Foster2Forever

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When Do-Overs Don’t Work: A Child’s BIG Emotions

I have a defiant child!  His challenging behaviors can be so frustrating as a parent attempting to help him.

Last month, I discussed the “Do-Over” as a technique to teach your child appropriate behavior as an alternative to other forms of discipline.

However, sometimes, such as during this scary blow-up rage at church, DO-OVERS JUST DON’T WORK!

My son, JD, was in full rage mode & nothing we could do was calming him down. We were desperate, and racing to the local hospital for help. In fact, he didn’t calm down until we actually pulled up to the hospital.

A few months ago, I read The Whole-Brain Child along with Lisa Qualls and a few of her readers of One Thankful Mom.

Child-Emotions-Behavior-Problems-Parenting

One of the helpful strategies that I began using during one of JD’s meltdowns is:

Whole Brain Strategy #2: Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions.

Name It to Tame It helps children not be overwhelmed by their feelings. The authors note that we can: “name and tame the emotions we are experiencing, rather than be{ing} overwhelmed by them.”  This storytelling process can help a child make sense of their experiences.

One thing that we’ve noticed with JD’s rages is that they usually occur when he hasn’t eaten a good meal in a while.  During these rages, I’ve began repeating to him: “oh, you must be hungry…you get really grumpy when you’re hungry…what would you like to eat?”

By adding these narrative details while JD is raging, I’m hoping to help him make sense of what he’s experiencing with these BIG emotions and what he’s feeling in his body.  Then hopefully, one day, he will realize that he’s hungry and just say “I’m hungry!”

That scary blow-up at church was so perplexing to us because he had eaten nearly two grilled cheese sandwiches before church!  That intense rage (the worst in over a year) frightened us more than ever about what could be going on inside our little boy’s brain.  I was in tears holding and praying over my son as we drove that ten minutes to the hospital.toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachment

After that ordeal, when we finally made it home and walked in the door, what do you think Stinkpot said to me? Yes! That’s right!

I’M HUNGRY.

How do you help your child deal with BIG emotions?

You can read The Whole-Brain Child on your Kindle or listen through Audible (how I read it).

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Mindy McCready Commits Suicide While Kids Back in Foster Care

Country singer Mindy McCready is dead after an apparent suicide, just one month after her boyfriend commits suicide.  Her children, Zane (age 6), and Zander (age 10 months) were placed back in foster care last week, as McCready checked herself back into rehab.

In November 2011, she made national headlines when she kidnapped her then 5-year-old son the boy from her mother, Gayle Inge, who had legal custody with her husband, Michael.  McCready had taken her son to her home in Arkansas, saying she had “concerns over his safety”.

After authorities found Zander days later hiding with his mother in a closet in her home, the Arkansas Division of Children and Family Services took custody of the child and placed him in foster care.

In December 2011, she won back custody of her son, instead of her mother. She met her “soulmate” David Wilson, gave birth to his son, Zander, less than a year ago. However, her happy ending didn’t last long.

On January 13th, David died of what was first ruled a “self-inflicted gunshot wound”; however, police were still investigating last week.

On February 6th, a judge had ordered her committed to a mental health facility after she admitted she had been drinking too much, and her sons were placed in foster care again. Her father said she was also abusing prescription drugs again.  McCready spent just one day in rehab before she was allowed to go home.

She was found last night dead of a gunshot wound at the same location her boyfriend had died. She shot the family dog before turning the gun on herself.

Please pray for Mindy McCready’s sons who still remain in foster care in Arkansas!

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Chat with Foster Parent Nia Vardalos on Wednesday

nia-vardalos-daughter-adoption-foster-care

Writer and star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Nia Vardalos firmly believed she was supposed to be a mom, but Mother Nature and modern medicine had put her in a headlock. So she made a choice that shocked friends, family, and even herself: with only fourteen hours’ notice, she became an instant mom to a preschooler through foster care.

Instant Mom is Nia’s hilarious and poignant true chronicle of her attempts to become a mother. With her signature wit and candor, she describes her and husband Ian Gomez’s bumpy road to parenting, how they found their daughter, and what happened next. Nia includes a comprehensive how-to-adopt section and explores innovative ways to conquer the challenges all new moms face, from sleep to personal grooming. She learns that whether via biology, relationship, or adoption—motherhood comes in many forms.  Some families are created in different ways but are still, in every way, a family.


You can also view the trailer for Nia’s book, Instant Mom, here.

LIVE CHAT WITH NIA VARDALOS ON WEDNESDAY

This Wednesday, February 13th at 2pm EST/11am PST, you can live chat with Nia about her book on Twitter. Just follow @NiaVardalos and the #InstantMom hashtag.

You can win an autographed copy of Instant Mom by tweeting your questions for Nia in advance to @HarperOne with the #InstantMom hashtag. [Official Rules]

You can pre-purchase Instant Mom (due out April 2nd) via:  AMAZON, BARNES & NOBLE, BOOKS-A-MILLION, or IBOOKSTORE!

Do you “tweet”? Will you be joining us on Wednesday? Add your Twitter handle below!

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New Foster Care Placements: Will It Work for Your Family?

Day: Sunday

Time: 7:30 p.m.

Location: Our Church

It happened again! I hadn’t seen THIS in nearly a year. And I was not prepared. (If you follow on Twitter, you know.)

Our kids were enjoying their Sunday night Awanas program. At the end of the evening, I went to pick up 3- year-old Lil Bit, as my husband went to pick up 5-year-old Stinkpot.  After waiting for over 5 minutes in the atrium with Lil Bit, my husband came from the stairwell alone. The look on his face told me that our strong-willed Stinkpot was refusing to leave.

As I stood up to meet him, a loud roar rumbled through the atrium. The echo making it more powerful.

And as quick as that, my Stinkpot comes running from the stairwell, his face flushed a bright red, teeth clinched and flashing anger.  He charged at my husband, fists flying, with a fierceness that was as if an evil force had taken control of my little boy.

I quickly interceded, so my husband could make a quick escape with our Lil Bit.  Our hope was that I could calm him. Nothing was working. My face was punched and scratched. He was possessed by his Reactive Attachment Disorder. The sound coming from my little boy’s throat was a frightening growl.

All this time, parents are leaving the atrium, attempting to shield their children from what they were witnessing.

Our Stinkpot finally calmed down. But we are exhausted!

We will do all we can to help our little boy overcome his demons! We know our God is powerful, and we are seeking His wisdom for healing.

On the other hand, an 8-month-old baby girl needs a forever family. This baby girl is my deceased cousin’s great-grandchild, so my relatives are requesting that this baby be placed with us as a kinship placement.  How can we add another child to this chaos?

Please pray for us as we make these important, life-changing decisions!

Have had to you turn down a foster care placement?

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Why Race Matters

Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream. Transracial adoption is truly his dream realized – full integration.  Whites adopting black children to become forever members of their families.  As divided as our nation was at the time, could transracial adoption been fathomed in his dream?

This weekend, we attended a foster parent training entitled “Healthy Racial & Ethnic Identity.”  Race, as our instructor told us, is the white elephant in the room. Her words to us were: “Race matters.”

As an African-American mother of a gifted & talented African-American son, our presenter spoke openly about the reality of how race matters to our children, even today.

Teen filmmaker, Kiri Davis, explores the message that society gives African-American children in her video – A Girl Like Me.

Halfway into the 7 minute film, she shows African-American preschoolers 2 baby dolls, identical except for skin color.  Watch what happens when she asks: “Which is the bad doll?”

I can’t help but tear up when she asks the little girl why. “Because she’s black.”
Julian Abagond writes more about the Brown vs. Board of Education doll experiment.

Another heartbreaking point in the film is the African-American teen who began wearing her hair natural, then her own mother tells her that her hair looks too African. What?

Another good film about the importance of race and ethnicity, produced by the Casey Family Services, is Knowing Who You Are, where former foster children and birthfamilies openly discuss integration.

Skin color may not mean anything to you. You may truly be “color-blind;” however, at some point in our children’s lives, someone will point out their differences to them, as they try to fit in.  Skin color is just one of those external factors. We can’t ignore it.

Honestly, can your African-American son safely go for a walk in your neighborhood at night?  Or could he end up as Trayvon Martin, the African-American teenager shot in Florida last February by a neighborhood watch coordinator?

Our speaker even asked a friend that is an officer with the Austin Police Department about what route her African-American 16-year-old son should drive to school.  His words to her: “Take the interstate – your son will get stopped by the police if he drives through the neighborhood!”

The takeaway of the training was that race matters in society and as parents you have to be aware of that.

  • Realize that, at some point, your child will probably be stereotyped according to their race;
  • Give your child proactive and protective messages about their individual abilities and identity;
  • Help your child identify themselves as something other than race (“I am a girl who enjoys reading vampire novels”)

What issues or controversies have you encountered with transracial adoption?

 

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Using Do-Overs as Discipline?

Confession: I am the mother of a defiant, demanding, strong-willed child! I’m starting to believe “Misbehavior” might be his middle name. 🙂

My 5-year-old son, already a know-it-all, is 5 years old going on 15. What an attitude! (One doctor has diagnosed him with Reactive Attachment Disorder) And it’s with this child that I feel the most insecure about my parenting skills.

I certainly don’t want to punish him all the time for his constant misbehavior.  In just a short time, I can quickly take away every single privilege that this stubborn child has – with no real benefit.  His defiant behavior doesn’t change! And through all this misbehavior, I seem to be just punishing myself.


Enter the “Do-Over” – a concept originally introduced to me through his play therapist last year.

However, now that I’m currently reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Dr. Karyn Purvis, the “do-over” is emphasized and explained in more detail.

The “IDEAL” Approach to handle misbehavior discussed in the book is:

I – Immediate response;

D – Directly respond to the child, making eye contact;

E – Efficiently use words and firmness;

A – Action-based “do-overs”;

L – Level your response to the behavior, not the child.

When my defiant child demands or says something ugly, a do-over has become such an effective tool to teach him the correct way to act or respond.

“Let’s try that again.” – “What’s another way to say that?” – “How can we do that differently?”

Through this method, my son is actively learning how to act appropriately in the world! A skill that, sadly, many foster children just haven’t learned due to their rough beginnings.

It’s just like learning any other skill – riding a bicycle, playing a musical instrument, making a basketball goal – practice, practice, practice!

Get the CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT PROGRAM: The Step-By-Step Process To Effectively Manage Behavior  –> Click HERE to learn more.

 

 

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When Your Child Stops Breathing

Gasping, in the middle of the night, our Stinkpot would suddenly awaken and sit up in bed. Could my child have sleep apnea? He’s always gone back to sleep easily, but it was always startling to me how he would just wake up.

And our child’s snoring rivaled that of my husband’s!

snoring-sleep-apnea-children

Our poor baby boy, born premature, to a smoker, has always had severe breathing issues. Numerous hospitalizations and bouts with pneumonia, allergies, asthma, and even TWO, nearly three, myringotomies (tubes in the ears).

While consulting for his second myingotomy, the ear, nose, & throat doctor (ENT), asked us about his breathing. He told us that Stinkpot had enlarged tonsils which could cause Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA). He said that our toddler’s tonsils should be removed to help with his breathing — but only after he is 4-years-old or old enough to follow doctor’s orders.

Knowing our strong-willed hyperactive toddler, we knew it would be a few years before he was ready, especially given his propensity for rages! However, maybe some of his rages could be caused by his sleep apnea???

Signs/Symptoms of Sleep Apnea in Children (1)

  • Snoring
  • Pauses in breathing
  • Mouth breathing during sleep
  • Night sweats

Our Stinkpot had all of these symptoms, including waking up a sweaty mess every morning. Other signs of sleep apnea in children could include daytime cognitive and behavior problems, including problems paying attention, aggressive behavior and hyperactivity. (2) Hmmm!

Our Stinkpot was scheduled for his tonsillectomy after Christmas. We were extremely worried about fasting and if low blood sugar would cause him to go into a rage. However, a 6:15 a.m. check-in time might have helped, since he was still mostly asleep.

The surgery staff were fabulous! To prepare him for his surgery, they told him that they were going to put a special Super Hero mask on him, and he would have to smell some monkey perfume. “It doesn’t smell good since monkeys are stinky!” They told him that when he took a nap that they were going to put a straw in his arm!

The adenotonsillectomy (removal of both the tonsils and adenoids) lasted only 15 minutes. He awoke as most children do, but not crying as he did before. Surprisingly, he has done tremendously well!!!

At home, he was HUNGRY! And ate more than he has…ever! Probably due to no ADHD stimulant that morning. He ate yogurt, pudding, Oreo cookie pie, popsicles, French fries, ect.

And he was hyper! “Put the football down & rest, son!” He took a short nap that afternoon, but was climbing the walls otherwise. As if he hasn’t had surgery at all!

The second day, he slept – the entire day – all but three hours. However, since then — I am simply amazed!!! No sore throat, no other symptoms that he had had a tonsillectomy, except….

HE DOESN”T SNORE!!!

Does your child show signs of sleep apnea? Has your child had a tonsillectomy?

 

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Adoption Tax Credit: What You Should Know

If you follow on Facebook, you know that Congress enacted the American Tax Relief Act of 2012 to avoid a “fiscal cliff”. Here is what the text of the actual bill (H.R. 8) says about the IRS adoption tax credit(1):

(A) ADOPTION CREDIT.—

(i) Section 23(b) is amended by striking paragraph (4).

(ii) Section 23(c) is amended by striking paragraphs (1) and (2) and inserting the following:

‘‘(1) IN GENERAL.—If the credit allowable under subsection (a) for any taxable year exceeds the limitation imposed by section 26(a) for such taxable year reduced by the sum of the credits allowable under this subpart (other than this section and sections 25D and 1400C), such excess shall be carried to the succeeding taxable year and added to the credit allowable under subsection (a) for such taxable year.’’.

(iii) Section 23(c) is amended by redesignating paragraph (3) as paragraph (2).

Clear as mud, eh??? {The American Tax Relief Act actually amended the Internal Revenue Code so the numbered references are to IRS Federal tax laws.}Federal-IRS-adoption-tax-credit

What happened to the adoption tax credit in this 2012 law?

The adoption tax credit was made permanent in the Federal tax laws!!! The adoption tax credit has only been around since 1997 and was reauthorized by a number of bills but now is permanently written into the tax laws. The adoption tax credit was fully refundable in tax years 2010 and 2011; however, it is not anymore.

What does it mean if the adoption tax credit is “refundable”?

Refundable means that you get credit for the entire amount of your adoption expenses, regardless of what you paid in taxes. Since tax year 2012, you can now only get credit for the amount you paid in taxes; however, you do have 5 years to carry over any unused credit from previous years.

How much is the adoption tax credit?

For tax year 2012, the amount is $12, 650 per child for qualified adoption expenses.

For tax year 2013, the amount is $12,970 per child for qualified adoption expenses.

For tax year 2014, the amount is $13,190 per child for qualified adoption expenses.

What are qualified adoption expenses?

Qualified adoption expenses include reasonable and necessary adoption fees, court costs, attorney fees, traveling expenses (including amounts spent for meals and lodging while away from home), and other expenses that are directly related to and the principal purpose of which are for the legal adoption of a child.

How does the adoption tax credit work if we adopted a special needs child?

With the adoption of a U.S. child with special needs, you may be eligible for the maximum amount of credit for the year of you finalize the adoption, even if you paid no qualified adoption expenses.

What is considered special needs?

A child is considered special needs for purposes of the adoption credit if all of the following conditions are met:

  1. The child was a U.S. citizen or resident when the adoption effort began.
  2. A state determines that the child cannot or should not be returned to his or her parent’s home, and
  3. A state determines that the child probably will not be adopted unless assistance is provided to the adoptive family.

Generally, special needs adoptions are the adoptions of children whom the state’s child welfare agency considers difficult to place for adoption, and most foster care adoptions are special needs adoptions, but few other adoptions are considered special needs adoptions.

What IRS Form do we file for the adoption tax credit?

To claim the credit or exclusion, complete Form 8839 (PDF), Qualified Adoption Expenses, and attach the form to your Form 1040 (PDF) or Form 1040NR (PDF).

Disclosure: I am not a tax professional. This information was compiled from the IRS website regarding the adoption tax credit.

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