Foster2Forever

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Lil Bit’s Baby Brother – Isn’t He More than Just a Check?

If you follow on Facebook and Twitter, you know that we had the incredible blessing of meeting Lil Bit’s precious 4-month-old baby brother this weekend! Remember him? Remember 2 days before Lil Bit’s adoption, we received a placement call to foster this newborn brother being released from the hospital?

A decision that tore me up inside when we declined.  Worry consumed me until we discovered that Baby Brother had been placed in a home anxiously awaiting an infant for adoptive placement.

This weekend, we inadvertently enrolled in the same training class with Baby Brother’s foster mom.  Baby Brother looks like his older brother – and just as cuddly and sweet.  He is blessed to have a family that loves him.

However, our boys have half-siblings that aren’t as lucky.  Those other siblings were placed with a “friend” of the birthmother.  Remember the Cons, that were determined to take Lil Bit, since all it would cost them was a “shiny, new cell phone.”  Still determined to add to their “family”, they have been wining & dining birthmom at the Golden Corral.

All the previous children have been labeled as “disabled” so that the Cons can demand larger subsidy checks. The children are all encouraged to perform poorly in school.  It breaks my heart for these children that can only live up to their “disability”.

During our case, CPS adamantly opposed placement with the Cons; however, they flip-flopped their position in Baby Brother’s case.

The CPS policy of “family first” had them attempting multiple times to remove Baby Brother from a loving home to a placement with his half-siblings. Even though his half-siblings are in an uncaring environment, used only for a check.

The good news is that Baby Brother is staying put – TPR is complete – and adoption is the plan.

And the other big news is…

ultrasound

Not me….Birthmother….again!!!

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Cleaning House: Confessions of a Neurotic Foster Mom

Dust My Broom

Photo by Michael Goodin

Ok, I admit it. I am not a great housekeeper. I try. I really do, but I’m just not that good at it. Now don’t get me wrong. My home isn’t a huge mess but it’s never quite clean either. It seems like by the time I get done cleaning one room all the rest have started to get messed up again. When we decided to become foster parents this was a source of great anxiety for me. We had workers coming and going every month and I had this idea that they expected my house to be spotless. I feared that if they happened to come by one day and saw dirty dishes in my sink that they would try to take the kiddos away.

This is how it would usually go down. One of our social workers would call and ask if they could come by later that afternoon. I would say, “Of Course!” because I didn’t want them to think I was ever not ready for a visit. Then I would clean nonstop until time for their visit. I would clean until my home was unnaturally clean for a home with children. Then the social worker would come by, we’d have a great visit, and once she left I’d sigh with relief that I managed to get everything done.

Then one day it happened. We had a surprise visit. At 8am I hear a knock at the door. I panic as I look around and see the breakfast dishes still on the table, toys all over the place, and my floor not vacuumed. There was nothing I could do but let her in. Believe it or not she didn’t even mention the condition of my house. As she was getting ready to leave I apologized for what a mess the house was and she said,”Honey, your house looks fine. I was starting to wonder if the kids actually stayed here. It always looks too clean for a house with four children.” At that moment I realized the obvious. They know I’m human. They know that I have four kiddos and that some of those kiddos are coming from hard places. They don’t care if my house is spotless. They only care that it’s safe and filled with love for these kiddos. I’ve got that covered.

So, if you are considering foster care but are worried because you’re aren’t exactly a Martha Stewart type, put those fears aside. I may not be the perfect mom but my kiddos love me and to them I’m good enough.

transracial-foster-care-adoptionBecky Johnson is a happy wife and proud mommy of four, both by birth and foster care adoption. Because two of her adoptions have been transracial, her family often gets mistaken for a daycare or church group when out in public. Life in the Johnson home is fun, chaotic, and definitely blessed. Read more about Becky’s family at http://averyblessedmommy.blogspot.com

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Love From a Birthmother

I’ve begun receiving hate mail. Yes, it’s true. In my naivety, I didn’t think that raising abused and neglected children would be something anyone could hate. However, a community of birthmothers, angry at the foster care system, have attempted on numerous occasions to lash out at me and other foster parents for our role in the system. Although sometimes shocked by their harsh words, I do realize that they are hurting. I pray for healing for these birthfamilies.

However, not all birthfamilies despise foster families.

Some birthfamilies are grateful for the care foster parents give their children. I recently received this comment from a birthmother:

I would like to know how to let my kids’ foster family know how much they mean to me and that they will always be family to me and my kids. They have been with them for 2 years and they are now coming home. These people have been wonderful to me, my kids and my new baby.  Without them, none of this (reunification) would be able to happen.

I was really close with them until we got the news the kids would be coming home . I am sure they are crushed. I just want them to know they will always be Mama H and Daddy S to the kids as well as their kids’ brother and sister.

Can anyone tell me the best way to go about this please?

My reply was: “a simple card with a letter stating how you feel should help them through the healing process.”

What are your thoughts?  How can a birthmother show love and appreciation to foster parents?

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Are You Martha Stewart? Or Hoarders?

They wanted to become foster parents and felt that it was their calling.  They had researched and were felt they were ready to begin the process to become foster parents. But what was holding them back?

Here is an excerpt from an email I received from a concerned reader:

“I have an issue that is holding me back from asking questions from an agency: I am terrified of the home study. I know that isn’t uncommon, and I realize much of it has to do with where chemicals are kept, and smoke detectors. But the thing I am worried about is, do they expect me to be Martha Stewart, or even her distant cousin? I do not enjoy housework. But I do it. I am not a neat freak, but I do like knowing where things are. I sort in piles, shuffling back and forth until the paperwork is finally ready to be filed AFTER each billed paid, every business called, every extra envelope discarded. We have lived in this house for a year, and I still have a few boxes that are stored mementos to go through and find homes for, because we don’t have the same amount of storage here as we did at our previous home.”

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to be the Perfect Parent

I shared with Jo how  I’m no Martha Stewart either.  I do struggle with the mounds of paperwork that comes with being a foster parent in addition to the bills and such from just running a household.  And please don’t look in my closet! Or my bathroom counter. {However, I am finding some great organization ideas on Pinterest!}

I did share that although you don’t have to be perfect, you do have to abide by the rules. You do have to keep cleaning products out of kids reach. We have baby locks on cabinets. You do have to lock medicines (we hired a locksmith to install a keyed lock on the medicine cabinet).
Also, our caseworker regularly checks to make sure that there are no dirty dishes out and that foods in the fridge are covered.

You can't be a Hoarder!

So, dear readers, what advice would you share in regard to the topic of housekeeping?

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Why We Fought For Our Foster Child

Our foster child, Lil Bit, has a birth family that loves him.  Lil Bit wasn’t abused or neglected.  He had a family member that expressed interest in adopting him that had an approved home study.

Have you seen the movie Losing Isaiah? Click image to view the movie trailer.

So, why in the world would you steal this foster baby from his family?

We have been accused of this.  However, as his foster parents, we felt it was our duty to keep this baby SAFE.

Even if it was unpopular.

Even if the State was against us.

Even if the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA or GAL) was against us.

Even if the foster child’s Ad Litem Attorney was against us.

Even if it cost us thousands of dollars, which it did. (Thank goodness for the adoption tax credit!)

So , why did you go through all the hassle and expense to keep this foster baby?

Again, to keep this baby SAFE.

To back up, Lil Bit was taken away from his birth mother when she got into a physical altercation with her grandmother.

This violence occurred while birth mom was holding 3-month-old Lil Bit in her arms.

The grandmother (Lil Bit’s great-grandmother) threw the first punch at birth mom while she was holding the baby!

If that’s not bad enough, the grandmother pushed birth mom onto the bed and tried to physically take Lil Bit out of her arms!

They were playing tug-of-war with an infant!

After removal, Lil Bit’s great-aunt told the State that she would be willing to adopt him and went through the process of a home study, which their home passed.



So, if the foster baby could go live with a relative – why would you steal this baby from his family?

Simple answer:  There was one sentence in the great-aunt’s home study.  That one sentence made us want to fight to keep this baby and spend whatever it took:

The grandmother (that struck the birth mom) babysits the great-aunt’s kids after school and during the summer!

But the home study didn’t consider this. It should have!

Other factors in our decision included:

  • Prior investigation into the home;
  • Birthmother wanted her child to be raised in OUR family, instead of her own. (The largest reason)

Was the home study sufficient? Would you have fought the foster care system to keep this foster child?

UPDATE: In 2013, a horrific crime occurred against children in this birthfamily. We feel completely at peace with our decision to fight the system and keep our LilBit from becoming another victim of an unspeakable crime!

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2 Years Ago Today – When I Fell in Love at First Sight

On December 15, 2009, Lil Bit joined our family.  On that cool, sunny afternoon, my cell phone rang, as I was compiling a spreadsheet at work.

“Would you accept a 4-month-old placement for foster care?”

My reply was a quick “YES!”

I hurriedly typed to complete the spreadsheet, and rushed down the street to the CPS office.

The investigator was the same from Blondie‘s case. She spoke of how Lil Bit had been in the office all day and didn’t make a peep.

“He’s such a good baby. His birthmom has had numerous children adopted out. Do you want him?”

I couldn’t believe I was hearing that.   A call for foster care only could become a son. As I looked into his big, beautiful blue eyes framed with inch-long eyelashes, something happened to me that had never happened before.  I fell in love at first sight!

Lil Bit quickly assimilated into our family.  Our Christmas was that much more exciting to have a baby in it.

After 23 months with many court hearings, he finally became our son last month on National Adoption Day.

This Lil Bit has been a huge blessing in our lives.  He loves his older brother, Stinkpot, and always asks for him when he is picked up from day care.  Everyday, Lil Bit runs to hug “Tee-taw”.  Their relationship is very close and it warms my heart to know that these two brothers have each other.

Our Lil Bit is growing fast into a Lil Man. Those gorgeous blue eyes have now turned into the most unique, mesmerizing hazel.  He is tall and lean running through the house.

After so many hospital visits, he is healthy with not so much as a runny nose.  And he is now officially a “terrible two” – throwing fits when he can’t get what he wants. (I’m sorry, but I laugh in these “terrible” moments because it is just so unlike him.)

For 2 years, we have been extremely blessed by our Lil Bit. And we are grateful that he is our forever son.

What are your blessings this Christmas?

 

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Do You Drug Your Foster Kids?

Last week on 20/20, Diane Sawyer reported on medicating foster children.
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Their report stated that foster kids are more than 13 times more likely to be prescribed psychotropic medications than the general population.

Psychotropic medications are scary to me, especially when young children are involved. In the story, the doctor in question sees a child for about 5 minutes before prescribing a mind-altering medication. How can a doctor really know what’s going on with a child in a short visit?

Effect of Anti-Depressants on a Child

At the age of 9, a close relative had to be hospitalized after a psychiatrist prescribed this child an anti-depressant — because he had been depressed for getting in trouble at church the night before. To say the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) – a class of antidepressant – caused severe side effects would be an understatement. This child lost bladder control, eye movement, and basically went manic when he was medicated with an SSRI. Before that, he was simply hyperactive.

She then diagnosed him as bi-polar. What? That kid was not bi-polar!  He went manic when medicated and simply pouted when he didn’t get his way. It took months to get the child stable again.

Would you believe, only 3 years later, this same psychiatrist again prescribed him an anti-depressant? — because he was feeling down after a parent moved out of town.  He had spoken with this psychiatrist for 5 minutes where she basically told him if he didn’t take the anti-depressants, he would have to go back into the hospital.   As she handed over the SSRI drug sample, I heard her say: “Now watch him closely because we don’t want him to go manic again.“

I wanted to say: “Quack, are you the one that’s nuts?“

Personal Experience with Anti-Depressants

My personal experience with psychotropic medications make me wary.  Nearly 10 years ago, after losing a loved one, I was prescribed the anti-depressant, Lexapro. I didn’t sleep for 2 days and then became panicked when I had the dry heaves after attempting to eat. At the hospital, the nurse was very familiar with my symptoms from Lexapro.  My anxiety doesn’t mix well with an SSRI like that.

A few years later, after discovering our infertility, my Ob-Gyn attempted to prescribe an anti-depressant for me; however, she gave me a blank look when I told her that I don’t handle SSRIs very well.  She shouldn’t be prescribing psychotropic medicine that quickly anyway – she was the wrong type of doctor for that!

Then, when a psychiatrist prescribed a cyclic anti-depressant for me, I slept. When I called about the side effect, he increased my dosage. I didn’t wake up for 2 days!  I made the choice to deal with my depression actively instead of with medication.  By exercising and focusing on other things, I am the happiest ever!

Medicating Our Traumatized Child

Needless to say, our decision to allow a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for our Stinkpot’s hyperactivity was difficult for us. We were pleased that the doctor first opted for a more conservative alternative before prescribing stronger Ritalin or Adderall.  However, I did cry as my Stinkpot adjusted. He did well for nearly a year.

He is now on a psychotropic medication to control his rages, and I watch him intently, constantly looking for side effects or problems. So far, his behavior is remarkably improved.  Before, it would take him 45 minutes to cycle through his rages.  Now his rages last between 2-3 minutes.

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Our prayer is that as he matures and learns more self-control, he won’t need meds to help control his rages. We are also examining other avenues, such as play therapy, bonding, and allergies.

We have been fortunate in that he has been our only child prescribed psychotropic medications.

What has been your experience with psychotropic medications? Do you believe doctors are too quick to prescribe them?

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New Home for Lil Bit’s Newborn Brother

Two days before we finally adopted our Lil Bit, we had a very surprising call from our caseworker. Lil Bit had a newborn brother!

We struggled with the difficult decision of adding a newborn to our family so quickly.  Our JD was struggling with adjusting to all day preschool, having major meltdowns every week causing us to resort to medications.

How would adding a newborn to our family affect JD?

We finally made the very difficult decision that we needed to focus on helping our JD with his adjustment issues. Adding a newborn while JD is struggling so much would not help with his issues.  The huge change of adding a newborn to our family could even cause JD to regress tremendously.

We felt AWFUL for finally telling our caseworker “no”.  UNTIL WE WERE TOLD….

“THANK YOU, JESUS!“

The words spoken by the foster/adoptive parents where Baby Brother was placed! They are rejoicing for the opportunity to parent this baby.  Bonus: They live nearby and are open to sibling visits!

We are now at peace.  There was a plan all along…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Join our Facebook page for more up-to-date information!!!

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4 Surprising Gifts You Can’t Give Your Foster Kids

It’s Cyber Monday! That means great shopping deals!  The Children’s Place is having 30% site-wide with free shipping. And at my favorite store The Body Shop, you can buy 3 items for $30 with free shipping!

However, foster parents have to be careful when buying gifts for children in foster care.  Depending on the rules where you live, there maybe some items that are surprisingly “outlawed” by regulations.

4. Accordion Safety Gates


Not that this is really a gift, per se, but it is definitely on the “naughty list” if you live in Texas and have infants in foster care. (40 TAC 749.1813)

3. Baby Walkers


Again for homes with infants, foster parents in Texas cannot use the old-fashioned mobile baby walkers for infants. (40 TAC 749.1813)

“Baby walkers present a hazard due to risk of falls down stairs, steps, and tipping over thresholds or carpet edges. They provide infants accessibility to potentially hot surfaces, containers of hot liquids such as coffee, dangling appliance cords, poisonous plants or hazardous substances and buckets, toilets or other containers of water.”

Can’t this happen when little ones start walking?  Use stationary items, such as an activity center instead.

2. Baby Bungee Jumpers

“Baby bungee jumpers present a hazard due to increased risk of injury to the child as a result of spinning, swinging, or bumping into walls.” (40 TAC 749.1813)

It’s pretty obvious that other kids in foster homes were swinging babies into walls, causing them injuries.

1. Trampolines

And the #1 surprising gift you can’t give a foster child is a trampoline.

“Trampolines may not be used as play or recreational equipment.” (40 TAC 749.3039)

It’s too bad since jumping is a great way for kids to expel some of that ADHD energy. And sleep better at night!


So how about a bounce house?  I’ve seen these numerous times at State-sponsored foster care events with children in foster care jumping their way to the stars!!!

What gifts are on the “naughty list” where you live?

I’m Clever

Sway