Foster2Forever

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I’m Treating my Kindergartner Like a Baby – And It’s Working

For those of you with children that may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or other attachment issues, you can understand the disruption it causes in your family. The sheer exhaustion of it all.

Many times I am overwhelmed by the reaction that my child has sometimes. And nothing seems to work. However, after so many of you recommended it, I finally began reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive familyby Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU.  (Read about Feeling Hopeless from Chapter 1. Are you reading along?)

Chapter 2 of The Connected Child is “Where Your Child Began” and describes all the sensory input your adopted child may have missed to be able to form normal attachments in life. Chapter 2 of the companion study guide, Created to Connect, focuses on feeling compassion for your child.  I do feel compassion for my child – I love him – but sometimes when he turns into possessed devil-child, I just want to lay down the strict law to get his little butt to straighten up!

However, there was one small sentence in the book that hit me: “Your job, as parents, is to help these children get what they missed…” Then the study guide expanded on this concept about “Returning to the Beginning” discussing how children may actually be required to “go backwards” in order to move forward. When I read the illustration about the older adoptee wanting hot tea with her mom many times a day and her mom’s comparison to bottles and sippy cups, it struck a chord with me.

Although we received our child as an 8-month-old foster baby, do we need to somehow go backward and makeup for those first 8 months of neglect?

One night, our child had another horrible episode. He wanted to go outside and play football but was refusing to eat supper. He even attempted to throw his plate across the room. FosterDad was clearly in discipline mode.  I intervened with another approach.

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As I scooped my little one up in my lap, he first fought me, but in a soft baby-toned voice, I began saying: “Oh! My little baby needs to eat supper, but this food is for big kids. Let’s mash this up and put a bib on this baby! Oh, here’s a bite. Open wide, baby…”

Would you believe, he began playing like he was a baby and anxiously took bite after bite until he was done?  Then he got down and went outside to throw the football with Daddy.

Whoa! Crazy, huh? But it worked!

Then the next night again, he was throwing a fit about wanting some candy, but we had Pediasure for him to drink. I picked up the squirt bottle it was in, acting like it was a bottle, and put my child in my lap in the rocking chair. “Oh, look at this baby needing his bottle!”  He drank it quickly and the evening went well after all that drama.

This is nuts! But it’s working!

Now, I don’t want my child ruling the roost, so to speak, but by “going backwards”, he is getting something that he missed, and we, as parents, are getting him to mind (in a weird kind of way).  Is this approach the right approach?  Who knows?

There will be someone that will criticize me for “giving in” to his fits, but it’s working right now for our family right now.

Hopefully, I won’t be picking him up and treating him like a baby when he’s a teenager – THAT would be awkward!

Are you reading The Connected Child along with me? What may your child have missed? How can you go backwards to help heal your child?

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How a Drug Made My World More Colorful

Our 3-1/2-year-old was out-of-control. He had been kicked out of THREE daycares for explosive behavior. I had to take family leave from my career to stay at home with my emotional disturbed little boy.

My heart was breaking!  We finally made the difficult decision to see a pediatric psychiatrist. Maybe this is the help we need. On the day of his appointment, he was running through waiting room in his underwear – just screaming.

The doctor prescribed Tenex to help calm him down. His explanation is that it was the most conservative treatment to begin with.

Our son adjusted well to new medication after a period of adjustment; however, after nearly two years, and with the beginning of all-day Kindergarten last month, the doctor decided it was time to try a stimulant for his ADHD behavior.

I was hesitant to begin giving my 5-year-old little boy a psychotropic medication. However, after a month on the ADHD stimulant, Vyvanse, it appears that he sees the world in a whole new way.

Check out the top photo of Spiderman – brown scribbles is how our little boy colored before.

And then all of a sudden, as if Dorothy opened the door from her home into the colorful land of Oz:

Our son’s mind has now been opened to the world of color. Even monkeys and mice are a RAINBOW OF COLOR!!!

AND…

our son has had twelve days of perfect behavior at school!!!

I am giddy, happy, thrilled with the transformation of my little boy!!!

Vyvanse is a stimulant – amphetamine – so it is highly regulated. Every month, we have to travel to the psychiatrist to pick up a written prescription to be filled within seven days.

The best quality of the Vyvanse: slow time-release – it doesn’t give the feeling of euphoria that other stimulants do so it doesn’t have the same addictive effect.

Noticeable Side Effects (besides a colorful world):

  • Our son doesn’t take naps anymore.  Good in that there is no more naptime for Kindergarteners; however, sometimes he can get quite grumpy in the late afternoon without a nap. (But when I say: “Oh, it looks like you’re grumpy since you didn’t have a nap” – he straightens up immediately, afraid he will have to take a nap)
  • Our son has a severely decreased appetite. He won’t eat breakfast, and will eat only 2 bites of his lunch. He will eat during school snack time (but that’s not enough of the food we want him to eat).  He will then eat a late lunch after school but then won’t be hungry for supper. Frustrating!!!

But even given these side effects, we are thrilled with Vyvanse (so far) and the transformation of our little boy!

Disclaimer: This is our personal experience with Vyvanse, and you should not take our experience as advice from a physician. I am not a doctor, and haven’t even played one on TV! I was not compensated for this review because the makers of Vyvanse don’t know we exist, and we paid the out-of-pocket deductible for the prescription Vyvanse ourselves.

What has been your experience with Vyvanse or other stimulants as treatment for ADHD?

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Fifth Disease Virus Hits Our Home

On Friday night, it was still over 100 degrees in the evening here in Texas. We loaded our small family of four into our GMC Yukon to have dinner at a restaurant with an indoor playground.  I was hesitant to visit Chick-Fil-A after I was verbally accosted in Chick-Fil-A by a single man for being a bad parent when I was wrangling five small children by myself.

On the way there, Stinkpot became his demanding self, repeating: “I don’t want to go to Chick-Fil-A!”

As I looked back at him to get on to him for making demands, I became immediately alarmed.

Stinkpot’s face, arms and legs were covered in hives!

“Oh no!” I exclaimed. “Pull over! Stinkpot’s covered in hives! It looks like a horrible allergic reaction.”

We quickly deduced that he was allergic to a new flavored drink from Dollar General.  He was breathing fine and his tongue wasn’t swollen so a dose of Benedryl and an early bedtime in our bed is how we began our Labor Day holiday weekend.

In the morning, I woke to check our polka-dotted 5-year-old.  The rash was worse!

A quick trip to the urgent care facility gave us the diagnosis:  Fifth Disease

“What the heck is that?“

From the KidsHealth website:

Fifth disease is actually just a mild viral illness (from a type of parvovirus) that most kids recover from quickly and without complications.

Fifth disease begins with a low-grade fever, headache, and mild cold-like symptoms (a stuffy or runny nose). These symptoms pass, and the illness seems to be gone until a rash appears a few days later.

The bright red rash usually begins on the face. Several days later, the rash spreads and red blotches (usually lighter in color) extend down to the trunk, arms, and legs. The rash usually spares the palms of the hands and soles of the feet. As the centers of the blotches begin to clear, the rash takes on a lacy net-like appearance. Kids younger than 10 years old are most likely to get the rash.

A person with parvovirus infection is most contagious before the rash appears — either during the incubation period (the time between infection and the onset of symptoms) or when experiencing only mild respiratory symptoms.

The rash is the result of an immune system reaction that occurs after the infection has passed, so kids usually aren’t contagious once it appears. Isolating someone with a fifth disease rash won’t prevent spread of the infection because the person usually isn’t contagious by that time.  The rash of fifth disease usually lasts 1 to 3 weeks.  The majority of kids with fifth disease recover with no complications. By the time the rash appears and while it’s present, they usually feel well and are back to their normal activities.

We didn’t notice Stinkpot having any cold-like symptoms before. He has been playing, and his rash is clearing up quickly. And he will be returning to school tomorrow.

Have you heard of Fifth Disease before? What odd ailments has your children come down with?

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My Struggle with Attachment Disorder

toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachmentHe was out-of control – as if demons had taken over his soul. His screaming was unintelligible. His body was flailing about with his arms punching the air or anything in the way. His face was the color of a sun-ripened tomato. His kicking jerked as his body contorted into different directions.

This wasn’t just a tantrum.

My role as a mother is to raise my precious preschooler into a Godly man. But my doubts overwhelm me during these moments. Had Satan already taken hostage of my child through a disorder known as Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

In these moments, I am broken. I fall to my knees crying out for God to release the demon from my beloved child.

Through the prayers, God is awakening me to devote myself to this child.

Whatever it takes, dear Lord!

My child has emotions from his neglected infanthood that he cannot understand or control. His desire is to have all his physical needs met and feel that unconditional love.

As his mother, I have to make sacrifices. I’ve taken him out of full-day school. I’ve taken family leave from work to demonstrate to him that Mommy loves him and wants to be with him.

I devote my life to my son.

A problem that isn’t too large for my Lord and Savior.

Have you liked Foster2Forever’s Facebook page?

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Can You Stay Home with Your Foster Children?

Because of his explosive behavior, our son had gotten kicked out of his second daycare before Christmas 2010. He was only 3 years old!

I had ignored my rights under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and not taken time off work when he was first placed with our family in March 2008 or for his adoption the next year; but I wouldn’t again! So last spring, I took family leave to spend more time with my 4-year-old. My little boy needed his mommy!

I enrolled him in a couple of Mother’s Day Out programs, working part-time, giving me the ability to extend my 12-week leave throughout the spring until school was out when he could stay home with FosterDad (a teacher). I continued working to ensure our medical insurance would be paid.

Our son improved tremendously! No melt-downs or tantrums at MDO the entire spring or summer!!! (I wish I could say the same for at home)

Last fall, thinking a year at home had helped him, we were excited to enroll our son into highly-regarded daycare/preschool in our area. He had been on the wait list for two years!

At 4-years-old, he seemed ready. And he was — for only about 8 weeks; the stress of all-day care finally caught up with him. His explosions were worse! More out-of-control than ever!

We had to do something! We made the difficult decision to try psychotropic medications. His explosions continued.

We knew by experience that his time at this preschool was limited. FosterDad quickly found a place in the Pre-K class at the public school where he taught. My stomach was in knots. We were not solving the problem, just transferring the problem somewhere else. I knew in my heart it wasn’t the right thing to do. I needed to leave my job to stay home with my son.

Then, while at work on the morning of November 10, 2011, I was silently crying and praying when I received an email from one of God’s messengers.

A person from Human Resources had written to ask me if the time I had taken off the week before was FMLA. What?!

My fingers raced to place a call.

“Didn’t I use up all my FMLA hours?”

“No?” I was still eligible for over 100 hours of FMLA that didn’t expire until the end of January!

I was overwhelmed by God’s hand on me that morning.

My Facebook post that day read: “When feeling down and confused, blessings from above can make you soar above the clouds! Thank you, Lord, for your unexpected blessings!”

I never shared that with you since we were busy with Adoption Day preparations and trying to decide whether to add Lil Bit’s newborn sibling to our family.

I enrolled him in the half-day Pre-K at the local elementary school, and began picking him up for lunch every day.

JD was excited about going to “big school” where the neighborhood kids attend.

FosterDad began full-time family leave in February, and goes back to school today – for one month until school is out – then he retires June 1st!

Not that our son hasn’t had a couple meltdowns at the new school. (Fortunately, public schools can’t kick kids out for bad behavior) But he has adjusted and is doing much better.

Our son even won an award at school! Okay, full disclosure, it was a perfect attendance award, but we are proud of him, nonetheless.

I’ve reapplied for FMLA for the month of May – So today, I’m excited to begin my time off with my little boy! There’s nothing like Mommy and Me time!!!

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5 Ways to Turn Your Kid’s Bad Day into a Great Day

I try not to be discouraged, but it’s becoming more difficult lately.  Stinkpot can have a great day with me or FosterDad, but then suddenly chaos disrupts our lives.

toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachmentWhen our family is together, Stinkpot acts out in the worst ways!

Our guess is that he craves the attachment and bonding of one-on-one time with one parent.  But then sometimes, even if it’s just both parents and him, he changes immediately into Mr. Hyde.

Evenings can be bad, but weekends are becoming the worst! All day!

Drawing on our past experiences with Stinkpot and with some guidance from his play therapist, we are attempting to use these 5 ways to prepare and help Stinkpot cope easier with family time.

1.  Talk every day about his schedule to help him transition from one activity to another.

“Today, Daddy will pick you up from school, then you’ll eat lunch together, then you’ll rock in Daddy’s lap and watch SuperWhy for rest time. After nap, you can play ball together until Mommy comes home with LilBit.”

2.  Countdown until family time.

“2 more days until Saturday when everyone will be home together.”

3.  Plan a special treat to anticipate.

On Saturdays, we plan a simple treat for the boys.  Whether it’s visiting cousins, going to the park after nap, or a Wendy’s Frosty.  (Check with your local Wendy’s to purchase a keychain token to benefit foster children and get a free Frosty at each visit.)

4.  Plan one-on-one time.

Since I’ve returned to work full-time, Stinkpot doesn’t get the Mommy time he craves. My goal is to show Stinkpot excitement to see him when I get home each evening. I plan to run up to him, pick him up and shower him with affection and Mommy kisses as soon as I walk in the door. Our hope is that 10 uninterrupted minutes of laughing and playing with Mommy will give him that daily attachment he desires.

5.  Bring back rocking and cuddling into his daily schedule.

Last year, I participated in One Thankful Mom’s Rockin’ Mama Challenge.  Daily rocking of my hyperactive, then 3-year-old boy had a calming effect to my traumatized child’s demeanor.

Our prayer is that focusing on one-on-one attachment and bonding will help our Stinkpot adjust to sharing time with others in our family.

What are some ways that you suggest in helping our traumatized children?

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Our Lil Bit Has a Newborn Baby Brother!

In foster care, one phone call can instantly change lives. If you follow Foster2Forever on Facebook and Twitter, you already know that we received that call yesterday.

We are so excited to be adopting Lil Bit tomorrow and are busy preparing for the big day. I was blindsided yesterday morning when I received a call from our caseworker.

“Lil Bit’s birthmom gave birth to a healthy, full-term baby boy that will be released from the hospital tomorrow. The State is giving you the first option for placement.”

WHOA!!! Gulp! A day before Lil Bit’s adoption! A newborn! Another boy! Another probable adoption! Wow! Overwhelming! A decision that can change a life to be made quickly!

I called FosterDad. His assistant answered. He was in a meeting.

“I need FosterDad to call me immediately!”

She was concerned at the tone of my voice. I assured her that everything was fine, and told her about the call. We both laughed and agreed that FosterDad was going to freak out.  She assured me that he would be sitting down when he called back, and I asked her to record his reaction.

His reaction was disbelief and just flat-out overwhelming shock.  I could hear his assistant cackling in the background.

We had a huge decision to make. I reached out to our Facebook friends – you are the best!  I was struggling until I read what Shawn wrote:

“Look back to your post on Nov 10th at 11:43 am.”

That post was related to our situation with Stinkpot’s care and read:

When feeling down and confused, blessings from above can make you soar above the clouds! Thank you, Lord, for your unexpected blessings!

I cried realizing that this baby was an unexpected blessing, and there was a reason for this call.  Thank you, Shawn!

THEN I RECEIVED ANOTHER PLACEMENT CALL!

A caseworker from Austin called later in the afternoon:

We are calling to inform you that STINKPOT‘s birthmother gave birth to a healthy baby boy, and we would like to place the newborn with you.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Both my boys become big brothers the same week!  TWO NEWBORNS???  TWO more boys??? Twins!!!

AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Good thing I was laying down at the time. I AM ONE FREAKED OUT CHICK!

I stammered why I am laughing so uncontrollably.  Fortunately, this seasoned caseworker knew what was going on and promised to call right back.

His instinct was right – the message had gotten mixed up along the way and it was, in fact, Lil Bit’s birthmom that had given birth, not Stinkpot’s.  (I had thought she was in prison.)

A LIFE-CHANGING DECISION

We have a HUGE decision to make! FosterDad felt uneasy about adding the newborn baby to our family given Stinkpot’s current adjustment issues.  I felt uneasy about saying no to this newborn baby when we fought so hard to keep Lil Bit.

I needed to talk to the baby’s caseworker.

She called last night, and I shared our concerns and how much we are struggling with the decision. She understood. Apparently, the State has no other homes lined up for this baby.

My first concern has to be with Stinkpot, and that right now adding a baby may shake up his world  more than he can handle right now at this moment.

I asked to be kept informed of the case.  I feel sick for saying no.

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Medicating Our Explosive Child

This breaks my heart. Our Stinkpot has now had two major out-of-control rages at preschool in the last two weeks. The preschool has informed us that they are not capable of handling a child that will punch their teacher in the face. And we understand. The school has to have an environment that is safe for everyone.

Last year, when Stinkpot got kicked out of his second daycare due to his rages, I took Family Medical Leave from my job and stayed with him more with him in Mothers Day Out part-time.

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Photo courtesy of Rodrigo Senna

We also took him to a child psychiatrist to evaluate him. As Stinkpot was literally climbing the walls, tables, and shelves, the doctor knew there was definitely some hyperactivity issues. He wanted to take a conservative approach toward medication. We like that!

The doctor prescribed a calming drug before moving onto psychotropic medications.

For the first two days our Stinkpot was on that medication, he slept.  And I cried! I didn’t want my energetic baby turned into a zombie!  FosterDad encouraged me to wait a few more days as Stinkpot adjusted to the medication.

Our Stinkpot did well all last spring and summer on that drug until a couple of weeks ago.  Now we have to re-evaluate the effectiveness of the medication with the doctor today and examine alternatives.

I realize that every child and every situation is different, but have you had to medicate your child? What was the outcome?

Thank you for helping me feel less alone in this!
Hugs!

I’m Clever

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