Penelope, Author at Foster2Forever

3 Tips on How Parents Can Deal with Manipulation

One evening while my husband and I were dating, he was voicing how upset he was with his ex-wife about how she handled their son, Bubba. Bubba had run to his dad’s house, and began lamenting about his mother: “She said I couldn’t go with you to visit my cousins!”

Angry that his ex-wife, Medusa, was encroaching on his plans with Bubba, my husband went to her home and they began arguing. Bubba hadn’t complete his chore of taking out the trash, and she had given him a consequence. As my husband and Medusa were arguing, Bubba went to them and said, “I took out the trash.”

When my husband relayed this story to me, he was struck back as I began laughing out loud. “Sweetheart, don’t you see? Your son is manipulating you. He knows exactly how to get you and Medusa arguing to take the pressure off of him.”

Triangulation – when a child plays one parent against another in a manipulative way.

photo credit: .craig via photopin cc

My husband and I rarely argue; however, we found ourselves arguing more and more after our 12-year-old foster girl, Big Helper, joined our home. It was only after she left that we discovered how crafty she was in subtly pitting us against one another. We didn’t even realize it.

All children, not just foster children, will try and manipulate a situation to gain control and get their needs/wants met. However, for foster children, manipulation can be a technique they learned in order to survive.

HOW CAN PARENTS DEAL WITH MANIPULATION?

Encourage your child to use honest words. Let them know that they don’t need use tricks to ask for what they want.
Check with your spouse. If a child says that the other parent said so — always, always, always check with your spouse before agreeing.
Become more connected with your child to help them learn that you are there to meet their needs.

If you follow on Facebook, just last week, my 5-year-old didn’t want to go to school. After numerous attempts to get him in the car, I exclaimed: “Get in the car NOW or I’m leaving without you!” My Kindergärtner walked to the car, opened the door, pulled out his blanket, closed the door, and said, “Bye, Mom.”

I was furious! But I had to drive away… When I returned a few minutes later (to take him directly to the principal’s office), he had gone inside and told my husband: “Mommy left — She said I could stay home today.”

He’s only FIVE!!! But already learning the art of manipulation.

What has been your experience with manipulation? What suggestions do you have?

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10:00 am by Penelope

Help! Is This Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Our strong-willed preschool son is a defiant one! This strong-willed Kindergartener has been so demanding and obstinate lately. And we are exhausted!

We recently attended a foster care training on mental health issues, such as depression, PTSD, ADHD. And when the speaker showed the slide on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), our mouths fell open…

What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

ODD is a pattern of negative, hostile and defiant acts that lasts more than 6 months. (How about 2+ years?)

Symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Loses temper easily
Argues with adults
Refuses to obey rules
Often annoys people on purpose
Blames others for his mistakes
Often touchy or easily annoyed with others
Often angry and resentful
Often spiteful

A child must exhibit at least 4 or more of the following symptoms to be diagnosed with ODD.

My son exhibits every single symptom of ODD!!!

Now don’t get me wrong – I am not diagnosing my son with ODD! To the contrary, my prayer is that he does not have ODD.

Because…get this: He has had no tantrums at school this entire year! My observations are that he only exhibits these symptoms of ODD with his parents! Since he only exhibits these symptoms with his primary caregivers, it could mean that he is expressing his needs due to his past trauma only when he feels safe – with his parents.

Read more about the overlapping symptoms of other disorders.

photo credit: demandaj via photopin cc

10:28 am by Penelope

Dealing with your Defiant Kid

Do you have a defiant kid too? I have a defiant, strong-willed son that I believe takes pride in challenging me. I love my little imp, but boy, he tries my patience!

I have been reading through The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family and have been using a number of the strategies for connecting with your adopted child.

STEPS IN DEALING WITH CHILD’S MISBEHAVIOR

Respond to misbehavior immediately.
Redirect to better choices.
Practice getting it right with a do-over.
Praise for improved behavior.

But sometimes, my son is stubborn and simply defies me. Chapter 7 discusses Dealing with Defiance! Here are some of the strategies I’ve been using from this chapter:

STEPS IN DEALING WITH CHILD’S DEFIANCE

If your child challenges you, move closer and assert your authority while giving your child a chance for a do-over.
Then say something like: “It is NOT okay for you to talk to me or your dad like that. You can be unhappy, but you MUST talk with respect! Now try that again, son.“
Many times I have to give my preschool boy a choice of talking nicely or a consequence. After a few moments, he usually turns around because he knows I mean business.
Praise him for talking respectfully. “Good choice in talking nicely!“

The Connected Child recommends: “Use the least amount of firmness and corrective effort needed to resolve a situation.”

However, sometimes, these strategies may not work, and Chapter 7 of The Connected Child discusses dealing with defiance in more detail.

BE FLEXIBLE

To avoid a total breakdown, sometimes, I have to stay aware of my son’s “meltdown potential.”

Sometimes if he might be hungry, I realize that he isn’t capable of pulling himself together – so my first task is to get his blood sugar back up – before I deal with his defiance.

After he’s calm, then we talk about his misbehavior and even sometimes, I give him the choice of what his consequence for misbehavior should be. Funny story: One time, he decided his punishment would be “no wii for 20 months”. I told him that would be nearly two years until he could play wii again, so 2 days of no wii would be fine.

What strategies have you found effective in dealing with the defiant personality of your kid?

12:27 pm by Penelope

Free Online Foster Care Training

Need some online foster care training hours to keep up your license?

Traumatic childhood experiences, such as child abuse and neglect, can have long-term effects. Foster parents must be able to address a foster child’s trauma as an important component of caring for the child. Everyone involved with the children in the foster care system — the children, the families, caregivers, and even the social workers who serve children and families within the child welfare system — all experience the impact of trauma.

Difficult Behaviors Training

Are you a foster parent struggling with difficult behaviors caused by trauma? Not sure how to handle defiance, tantrums, lying, stealing, food hoarding? Foster parents will get practical tools in managing behaviors in this free online foster care training.

Adoption HEART Conference

This is an online conference for foster and adoptive parents with a focus on Healing Trauma And Responding to Trauma (HEART). The conference sessions are free to watch during the conference dates.

If you are a temporary parent to traumatized children, and are trying to provide stability and make a difference in children’s lives, if only for a short time. You are in the trenches of parenting trauma. This event will help you in developing strategies to effectively parent through trauma!

Trauma-Informed Care Training

In Texas, each foster and adoptive parent must receive trauma-informed care training annually. Each newly-verified foster parent or approved adoptive parent must receive trauma-informed care training within 60 days of foster home verification or adoptive home approval.

Foster parents can complete the free online Trauma-Informed Care Training on the State’s public website:

In order to receive credit for this 2-hour online training, foster or adoptive parents must:

Complete the entire training.
Make at least a 70% on the post-test.
Print (or screenshot) the Certificate of Completion of Trauma-Informed Care Training at the end of the training.
Provide a copy of the Certificate of Completion of Trauma-Informed Care Training to your caseworker.

To follow along with the training, licensed foster or adoptive parents can also download a copy of the training to use as a guide. (NOTE: The State of Texas administers this training – not Foster2Forever. Any issues you have with the training or training certificate must be resolved with the DFPS.)

Psychotropic Medications Training

Studies show that children in foster care are more than 13 times more likely to be prescribed psychotropic medications than the general population. Texas regulations require that foster parents receive training before administering psychotropic medications to foster children.

Foster parents can take this free online foster care training for psychotropic medications to meet these requirements.

10:00 am by Penelope

Video: Being a Homeschool Stepmom and Finding Child’s Talents

This is my story of becoming a stepmother and how my role quickly changed and expanded. With an ADHD label, public school was torture for my stepson, and our family saw numerous advantages of homeschool. Through our homeschooling, we discovered this boy had an unknown musical talent. Here is a video of my story that shows my stepson playing Beethoven’s Fur Elise on the piano.

You can also watch this video on YouTube.

Do your children have a label to overcome? What are their talents and gifts?

1:03 pm by Penelope

101 Spring Break Activities for Kids

It’s SPRING BREAK!!! Avoid the boredoms!!!

Looking for spring break activities and things to do with your kids this week while they are out of school?

I’ve compiled this list of 101 spring break activities that you can do with your kids.

Click this photo for a list of 34 spring break activities.

Click this photo for even more spring break activities.

Here are 5 more fun things to do within your budget.

Here are 10 more ideas for places to go during spring break.

5 more kid-friendly things to do during spring break.

And 22 more fun & frugal spring break activities for kids.

Spring break activities for our family are visits with both sets of grandparents, a trip to the zoo, and a picnic in the park.

Check out all these other fun-filled kids activities.

What activities are you doing with your kids during spring break?

9:00 am by Penelope

Video: My Challenge of Being a Foster Parent

I’ve now joined the world of YouTube & vlogging (video-blogging)!

In this video, I open my heart and share with you my challenge of being a foster parent.

To view on YouTube

The feelings I share in this video is why I have been so committed to this blog and this online community of foster parents for the last 3+ years.

Every comment here on the blog makes me feel less alone in my journey through the foster care system. You understand! You get it! The connection I feel with you and your unique struggles is real.

I do have a few real life friends that are foster parents, but live far away, so online is the way to stay connected in today’s world. I’ve even met one Foster2Forever reader in real life! We became instant IRL friends, and because of blogging, we knew each other’s stories.

Connection is the key! Connect with me and other foster parents via:

GOOGLE PLUS – Last September, I hosted a Google Hangout (video chat like Skype) with 4 other foster parents. What a great way to connect! (plus they got to meet our insomniac LilBit)

FACEBOOK PAGE

TWITTER

FACEBOOK GROUP (closed discussion on anything foster care – you must request to join)

Oh, and you can also subscribe to my new YOUTUBE channel.

My desire with all these online accounts to give an easy way for foster parents to share their unique journeys with each other to not feel so alone in their foster care journey.

Where do you find support as a foster parent?

2:13 pm by Penelope

Fun Memory of Grandpa’s Dr. Seuss Food Menu

Dr. Seuss’ birthday is March 2nd and touches a special memory in my heart. Every year, I celebrate with my kids with a special edible Dr. Seuss food menu…because of my dad’s epic fail…

My Daddy was shy, rarely appearing in public. But he had a quirky sense of humor.

On a March 2 evening in my youth, I came home late from school to find my dad in the kitchen already preparing supper. (I grew up in a single-parent home with my dad and two younger sisters)

He informed me that it was a special day – a special day, indeed! It was Dr. Seuss’ birthday! He added that since we didn’t have any Green Eggs and Ham – that he had a better Dr. Seuss food idea and would be serving another delicacy:

GREEN CHICKEN!

My sisters and I just looked at each other as he proudly placed his colorful, culinary masterpiece on the table. We tried to eat it – we did – however, we just couldn’t get past the color to eat GREEN CHICKEN!

The funniest point of the evening that made us laugh as a family even years later is –

EVEN OUR FAMILY DOG WOULDN’T EAT THE GREEN CHICKEN!

My dad passed away from brain cancer just a few years later. He never met his grandchildren (or his sons-in-law). My children will have no memories of their Grandfather; however, I want them to feel as though they knew him. One way I’m creating a connection with their deceased grandfather is to preserve that silly memory of Dr. Seuss food on March 2nd with my children.

Over the years, Dr. Seuss’ birthday, has been commemorated by National Read Across America Day. (In fact, next week, my son will celebrate a Seussibration week at school.)

Our family has our own unique celebration of Dr. Seuss’ birthday – to celebrate a Grandfather.

DR. SEUSS FOOD MENU IDEAS & RECIPES

Green Deviled Eggs & Ham Rolls
Red Fish, Blue Fish Tuna Sandwiches
The Cat in the Hat Parfaits made with Strawberry Jell-O & Cool Whip
Seussibration Splash made with Strawberry Jell-O, Berry Blue Jell-O, and Sprite (sugar-free Jell-O floats)

For more ideas, check out my Dr. Seuss Pinterest Board!

What ways are you creating family memories? Do you celebrate Dr. Seuss’ birthday? What food ideas do you have for a Dr. Seuss party or shower?

11:40 am by Penelope

The Blessings of an Adoption Baby Shower

Adoption is such a blessing! For those wanting to add to their families. For those birth mothers overwhelmed by motherhood. For the children who need a stable place to belong…forever.

This weekend, I was blessed to be part of a celebration of a child joining a family. I attended a baby shower of a close friend who received a call two weeks ago for a baby abandoned/relinquished upon birth at a Houston hospital. The birthmother went to the hospital because of extreme abdominal pain and was told she was in labor. She didn’t even know she was pregnant!

My sweet friend and her husband were in the last stages of their adoption paperwork when they received the call for this baby girl. They had to rush out to complete their fingerprinting before they could pick up their daughter.

The baby was referred to as a “drop” baby (as in unwanted) and placed in a foster home when she was released from the hospital.

The irony is that the adoption agency is Alternatives in Motion, the same adoption agency that my husband adopted his son, 21 years ago. Two other couples I know from Houston are listed as waiting families, although Amy & Tim recently added a baby boy to their family a few months ago.

This Christmas, in their newsletter to adoptive families, AIM sent a plea for help for birthmothers. Our Sunday School class sent a Christmas love offering.

Isn’t it amazing how blessings come full circle?

I am thrilled for my friend who is a natural at motherhood.

Last week, I asked fans on Facebook about gifts for an adoption baby shower. Thank you for your suggestions! Here is the haul (I did have to explain some of the items to this new mom!)