Adoption Archives - Page 4 of 16

How NOT to Discipline an Insecure Child

Time-out is the most common way used today to discipline a child. And it may work for most children; however, time-out may not work if you have an insecure child. Here’s why!

How to NOT Discipline an Insecure Child

Using a time-out for discipline can trigger fear and abandonment issues, making it counterproductive, especially for insecure or at-risk children. If a child is struggling with low self-esteem, a time-out may affirm to the child that they aren’t any good.

This is particularly true with foster and adopted children that struggle with attachment because of the lack of early bonding in their lives. Because of a child’s early history of neglect and abuse, he may already feel disconnected from the family due to the lack of bonding in his earlier relationships. To these hurt children, time-out can feel like banishment and rejection from the family, which can cause the child’s mind to cycle into more insecurity. To a traumatized child, a time-out could feel like a withdrawal of love and equate to another abandonment to the child.

Through a simple time-out, a parent may be sending the message to an at-risk child: “My parents don’t want me around.” Those feelings of rejection have no outlet in a time-out which can cause turmoil inside the child. Consequently, the child may learn to withdraw from the world during times of stress instead of dealing with those emotions of disappointment.

When a child struggling with feeling insecure and controlling their emotions, that is a time in particular when a child most needs a parent’s help to wade through the turmoil.

How to Discipline an Insecure Child

You still have to discipline your child, so what do you do? Remember that there is a difference between discipline and punishment. Try disciplining your child using a time-in instead of time-out. Using time-in to discipline your child will help your child teaches calmness, self-soothing, and thinking through emotions, plus it creates a bonding time with your child to deepen the parent-child relationship.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

1:24 pm by Penelope

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge to Bond with your Child

Five years ago, I was struggling with parenting our demanding, hyperactive toddler we had adopted from foster care. I stumbled upon a blog post that first introduced me to the concept of attachment therapies for adoptive families.

{That blog post, The Rockin’ Mama Challenge, was written by none other than Lisa Qualls of One Thankful Mom.}

The Challenge was to sit and rock your traumatized child 15 minutes each day to promote attachment. The uninterrupted alone time between parent and child was to help give the child a pathway to learn attachment through a simple ritual of physical closeness via rocking.

Five years ago, foster parents in my neck of the woods weren’t trained much on trauma and its effects on a child’s attachment. Not many parenting strategies were doled out either, most parenting tips were “don’t spank” and “just give a time-out.”

Five years ago, I began the Challenge fighting to keep our son still and in my lap for any amount of time. A challenge it was!!! But after a week, our son began to not resist the rocking time. After two weeks, he even asked to be rocked. As much as he fought it, my traumatized child wanted that attachment.

Five years ago, that Challenge opened my eyes to a whole new world of attachment parenting.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge

Now, five years later, I’d like to challenge other parents to join me in another rocking challenge during the month of October. It’s simple.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge Facebook group.

Rock your child for 10-15 minutes every day in October. If you miss a day, don’t give up! Just rock your child the next day! If you can’t do 10 minutes, do 5 minutes. Just rock!

Rock your child alone. No other children. No distractions. No books. No devices. No television. Just you and your child.

Keep a journal or share your experience on Instagram, Twitter or Periscope using the #RocktoberLove hashtag. Record how long, what time of day, what you did together, how your child responded, how you felt, etc.

Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Periscope. — And others participating in the #RocktoberLove Challenge. Start a dialog. You are not alone in this!!! Here is your village.

I’ll be periscoping my #RocktoberLove Challenge experience everyday.
Will you join me?

9:38 pm by Penelope

Creating Belonging in an Adoptive Family

How do you create belonging in your adoptive family?

A family created through the miracle of adoption, sometimes, to the outside world, doesn’t look like what they think a family should look like. How many adoptive families have to hear: “Are they all yours?” Family members don’t have to look the same to belong. but we can create a sense of belonging in our adoptive families by focusing on how much alike we actually are.

To ensure that you give your adopted child, and all your children for that fact, a sense of belonging to your family celebrate your sameness. All my sons are adopted and have various ethnicities: Anglo, Hispanic and Cherokee Indian. Even with our various ethnicities, I tell my sons that they have my unique eye color (green with specks of golden brown), or my sister’s W-sit, or their dad’s face shape.

I tell my children how we do look alike. And sometimes, I can sense a special feeling from that, even from my oldest, that became my son at 12 years old.

Recently my Facebook feed has been filling up with images from the LikeParent app – an app that calculates what percentage a child resembles each parent. Of course, it’s not scientific or anything, but a fun little thing to do anyway.
So, of course, I had to do an experiment – I wanted to see how much the LikeParent app says my sons look like me and how much they look like their dad.
I was pretty confident going in since all our sons have my exact eye color.
Our middle son looks so much like his dad did as a toddler and young boy. In fact, while looking through some old family photos, I picked up a photo of my husband as a toddler in a high chair. My husband’s reply was: “That looks familiar.” It was if we were looking at a photo of our middle son! (But our son does have my eyes!) So here are the surprising results:

Our youngest son, Lil Bit, is Hispanic, but definitely has my eyes and my smile. I’m constantly amazed at how much he resembles my sister too, especially with that thick, wavy hair. Of course, I realize our youngest son has his dad’s round face shape, and my husband back in the day did have really dark hair too. So look! Our son is a perfect blend of us.

Our oldest son shares my Cherokee Indian heritage. We both have a long narrow face with those Cherokee high cheekbones. And his eye color is a duplicate of mine! Many people are very surprised when they learn that he isn’t my biological son. So these results are completely bogus!

But finding similarities of our family goes beyond our physical features. I tell my sons how they like bike riding like I did. Two of my sons bite their fingernails like I did. My middle son is a math wiz like me. “I used to do that too.” Our middle son LOVES baseball – just like his dad. Children mirror their parents in so many ways and pick up our sayings, habits, and beliefs.

By pointing out our sameness as a family that it can help minimize those differences to give a more cohesive sense of belonging. Families are alike! So celebrate your child’s sameness to help promote a sense of belonging to your family.

5:29 pm by Penelope

How Can Attachment Become So Disorganized?

Before becoming a parent, a person should understand the four attachment parenting types. Specifically, foster parents should study the disorganized attachment style. Why? Because 80% of abused children come from a home with a disorganized attachment style – an attachment based on FEAR. (Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel)

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Style

Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
Prone to dissociation from relationships

I recently attended a workshop on Attachment and the Circle of Security — which simplified the disorganized attachment style down to 3 things parents do to disorganize attachment in their children.

MEAN, WEAK, or GONE!

Is the parent MEAN?

The very person a child has to rely on for safety or care causes fear in the child. That’s pretty much a given for physical abuse of the children that come into foster care. But it doesn’t have to be physical abuse. Harassing or humiliating a child is a subtle form of abuse that causes emotional problems for a child needing to feel secure. A child can become disorganized in their attachment.

Is the parent WEAK?

A weak, permissive, or not-in-charge parent can surprisingly cause a chaotic, disorganized family structure. When a child “rules the roost,” the entire family suffers. There is such a fine line from being permissive and giving a child a voice. Honestly, this is the struggle in our own family as we parent our traumatized, strong-willed child. Parents much be in charge, but in a kind way.

Is the parent GONE?

If a parent isn’t around and a child has to take care of themselves, the child loses any sense of security, and the family can become disorganized. Note that a parent doesn’t have to be physically gone. A parent that is spaced out using drugs is not present in the child’s life, even if they are sitting in the same room with the child. As a child of an alcoholic, I experienced feelings of aloneness and took up the role of caregiver in my family as a young teen. But even a parent that doesn’t use drugs or alcohol can be “gone” if they are preoccupied with other things in their life – examples include watching TV, electronics, video games, or online a lot of the time and not engaging with the child. A child needs to feel a connection with their parent in that their emotional needs of feeling important are met.

Parenting children with disorganized attachment is a challenge not to be taken lightly. But by learning a variety of parenting techniques that encourage attachment, a parent can help a child learn to trust and become more secure in their attachment.

12:37 pm by Penelope

Think You’re Too Old to be a Parent?

Kenneth’s story on adoption as an older parent!

I sat at the kitchen table drinking a glass of ice-cold water. It was late June, in the middle of a Texas drought. The temperature outside hovered around 110 degrees. My cell phone rang. With sweat dripping down my nose I glanced at the caller ID.

The name of our child placing agency appeared on the screen. I sighed. We had turned down several placements for different reasons. So, even though I didn’t feel like taking the call, I hit the accept button.

My wife and I were in our mid to late 40s, and we wanted to adopt through foster care. Because of our age, we expected to foster children who were in the 5-10 year-old range. We put twin beds in the anticipated children’s room. We accumulated age-appropriate toys and accessories.

I felt ready as I could be for a child to come into our family…as long as they weren’t too young.

I listened to the case worker as she described the child that needed a home immediately. Did she just say he was about eight-months-old?

My mind struggled to keep up with the conversation as she quickly gave me what information she had, but my thoughts about the child’s age competed for air-time.

“We don’t have anything that a child this young needs. Nothing.“, I thought to myself. And, I didn’t know if I had the energy to foster an eight-month-old baby.

Yet, I had no other reason to not accept this placement, especially when the caseworker stated that in her opinion the baby would stay with us for only a couple of weeks. Several extended family members had an interest in the child, so most likely he would end up with one of them soon.

I accepted the placement mainly because I felt I could do anything for a couple of weeks.

Two weeks later when I celebrated my 50th birthday, that precious baby boy was still living in our home. In fact, he still is. We adopted him just before his second birthday, and now he is over four-years-old!

I admit, I mentally struggled with being almost 50 years older than my son. I even voiced my concern at times, usually in a joking manner. I wondered if I was too old to adopt a child so much younger than me.

God seemed to notice. I began to meet or learn of several men who had young children later in life. They each expressed the joy and benefits they encountered because of this fact.

Benefits to adoption for older parents:

I am never too old to love and provide a home for a child.
I am better off financially. I have 10-20 years of learning how to manage money, save, and invest. Not that money buys happiness, but it can lend to a less stressful home environment.
I have more life experience. Maybe you have already raised children, or like us have traveled and lived in different parts of the world. At the very least, I have learned from both mistakes and success from living more life.
I understand the brevity of life. I have a better grasp on how quickly life goes by, so I understand the importance of living life and learning life lessons now rather than “getting to it later.”
I have grounded expectations. I don’t place as many expectations on my son as I probably would have in my younger years. Partly this is because I don’t feel the pressure to meet others expectations now like I used to feel.

So, are you too old to adopt a child? Think of it this way, do you think a child would rather have older parents…or no parents at all?

If you want to read our entire foster and adoption story, check out Adopting the Father’s Heart.

Kenneth Camp is a longtime Austinite. Although he married his beautiful wife over 25 years ago; they adopted their son in September 2012. He loves being a writer after previous careers that include project management, missionary, and pastor. He enjoys sports (both watching and playing), traveling, reading, digging in dirt and hanging with friends and family. You can find more of his writing on his blog.

3:04 pm by Penelope

Win an Autographed Copy of Nia Vardalos’ Instant Mom

I’m so excited to offer the readers of Foster2Forever a chance to win a copy of Instant Mom – autographed by Nia Vardalos herself!!!

If you haven’t read this book –> What are you waiting for???

The writer and actress of My Big Fat Greek Wedding honestly shares about how she became a mom of a preschooler instantly with a phone call! I could certainly relate to her frantic last minute preparations for a child, as anyone that has been a foster parent can understand.

For the first time, Nia reveals her secret struggles with infertility, all while her Hollywood career was skyrocketing, and having to field questions such as “Any baby news?”

I loved this book and highly recommend it for anyone interested in adoption.

GIVEAWAY – Enter to win via the Rafflecopter below! Ends Tuesday, April 14, 2015 at midnight. (Note: Nia or her publisher, HarperOne are no way associated with this giveaway.)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

1:20 pm by Penelope

The Attachment Style of Your Parents Determines Yours

What does your parents’ attachment style have to do with you?

EVERYTHING! The best predictor of a person’s attachment style is their parents’ attachment style. A person’s attachment style for parenting is developed while very young and is usually stable throughout their lifetime. In other words, we tend to parent the way we were parented. Only 15% of foster/adoptive parents are secure in their attachment!

4 Attachment Styles

(review these to determine your parents’ attachment style)

Secure
Insecure (organized) – Avoidant
Insecure (organized) – Ambivalent
Insecure – Disorganized

Research indicates that children who were raised in a home with secure attachments, will in turn parent their children with a secure attachment style. 60% of the general population have a secure attachment style.

Adults who were raised in a home with an avoidant attachment style will parent their children with a dismissive attachment style. Dismissively attached adults are excellent at providing for physical needs but are weak in their ability to combine the emotional response with the physical need. Dismissive parents struggle with emotional connection and valuing relationships.

Those adults who were raised in a home with an ambivalent attachment style will parent their children with a preoccupied attachment style. They may provide inconsistent and unpredictable care to their child, at times being available, and at other times being too overwhelmed or busy to respond appropriately to their children’s needs.

And those adults who were raised by parents with a disorganized attachment style will parent their children with unresolved issues affecting their attachment. Oftentimes, these are well-meaning adults who are excellent caregivers when their own trauma isn’t being triggered. However, when the parent’s trauma is triggered, these parents become emotionally or behaviorally unpredictable or even scary to the child, thus not allowing the child’s to attach securely to the parent.

PARENTS ATTACHMENT STYLE	ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLE	GENERAL POPULATION	FOSTER/ADOPT PARENTS
Secure	Secure	60%	15%
Insecure - Avoidant	Dismissive	20%	40%
Insecure - Ambivalent	Preoccupied	15%	15%
Disorganized	Unresolved	5%	30%

What is your attachment parenting style?

While 60% of the general population has a secure attachment style, only 15% of foster/adoptive parents are secure in their attachment style!

70% of foster/adoptive parents have dismissive or unresolved attachment styles!

How can we help our children attain a secure attachment style if we have an insecure attachment style?

If you see that your attachment history is not secure, don’t fret, there is good news! Researchers and clinicians agree that it is possible for adults to develop “earned” secure attachment.

Journaling
Prayer
Developing a practice of mindfulness of your parenting
Talking with a trusted friend or spouse
Professional counseling
Group counseling or parent support group

It is not what happened to you as a child that matters — it’s how you make sense of what happened to you. You need to understand the impact of your childhood experiences, and you must acknowledge the positive and negative aspects of your childhood. The important thing is for you to be able to reflect on your childhood experiences without becoming overcome with emotion, flooded with the past, and preoccupied with the present.

Source: Gobbel Counseling

http://orphancareresources.org/resource/parents-attachment-style

12:12 pm by Penelope

Win an Adoption Ornament from Hallmark {giveaway}

CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL THE ADOPTIONS THAT FINALIZED IN 2014!!
Thank you for providing forever homes!!! As a special THANK YOU, I’m giving away 3 special Hallmark ornaments to commemorate this special year for your family!

GIVEAWAY OVER!! Congratulations to Tammy, Becca & Emily!!!

4:37 pm by Penelope

Protecting My Mexican Baby Against the Evil Eye

Our Baby’s Evil Eye Baby Bracelet

Five years ago, I received that life-changing call: “We have a 3-month-old baby boy that needs a home.” He was absolutely a good and perfect gift from above! (James 1:17)

For the first time in my life, I fell in love at first sight! But there was another woman that was already in love with him. This baby’s birthmother loved him, and she wanted him safe, even if not with her.

When Lil Bit arrived, on his tiny infant wrist was a little red bead bracelet – a “Deer’s Eye” bracelet or in Spanish “Ojo de Venado” bracelet. It had a big brown charm or “deer eye” bearing the image of Virgin Mary. The big brown charm or “deer eye” is actually made from the dark brown seed of a plant known as Velvet Bean or Cowhage with the image of Virgin Mary and finished with a fluffy red tassel — some actually believe the charm to be an actual dried deer eye.

Evil Eye Meaning

The Ojo de Venado or Deer’s Eye charm is a Mexican form of magical protection against the evil eye. The evil eye belief is that a person (not an evil person per se) — can harm you or your children by looking at them with envy and praising them without touching them.

The evil eye causes a sickness transmitted — usually without intention — by someone who is envious, jealous, or covetous. “Mal de ojo” manifests itself as a feverish sickness that leaves a baby hot, uncomfortable and whiny. So, when infants enter a home from outside, and are hot and cranky, the belief by many Mexicans is that someone had looked at them with a desire to touch them, and didn’t.

Egg and the Evil Eye

The ‘Mal de Ojo’ causes the baby to be hot and cranky, and the baby must be “cleaned” with an egg to take the illness away and calm them down. The procedure it to take an egg and rub the baby’s body and head with it. The egg is then cracked it into cup of water, and the water is then examined to ensure that the “evil” is removed.

Although our family doesn’t believe in the Mexican belief of the ‘Mal de Ojo’, we do signify its importance to the birthmother. Our Lil Bit’s Deer Eye bracelet has a special place on our Christmas tree. That small ornament on our Christmas tree signifies a special gift from his birthmother that demonstrates her love for her baby boy and desire to protect him from harm. Our baby is loved!