Foster2Forever

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Can My Child Ever Love Me? Bonding with Adopted Child

As sun is to warmth and tickles are to laughter, a loving mom is to a child who loves her back, right? But how does that look when the child is a deeply hurt one, one who was not born of you, who has not asked to be fostered by you, who comes from a life of betrayal and abuse? How do you begin bonding with an adopted child?

bonding-with-an-adopted-older-child

When Boy first arrived, he would openly push me away, say he didn’t like us or our home. He said many times that he didn’t want to be here. He told me once he would never trust me.

Throughout his stay with us, I tried different methods of awakening trust in him. He clearly had reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and needed help with connecting to a caregiver. The only way to help him let go of his mistrust was to purposefully exercise the opposite, his trust (or whatever was left of it). So, I would “schedule” bonding time for us.

Bonding with an adopted child

Look into my eyes and count to 5.
I will hold you in my arms, and we will rock back and forth 20 times (looking into my eyes).
We will sit together, looking into each other’s eyes and talking, for 15 minutes. – I would ask him to tell me a story, any story, while looking at me. His first one was as short as this, “There was a bear. And a ball. The end.” I would ask about the color of the ball, what kind of bear and so on.

He would always complain at the beginning of those “sessions”. At first, he would jump up and just about run from me at the end of each cycle… But, with time, he began to relax. His stories would go further, he would linger around after time was up, looking into my eyes became easier. It came to a point where we “graduated” from those connecting times as things became more natural.

As we practiced attachment, love began to blossom. Not that he would write me love letters… But that I could see the sparks of love inside those eyes, who at first were filled with pain. Trust began to push away the monsters, and love began to conquer his darkness.

You see, a relationship takes time to form. It is one day at a time, through the ups and downs, experience filling the “life-book” of two people investing in each other…

After 14 months, looking into my eyes is an easy task. He smiles at me, knowing I mean every moment I spend with him. He holds my hand, plays with my hair, seeks closeness.

Come to think of it, the moment you receive your child, is the moment when love begins, really. Though he still struggles with expressing it, I know love is there… Because love started with me.

So, as sun is to warmth… Because the sun initiated it… And as tickling is to laughter, because laughter is a result of the tickling… So your child will love you… Because you loved your child first.

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GloriaRGloria R. is a mother of two birth children, and fostering to adopt an older child. She is  a licensed therapeutic foster parent with her husband. She continues to engage in research on traumatized children, foster care and adoption and hope to be a voice for kids, who often fall in between the cracks of society. She also loves writing and welcoming new readers to her blog, www.onemorewithus.com.

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He Doesn’t Call Me Mom- Older Child Adoption

It was tucking-in-bed time. He’d been quiet, withdrawn, and I could tell why.
My son is an older foster child, whom we are in the process of adopting.

A heartfelt post about older child adoption. #fostercare

At 5 years of age, my foster son entered the system. He came to us at age 7. He is now 8. Not to say his life became chaotic after he became a foster child. He lived in chaos much before then. Neglect and other forms of abuse were normal to him. Expected. Taught. Absorbed.

His removal from birth mom was a necessary call. The dangers outweighed the benefits of living in such environment. What am I talking about? There was no sure environment, for starters. Her rage and drug abuse took her away for long periods of time, as she farmed her kids around. Due to her inability to parent, my son was under such stress that he developed stress induced epilepsy… Which she was unable manage properly. Lack of medication or the will to administer the doses, not sending the medications to the caretakers (often, questionable ones, some were abusers themselves), all could have caused her son permanent brain damage. And aside from all of that, violence from her were both witnessed and experienced first hand, by him.

With such a long history of trauma involving her, you would think my son would want to forget all about her, wish she would never harm him again… But it isn’t so. He loves her. He always will.

If we were preparing him for reunification, it would make sense to promote their immediate relationship. We did, when they were trying to make that happen. However, her rights were rightfully terminated.They will form a better relationship some day, but not for now. His emotional wounds are too fresh… In fact, he doesn’t demonstrate the desire to move in with her again… Still, he loves her. He misses her eyes, her hair… I imagine he misses those short periods of time when he nestled in her arms, sensing her smell, listening to her voice.

We are preparing to adopt him, so it stung when I was reminded of this extension of his heart, his birth mom. Though he was next to me physically, he was close to her emotionally. What to do? How to cope with that?

So I hugged him. I told him I was so sorry for all the hardships of his life. He held my hand and asked me to stay with him for a while longer. I did. Then, I kissed him good night.

Mothering an older foster/adoptive child is hard. The “mother” seat may be taken already… Though, there is a place for me. For the honor of being called “mom” may not be mine, not yet anyway… But I have the honor of having him hold my hand as he travels across the state to find her in his thoughts. It was my arm he clung to as his heart tightened. It was in my embrace he buried his sweet little head, searching for comfort. My honor is to be counted trustworthy enough to accompany him in his journey.

Oh, why am I tearing up at this? Perhaps, because when I call him “son“, the echo does not reply, “mom“. Rather, it evokes the silent beauty of a new found trust, from a heart previously shattered, an echo expressed by his hand holding mine.

Join our Facebook page  to connect with other adoptive parents!

GloriaRGloria R. is a mother of two birth children, and fostering to adopt an older child. She is  a licensed therapeutic foster parent with her husband. She continues to engage in research on traumatized children, foster care and adoption and hope to be a voice for kids, who often fall in between the cracks of society.

 

This is so touching! Older child adoption from foster care.

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How Eye Contact Can Create a Strong Bond with Your Child

One of the best ways to connect with our children (or anyone, in fact) is by making eye contact a habit. Eye contact shows that you value your child. Direct eye contact is beneficial to the child and can help increase the child’s focus and ability to connect with people.

Many times, as a parent, I found myself busy doing something – wrangling babies, cooking dinner, picking up, on the computer, etc. – and my son would say “Mom, you’re not listening to me.”  Since realizing my bad habit and how detrimental that can be to our relationship, I make a concerted effort to STOP and look directly at my son when he is talking to me.

One-on-one full attention with your child cements a parent-child connection that every child needs and deserves.

At-risk children may be uncomfortable with direct eye contact, especially in the beginning. An abused child may even be fearful of eye contact due to previous traumas.  Don’t rush a fearful child into direct eye contact, instead practice for short bits to help the child overcome his fears and earn your trust.  (Also, keep in mind that in many Asian, African, and Latin American cultures, extended eye contact may be viewed as an affront or a challenge of authority.)

  • Move your head so that the child can see your face
  • Stop speaking for a moment to get the child’s attention
  • Use the phrase “Let me see your eyes“

“Never use eye contact as an excuse to give your child a mean or angry stare; instead use your eyes to communicate in a loving and nurturing way.” from The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family (affiliate link)

Great advice on bonding with your child! #adoption

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4 Attachment Types To Know Before Becoming a Parent

Attachment can be defined in a number of ways, but can be simply defined as the connection that is developed between a child and caregiver. There are 4 patterns of attachment that a child can develop while being parented, but first…

How is attachment developed?

Attachment is developed through repeated and consistent interactions between a child and caregiver. If this cycle is repeatedly met (doesn’t have to be perfectly met, thank goodness), a child will develop a secure attachment.

 When is attachment formed?

Attachment patterns are developed during the first 12 months of life!

Attachment patterns are usually stable over a person’s lifetime! (The attachment style a person develops as an infant will remain their attachment style as an adult UNLESS the person DELIBERATELY attempts to change that attachment style)

4 ATTACHMENT PARENTING TYPES

  1. Secure
  2. Insecure – Avoidant (Organized)
  3. Insecure – Ambivalent (Organized)
  4. Insecure – Disorganized

A child's behavior can be linked to attachment issues as an infant! #fostercare #adoption

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Secure Attachment Developed?

  • Touch, closeness, eye contact – Think of how you hold an infant and look into his face
  • Emotional attunement – Tuning into the internal state of another
  • Secure environment – Feeling safe and cared for
  • Shared pleasure, play, and FUN!

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Type

  • Seeks out caregiver when in need of physical or emotional support or comfort
  • Ability to talk about a wide range of feelings, both positive and negative
  • Feels comfortable exploring new environments while continuing to use their caregiver as a “secure base”
  • Enjoys and is comfortable with physical and emotional closeness
  • Positive beliefs about themselves, others, and the world
  • Emotionally stable (emotional regulation)

2. INSECURE-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Developed?

  • The infant is repeatedly NOT soothed
  • The attachment cycle is broken, and the distressed infant stops asking for help
  • The infant is left unattended, in neglectful families or orphanages
  • Sadly, the infant still produces stress hormones, yet doesn’t act stressed
  • The infant learns not to depend on anyone to soothe or meet his needs

Characteristics of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment Type

  • Emotionally distant and aloof
  • Limited tolerance for feelings
  • Inflated self-reliance to minimize need for connection
  • Independent or inappropriately mature
  • Lacks empathy
  • The child’s solution is limited dependence on relationships. Take care of self. Deny or avoid feelings or emotions.

3. INSECURE-AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Developed?

  • The distressed infant sometimes has his needs met
  • The caregiver is inconsistent (due to their own unresolved attachment histories, or could be due to substance abuse or mental illness)
  • Disruptions is care due to inconsistent or chaotic caregiving (also displacements via foster care)

Characteristics of Insecure-Ambivalent Attachment Type

  • Crave attachment yet pushes away (push/pull behaviors)
  • Clinginess (bottomless pit)
  • Unable to self-soothe (as they get older) and need all soothing from an outside source
  • Fear of abandonment
  • The child’s solution is to keep caregivers in constant proximity

4. DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT TYPE

How is Disorganized Attachment Developed?

  • Caregiver is frightening, dangerous, or causes terror
  • Child needs the caregiver for survival but is terrified of the caregiver
  • Child cannot find a solution which results in disorganized attachment

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment Type

  • Significant difficulty with behavior, emotions, attention, and relationships
  • Attempts to control their caregiver in order to make them more predictable
  • Prone to dissociation
  • 80% of abused children have disorganized attachment (Siegel)

To learn more about attachment and how your parenting can affect your child’s attachment, you can read Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Dan Siegel (Amazon affiliate link).

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12 Tips for Fostering a Special Needs Child

Michelle’s Story of Fostering a Special Needs Child

At my first fostering information session, I was told all foster children have special needs. If you think about it, it makes sense when you consider that a child does not go into foster care if they are living in a nurturing environment with caring parents or guardians.

Down the road and a few fostering placements later, I would learn what special needs really meant. Ryan came into our home at day 2 of his life. He was a drug-exposed newborn experiencing crystal meth withdrawal. My husband and I were not familiar with drug-exposed infants nor were we looking to adopt.

As mother of two and a certified childhood developmental specialist, I have worked with children with special needs, rare medical conditions, etc.  Ryan, on the other hand, was this fragile newborn in our home – struggling just to wake up.  As time passed and Ryan became more aware, red flags started to appear.

Soon after, visits started with medical specialists, including a pediatric cardiologist, pediatric eye doctor, pediatric neurologist and endless appointments with his pediatrician.  It was difficult to manage all of these appointments while maintaining normal schedules for my other children and a relationship with my husband.

Ryan is a now an 18-month old thriving toddler with epilepsy, cerebral palsy, and eye problems.

This past year and a half has not been easy with all of his medical appointments, social worker appointments, dealing with seizures, therapies, etc. but somehow we survived – some days by a miracle, but we did, in fact, make it through.

Our biggest frustration through all this has been social workers who did not understand the issues of our special needs child, or trying to get a court order for medical care, or trying to get alternative care for our son.

fostering-special-needs-child



Here are some tips that helped my husband and I through this journey:

12 Tips for Fostering a Special Needs Child

  1. Document and keep copies of everything!
  2. Find your voice as your child’s foster parent and advocate for your child,
  3. Establish rapport with social workers, doctors, therapists and your child’s attorney,
  4. If your child is receiving therapy, ask for the goals and the steps for achieving them,
  5. Educate social workers if they are unsure about your child’s condition and what it takes to care for your child dealing with these issues,
  6. Find respite care – find out what is available to you through the state and county foster agency or with friends or family that can come help an hour or two a week,
  7. Build your support network,
  8. Consider alternative approaches that might help your child – do not assume the county will say no. (For example, we strongly believed that Ryan needed chiropractic care which is usually not considered for foster children in California.  By getting Ryan’s social worker and lawyer involved and battling for months, we were finally granted an order from the judge to allow this care. The chiropractor was amazed that we had accomplished this.),
  9. Through all the ups and down, enjoy your child in the present. The past in the past, the future is unknown, and all we have is the present.
  10. Get down on your child’s level, play with them, pay attention to them uninterrupted whether it’s 5 minutes a day or more.
  11. Communicate with your partner, stay in touch, communicate your family’s needs, your needs, and find out their needs. Help each other find self-care that works for you,
  12. Research the adoption subsidy for special needs children in your state. A great starting place is the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC.org). You can search by state and they typically have contact information for the state subsidy person information and the NACAC Subsidy representative.

 

fostering-special-needsMichelle Ludwig is a licensed foster parent, patiently waiting for the adoption of Ryan to be finalized. She holds a master’s degree in Child Life in Family Centered Care from Wheelock College in Boston, MA.

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The Heartbreak of Saying Goodbye to a Foster Child

Saying goodbye to a foster child is the most heart-wretching part of being a foster parent.  Laura wrote about her heartbreak shortly after her last placement left – after almost a year as part of her family.

How do you say goodbye to a child?
How do you explain why they cannot live with you anymore while hoping they do not feel rejected by you?
How can you give a child the most consistency & stability they have ever had and then just say goodbye?

How do you say goodbye to the children you have loved as your own for the past year?
How do you have a baby from day 2 of his life and say goodbye at 7 mos?
When you are the only mommy he knows?
When he looks for you?
When you are the one whom he feels the separation anxiety from?

Excerpted from They Call Me Mommy

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Read more about saying goodbye to a foster child:

10 Things to Do When a Foster Child is Returning Home

7 Tips for Foster Parents to Keep Emotions in Check

Foster Care Isn’t About You – How to Support Reunification

foster-parent-bloggerLaura Bohmann Chapman has a HUGE heart for foster care and adoption! She and her husband have 3 biological kids in addition to foster children! She is passionate about helping others be themselves, home decor, especially creatively decorating on a budget. She is semi-addicted to thrift store shopping, antiques, and furniture rehab. She writes at Truly Me.

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Transracial parenting is not colorblind

“Probably because of how and where I was raised, I have usually approached discussions of race with trepidation – if at all. But since embarking on the adventure of transracial parenting, I’ve begun to realize that I have a duty to my son to have these conversations…”

Learning the Lessons of Transracial Parenting: NOT Colorblind

“Before becoming a transracial parent, I prided myself on being “colorblind”. I truly believed that the best answer was to ignore skin color. And I would get very irritated if anyone else used race as a descriptor. If I was forced to physically describe a person of color, I would mention gender, height, build and then whisper “black”, like I was saying a bad word. I was just so uncomfortable even discussing race that I did my best to ignore it. I steadfastly and earnestly believed this was the best non-racist approach, until I realized I was going to be the forever mommy of a gorgeous little black boy…”

http://www.fosterducklings.com/2014/08/transracial-parenting-not-colorblind.html

transracial-adoption-parenting

foster-ducklingsDuck Mommy is a [mostly] happily-married, Christian foster mom and infertility survivor blogging about life as the head duck-wrangler of a three-ring traveling circus.  In between herding ducks, saving starfish and her full-time adventures with an infant, 2 toddlers, 3 teenagers, 3 dogs, and 3 cats, she shares her experiences, point-of-view and lessons learned at Foster Ducklings.

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Best Books for Teaching Children about Touch

Last year, I wrote on tips for prevention of sexual child abuse.  The statistics on sexual abuse of children is alarming — Experts estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthdays! (from Darkness to Light)

One of the best things we can do as parents is to allow our children to discuss the uncomfortable topic of touch.

  • Teach your children about their bodies, about what abuse is, and, when age-appropriate, about sex.
  • Teach children that it is “against the rules” for adults to act in a sexual way with them and use examples.
  • Teach them what parts of their bodies others should not touch.

Here are some of the best books for teaching children about their bodies and appropriate touch. {affiliate links}books-sexual-child-abuse-prevention


Be sure and read these tips for prevention of child sexual abuse.

I’m Clever

Sway