

Will he struggle to keep up his entire life or will he eventually catch up?

I realize that God has a perfect plan for our Lil Bit, but I do struggle during the mean time…

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

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Enrich Your Marriage – Respite Care is for You!

Marriage is tough! Marriage with kids is tougher! Marriage with foster kids is possibly the toughest all-around!

Having a revolving-door family, as sometimes couples have in foster care, can leave foster parents so busy and exhausted that sometimes respite care can become necessary for foster parents to be their best.

Respite care is a temporary resting period or break for caregivers.  In Texas, respite child-care is defined as care lasting longer than 72 hours.  (Therefore, shorter periods of care are not regulated as respite child-care.)

Last weekend, FosterDad and I took a long-overdue couples’ getaway! My sister provided the respite care of our 2-year-old foster boy, Lil Bit, and our 4-year-old, Stinkpot for the long weekend.

It was FosterDad’s birthday, so I surprised him with a trip to East Texas where he attended college for 2 years. Online, I found a bed and breakfast in the small town of Jefferson for $150 for 2 nights.

We stayed at the lovely Steamboat Inn.

View of hallway looking out.

We stayed in the masculine Mens Room

When I chose Jefferson, I had no idea the incredible history and all this small Texas town of only 2,000 folks has to offer!  Jefferson is in northeast Texas and was the riverport to the Texas frontier in the 1800’s.  You wouldn’t think that now; however, a huge log jam on the Red River connected the town to the Mississippi River and the ports of St. Louis and New Orleans, making the town an important Texas port abuzz with steamboats. The log jam was blown up in 1873 and riverboat traffic all but ceased. What is left is a quaint, little small town that is now the Bed & Breakfast Capital of Texas with over 30 active bed & breakfast inns.

We strolled along the brick roads, enjoying all the historic markers and homes, visiting the antique shops and the Jefferson General Store.  We had a romantic dinner at the charming Stillwater Inn and even took a romantic moonlight ride in a surrey with fringe on top!!!

Spending the weekend focusing on us as a couple will help us be better parents. Just in time, since school starts Monday!

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Is Foster Care Adoption Risky?

When we began working in foster care over fifteen years ago there was very little risk involved for us. We worked in a group home and had no intentions of adopting any of the children who came through our home. Most of the kids were teenagers and not looking for a forever family, but a safe place to live. We were a mere step along their path to adulthood. We were fine with that.

foster-care-adoption-risks

A few years ago our hearts changed and we opened our own home as a foster home. This time, our intentions were to adopt through foster care. We have been licensed with our current foster care agency since November of 2010. One week after our license was approved we received “the call.” We were told upfront that our family would have to be open to adoption to accept the referral, but adoption could not be guaranteed. We accepted the referral and three days later we held our brand new baby girl, our “Sweet Potato Pie”  in our arms.

Foster Care Can Be Messy

Not unlike many other cases in foster care, the story of her family is a mess. This particular case is complicated with siblings, family placements and an individual who has used his political influence to misrepresent the parents. It is recommended by the state agency and the Foster Care Review Board for us to hire an attorney of our own to fight for parental termination of rights. The state is also pursuing this outcome.

In this case, our state adoptions agency has not completed the adoption home study packet. We began that process at the same time we applied for foster care. While we are in the process of being licensed to adopt our girl specifically, we still lack the final approval simply due to shortages of staff to handle the high caseloads.

Foster Parent Hires An Attorney

Hiring an attorney may get us closer to our sweet girl being legally free for adoption, but it will not guarantee us the ability to be the ones to adopt her. Legally, we could tie up thousands of dollars out of our pocket, only to have her returned to her parent due to political favors. Emotionally, our hearts could be broken. Realistically, this is foster care! Anytime you take a foster child into your home, you have no legal guarantees that you will be able to adopt your child. The state has the authority to move foster children at any time. Judges have the authority to send children back to their biological families. Foster children can be moved into placement with relatives who show up two years into placement.

Even with all of the legal risks, foster children deserve a safe and loving home to live in, even if it is only temporary. Legally, you may not have a guarantee for permanency, but you have the opportunity to invest your time and attention into a child who has lost their family. No matter the legal risk, the foster care system can not function without the support of loving foster homes.

Joy is a small town Mom with big girl dreams. She and her husband, Barry, have two biological children Jordan (13) and Riley (11)  and one beautiful foster baby girl, “Sweet Potato Pie” (9 months).  Joy is a writer and stay at home Mom advocating for foster care, families and sight for children with visual disabilities.

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