Foster2Forever

by

Claiming the Federal Adoption Credit

FEDERAL FUNDS ARE AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS!

federal-adoption-credit Did you, or someone you know, adopt a child from the foster care system in 2011?

If so, you may be eligible for a $13,360 refund per adopted child from the IRS — so long as it is claimed before April 15, 2015 – less than five months from now.

Many families are not aware that they are eligible for these funds, and are often incorrectly told by tax preparers that they do not qualify. The main eligibility requirements are:

  • Adoption of a child from the foster care system in 2011;
  • Adopted child(ren) receive a monthly post-adoption subsidy.

AdoptFund has helped nearly 1,500 families across the country claim $27.5 million in adoption credits. AdoptFund specializes in assisting families obtain this credit, and have worked with many community-based care agencies such as Our Kids of Miami-Dade/Monroe and the Sarasota Family YMCA, as well as adoption attorneys. One AdoptFund client, Alena, adopted a child from the foster care system with severe medical issues in 2011, and received the full Adoption Credit of $13,360 within 7 months of applying for it. Using this money, she was able to afford medical equipment and supplies that were previously out of her price range, vastly improving her adopted child’s quality of life, as well as helping to ease some of the burden from herself. Another AdoptFund client, Rebecca, adopted her grandson out of the foster care system in 2011, and received the full Adoption Credit of $13,360 within 8 months of applying for it. Using this money, she was able to reclaim her car from reposition, allowing her to drive her grandson to and from school again. She also had enough left over to set up a college fund for her grandson, and was able to afford new computers for her and her family.

AdoptFund can also help you with your 2014 Federal IRS income tax return — the adoption tax credit for 2014 is $13,190.

Don’t wait until it is too late – call AdoptFund now, toll-free, at (855) 991-7680 for a free, no obligation consultation, or visit the AdoptFund website at www.adoptfund.com, find AdoptFund on Facebook and follow on Twitter @Adoptfund.

2014-federal-irs-adoption-income-tax-credit

This is a sponsored post for AdoptFund.

by

Can My Child Ever Love Me? Bonding with Adopted Child

As sun is to warmth and tickles are to laughter, a loving mom is to a child who loves her back, right? But how does that look when the child is a deeply hurt one, one who was not born of you, who has not asked to be fostered by you, who comes from a life of betrayal and abuse? How do you begin bonding with an adopted child?

bonding-with-an-adopted-older-child

When Boy first arrived, he would openly push me away, say he didn’t like us or our home. He said many times that he didn’t want to be here. He told me once he would never trust me.

Throughout his stay with us, I tried different methods of awakening trust in him. He clearly had reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and needed help with connecting to a caregiver. The only way to help him let go of his mistrust was to purposefully exercise the opposite, his trust (or whatever was left of it). So, I would “schedule” bonding time for us.

Bonding with an adopted child

Look into my eyes and count to 5.
I will hold you in my arms, and we will rock back and forth 20 times (looking into my eyes).
We will sit together, looking into each other’s eyes and talking, for 15 minutes. – I would ask him to tell me a story, any story, while looking at me. His first one was as short as this, “There was a bear. And a ball. The end.” I would ask about the color of the ball, what kind of bear and so on.

He would always complain at the beginning of those “sessions”. At first, he would jump up and just about run from me at the end of each cycle… But, with time, he began to relax. His stories would go further, he would linger around after time was up, looking into my eyes became easier. It came to a point where we “graduated” from those connecting times as things became more natural.

As we practiced attachment, love began to blossom. Not that he would write me love letters… But that I could see the sparks of love inside those eyes, who at first were filled with pain. Trust began to push away the monsters, and love began to conquer his darkness.

You see, a relationship takes time to form. It is one day at a time, through the ups and downs, experience filling the “life-book” of two people investing in each other…

After 14 months, looking into my eyes is an easy task. He smiles at me, knowing I mean every moment I spend with him. He holds my hand, plays with my hair, seeks closeness.

Come to think of it, the moment you receive your child, is the moment when love begins, really. Though he still struggles with expressing it, I know love is there… Because love started with me.

So, as sun is to warmth… Because the sun initiated it… And as tickling is to laughter, because laughter is a result of the tickling… So your child will love you… Because you loved your child first.

Join our Facebook page  to connect with other adoptive parents!

GloriaRGloria R. is a mother of two birth children, and fostering to adopt an older child. She is  a licensed therapeutic foster parent with her husband. She continues to engage in research on traumatized children, foster care and adoption and hope to be a voice for kids, who often fall in between the cracks of society. She also loves writing and welcoming new readers to her blog, www.onemorewithus.com.

by

He Doesn’t Call Me Mom- Older Child Adoption

It was tucking-in-bed time. He’d been quiet, withdrawn, and I could tell why.
My son is an older foster child, whom we are in the process of adopting.

A heartfelt post about older child adoption. #fostercare

At 5 years of age, my foster son entered the system. He came to us at age 7. He is now 8. Not to say his life became chaotic after he became a foster child. He lived in chaos much before then. Neglect and other forms of abuse were normal to him. Expected. Taught. Absorbed.

His removal from birth mom was a necessary call. The dangers outweighed the benefits of living in such environment. What am I talking about? There was no sure environment, for starters. Her rage and drug abuse took her away for long periods of time, as she farmed her kids around. Due to her inability to parent, my son was under such stress that he developed stress induced epilepsy… Which she was unable manage properly. Lack of medication or the will to administer the doses, not sending the medications to the caretakers (often, questionable ones, some were abusers themselves), all could have caused her son permanent brain damage. And aside from all of that, violence from her were both witnessed and experienced first hand, by him.

With such a long history of trauma involving her, you would think my son would want to forget all about her, wish she would never harm him again… But it isn’t so. He loves her. He always will.

If we were preparing him for reunification, it would make sense to promote their immediate relationship. We did, when they were trying to make that happen. However, her rights were rightfully terminated.They will form a better relationship some day, but not for now. His emotional wounds are too fresh… In fact, he doesn’t demonstrate the desire to move in with her again… Still, he loves her. He misses her eyes, her hair… I imagine he misses those short periods of time when he nestled in her arms, sensing her smell, listening to her voice.

We are preparing to adopt him, so it stung when I was reminded of this extension of his heart, his birth mom. Though he was next to me physically, he was close to her emotionally. What to do? How to cope with that?

So I hugged him. I told him I was so sorry for all the hardships of his life. He held my hand and asked me to stay with him for a while longer. I did. Then, I kissed him good night.

Mothering an older foster/adoptive child is hard. The “mother” seat may be taken already… Though, there is a place for me. For the honor of being called “mom” may not be mine, not yet anyway… But I have the honor of having him hold my hand as he travels across the state to find her in his thoughts. It was my arm he clung to as his heart tightened. It was in my embrace he buried his sweet little head, searching for comfort. My honor is to be counted trustworthy enough to accompany him in his journey.

Oh, why am I tearing up at this? Perhaps, because when I call him “son“, the echo does not reply, “mom“. Rather, it evokes the silent beauty of a new found trust, from a heart previously shattered, an echo expressed by his hand holding mine.

Join our Facebook page  to connect with other adoptive parents!

GloriaRGloria R. is a mother of two birth children, and fostering to adopt an older child. She is  a licensed therapeutic foster parent with her husband. She continues to engage in research on traumatized children, foster care and adoption and hope to be a voice for kids, who often fall in between the cracks of society.

 

This is so touching! Older child adoption from foster care.

by

A Yummy Way to Find Homes for Foster Kids

I was heartbroken. The doctor’s words pierced my soul, and I was shattered. Would I never become a mother? Would I never be called “Mom”?

During my grief of infertility, my amazing husband reiterated his faith: “There’s a child out there that is our child; a child that may already have been born; a child that needs us to be his parents.” I shook my head in disbelief with tears flowing down my face.

I didn’t realize how right he was —
Did you know that more than 100,000 children in foster care wait for a family?

In 2007, we licensed our home and opened it to children that needed a family, whether for a while or forever. During that time, we have been parents to 16 children, some for a while — and two FOREVER!!!

wendys-frostys-adoption-foster-care-100000

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption® believes that we all have a responsibility to be the voice of foster care adoption, so that every child finds a family.

These children are NOT someone elses responsibility. Love this quote by Dave Thomas of Wendys.

You don’t have to become a foster parent, or adopt a child in order to help children in foster care find families!

The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption® exists to find homes for the 100,000 children who are waiting to be adopted from foster care in North America.

What you can do to support the DTFA and the 100,000 children in foster care awaiting adoption!

*Coupon book may contain coupons for 5 or 10 free Jr. Frosty™ treats. Prices and participation may vary. Ninety cents to every $1 coupon booklet sold benefits the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption®. 

Get your Frosty coupons from Wendys to support foster care adoption.

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls Collective and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

by

How Eye Contact Can Create a Strong Bond with Your Child

One of the best ways to connect with our children (or anyone, in fact) is by making eye contact a habit. Eye contact shows that you value your child. Direct eye contact is beneficial to the child and can help increase the child’s focus and ability to connect with people.

Many times, as a parent, I found myself busy doing something – wrangling babies, cooking dinner, picking up, on the computer, etc. – and my son would say “Mom, you’re not listening to me.”  Since realizing my bad habit and how detrimental that can be to our relationship, I make a concerted effort to STOP and look directly at my son when he is talking to me.

One-on-one full attention with your child cements a parent-child connection that every child needs and deserves.

At-risk children may be uncomfortable with direct eye contact, especially in the beginning. An abused child may even be fearful of eye contact due to previous traumas.  Don’t rush a fearful child into direct eye contact, instead practice for short bits to help the child overcome his fears and earn your trust.  (Also, keep in mind that in many Asian, African, and Latin American cultures, extended eye contact may be viewed as an affront or a challenge of authority.)

  • Move your head so that the child can see your face
  • Stop speaking for a moment to get the child’s attention
  • Use the phrase “Let me see your eyes“

“Never use eye contact as an excuse to give your child a mean or angry stare; instead use your eyes to communicate in a loving and nurturing way.” from The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family (affiliate link)

Great advice on bonding with your child! #adoption

by

4 Attachment Types To Know Before Becoming a Parent

Attachment can be defined in a number of ways, but can be simply defined as the connection that is developed between a child and caregiver. There are 4 patterns of attachment that a child can develop while being parented, but first…

How is attachment developed?

Attachment is developed through repeated and consistent interactions between a child and caregiver. If this cycle is repeatedly met (doesn’t have to be perfectly met, thank goodness), a child will develop a secure attachment.

 When is attachment formed?

Attachment patterns are developed during the first 12 months of life!

Attachment patterns are usually stable over a person’s lifetime! (The attachment style a person develops as an infant will remain their attachment style as an adult UNLESS the person DELIBERATELY attempts to change that attachment style)

4 ATTACHMENT PARENTING TYPES

  1. Secure
  2. Insecure – Avoidant (Organized)
  3. Insecure – Ambivalent (Organized)
  4. Insecure – Disorganized

A child's behavior can be linked to attachment issues as an infant! #fostercare #adoption

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Secure Attachment Developed?

  • Touch, closeness, eye contact – Think of how you hold an infant and look into his face
  • Emotional attunement – Tuning into the internal state of another
  • Secure environment – Feeling safe and cared for
  • Shared pleasure, play, and FUN!

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Type

  • Seeks out caregiver when in need of physical or emotional support or comfort
  • Ability to talk about a wide range of feelings, both positive and negative
  • Feels comfortable exploring new environments while continuing to use their caregiver as a “secure base”
  • Enjoys and is comfortable with physical and emotional closeness
  • Positive beliefs about themselves, others, and the world
  • Emotionally stable (emotional regulation)

2. INSECURE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Developed?

  • The infant is repeatedly NOT soothed
  • The attachment cycle is broken, and the distressed infant stops asking for help
  • The infant is left unattended, in neglectful families or orphanages
  • Sadly, the infant still produces stress hormones, yet doesn’t act stressed
  • The infant learns not to depend on anyone to soothe or meet his needs

Characteristics of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Type

  • Emotionally distant and aloof
  • Limited tolerance for feelings
  • Inflated self-reliance to minimize need for connection
  • Independent or inappropriately mature
  • Lacks empathy
  • The child’s solution is limited dependence on relationships. Take care of self. Deny or avoid feelings or emotions.

3. INSECURE-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Developed?

  • The distressed infant sometimes has his needs met
  • The caregiver is inconsistent (due to their own unresolved attachment histories, or could be due to substance abuse or mental illness)
  • Disruptions is care due to inconsistent or chaotic caregiving (also displacements via foster care)

Characteristics of Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Type

  • Crave attachment yet pushes away (push/pull behaviors)
  • Clinginess (bottomless pit)
  • Unable to self-soothe (as they get older) and need all soothing from an outside source
  • Fear of abandonment
  • The child’s solution is to keep caregivers in constant proximity

4. DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

  • Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
  • Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
  • Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Type

  • Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
  • Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
  • Prone to dissociation
  • 80% of abused children have disorganized attachment (Siegel)

To learn more about attachment and how your parenting can affect your child’s attachment, you can read Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Dan Siegel (Amazon affiliate link).

by

Transracial parenting is not colorblind

“Probably because of how and where I was raised, I have usually approached discussions of race with trepidation – if at all. But since embarking on the adventure of transracial parenting, I’ve begun to realize that I have a duty to my son to have these conversations…”

Learning the Lessons of Transracial Parenting: NOT Colorblind

“Before becoming a transracial parent, I prided myself on being “colorblind”. I truly believed that the best answer was to ignore skin color. And I would get very irritated if anyone else used race as a descriptor. If I was forced to physically describe a person of color, I would mention gender, height, build and then whisper “black”, like I was saying a bad word. I was just so uncomfortable even discussing race that I did my best to ignore it. I steadfastly and earnestly believed this was the best non-racist approach, until I realized I was going to be the forever mommy of a gorgeous little black boy…”

http://www.fosterducklings.com/2014/08/transracial-parenting-not-colorblind.html

transracial-adoption-parenting

foster-ducklingsDuck Mommy is a [mostly] happily-married, Christian foster mom and infertility survivor blogging about life as the head duck-wrangler of a three-ring traveling circus.  In between herding ducks, saving starfish and her full-time adventures with an infant, 2 toddlers, 3 teenagers, 3 dogs, and 3 cats, she shares her experiences, point-of-view and lessons learned at Foster Ducklings.

by

You Don’t Have to Be a Perfect Parent! I’m Certainly Not!

We had taken over 30 hours of training to become foster parents!
We had a car seat and a crib – the items our caseworker required before opening our home to foster children!
For two years, I had successfully home schooled my teenage stepson with his ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome.
I was ready to be the perfect parent!!!
Or so I thought….

foster-care-adoption

And then our first placement arrived! That first night was TORTURE! That 8-month-old baby boy was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

And I had absolutely NO clue about feeding an 8-month-old!!! He came with cereal & formula…but I had NO CLUE how much & how often are you supposed to feed an 8-month-old!!!  I am not a perfect parent!

For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed to care for this infant. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood! I am not a perfect parent!

And that baby had random, explosive diarrhea for the first two years of his life! Then one day after he began talking, he moaned after drinking a glass of milk: “My tummy hurts!” I then realized that my little boy was lactose-sensitive! I had been giving him milk all this time! I am not a perfect parent!

My second son broke his arm while climbing onto a chair while my back was turned! And not just once! No, my boy broke his arm TWO TIMES within two months!!! I am not a perfect parent!

Last year, I idiotically took five small children into Chick-Fil-A all by myself. When one of my preschoolers darted away to the restroom, I had to go into the mens restroom to retrieve him! A man then reprimanded me for being a bad parent! I am not a perfect parent!

Can you ever be a perfect parent?

What I’ve learned over the last six years is that parenting is a work in progress!

You don’t have to be a perfect parent! In fact, you can’t be a perfect parent because you are human.  As parents, we just do the best we can during the journey and love our kids through it all.  Parenting is an incredible blessing even if we aren’t perfect!

Children don’t need a perfect parent!

Kids need a loving home! Nearly 102,000 children that are currently available for adoption from the foster care system in the United States simply need a parent!  Not a perfect parent, but a parent perfect for them! More than 30 percent (31,000) of these foster kids are between the ages of 11 and 17.

AdoptUSKids-Myth-FosterCare-Adoption-Available-Kids-#PerfectParent

If you’re not perfect either, AdoptUSKids can give you more information on adoption from foster care.

Humor me and tell me how you’re not a perfect parent either!

This post is paid for by the Ad Council, but this is my true story of how I am not a perfect parent!

by

Transracial Adoption Issues of Being Color-Blind

 Transracial Adoption Issues

Did Dr. Martin Luther King ever dream of transracial adoption? I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”  Did he ever dream that all children and families would be equal – members of multi-racial families?

When I was a little girl, my family was part of the “white flight” from integrated schools to a rural all-white town. I grew up around extreme prejudice that I never understood, but I do feel that I’ve overcome the racial prejudice of my past.

But today, our nation is still at war. A Cheerios commercial featuring an interracial marriage still spews hatred. Paula Deen’s past racism causes an uproar from her sponsors.  Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson’s remarks about observing that “blacks were happy” caused a knee-jerk reaction from the A&E Network to suspend him from his reality show.

I do wish our nation could be color-blind, but as the Livesay’s Haiti blog points out: “Can we truly be color-blind or is that just a phrase of white privilege?” The sad truth is that race matters, especially in transracial adoption.

Mary’s awareness of multi-racial families acutely changed when a child of another race joined her family.  Mary recommends reading Another Mother: Co-Parenting with the Foster Care System that discusses transracial adoption issues from a white woman raising black children.

Melody has shared her struggles and transracial adoption issues, and offers some tips to coping with the “peanut gallery.”

Transracial Adoption Issues

  • When adopting a child of another race, it is not only the child who is different — your family becomes a “different” family.
  • Your child will need specific coping skills to deal with racial bias which you might face together as a family.
  • A child of color growing up with Caucasian parents should be around adults and children of many ethnic groups, especially, to see adult role models who are of the same race or ethnic group.
  • Adopting more than one child of a different race gives a child a sibling for more cohesive racial identity within a family.

chocolate-vanilla-transracial-adoption-issues

Read more about Transracial Adoption Issues:

Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? outlines for parents how, exactly, to deflect the objectifying attention multiracial children receive, from the books and toys to use in play with young children, to advise on guiding older children toward a strong sense of self.

Brown Babies, Pink Parents: A Practical Guide to Transracial Parenting provides practical, easy-to-read instruction on everything from hair/skin care, to school issues, and even addresses “white privilege.”

Come Rain or Shine: A White Parent’s Guide to Adopting and Parenting Black Children is a conversational and practical guide for those considering transracial adoption how to incorporate a child’s race into your family.

Growing Up Black in White is the poignant memoir of a mixed-race child adopted by a white family sharing his experiences as a biracial transracial adoptee to help other adoptive families with transracial adoption issues.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla is for parents trying to raise children in a racially polarized world — explains how black and biracial children perceive color and race, and that early teaching about race and racism tends to result in black children feeling needlessly powerless and confused. 

FTC Disclosure: The links in this post may be affiliate links to Amazon, which means when you click on a link and purchase, I receive a very small commission (at no additional cost to you). Amazon then gives that commission to me as an Amazon gift card so I can purchase from Amazon. See how nicely that works for Amazon?

I’m Clever

Sway