Foster2Forever

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No Time-Out???

Many foster children are removed from their families for physical abuse. Not simply spankings, but beatings! Bruises, marks, and scars!

These darling children come to live in our foster home after this abuse. They are perfect little angels, and you wonder how did this happen.

For a little while. And then: DEMANDS, FITS, HITTING, WHINING – the behaviors that would challenge the Dalai Lama…

These children NEED structure, boundaries, discipline…

As a foster parent, you CANNOT spank!

1-2-3-TIME OUT!!! Yes! That’s it! The perfect method to discipline a child.

I’m going out on a limb to say “NO”!

time-in-discipline

As readers of this website may know, our 3-year-old son adopted through foster care is the master of fit-throwing. (Yesterday, as I was driving down the road, he was throwing Easter eggs at me from the back seat. I threw them out the window as he threw them at me. Observers probably thought the Easter bunny was driving by.)

We institute the 1-2-3 time-out as discipline for misbehavior. However, this week, I did something different.

time in discipline“NO! You are not getting candy for supper! Stop hitting me and go sit in your father’s lap right now and tell him what you did was wrong!”

Would you believe it calmed him down sooner, and he behaved the rest of the evening?

A TIME-IN! Time-In Discipline?

Last year, we had a 12-year-old foster child, Big Helper, whose mother had voluntarily given up her children instead of divorcing her incarcerated husband. (I don’t get it either)

Big Helper was dealing with intense feelings of the ultimate rejection.  I began to notice that her most intense breakdowns occurred after she got in trouble. At one point, she even ran away one evening while I was out-of-town on business. Apparently, the time-out form of discipline was another rejection to her, and she simply was emotionally overwhelmed.

I didn’t know anything of a time-in until just before she left us.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

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Challenges of our Abused Children {Blog Hop}

During April, National Child Abuse Prevention month, Foster2Forever will be hosting a link-up on topics in regard to the abused and neglected children that we, as foster parents, bring into our home.

Last week’s topic of dealing with the feelings and emotions our foster children had some great tools on how to deal with those explosive behaviors! You must read all of them!

Our featured blogger is Sarah Thacker!  I still have to deal with Stinkpot’s outbursts occasionally and will be using the methods discussed in her post to calm him. Thanks Sarah! And thanks to the other bloggers who linked up last week!

This week’s topic is Challenges/Trauma/Neglect. This is a very broad topic so we’re hoping many of you will join us this week. Go ahead and add a post from the past!

Or you can write a new post!

Foster2Forever will feature one blogger next week!

Next week’s topic:

April 25-30 Overcoming the Past (I can’t wait to read your posts on success stories!)

Feel free to grab the code and add this blog hop to your website.

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A Foster Child’s Grief

“This isn’t happening to me!  I can’t believe it! My mom wouldn’t just give me away. She loves me. But why would she choose HIM over me, after what he did to us? I can’t believe she would choose HIM! She didn’t even say goodbye. Why would she sign me away right before my birthday? I hate her! Maybe if I would’ve been better she wouldn’t have chose to stay with HIM and she would have wanted me. I should have been better. I shouldn’t have talked back to her. It’s all my fault! I wish I were dead.”
Free Overexposed Faux Vintage Film Scared Crying Child Creative Commons
The above statement is only loosely based on the story of one of our foster children.  Some of these statements I heard at different times while she was in our home. A child going through the grief of losing her birth family.

A foster child may experience a very real grief – a grief much like grief experienced when a loved one dies. The saddest part is that many foster children don’t move through the stages of grief to final acceptance.

Denial – Usually is a short phase of grief until reality sets in; however, due to the deceit she experienced with her birth family, our foster child could never really trust that what happened: truly did happen.  Some foster children can have such serious issues of trust, that they can stay in this stage, literally  denying everything in their life and blaming others for their circumstances. Is this why some cannot take responsibility for their actions?

Anger – How many foster children get stuck in this stage?

Bargaining – “If only I were a good kid, this wouldn’t happen.” “If only, I would have…” Sadly this stage brings about feelings of guilt which moves to the next stage.

Depression – How many foster children are taking some sort of anti-depressant to deal with their losses? How many are stuck in this stage?

Acceptance – Sadly our foster child could never really accept her loss. Foster families were “fake families” and she was simply waiting for her 18th birthday to run back to her real family. How many of our youth in foster care have accepted their loss and moved on?

What is your experience with foster children and stages of grief?

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Feelings and Emotions of Abused Children {Blog Hop}

During April, National Child Abuse Prevention month, Foster2Forever will be hosting a link-up on topics in regard to the abused and neglected children that we, as foster parents, bring into our home.

This week’s topic is Feelings/Emotions.

You can write a new post or just go ahead and add a post from the past! Foster2Forever will feature one blogger next week!

Last week’s topic of bonding with our foster children had some really great posts – it was difficult to choose one to feature. However, Quacken Baby’s post on the attachment exercises she performs with her child really opened my eyes on the different games we can play with our kids to form healthy attachments slowly, if need be. The post is labeled as a “Must Read” and it is!

Future topics:

April 18-23 Challenges/Loss/Trauma/Neglect

April 25-30 Overcoming the Past

Feel free to grab the code and add this blog hop to your website.

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Little Love Tokens

Little Love Tokens Aren’t these fabulous?

Adoption Pendant NecklaceAdoption Pendant Necklace
Kristy, tell us about yourself.
I am a fun-loving mom of two sweet, feisty, precious boys – Charlie who is 7 and Jackson who is 10 – and a hound dog and a scottie dog. We live in College Station, TX and love the Aggies. I have always been a creative, entrepreneurial type of girl who is full of ideas…some good and some bad. I love to travel, but I a have run out of money and time right now. I think the best way to ruin your day is to plan it. You may not accomplish much, but you will learn a lot.
How did you start your jewelry business?
I started my jewelry business on a whim. I have always liked rustic, artisan style silver jewelry and became interested in making it. After researching it, I bought some supplies online and went to work. The first pendant I produced was a K wax seal initial pendant and I wear it everyday. I love that my Little Love Tokens are reflective of who we are: imperfect yet charming.
You donate a portion of the proceeds to the Adoption Foundation of Tennessee. What lead you to that cause?
What prompted me to make my adoption piece was that I have a friend in Tennessee who runs the Adoption Foundation of Tennessee and she saw my necklaces on Facebook and asked if I would design a piece for her organization. I jumped at the idea. I feel so blessed to be able to help families adopt precious children. It breaks my heart that so many wonderful families can’t adopt because of the costs involved. It is an honor to be able to help with this endeavor.

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It’s Me or the Blankie!

This week, our 3-year-old, Stinkpot, who we adopted through foster care, accidentally smashed his finger in a door.  The poor boy was screaming in pain as I ran to him.  He was screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”

As I scooped him in my arms, he continued screaming, “Blankie! Blankie!”  As his mother, I wasn’t able to comfort him. I asked him, “Do you want Mommy to hold you or do you want Blankie?”

“I waaaaaannnnnttt Blankie!”

foster child attachment

Stinkpot at 10 months old with Blankie

Stinkpot’s attachment to Blankie has been one of the strongest forms of attachment of any child.

  • Blankie is the baby blanket given to his by the hospital of his birth.
  • Blankie was the only thing that he had when he was removed from his birth family at 8 months old.
  • Blankie with all its cigarette burn holes was probably his only consistent form of security during those 8 months of neglect.

As Stinkpot’s mother, on many occasions, I have felt that he is more attached to Blankie than me. And is some ways that could be true.

Because of Stinkpot’s behavior issues, I chose for the year 2011 to be a focus of transformation for Stinkpot and our family.

The first and foremost was TIME! I took leave from work to spend more time with Stinkpot, less time at work or on the computer, and more time focused on him! This has helped in that he now has a desire to be with me more.

Second, I participated in The Rockin’ Mama Challenge hosted by Lisa of A Bushel and a Peck.  The challenge was to rock our wounded little ones for 15 minutes EVERY day. The first few days were tough for our hyperactive 3-year-old; however, now he asks to be rocked almost every day.

He is still very attached to Blankie; however, last night, he left Blankie at church and did well sleeping with Cars Blankie! One step at a time!

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Bonding with our Abused Children {Blog Hop}

During April, National Child Abuse Prevention month, Foster2Forever will be hosting a link-up on topics in regard to the abused and neglected children that we, as foster parents, bring into our home.

This week’s topic is Bonding/Attachment.

You can write a new post or just go ahead and add a post from the past!  Foster2Forever will feature one blogger on Sunday!

This link-up is for foster or adoptive families that have brought abused or neglected children into their homes.

Future topics:

April 11-16   Feelings/Emotions

April 18-23   Challenges/Loss/Trauma/Neglect

April 25-30   Overcoming the Past

Feel free to grab the code and add this blog hop to your website.

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April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month

A Foster Parent’s Perspective – Preventing Child Abuse

When Penny asked me to write a guest blog for National Child Abuse Prevention month, I said ‘yes!’  Then I thought, ‘What have I done? ‘ I don’t know anything about child abuse Prevention. I know some about child abuse.  I know a little, and I stress little, more about dealing with abused children. But, prevention – not so much.

Click this to get your own widget

So, here we are – National Child Abuse Prevention month. While I do not claim to be an expert in any sense of the word, I do believe that these thoughts are practical ways that will reach multiple generations, if we are willing to say yes.

My husband and I have been foster parents for the last 16 months.  Fostering has opened our eyes to a broken, overworked system that focuses on putting out immediate fires with little regard for long term consequences.   Please understand, the system is broken – not necessarily the people who work in the system.

One really great person that works in this system is the Child Advocate or CASA volunteer. We have the most amazing CASA volunteer and are blessed to be in a county that requires every child be assigned a volunteer.  The CASA volunteer’s job is simply to speak on behalf of the child.  Because, they are volunteers, they work with the kids because they WANT to, not because they have to.  These volunteers provide the child a voice, that isn’t looking out for their own interests – like attorneys, CPS, judges, etc.  So, what can you do?  If you are not a foster parent, sign up to be a volunteer.   Be the voice of an abused child and help prevent abuse for the next generation.

Our fostering process has had SO many ups and downs.  Our intention has always been that we would adopt one or more children through fostering, which is the riskiest decision we have ever made.  I’m not good at making relationship boundaries; I’m an “all in” kinda girl…which makes fostering SO hard for me. Anyway,  about 10 months into fostering our daughter, I had an epiphany.  While losing a child would be the worst loss of my life, I get the opportunity to lay a foundation of love, hope and joy for a child whose foundation would have been abuse, drugs, drama and who knows what else.  That, my friends, may be the ultimate way to personally impact the prevention of child abuse, the riskiest perhaps, but worth it.

So, remember at the beginning when I said we have to be willing to say yes?  Well, that may be the hardest part!

Melody, from I Heart…small kitchen appliances, is a wife, mom and children’s pastor who currently resides in the Greater Houston area.  She enjoys creating – food, crafts and organized chaos!  When she isn’t at home or church you will find her behind a 1929 baby grand practicing for a choral concert.

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How to Create a Facebook Fanpage

Hi,  I’m Sydney from Forever After Blog Designs! Today, I am here to do a guest post for Penny on creating a Facebook Fan Page. I’m so excited to do this, and I am hoping to get the word out about my fairly new business! I do all aspects of blog redesign, but instead of charging a fee for my services, I ask people to donate to an adopting family. You can visit my site to learn more about the cause and about how to get your own design done. Now, let me show you how to go about creating a fan page for your blog on Facebook!

Facebook Fan Pages are a great way to spread the word about your business or blog, and update people on the latest happenings. They are very easy to make too! I will show you in just a few simple steps:

1. Log into Facebook, or create an account if you don’t have one yet.

2. Go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/create.php

It should look like this when you get there:

3. For a blog fan page, click on ‘Brand or Product’. Select ‘Website’ as your category and type in the name of your blog for company name. Then click ‘Get Started’!

After clicking ‘Get Started’:

4.  Now, it’s time to edit the info about your blog. Click the ‘info’ link on the left sidebar.

Once there, add any information you want about your blog (Be sure to include your website address) and click ‘Save Changes’.

5.  Now, you can do anything! Upload your header image, Add a ‘Like’ box to your blog, post your first status update, etc.

  • These options are all conveniently located on your ‘Get Started’ page for you easy access. Each option provides you with thorough instructions.

  • To post on your wall, just click ‘Wall’ on your sidebar and type your text in the text box once you get there.

There you go! You officially have a Facebook Fan Page! Wasn’t that easy? Now, you will have a great way to promote your business and/or blog.

If you would like for your blog to automatically post to your new Facebook fanpage, you can syndicate through Networked Blogs. Read the Getting Started Guide to add your blog to Networked Blogs. (If you are concerned about privacy, you can be an anonymous author of your blog)

If you have a Facebook fanpage, add your link below.  Be sure to “LIKE” http://facebook.com/foster2forever

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