Foster2Forever

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When Your Child Acts Out: Benefits of Play Therapy

 

Just when I was thinking that I had this parenting thing down, a week such as this occurs.  Our 4-year-old Stinkpot is a strong-willed little tyke and will quickly throw a fit to get his way.  Last year, he was thrown out of 2 daycares, and now, may be on his way to number 3.

Yesterday morning Stinkpot had a major meltdown at school. Growling, kicking, hitting, and spitting at the teacher. He was even biting himself! We’ve gone nearly a year without this type of incident.

The teachers are sympathetic, but shocked at his behavior. “He’s been corrected before and even had time-outs, and he’s never reacted like this before.”

I took off work and stayed home with him.  He was grouchier than usual, and growling.  I allowed him to take a long nap, and last night, the family had dinner at Burger King to allow him to “play out his energy.”

Here is the interesting part — This is the story he acted out in play therapy this morning:

Bad guys were taking babies, and Daddy and Mommy couldn’t fight off the bad guys. Luckily, after lots of fighting, the policemen and Batman eventually got the babies back! The story ended with Mommy, Daddy, Batman and Spiderman driving away with the babies.

A removal story as told through a child’s play! And what a happy ending!

It appears that the investigation into our foster boy Lil Bit’s broken arm is causing some deep fears in our Stinkpot due to his trauma in early life.

As we were leaving, I told Stinkpot that Lil Bit would be staying with us forever.  His reply was:

What about me?

I told him that he will always be with us forever.  He began questioning me, “Even when I’m bad?”

“Even when you do bad things. We love you and you are with us forever.”

Our job is to affirm our Stinkpot that he will be with us forever!

Fortunately, we meet with the adoption worker this weekend to begin the adoption process to become a forever family!

What ways do you affirm to your children that they will be with you forever?

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The giveaway winner of the Dinosaur Train Spooky Scavenger Hunt book from PBS Kids is:

Your Winner

(confirmed)

Author: amy deeter Comment: permalinki follow you on twitter

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Oh, What a {Mother’s} Day!!!

Our 3-year-old son, Stinkpot, made yesterday a difficult day.  He simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed – at 3 in the morning!!! He burst into our room screaming at me, “You left me alone! You left me alone!”

“Come here, Stinkpot.”

“NO! Go back to my room!’

He was inconsolable! Screaming and flailing on the floor.

Maybe it was a mistake on our part, but to encourage him to stay in his bed all night, the “Bed Fairy” brings candy if he wakes up in his bed in the morning.

WOW! He was NOT going to be anywhere but in his bed in the morning.

FosterDad took him back to his room and comforted him back to sleep. When Stinkpot woke again at 8 a.m., he seemed to be in a better mood…

But wait! There’s more!

After breakfast, he began a morning tirade, that kept us from attending church. (why risk him going off on his classmates?)

He finally took a morning nap, and the day went better.

When we were able to go to lunch, I made the decision again this year that I wanted my Mother’s Day lunch to be enjoyable so……

Enjoying Chuck E. Cheese. Isn't the baby getting big?

WE WENT TO CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!! Again this year.

(You MUST read about how FosterDad was upset at me last year for choosing Chuck E. Cheese for my Mother’s Day lunch)

It’s becoming a tradition.

How was your Mother’s Day????

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The Worst Home Visit Ever

Tuesday was just one of those days.  Our family was still very tired from traveling throughout the state of Texas for the Easter holiday weekend.  Last week, our foster home licensing caseworker had to reschedule her quarterly visit for this Tuesday.  When I agreed to Tuesday, I didn’t check my calendar, and the exterminator would be there too. I didn’t think too much of it since he would be doing his own thing…

However, that afternoon, I received a call from our foster baby’s caseworker, who also wanted a last visit with Lil Bit before his case was transferred to the State’s adoption unit. I told her that our caseworker was coming that afternoon. She said, “Great! I’ll see you this afternoon.”

So at 4:00 p.m., the exterminator knocks on the door. No problem….except…earlier in the day, I accidentally gave our hyperactive 3-year-old, Stinkpot, an antihistamine, which can make him a bit excitable and aggressive. OOPS!

Stinkpot was driving the “BugMan” cRaZy – following him around, asking a million questions, and talking, talking, talking. Poor man was just trying to kill a few bugs.

Then, ding! dong! 4:30 the doorbell rings and Lil Bit’s caseworker is there. As we walk in, my husband arrives in the house exhausted from TAKS testing, balancing Lil Bit in one arm and a large Diet Coke in the other. Just as our home caseworker drives up!

Wow! What was I thinking?

Stinkpot was OUT OF CONTROL! Acting out in the worst way! He hit the baby twice. At one point, he walked up to the baby and just kicked him!

I took him back in his room for a minute, while I distracted the caseworkers with the luscious chocolate-covered strawberries from Shari’s Berries that my wonderfully thoughtful husband had delivered to me as an Easter gift. {bribery?}

My husband then took Stinkpot outside to talk to the BugMan while I finished the visit with the caseworkers.

The visit itself went well.

  • Lil Bit’s case will be officially transferred to the State’s adoption unit today.
  • Since he is a citizen of Mexico, our 20-month-old, Lil Bit cannot be adopted until he is certified as a U.S. citizen.  {we are harboring an illegal immigrant}
  • He is now on the INS waiting list for a “certificate of naturalization“, in which scheduling the ceremony can take MONTHS!  So we are in another “holding pattern” before the adoption of our Lil Bit can be finalized.

What a visit!  BUT we had another visitor later that night!

photo courtesy Lisa Jane Stewart - not me!

The kids and I hunkered down in the bathroom clothes hamper until late in the evening. {FosterDad was glued to the television} I was keeping up with tornado alerts and friends through Twitter and Facebook. I admit it, I was scared!

We were all blessed by God’s protection that night! Have a blessed weekend with your family!

Hugs! ~penny

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No Time-Out???

Many foster children are removed from their families for physical abuse. Not simply spankings, but beatings! Bruises, marks, and scars!

These darling children come to live in our foster home after this abuse. They are perfect little angels, and you wonder how did this happen.

For a little while. And then: DEMANDS, FITS, HITTING, WHINING – the behaviors that would challenge the Dalai Lama…

These children NEED structure, boundaries, discipline…

As a foster parent, you CANNOT spank!

1-2-3-TIME OUT!!! Yes! That’s it! The perfect method to discipline a child.

I’m going out on a limb to say “NO”!

time-in-discipline

As readers of this website may know, our 3-year-old son adopted through foster care is the master of fit-throwing. (Yesterday, as I was driving down the road, he was throwing Easter eggs at me from the back seat. I threw them out the window as he threw them at me. Observers probably thought the Easter bunny was driving by.)

We institute the 1-2-3 time-out as discipline for misbehavior. However, this week, I did something different.

time in discipline“NO! You are not getting candy for supper! Stop hitting me and go sit in your father’s lap right now and tell him what you did was wrong!”

Would you believe it calmed him down sooner, and he behaved the rest of the evening?

A TIME-IN! Time-In Discipline?

Last year, we had a 12-year-old foster child, Big Helper, whose mother had voluntarily given up her children instead of divorcing her incarcerated husband. (I don’t get it either)

Big Helper was dealing with intense feelings of the ultimate rejection.  I began to notice that her most intense breakdowns occurred after she got in trouble. At one point, she even ran away one evening while I was out-of-town on business. Apparently, the time-out form of discipline was another rejection to her, and she simply was emotionally overwhelmed.

I didn’t know anything of a time-in until just before she left us.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

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It’s Me or the Blankie!

This week, our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, who we adopted through foster care, accidentally smashed his finger in a door.  The poor boy was screaming in pain as I ran to him.  He was screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”

As I scooped him in my arms, he continued screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”  As his mother, I wasn’t able to comfort him. I asked him, “Do you want Mommy to hold you or do you want Blankie?”

“I waaaaaannnnnttt Blankie!”

foster child attachment

Stinkpot at 10 months old with Blankie

Stinkpot’s attachment to Blankie has been one of the strongest forms of attachment of any child.

  • Blankie is the baby blanket given to his by the hospital of his birth.
  • Blankie was the only thing that he had when he was removed from his birth family at 8 months old.
  • Blankie with all its cigarette burn holes was probably his only consistent form of security during those 8 months of neglect.

As Stinkpot’s mother, on many occasions, I have felt that he is more attached to Blankie than me. And is some ways that could be true.

Because of Stinkpot’s behavior issues, I chose for the year 2011 to be a focus of transformation for Stinkpot and our family.

The first and foremost was TIME! I took leave from work to spend more time with Stinkpot, less time at work or on the computer, and more time focused on him! This has helped in that he now has a desire to be with me more.

Second, I participated in The Rockin’ Mama Challenge hosted by Lisa of A Bushel and a Peck.  The challenge was to rock our wounded little ones for 15 minutes EVERY day. The first few days were tough for our hyperactive 3-year-old; however, now he asks to be rocked almost every day.

He is still very attached to Blankie; however, last night, he left Blankie at church and did well sleeping with Cars Blankie! One step at a time!

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Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
(A mistake I haven’t made again!)

As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
What a handsome little man he has become!
foster infant child kid adopting adopted
As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
Have a great weekend!

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Use Playful Scenarios to Get Your Defiant Child to Cooperate

Day 33 and we feel as if we are making no progress!
Our defiant 3-year-old, Stinkpot, is challenging us to no end.

The Karate KidToday, I had to carry him kicking, screaming and hitting me in the face into his karate class. Once he finally calmed himself down, he had a GREAT time! However, once the class ended, he ran around everywhere and was demanding a helmet. I had to carry him out kicking and screaming.

Same thing at home. Refused to eat dinner and demanding he was hungry for cake. We are so discouraged!

Today, before leaving for karate class, his Football Guys (which are a GREAT toy for creative play) were strewn all over the living room. As usual, he refused to pick them up. So I began to race him to each piece that would be thrown away if I reached it first. We were laughing as we raced and had the toys picked up in no time.

Today, I learned that by using playful scenarios, Stinkpot will inadvertently cooperate. Am I teaching him responsibility or just trying to keep the peace? Right now, the latter.

We are so tired of our home being a war zone.

NEWS
Be sure and visit our fellow foster mom in Hawaii – She has BIG news on her website Footprints.

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Day 18 – 365-Day Transformation: Give Challenges to a Strong-Willed Child

On Day 18 of our 365-Day Transformation Project, we enrolled him in an educational basketball program called Teams of Tomorrow.

Our hard-headed 3-year-old, Stinkpot, was excited about playing basketball. He is an incredible athlete and can amazingly dribble a basketball better than kids twice his age.

Our prayer is that the challenge and incentive of basketball will help channel his energy and behavior toward healthy pursuits, instead of the aggression that seems to rear its ugly head. 

Has giving a challenge to your strong-willed child helped with behavior issues?

5 Minutes for Mom
Angry Julie Monday
SuperMom

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365-Day Transformation: Word{ful} Wednesday

Our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, is the most strong-willed, demanding, hard-headed, stubborn, ornery, obstinate, cantankerous little rascal you will ever meet. He is impossible!

He even bosses us, as parents, around. “No, drive this way!” “Put that over there!” “No, I’ll do it!”

And when he doesn’t get his way, watch out! His tirade jumps full steam ahead. He becomes this loud, fit-throwing, aggressive little monster.

He has now become so aggressive, his reputation in our area precedes him since getting kicked out of TWO, yes TWO, daycares. We struggle to find anyone in their right mind willing to take on the wrath of Stinkpot.

Not too happy after getting hit in the eye with a baseball
Don’t get me wrong, he is an extraordinary work of God, beautifully and perfectly made.
Gorgeous, athletic and smart!

God has a perfect plan for our precious Stinkpot. Our job as his parents, is to train him in the right way and when he is old, he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Our Stinkpot is determined, head-strong, persistent, and tenacious. These very characteristics that are driving us crazy as parents, will be incredible, if directed toward a life with our Lord Jesus Christ. WOW! Can you imagine the treasures that would be stored in Heaven for our Stinkpot?

So we begin a journey. A LONG journey – toward transformation. January 1st was the first day of our first 365-day journey to intently focus on our Stinkpot’s transformation.

We are rolling up our sleeves and delving into God’s Word and any parenting resources that He lays out for us. Each step will be documented along this journey.

Focusing on transformation of our Stinkpot will be difficult if I am also working full-time; therefore, I will be taking family leave and working part-time (just to keep things going at the office and pay for our health care).

Please pray for our family!

I’m Clever

Sway