Foster2Forever

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My Child Doesn’t Remember the Neglect as an Infant, But His Body Does

My son doesn’t remember being hungry — but his brain does! The trauma from infant neglect can cause lasting impressions in the memory bank of a baby.

The signs of infant neglect may not be apparent for many years.

My son was just 8 months old when he came to live with us. Even in those short months, he had experienced serious neglect that unknown to anyone had a lasting impact on his life. He spent the majority of his infanthood in a car seat, as his parents partied and fought in another room. Just how often did he get fed? His cries for a bottle went unheard. How often did he get changed? His cries of discomfort from dirty diapers weren’t heard. When he came to live with us, he had a rash in the shape of a diaper on his entire front and bottom.

“Babies don’t remember.” That’s what I thought. But I was very wrong.

He was a delightful baby, although hypervigilant in watching me. Anytime I left the room, he would begin screaming. And even when I was in the room, if a door would suddenly shut, he would begin screaming. It was then, I began to realize how serious his neglect had been.

But he didn’t show signs of infant neglect.

I admit he was a demanding baby and toddler, but aren’t the “terrible twos” and “threenage” years supposed to be? I didn’t think anything was wrong in regard to tantrums at that age until…

His daycare began reporting numerous tantrums and meltdowns, that began escalating to rages and aggression toward the teachers and other students. He eventually got kicked out of THREE daycares due to his rages, and I had to take FMLA family leave.

I researched, read numerous adoption & parenting books, and tried every parenting technique I could find. But the rages continued. Even medication didn’t help.

However, our family vacation on a Disney Cruise was pivotal in uncovering the mystery of my son’s tantrums. On the last day of the cruise in which we had endured numerous meltdowns, I finally discovered the trigger for my son’s meltdowns.

“Son, you do this every time, right before we eat!!! ” I suddenly had an epiphany as the words left my mouth.

I saw a chocolate on the bed stand, quickly gave it to him.  He immediately devoured the chocolate, and within one minute, like magic, he rapidly transformed back into my sweet little boy.  My little boy had been hungry!

My son doesn’t have a memory of being hungry as an infant, but his brain does. That baby’s developing brain was hard-wired with a terrifying memory of being hungry, not knowing when he would be fed, and believing he was going to die!

The fear response of fight, flight or freeze would kick in – and my baby would fight! – the only way he could as an infant – by screaming. As he got older, his fear response from hunger escalated from screaming to actual fighting!

When I looked back on the documentation at the daycares, his rages occurred around 10 in the morning and mid-afternoon. My child was hungry!!

I can now attribute about 80% of my son’s behavior issues to hunger. Although I understand the trigger to the majority of his crankiness and tantrums, I still struggle with parenting my son — a strong-willed finicky eater! (That’s another blog post)

My son still has a memory of hunger – but he doesn’t remember it.

READ MORE IN THIS INCREDIBLE BOOK! 

Heartbreaking signs of infant neglect that may not show up for years

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A Trauma Mama’s Prayer

As a trauma mama to a traumatized child, I can sometimes feel so overwhelmed and hopeless when experiencing the secondary trauma from my child’s past. {Have you joined our private Facebook community?}

At our new church home in the Texas Hill Country, I joined a women’s Bible study based on The Warrior Mom Handbook.  For the first time in many years, I experienced something amazing and special – I quickly felt like I belonged with this diverse group of mothers.  The bond created during our weekly time together was due to a true sisterhood in Christ as we are on the same mission field as mothers.

Through this study, coupled with The War Room movie, I learned about prayer, spiritual warfare, and the true enemy.

A Trauma Mama’s Prayer

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This is the prayer I wrote to cover my traumatized child:

Oh Heavenly Father,

Please hold me, comfort me, and lift me up!  Our precious child needs your power to overcome the demons he faces each morning and every day. The demons aren’t his to fight alone.  You are God — the demons know this and tremble! (James 2:19)

via patheos.com

Help him see that he can depend on others to love him — that the world, and especially his family, love him and want to protect him and help him heal from his past.

Healing is what you can do.  All powerful healing. You perform miracles. You can heal all, Lord.

I lift up my child to you. Give the specialists wisdom to find an answer to his problems – answers that provide healing.

Your love overflows! Fill me up with your love so that it overflows into my son. Show me that sweet, loving boy again with that perfect little nose you gave him. His is such an amazing gift – and you gave him amazing talents. Please, Lord, don’t let those talents be wasted. Let those talents be a glorifying of your name because those talents are yours and yours alone.  This little boy is your masterpiece (Psalm 139:14), and I give you this amazing little boy who has brought me so much joy.  Flow through him so that he can become joyful again.

Dissipate that anger – anger that he doesn’t remember.  Resolve the anger, calm the anger, destroy the anger. He has a full life ahead that Satan is trying to destroy. Destroy the enemy! You are powerful! (2 Timothy 4:18) You can overcome this trauma for my son.

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The earth quakes but my soul is calm. You have the power to calm my fears, to make me a mother that can help guide my son through this darkness.  It won’t be dark here forever. Let your light shine through our lives that lights the path you want us to take. You guide our steps. All these decisions about my son’s care is up to you. Show us the right answers.

Shower us with your hope and blessings for our son. He is your child and I lift him up to you as a gift. Help me appreciate the incredible blessing of that gift. Every perfect gift comes from you.  I prayed for this child before you created this child that you knew would be my son.  Thank you for allowing me to be his mother. AMEN

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My Weekend of Parenting a Traumatized Child

Weekends are the worst! That’s when my traumatized child acts out the most. My guess is that it’s the lack of structure on the weekends that causes the meltdowns.  Predictability (as in schedules and routines) helps a child feel safe in the world.  And weekends aren’t always the same and can be quite unpredictable.

Adoption Trauma

Parenting a traumatized child isn’t easy. It’s parenting turned inside out. As a “trauma mama,” I parent a lot differently than I ever thought parents should.  Because my traumatized child needs to know that I will meet his needs (which are “wants” many times),  I say “yes” to my child as much as possible.  It’s about building trust – a trust he didn’t experience in his early life.  This helpless baby never knew when he was going to be fed, and he needs to learn that he can trust his parents to meet his needs.

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But like anything in parenting, I don’t know if I’m doing this trauma parenting right.  I feel I’m walking this fine-line tightrope trying to balance meeting the needs of my traumatized child so that he knows he can fully rely on me and trust me. But contrasting that trust, is that I worry that I am being too permissive as a parent so that my child won’t have boundaries in his relationships and will constantly push others to meet his “needs/wants” and become “entitled”.

Because of the high potential for meltdowns on the weekends, I can be quite permissive and allow my child to get away with so much more — just to reduce the stress of meltdowns in our home.

But then Monday comes, and I wonder “Was I a good parent this weekend?” “Did I give in too much?” “Am I spoiling my child?” On Monday, I’m full of self-doubt in my parenting abilities. But I’ve got to stop judging myself against the impossible standard of being the “perfect” parent.

I’m happy to be partnering with Similac to end judgment (even against ourselves) and unite to support other parents.  Especially on Monday, after a weekend of loosening the rules to just make it through. I can’t be the only parent…am I?

tantrums-#unitemonday“So, I let him cry it out. For 15 minutes. In the middle of the playground. Don’t judge me. (And I won’t judge…”   Posted on Similac US Facebook page 

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The Best Way to Help Children Stop Lying

How To Help A Child Stop Lying

Children lie from fear and stress. For a child from trauma, lying is a way of survival.  In many instances with traumatized children, lying has become a way of life – the “normal” way of life. For them, lying is survival – to keep from dying!

How to stop your child from lying. Ignore the lie, not the child. Great parenting advice.

In this 9-minute video, Bryan Post gives a formula to help children stop lying.

https://youtu.be/rHlJEr4ebM0

Don’t you just love his formula?

Ignore the lie, not the child.

He really knows how to get to the heart of the child.

1. Don’t react!

2. Ignore the lie.

3. Reassure the child to promote safety.

4. Allow time to defuse the situation.

5. Touch your child’s heart with relationship.

Learn more from Bryan Post from his highly-rated book – The Great Behavior Breakdown – in which he breaks down 27 of the most challenging behaviors so you can discover your child’s motivation for the behavior, plus he gives step-by-step guidance for parents.  

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on the links and purchase a product, I receive a small commission to support the work that goes into this website. Thanks!

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Staying Calm During a Tantrum

I’ve written before about identifying the emotional triggers that can send a child into a tantrum – a toy doesn’t work a certain way, foods that touch each other on a plate, the word “NO”…

And when the tantrum begins, a parent is always perfectly calm, right?

I don’t know about you, but sometimes my child can certainly push my buttons, and can trigger me into my own “mommy meltdown.”

When your child throws a tantrum, make sure you dont either. Great parenting advice.

In the video below, condensed from a livestream, I discuss the importance of remaining calm when your child is misbehaving — plus I discuss the book I’m writing!!!

Video: Staying Calm During a Tantrum

Great reminder for when my child is throwing a tantrum. #parenting

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Silly Song to Teach Children to Control Emotions

My kids and I loved the Disney/Pixar movie, Inside Out! (Have you read my Inside Out movie review for foster/adoptive parents?)

What makes the Inside Out movie a great tool in parenting is that it gives kids a language to talk about ways to control emotions they are feeling. Getting your children to talk about their emotions can be quite frustrating as a parent.

Here’s a silly song about emotions so you can teach your children various ways to control emotions.

{sung to the tune of If You’re Happy and You Know It}

If you’re JOYful and you know it – Laugh out loud
If you’re ANGRY and you know it – Breathe in deep
If you’re SAD and you know it – You can cry
If you’re SCARED and you know it – Hug your dad

Be sure and read these 8 Tips to Teach Children How to Control Emotions.

If you’d like to laugh at me, here’s my blooper reel from this video.

Remember that activity also helps children regulate emotions. Check out these top toys for active boys (& girls). 

Disclosure: I was not compensated for this post; however, the plush toys were purchased via another sponsored post.

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A Fun Way To Teach Children to Control Emotions

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #InsideOutEmotions #CollectiveBias

My kids and I loved the Disney/Pixar movie, Inside Out! (Have you read my Inside Out movie review for foster/adoptive parents?)

What makes the Inside Out movie a great tool in parenting is that it gives kids a language to talk about the emotions they are feeling. Getting your children to talk about their emotions can be quite frustrating as a parent.

And now that Wal-Mart has the Inside Out plush characters, a parent can use them as puppets to get children talking about their emotions.

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How can puppets help children talk about their emotions?

Puppets create a playful environment. Play is safety in a child’s eyes. It’s difficult for a child to be guarded in the midst of play. Using puppets to communicate complicated feelings gives a child a safe way to communicate what’s going on with them. During play, children are more willing to express their feelings.

To a child, talking with a puppet can feel safer than speaking with an adult, which can be quite scary.

Tips on using puppets to communicate emotions:

  • Have the child choose an Inside Out plush toy of an emotion. (Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, Disgust) The goal is to have the child become the character and talk as the emotion.
  • Begin with helping the child tell a story as the emotion. — For example, “My name is ANGER and I get really mad when you don’t give me candy for supper.” (Remember that the emotion is speaking to you and not the child)
  • Show empathy. “I understand why you would be angry.”
  • Use open-ended questions in your puppet show to allow the child to lead the discussion.
    • What happened when _____?
    • Why do you feel _____ (the mood of the puppet he has picked)?
    • What did you do when _____?
    • Did that make you feel better?
    • How do you think that made someone else feel?
    • What else could you do?
    • How would that make you feel?
  • Point out that it is okay to have emotions, even if it feels uncomfortable.
  • Help your child realize that emotions can affect what he does, BUT that he has choices about how to act when having that emotion.
  • Explain that if he doesn’t like what he is feeling, he can do something — like talking to someone about how he feels.
  • At the end of each story, discuss with your child ways to cope with each feeling. “When you’re feeling mad, you can take three deeps breaths.” “When feel you sad, it’s okay to cry.“

Also, here’s a song about emotions you can teach your children ways to control emotions.

If you’re JOYful and you know it – Laugh out loud
If you’re ANGRY and you know it – Breathe in deep
If you’re SAD and you know it – You can cry
If you’re SCARED and you know it – Hug your dad

You can find the Inside Out plush characters at WalMart for only $8.88 each.

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Just go to the Toys section of the store

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But, remember, the emotion of Sadness can show up anywhere unexpectedly!!! Even in the toy aisle! (He wanted one of these toys for active boys.)

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How Can Attachment Become So Disorganized?

Before becoming a parent, a person should understand the four attachment parenting types. Specifically, foster parents should study the disorganized attachment style. Why? Because 80% of abused children come from a home with a disorganized attachment style – an attachment based on FEAR. (Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel)

80 percent of abused children have disorganized attachment.

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

  • Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
  • Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
  • Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Style

  • Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
  • Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
  • Prone to dissociation from relationships

I recently attended a workshop on Attachment and the Circle of Security — which simplified the disorganized attachment style down to 3 things parents do to disorganize attachment in their children.

MEAN, WEAK, or GONE!

Is the parent MEAN?

The very person a child has to rely on for safety or care causes fear in the child. That’s pretty much a given for physical abuse of the children that come into foster care. But it doesn’t have to be physical abuse. Harassing or humiliating a child is a subtle form of abuse that causes emotional problems for a child needing to feel secure. A child can become disorganized in their attachment.

Is the parent WEAK?

A weak, permissive, or not-in-charge parent can surprisingly cause a chaotic, disorganized family structure. When a child “rules the roost,” the entire family suffers. There is such a fine line from being permissive and giving a child a voice. Honestly, this is the struggle in our own family as we parent our traumatized, strong-willed child. Parents much be in charge, but in a kind way.

Is the parent GONE?

If a parent isn’t around and a child has to take care of themselves, the child loses any sense of security, and the family can become disorganized. Note that a parent doesn’t have to be physically gone. A parent that is spaced out using drugs is not present in the child’s life, even if they are sitting in the same room with the child. As a child of an alcoholic, I experienced feelings of aloneness and took up the role of caregiver in my family as a young teen.  But even a parent that doesn’t use drugs or alcohol can be “gone” if they are preoccupied with other things in their life – examples include watching TV, electronics, video games, or online a lot of the time and not engaging with the child. A child needs to feel a connection with their parent in that their emotional needs of feeling important are met.

Parenting children with disorganized attachment is a challenge not to be taken lightly. But by learning a variety of parenting techniques that encourage attachment, a parent can help a child learn to trust and become more secure in their attachment.

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Parenting Using The Whole Brain Child – Book Review

Have you read THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind?

This best-selling parenting book by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel and psychotherapist Dr. Tina Bryson has excellent advice on parenting that is based on the science of the brain.  The authors teach 12 parenting techniques that can help children deal with fears and frustrations by applying the latest research on brain development.

This book is an excellent resource to help parents understand how your child’s brain handles emotions and experiences; and gives you techniques to use as a parent to help your child make sense of their experiences.

I highly recommend this book, but I do give you a warning my video review.

Click here to view this Parenting with The Whole Brain Child video through YouTube

Purchase THE WHOLE BRAIN CHILD: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind {Amazon affiliate link}

Here are some posts that I’ve written about the strategies from The Whole Brain Child:

NAME IT TO TAME IT: How to tell stories to calm big emotions

FAMILY BONDING: Increase the family fun factor

Be sure & subscribe to my YouTube channel!

I’m Clever

Sway