Penelope, Author at Foster2Forever

10:47 am by Penelope

How Can You Say NO to Foster Kids?

Our two rambunctious preschool boys are a handful! The older, JD, being strong-willed and defiant, is not the best role model for our easy-going 3-year-old, Lil Bit.

Having our hands full with these two boys, my husband feels overwhelmed by infants and toddlers. Last summer, the placement of 3 more little ones in our home had us running ragged with FIVE kids aged 5 and under — (ages 5, 4, 3, almost 2, nearly 1). I was flabbergasted when a encountered my own Chick-Fil-A controversy when a {single} man lectured me for having too many children. After surviving that chaos, we changed the age limit of our foster home to ages 5 through 17. “No more babies” became my husband’s mantra. We have had no new placements since.

Early in May, we finally did receive a foster care placement call.

“I know your home is closed to infants; however, we have an 8-year-old little girl that needs a home. She has a 6-month-old baby brother.”

I was excited about the possibility of this foster care placement. Our 5-year-old, JD, could have an older sister to play with! However, after having 5 kids last summer, I knew my husband had to “bless” another foster care placement that included an infant.

“Hold on – let me get my husband on the other line,” I quickly responded.

To my surprise, my husband said yes.

We would have FOUR children to parent. The kids will outnumber us 2 to 1!!!

That evening, I asked my husband about his change of heart: “I could hear the desperation since there are no foster homes in our area that accept infants. I just felt called to be their foster parents.”

So we are now a family of SIX!!! I am so blessed to now be a stay-at-home mom! I honestly do not know how we could care for all these children if I were still working.

Now, my work is non-stop! Laundry, feedings, spit-up, diapers, referee…repeat. I am exhausted! And school hasn’t let out for summer yet!!!

The bickering between JD and his new sister, KK, is nonstop. (They are not allowed to play Wii together or it starts World War Wii!) Since I have been a mom to boys, I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to deal with “little girl drama.” (my friends with daughters had warned me) I honestly believe dealing with “little boy energy” is easier.

The baby, Doodlebug, is a joy, but I had forgotten how tough infanthood is. And this baby spits up non-stop! He is the fifth infant I’ve cared for and I’ve never seen this much spit-up before. Even the incredible Dr. Brown’s Natural Flow bottles and Similac Spit-Up formula are not helping.

Another difficulty was that, at first, this baby would not go to sleep without a bottle in his mouth – and he would not take a pacifier – so frustrating, given his spit-up problem. I finally weaned him from this unhealthy habit which was torture for both of us. However, this sleeptime bottle weaning process has created an incredible bond between the two of us.

We don’t know what the future holds for our foster children, but we do know that we were called to be their foster parents, if only for a short time.

When have you said no to foster care placements?

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links to Amazon.

10:04 am by Penelope

Win a Copy of The Foster Parenting Toolbox

Parenting is so difficult, but being a foster parent has its own unique challenges. (see my video) Children from hard places come and go from your home. Each foster care placement situation is different, and whether a foster child reunites with birthparents or becomes available for adoption, foster parents continually need tools to parent children in their care.

Use The Foster Parenting Toolbox!

More than 100 contributors have created this useful resource specifically for foster parents and the professionals who work with them: caseworkers, social workers, judges, CASAs, GALs and others who are a part of the foster child’s team. This book consists of 384 short articles and stories filled with lessons learned and inspiration, plus many pages of resources at the end.

Chapters include
• Why Foster?
• Perspectives
• Transitions
• Teamwork
• Birth Family Connections
• Loss, Grief, and Anger
• Attachment and Trust
• Trauma and Abuse
• Family Impact
• Discipline
• School Tools
• Parenting Teens
• Nurturing Identity
• Allegations
• Respite and Support
• Reunification, Adoption, and Beyond
• Resources, Recommended Readings and Index

One of the best features of this book is the Continuing Education Unit (CEU) quizzes at the back of the book. Each quiz covers a chapter in the book (16 quizzes) and, if your agency allows, you can receive credit for training. Sweet!!! Here are some other options for foster parent training.

This week, we are giving away a $25 Amazon gift card so that you can get your very own copy of The Foster Parenting Toolbox. All you have to do is enter via the Rafflecopter below. Good luck!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

7:00 am by Penelope

Remember This Former Foster Child

In 1994, a lanky 14-year-old orphaned boy in Guatemala City, began a 2,000-mile journey for a better life. Jose Gutierrez hopped 14 freight trains and walked to get to California. He was determined to escape his former life and make a new one in America, the land of opportunity he had heard about from a minister in a children’s shelter back in Guatemala.

With no entry papers, U.S. immigration authorities detained him.

Since the United States doesn’t deport Guatemalan minors who arrive without family, Gutierrez was made a ward of Los Angeles Juvenile Court and placed in a series of group homes and foster families. He learned English and finished high school.

In 1999, when he reached 18, he was made a permanent resident of the United States. He had wanted to go to college to become an architect and joined the Marines to make money for college (and to send to his sister in Guatemala).

At age 22, Lance Cpl. Gutierrez was a rifleman deployed to Iraq. On March 1, 2003, he wrote in a letter to his foster mother: “Pray for all of us, not just me.”

Sadly, less than three weeks later, on March 21st, he died in a firefight near Umm Qasr – by friendly fire.

He was the first U.S. soldier to die during combat in Iraq.

Gutierrez “wanted to give the United States what the United States gave to him. He came with nothing. This country gave him everything.”

This young man gave his life for our country. Lance Cpl. Jose Gutierrez is buried in his home country of Guatemala.

On this Memorial Day, remember him and others that gave the ultimate sacrifice of their lives for our freedom.

10:36 am by Penelope

Can You Prevent Child Sexual Abuse?

Last summer, I opened up and shared about being sexually molested as a preschooler. I honestly do not know how my parents could have prevented it, which makes the incident even scarier for me as a parent.

The Scary Statistics of Sexual Abuse:

Experts estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays.
30-40% of children are abused by family members.
As many as 60% are abused by people the family trusts- abusers frequently try to form a trusting relationship with parents.
Nearly 40% are abused by older or larger children.

(from Darkness to Light)

Prevention of Child Sexual Abuse

Minimize Opportunity for Sexual Abuse

Understand that abusers often become friendly with potential victims and their families, enjoying family activities, earning trust, and gaining time alone with children.
Avoid one-adult/one-child situations & instead, choose group situations, whenever possible.
Think carefully about the safety of situations in which older youth have access to younger children. Make sure that multiple adults are present who can supervise.
Set an example by personally avoiding one-adult/one-child situations with children other than your own.

Talk About It

Teach your children about their bodies, about what abuse is, and, when age-appropriate, about sex. Teach them words that help them discuss sex comfortably with you.
Model caring for your own body, and teach children how to care for theirs.
Teach children that it is “against the rules” for adults to act in a sexual way with them and use examples. Teach them what parts of their bodies others should not touch.

These acclaimed books (Amazon affiliate link) could be used to educate your children about privacy of their bodies:

Amazon.com Widgets

Stay Alert

Physical signs of sexual abuse are not common, although redness, rashes or swelling in the genital area, urinary tract infections, or other such symptoms should be carefully investigated. Also, physical problems associated with anxiety, such as chronic stomach pain or headaches, may occur.
Emotional or behavioral signals are the most common sign of sexual abuse. These can run from “too perfect” behavior, to withdrawal and depression, to unexplained anger and rebellion.
Sexual behavior and language that are not age-appropriate can be a red flag.
Be aware that in some children there are no signs whatsoever.

How an Abuser Works

The abuser shames the child, points out that the child let it happen, or tells the child that his or her parents will be angry.
The abuser is often manipulative and may try to confuse the child about what is right and wrong.
The abuser sometimes threatens the child or a family member.

How You Should Act

Believe the child and make sure the child knows it.
Thank the child for telling you and praise the child’s courage.
Encourage the child to talk but don’t ask leading questions about details. If you must ask questions to keep the child talking, ask open-ended ones like “what happened next?”
Seek the help of a professional who is trained to interview the child about sexual abuse. Professional guidance could be critical to the child’s healing and to any criminal prosecution.

Act on Suspicions

By acting on suspicions of child sexual abuse, you will save not only one child, but perhaps countless others. Many of those who sexually abuse children have multiple victims. You may be faced with a situation where you suspect abuse but don’t have any proof. Suspicions are scary, but trust your instincts. Have the courage to report the suspected abuse.

How do you educate your children against sexual abuse?

7:15 am by Penelope

I Am a Cancer Survivor

I lost my dad to cancer over 25 years ago. Much like my foster kids, I will never recover from that traumatic loss of a parent.

Cancer traumatized me as a young college student when my dad was suddenly in ICU, disoriented, and strapped to his bed. My dad had suffered a seizure and had become aggressive with the hospital staff. A cat scan showed that my dad had 3 tumors in his brain. All those years of smoking had led to lung cancer that had metastasized in his brain. The doctors gave him 6 months to live.

And just like that, with no warning, cancer, the silent killer, destroyed our lives!

I’ve shared about growing up in poverty, but what I found next still breaks my heart…

My hearing-impaired father, who had recently lost his job of 26 years, was just too proud to ask for help: My Daddy had been living in his home with no electricity, surviving on a diet of pecans he had gathered from a local park.

And now CANCER! With no health insurance, we had very little hope.

However, even in our darkest hours, God can still shower us with His blessings. We were blessed by many angels that helped us through this horrifying journey of brain cancer. My heart overflows for all those that helped our family during this difficult time.

I am extremely grateful for the American Cancer Society. The ACS provided us with a wheelchair and hospital bed once my dad became bedridden. Thank you again!

The American Cancer Society will turn 100 years old on May 22, 2013. Watch this moving video!

By not remaining silent, the work of the American Cancer Society has helped lead to a 50 percent drop in smoking since the 1960s, which has contributed to a drop in overall lung cancer death rates. ACS has played a role in nearly every cancer research breakthrough in recent history. And because of this research, I am now 9 years CANCER-FREE!!

GOALS OF THE AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY

Continue to ensure lifesaving cancer research gets funded.
Undertake a historic research study called the Cancer Prevention Study-3 (CPS-3) that will help us understand how to prevent cancer and save lives. The goal is to enroll at least 300,000 adults from various racial/ethnic backgrounds from across the US by the end of this year.
Make sure that people facing cancer have the help they need, like a free place to stay during treatment and a ride to get there.
Keep fighting for everyone to have access to quality health care, lifesaving screenings, clean air and more.

How have you been affected by cancer?

Although this post is sponsored by American Cancer Society, it is my true story of cancer…This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of the American Cancer Society.

7:17 am by Penelope

From Empty Womb to Full House

“How long have you been off birth control?” the doctor asked at my annual checkup.

“Two and a half years,” I responded.

“Let’s run a few tests on you and your husband to see what is going on, okay?”

Blood tests, MRI, ultrasounds, urologist referral, surgery for the husband and at the end, there was no hope of ever becoming pregnant. We were infertile! Devastated! This was in the Spring of 1993, three and half years after we had been married. We prayed, and then tried to move on.

Through a friend of a friend, a miracle occurred and we privately adopted a newborn baby girl who was born in July of 93. This year-long process to adopt her totally wiped us out both emotionally and financially (there were all kinds of complications). Although we were happy that we had a child, we were struggling emotionally over the disappointment that we would never have our large family.

After several years of heartbreak – never experiencing the miracle of pregnancy – our hearts began to soften toward the idea of adoption. But we knew we couldn’t afford a baby, nor did we want there to be a huge age difference between any of the children.

Our daily newspaper runs a weekly series “Wednesday’s Child” that profiles a child who is in the foster care system who was needing a forever family. One Wednesday, we found a child who would fit great into our family. It was at that moment that we knew that we needed to look at adopting through foster care. We took our classes, got our foster care license and adoption certification, and eventually adopted a nine-year-old girl. As we walked out of the courthouse after the adoption hearing was over, our newly-adopted daughter and our oldest daughter told our licensing worker: “Let’s do this again! We want another little sister!”

Eighteen months later, we adopted an eight-year-old little girl — after that, a three-year-old boy — and then a nine-year-old boy. None of these children are biological siblings, yet they have woven themselves together as brothers and sisters.

We have been married for twenty-three years and our children are now 19, 16, 13, 10, and 6. Our oldest daughter and her husband have an 11-month-old baby boy. We recently opened our hearts and home to fostering the 0-4 years old age group. We currently have four placements; sibling brothers ages 2 and 4, an 18-month-old boy and a 12-month-old girl. To our surprise, there is a possibility that each of them may become permanent members of our family as well.

It has been years since grief has overwhelmed us at the idea of not having our own biological children. Baby showers are now fun to attend. Ultrasound photos and pregnant bellies on Facebook are now moment of joy instead of jealousy. Although we would welcome a pregnancy, we believe that God has richly blessed us with our perfect family through adoption.

Cathy Eley is a 44-year-old stay-at-home mom who two years ago left a local government supervisory position after twenty years to be a full time mom to five adopted children plus a foster mom to children under age 4. She received a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration in 2011. She married her high school sweetheart who is an elementary school principal in the school district that she grew up in. They have struggled with infertility their entire marriage yet been blessed through adoption with five children. Our family motto is “One At A Time”. Our life verse is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” They are active in their local church in Scottsdale, AZ and enjoy loving on children as much as they can.

6:00 am by Penelope

Join the Movement to Become a Foster Parent

INFERTILITY

Doubt. For me, doubt is an overwhelming emotion that leads to incurable guilt. My journey through infertility created incredible doubt about my life decisions. Doubt about my decisions to focus on my career and delay marriage until age 40. Doubt about my decisions of waiting after marriage to begin a family. Doubt about my decisions to not continue fertility treatments. Through my journey of infertility, I felt alone in my desperation to become a mother. That insatiable desire to conceive a child began consuming my thoughts and devouring my life.

In November 2006, our fertility specialist gave us grim news: “Your eggs are gone. You will need an egg donor if you want to conceive.” That was it! Our hope to conceive a child was over within two years of marriage. I felt alone in my grief as a failure as a woman. My sweet husband was encouraging me that there was a child – a child we hadn’t met. A child that would be ours that might not even been born yet.

FOSTER CARE LICENSE

After grieving through the Christmas holidays, we began the year 2007 renewed with determination to bring a child into our family. With our “older age”, we were limited in our adoption choices and began our quest to become a licensed foster home.

We logged hundreds of miles traveling across Texas actively pursuing that elusive foster care license, during a move. Finally, on March 4, 2008, after over a year of wading through the licensing process, a phone call changed our lives forever. A caseworker said: “We have a baby boy for foster only.” She repeated, “Foster only.”

PLACEMENT

That 8-month-old baby boy pierced his way into my heart, changing me forever. I was overwhelmed with instant motherhood: “What does an 8-month-old eat?” My heart rejoiced as my body ached for sleep. I was exuberant to be a mother to this baby boy, if even for a short time.

As a foster parent, a child maybe part of your family for short time, sometimes forever. Against all odds, this baby boy’s birthfamily made a sudden decision we weren’t expecting. “He’s better off where he is.” This foster child would become our forever son! We finalized the adoption of our baby boy in the summer 2009.

COMMUNITY

Around this time, I discovered the expansive, online world of blogging. I began writing online about my journey through motherhood and our foster care adoption experience. Over time, other foster parents began following our journey and sharing their experiences and frustration with the foster care system. I love how this blog has developed into a community.

HOPE FOR MOTHERHOOD

Through blogging, my hope is to encourage others that it doesn’t matter how you become a parent. Becoming a foster mother to a baby boy changed me – changed my focus. My infertility wasn’t an issue any longer. Being a mom to this neglected child became my focus. By hope is to encourage others that infertility is just a journey: the end result is that you can become a parent to a child that needs one.

Over time, the fact that my sons are adopted makes no difference. Those little boys, although not my DNA, are my sons. And it doesn’t matter how they joined our family. We are a family.

Join the movement to become a foster parent. Over 250,000 children in the foster care system need a home – some foster children need a home for a while, yet some foster children are legally free for adoption and need a forever home now. Who knows? One just might become your forever son or daughter.

You can learn more about the disease of infertility and about National Infertility Awareness Week.

6:26 am by Penelope

When a Mom’s Infertility Brings Her a Son

My Story: I was the single mother to two girls before I met my husband. The girls’ and I had been on our own with no emotional or financial support. It was tough. After meeting and falling in love with Ross, we were married and I wanted to have another child………oh, how I prayed for a son! We tried for months, and 2 years into our marriage decided to see a doctor. We discovered that I wasn’t making eggs on my own. I began medications, first oral and then on to injections and finally on to the fertility clinic where we had even more medical interventions and inseminations to try to conceive.

Month after month, I felt like a failure. Month after month, I wondered why I was denied a child when so many others were aborting babies or having them and abandoning them. I prayed, I bargained, I plead with God to give me a child. We went into debt to pay for more medications and more procedures. Until I finally said enough……the failure was more than I could stand. My heart was broken, my body had betrayed me…God had abandoned me…I was less of a woman and a failure as a wife.

A co-worker suggested that I become a foster parent since there were so many kids in need. Maybe it would help me feel better? So Ross and I attended classes and received our foster care license. I figured that I could foster kids until their parents got things figured out……..stay busy and keep my mind off of my own failure to conceive.

Why me? Why was I not good enough to be given another child?
I was scared…….confused…….and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given a child who healed me.

His Story: I was born to a mother who did not know how to take care of me. I spent my first 18 months in my room, in my crib without much interaction. I was not bathed regularly, and the medical conditions I had were not treated properly. I learned that crying didn’t get me what I needed, so I was quiet most of the time. I watched the shadows fall across my nursery wall each evening, and those same shadows disappear each morning. For 18 months I was given bottles, just enough care to keep me alive. Month after month, I waited and I wondered what this was all about. I could not evoke much of a response from those around me, so I stopped trying. The failure was more than I could stand.

Then one day, people came and took me from my nursery with the shadows on the walls each evening. And I was taken to a new place they called a safe house. It was noisy and there were people in and out. The lights and noise terrified me! I wasn’t used to all the movement, TV, radio, voices, crying, and the openness of the world outside my crib was more than I could stand. I withdrew into myself so I could get things figured out……..A car ride later I was in yet another place, and then another. The further I withdrew, the safer I felt.

Why me? Why was I not good enough to be loved like a son?
I was scared………confused……..and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given to a woman who healed me.

Our Story: {{God’s amazing plan}} Sometimes we pray for things to happen to us or for us, but we expect God to give them in the way WE perceive them. Had you told me 2 years ago that I would no longer yearn for a baby in my womb – that I would no longer feel the pain of secondary infertility, I would have told you that you were wrong. No way could God heal me through anything less than a pregnancy! Had you told my precious boy 2 years ago that he would have two adoring parents, two sisters, two big dogs and love to rival that of the wildest imagination – he probably would not have believed it, either. God is absolutely amazing in His gifts. He will give you more than you can ever dream possible if you allow Him the opportunity.

If I could trade my experience with my “forever boy” for a perfect, textbook pregnancy with a healthy son as the outcome – I wouldn’t. I know with every cell of my body that this child was made by God to be my son. Although he did not pass through my body to enter this world, at the time of his birth he WAS born to me…but delayed in being with me……and we both knew it the moment he was placed into my arms.

I am not a public speaker, nor am I someone who could be pointed out as a “model Christian.” I fall short of the glory of God every day of my life. I am not worthy of the gifts bestowed on me. But I can tell you that during my dark days of bargaining and pleading and begging God to give me a son, I made the promise to testify to His glory if my desires were granted. I would tell others of grace, healing, and the love of God. If you turn to Him, trust in Him – your cup will run over. I am healed. In so many more ways than I asked to be. I know only joy. I Praise God.

Deirdre works for the Nebraska Foster Adoptive Parents Association mentoring, supporting and training Nebraska’s foster parents. She and her husband, Ross, of 11 years have four children (2 adopted) and one teen under guardianship. One of her children suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and an attachment disorder.

7:00 am by Penelope

Infertile Is Just a Word

Infertile. It was never a word I thought would describe me. From the time I hit puberty, my cycle was like clockwork. The clockwork lasted until the moment my husband and I decided we were ready to start a family. Then everything went haywire.

Month after month for several years we tried and prayed. Every month our hearts were broken and confused. Then one month, it came. A positive pregnancy test. Finally! We were going to be parents! But the pregnancy was rough from the beginning and our Baby went to be with Jesus at a very early age. And the longings and confusions started again.

Our thinking then started to change. Late one night, my husband and I started the discussion about opening our home to children in foster care. We had the love and we had the home – why not? It wasn’t until we met our boys that we decided we wanted to make this a permanent adoptive home as God opened opportunities.

Our boys are not legally ours, yet, but the case moving in that direction. In our hearts, these children are as much ours as any biological baby could be. I still miss our biological Baby, but if I had given birth, I know I would never have met Lil’ Guy and Lil’ Mister! I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

It’s odd how things have changed. Now, every month, instead of praying that I will need to run and buy a pregnancy test, I pray and beg God that my period will come! Pregnancy has no appeal to me now – after a rough pregnancy, not wanting to put my body through that torture and knowing that we have a family in our 2 infants and whomever else God might have for us to care for – short or long term. They have our hearts. I am quite content and grateful for the family God has and is providing.

Infertile. Yes, it is a word to describe me. And I’m thankful for it.

Jeri was born and raised in Alaska. She went to Azusa Pacific and the University of Northern Colorado, where she got her degree in Elementary Education. After teaching 4th grade, she spent 5 years in Thailand as a missionary, working at an orphanage and teaching English at a local university. While in Thailand, she met and married her husband. They have been foster parents in Alaska for about a year.

You can read more on infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week.