Foster2Forever

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Our Foster Baby is Officially an Orphan!!!

Hearts (Explored!)The birth father’s rights were terminated in court today! We will be able to adopt our 18-month-old foster baby, Lil Bit, as soon as his citizenship is certified.

My morning started with a call that my mom was in serious condition at the hospital with heart problems.  Here are my Facebook status updates:

  • On the way to termination hearing & just learned that my mom is in serious condition at the hospital 4 hrs away. #needprayer
  • Our foster baby is officially an orphan so we can finally adopt him!!!
    (After he becomes a US citizen, that is.)
  • Mom is still in the hospital with heart problems. Docs are giving shock treatments to get it beating right.
  • Mom is not getting better. Blood pressure dropped drastically today. Scheduled for heart procedure tomorrow. She doesn’t want me to go there

I am being the always defiant daughter and not minding her! I will be out-of-town for the next few days…

You can keep up on Facebook or Twitter…

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When a Lawyer Calls

Remember that movie When A Stranger Calls?  The memorable line was “The call is coming from inside your house!“phone

In our foster care version, the movie is titled: When a Lawyer Calls, which has the tag line: “The call is coming from inside your bank account!”

Our attorney didn’t actually call, he just sent an email, but it costs the same. ($60)

He had forwarded a long string of State emails sent to him by the baby’s ad litem attorney.

As far as I could make out, the emails stated that our foster baby will be put on a waiting list to receive his U.S. citizenship certification. This process through U.S. Immigration could take a number of months, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Our attorney, Mr. MoneyBags, wants to meet today to discuss how this will play out in tomorrow’s termination hearing.

To follow along as events unfold –
http://Facebook.com/foster2forever
Or twitter,
http://twitter.com/foster2forever

Also, today check out The Lark’s Nest Mama Mania Monday! I’m one of the Mamas discussing foster care!!!

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The Case of the Missing Birth Father

What do you do when a birth parent can’t be found? Can their parental rights automatically be terminated?

Lil Bit’s birth father is missing. All we know is that he is somewhere in Mexico. The State has been working with the Mexican consulate to locate the father; however, the dad has a fairly common name. For example, imagine trying to find an “Eduardo Hernandez” somewhere in Mexico.

Gavel

Photo courtesy of walknboston on Flickr

Termination of parental rights is scheduled for next week; however, the baby’s ad litem attorney is concerned.  Last week, she called a special hearing in order to discuss this matter with the judge.  After making numerous changes to our family’s schedules, I was able to make it to the hearing.

Our less-expensive attorney (at only $200 per hour) is waiting as I walk up to the courthouse.

“Bad news. The docket is overflowing from this morning and there is no telling how long it will be before this case goes before the judge.”

Oh great! ($200 times all afternoon equals a butt-load of money!!!)

We go inside and take a seat in the courtroom. Strangely, the judge comes out and as everyone is standing, he says, “No, no, you can remain sitting.” At this point, my attorney excuses himself.

A few minutes later, as others are squeezing into the bench beside me, our attorney comes up to me and nudges me to follow him outside.

After making our way out the door into the hall, he tells me that he and the ad litem had already met with the judge in his chambers.  Apparently, the judge addressed the ad litem’s concerns by appointing an attorney to represent the birth father’s interests – an attorney to represent the birth father’s empty chair at the termination hearing still scheduled for next week.

Let’s hope this new attorney doesn’t request a continuance….

Thanks to Danni for the support. She is currently enrolled in online social work courses and spends her free time as a nanny and volunteer at the
local food bank.

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Grieving the Loss of a Family Member

This week has been rough!  We have been exhausted since our vacation and the time change.  And today, we found my dog of 13 years died after being hit by a car.  (She constantly dug out of the yard)

For 13 years, Sydney was my companion, friend, protector, and daughter.

I feel sad, guilty and totally unmotivated in my grief.

As a single girl in Houston, the love and loyalty of my dogs became the standard I held for a potential mate.

  • Happy to see me when I walked in the door no matter how long I’d been shopping
  • Look at me adoringly, waiting for my next command
  • Drink my bath water…

I was single for a very long time!!!  (I finally decided to set more reasonable standards for a husband)

This weekend is full of tasks that I hope to have the motivation to complete, including blog posts.

Right now, we are just trying to decide how to deal with her remains.

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Inefficiency in Foster Care Court Hearings

Sometimes the court hearings for foster children are a complete waste of time. The so-called status hearings anyway…

“Nothing has changed, your honor, since the last hearing six months ago.” I guess it’s a necessary part of the process to make sure no child gets lost in the foster care system.
Miami County Fair 2008 - Miami County Scene Category
However, last Friday, I received an email from our attorney ($60 to be billed later) stating that there is a status hearing for our 18-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, scheduled for Tuesday, and we should plan to attend.

I shouldn’t have a problem with this, should I? But I do…

Here’s my problem:  The final termination hearing is scheduled for two weeks later!  Why have 2 hearings?

I’m sending an email back to my attorney (another $60 plus) to request that the status hearing be postponed until the final hearing.

Sounds reasonable, right?

If you’d like to keep up with this drama in real time, you can “like” Foster2Forever on Facebook or “follow” Foster2Forever on Twitter.

Hugs! ~penelope

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6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

open-adoption-in-foster-care

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark).  I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now!  My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues.  We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything!  If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

Foster Care Open Adoption **Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness.  These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort).  Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart.  As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones.  As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary.  These children have been hurt once before.  Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears.  On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)!  After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings.  They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse.  Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long.  Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen.  NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state.  I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child.  After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother.  Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness.  Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.)  When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him.  (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship?  Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable!  Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level!   Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet.  Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them.  A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free.  It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids.  I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using…   Educate yourselves!  And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!!  Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations.  It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you.  Be honest in your dealings!  Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are.  They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!!  I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members.  Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us.  The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family.  They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time…  Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her.  Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children.  Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception.  Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries.  Some of our boundaries include:

  • No babysitting!
  • She is never alone with the girls.  We always do “family activities”.
  • No showing up without an invitation.
  • No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same!  If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place.  If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over.  If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them!  Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable.  Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all.  If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment.  If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children.  If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth.  Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back  in the situation where they originated from.  DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement!  Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option.  Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no.  (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!)   Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive.  Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship.  Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open.  Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact.  As parents, do what works best for your family!!  This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us.  We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much.  She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

Foster Care Open Adoption“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.”  Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another.  As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.

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When a Foster Child Lags Behind

Learning to roll over, follow your voice, sit up, walk, and talk are important developmental milestones for infants and toddlers to reach.

Also, the Early Childhood Interventionage your child reaches these milestones is equally important: You can possibly foretell a child’s learning potential or perhaps another underlying issue by examining a child’s development pattern.

Our Lil Bit is a big baby – at the 95th percentile for weight. Given his chunkiness, it took him longer to roll over, put weight on his legs, crawl and walk. Since he was behind on all these milestones, his caseworker at the time requested that he be evaluated for developmental delays by our state’s Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) program.

Early Childhood Intervention is a result of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) which, among other requirements, mandates that infants and toddlers with disabilities or developmental delays receive support services from birth to age 3. (Local school districts provide services for children over the age of 3.)

In October, at 14 months, our Lil Bit was evaluated by ECI on the following criteria:

  • Cognitive: difficulty with playing, learning and thinking
  • Motor: gross, fine and oral
  • Communication: limited understanding or responses in communicating with others
  • Social-emotional: attachment problems, limited parent/family interactions or behavior concerns
  • Self-help skills: feeding

    • Although behind (mostly fine motor skills), he was still within the normal developmental range.

    Flash forward to February, at 18-months-old, our Lil Bit is becoming increasingly behind in his communication. He does babble, but says very few words and rarely calls for mama or dada. (At 18 months, Lil Bit should be saying 8-10 words)  In December, his hearing was checked and was normal. He is social so we don’t have too much of a concern for autism. But we are concerned, especially seeing his classmates in daycare saying so much.

    Lil Bit was evaluated again last week by ECI and was markedly behind in communication. An Individualized Family Service Plan (IFSP) is being developed to assist us in helping Lil Bit catch up, with an emphasis on speech therapy. These services are provided free of charge regardless of income or immigration status.

    This 4-minute video by CDC gives a good overview of how to recognize child development problems early.
    Early Recognition of Childhood Development Problems

    Is your child on target for meeting developmental milestones?  Here is a great resource for checking important developmental milestones.

    If you would like to have your child evaluated, here is a List of State Early Childhood Coordinators to find one in your state. Evaluations and assessments are free.

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    Foster Baby Arrives! Then Adopted!

    On March 4, 2008 at around 3pm, I received a call from the State for an 8-month-old baby boy that needed a foster home. “Foster only“, she repeated twice. “Sure!” was my quick response.

    If you recall, that was presidential primary election day. My husband & I were planning to attend our precinct convention that evening & were excited about the possibility of attending the Texas Republican convention again, this time in a presidential election year.

    However, this call from the State changed our focus from that night forward.

    A State investigator from an adjacent county arrived at our home at 6:45 that Tuesday evening carrying in her arms the cutest baby boy. His bright eyes lit up as he smiled at us for the first time. His bottom 2 teeth gleaming. He was wearing an olive corduroy jacket over his navy onesie with the cutest navy & white striped pants. He was wearing navy tennis shoes! So adorable!


    I can only rely on my memory as I didn’t have the foresight to grab my camera.
    (A mistake I haven’t made again!)

    As the State investigator began telling us the story on this baby, we were thinking “how can anybody neglect a baby that way?” He came with next to nothing & had been kept in his car seat & dirty diapers. What a horrible diaper rash he had! (This is one reason we are having such a difficult time potty-training him now!) He was 8 months old & couldn’t sit up or even roll over! He was also very sick. (Look at those poor little sick eyes!)

    That first night was TORTURE! He was so congested that he could only sleep 15 minutes at a time – ALL NIGHT LONG! It was the most exhausting night of my life!

    The next morning I drove 1-1/2 to pick up my mother-in-law to help me. I had no idea how to care for an infant! (When pregnant, you have nearly 8-9 months to prepare.) I was an instant Mommy!
    For the next 2 weeks, we had DAILY trips to Walmart to pick up some type of baby paraphernalia that we needed. I was absolutely, totally FRAZZLED for at least 6 weeks solid – overwhelmed by the incredible responsibility of instant motherhood!
    As time went on, it became more apparent that this baby wouldn’t be going back to his parents. He did have a full brother 2 years older that was living with his grandparents. The baby would have been sent to live with his grandparents, but they were already raising SIX of their other grandchildren!
    Once the parental rights were terminated, the grandparents realized that we could provide more for the baby than they could & decided to allow us to adopt him.
    What a handsome little man he has become!
    foster infant child kid adopting adopted
    As challenging as our JD has been, he has been an amazing blessing in our lives!
    Have a great weekend!

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    Check Out Our New Home!

    Welcome to our new home!!!

    Foster2Forever is now a dot com!!!

    I’m so excited about this website!  By using CommentLuv, we can have better comment communication. (Any response to your comments can be emailed directly to you if you wish with no spam.)

    Also, when making comments you can add your web address and your latest post title will show up with your comment. How cool is that? I’m excited that this tool will help us expand our network of foster parents and make us a larger yet more tight-knit community.

    I know that this site is pretty bland right now as I learn the WordPress platform.  Good news is that the Foster2Forever site will be undergoing a site redesign by Jessica of The Frilly Coconut.  I met Jessica at Bloggy Boot Camp, and she does incredible work.

    With the new site, are there certain topics you would like to discuss?  What do you like about the new site?  What do you dislike?

    Be sure and let me know by leaving a comment below (and add your website address!)

    Thanks for all your support during this transition to the new Foster2Forever website.

    Have a blessed day!

    I’m Clever

    Sway