Foster2Forever

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Cleaning House: Confessions of a Neurotic Foster Mom

Dust My Broom

Photo by Michael Goodin

Ok, I admit it. I am not a great housekeeper. I try. I really do, but I’m just not that good at it. Now don’t get me wrong. My home isn’t a huge mess but it’s never quite clean either. It seems like by the time I get done cleaning one room all the rest have started to get messed up again. When we decided to become foster parents this was a source of great anxiety for me. We had workers coming and going every month and I had this idea that they expected my house to be spotless. I feared that if they happened to come by one day and saw dirty dishes in my sink that they would try to take the kiddos away.

This is how it would usually go down. One of our social workers would call and ask if they could come by later that afternoon. I would say, “Of Course!” because I didn’t want them to think I was ever not ready for a visit. Then I would clean nonstop until time for their visit. I would clean until my home was unnaturally clean for a home with children. Then the social worker would come by, we’d have a great visit, and once she left I’d sigh with relief that I managed to get everything done.

Then one day it happened. We had a surprise visit. At 8am I hear a knock at the door. I panic as I look around and see the breakfast dishes still on the table, toys all over the place, and my floor not vacuumed. There was nothing I could do but let her in. Believe it or not she didn’t even mention the condition of my house. As she was getting ready to leave I apologized for what a mess the house was and she said,”Honey, your house looks fine. I was starting to wonder if the kids actually stayed here. It always looks too clean for a house with four children.” At that moment I realized the obvious. They know I’m human. They know that I have four kiddos and that some of those kiddos are coming from hard places. They don’t care if my house is spotless. They only care that it’s safe and filled with love for these kiddos. I’ve got that covered.

So, if you are considering foster care but are worried because you’re aren’t exactly a Martha Stewart type, put those fears aside. I may not be the perfect mom but my kiddos love me and to them I’m good enough.

transracial-foster-care-adoptionBecky Johnson is a happy wife and proud mommy of four, both by birth and foster care adoption. Because two of her adoptions have been transracial, her family often gets mistaken for a daycare or church group when out in public. Life in the Johnson home is fun, chaotic, and definitely blessed. Read more about Becky’s family at http://averyblessedmommy.blogspot.com

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Did She Drink When She Was Pregnant?

My nine-year-old daughter, GB, is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Autism, and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD). The Bipolar is well controlled with medication. I honestly am not sure about Autism… Autism and FASD have a lot of similarities. I am sure of the FASD. So far, FASD seems to have the most challenges.

What is FASD?

FASD is described as a number of different physical, neurological and mental birth defects caused by a woman’s consumption of alcohol during pregnancy.

First Signs of FASD

GB’s birth was far from ideal. Although her birth weight was good, the birth was difficult. Her APGAR scores were 6/6 and she was transferred to a NICU about an hour from me. Her breathing improved, but she had a very weak suck. They put a clean white diaper under her chin and after every feeding, weighed the diaper to determine how much formula she had actually consumed. Weak suck is one of the first signs of FASD.

When she was released, she went home to two mentally ill parents and was severely neglected for almost six months. When her parents abandoned her, my husband and I took over. GB never smiled. She couldn’t hold her bottle, and formula still leaked out the sides of her mouth. She never cooed, she never babbled. She was silent or screeching. She made no eye contact, except with me. She was up four or five times a night, every night. Children with FASD are at high risk for attachment problems.

GB started receiving Early Childhood Intervention Services when she was seven months old. She received Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, and Special Education Services, for a total of 7 services a week. After a few months, the ECI people met with me. They wanted me to know that GB was unable to generalize and had fixations. Examples they used were once they taught GB to “pretend” a red rectangular block was a phone, she then could not use any red rectangular blocks as anything but a phone. She would also not use any other kind of block as a phone. When they taught her how to build a tower of ABC blocks, she could not build one using colored cubes. They suggested I visit a neurologist.

Physical Features of FASD

GB was diagnosed with FASD before her first birthday. She had the Fetal Alcohol features. Small eyes, smooth philtrum, and a thin upper lip. Over all, GB’s facial features were more pronounced than 97% of children diagnosed with FASD.

Photo courtesy AAFP

Sensory Issues of FASD

GB had many fetishes each of which lasted a long time. A bubble wand, a specific pencil, sunglasses, cutting up white paper into little scraps. Any interference in these activities resulted in a melt down. GB couldn’t deal with loud noise, cold weather, or large groups of people. Years of therapy have made this better. Sensory struggles are also common in children with FASD.

As a child gets older, FASD can mimic many other disorders.

Overlapping Characteristics of FASD –                      Click on the image to see full chart

It is critical that the right help is found for the child as early as possible.

Although GB still struggles, I can’t imagine where she would be today if she hadn’t received so much early intervention.

GBsMom is 55 years old and working on a PhD in Educational Psychology. She has been an adoptive and foster mother for over 30 years. Most of her kids have been some combination of Bipolar, FASD, RAD, ADHD. She has been married for 35 years and is raising her second family, GB, 9, and Hope, 6. She blogs about her life at Adopting Special Needs.

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What if We’d Said No?

We started out, like many couples, looking into foster care after severe (secondary) infertility.  Our dreams of having a large family had been crushed by the heavy weight infertility can bring.  We wanted more children.  We wanted our son to have siblings.  We had very self-centered motives.

So we looked into all avenues of adoption.  We quickly ruled out international.  We considered domestic infant adoption, though the cost was prohibitive or at least made us consider doing IVF first.  We explored foster-to-adopt programs through our state and though the financial impact was substantially less, we struggled with how the revolving door of foster care would impact our family.  Eventually, after talking with various friends who’d pursued adoption, primarily through foster care, we decided to become a licensed foster/adopt home through the state – willing to take legal risk placements but only “once or twice” before we turned to straight adoption.

Our lives and hearts have been changed.

Our foster care license was approved two years ago (today!).  It took 19 more days before were notified and 7 more before a sweet boy and girl came through our door.  I remember I’d chosen to stay home from work for a day adjust and find daycare, doctors, etc.  I remember sitting there at dinner that night with an empty plate, having not made enough dinner for 5 as I was used to cooking for 3, thinking about how there was no way I could go back to work.  I was in love with these children – all of them.  It was apparent that caring for these children, whether I birthed them or not, was a great calling and wonderful blessing.

I did go back to work but arranged to work from home so I could transport the kids to visits.  It wasn’t long before I met my first “birth family” – mom, dad, grandparents, and more.  I was able to calm their fears and encourage them.  I was able to tell them that their children were safe and well-cared for and loved in our home.  I was able to see how much they loved their children and yet struggle with certain demons.  By the end of that visit I knew we’d not only been called to care for children who needed a home, short- or long-term but also to minister to families who were struggling and needed help.  By the end of that visit the parents had chosen to keep their children with us instead of moving to relatives.  What an honor!

Those kiddos left after 8 weeks to move in with their grandparents and later moved into a different adoptive home.  We too have moved on – in the past 2 years we’ve fostered 10 children and were privileged to adopt our beautiful daughter.  We’ve had a wide variety of kids. And many, many memories.  We’ve seen children reunified successfully and parents who lost custody.  We’ve seen relatives step in to help and some show tough love.  We’ve seen heartache and misery but also great joy and celebration.

One of the most popular things foster parents hear from those who’ve not walked in our shoes is something along the lines of “I couldn’t do that.  It would be too hard to love them and let them go”.  Having once been in those shoes, having said those same words, I now stand here with a radically different worldview knowing without a shadow of a doubt that though it may be hard it is well worth every sleepless night and every shed tear.  We love children and families who need extra love and support.  We help mentor others who think they might want to foster or adopt.  We are a real-life example of a normal family doing something the world sees as extraordinary.

Sometimes we step back and ask ourselves – what if we too had said no?

foster-parenting-challenges

 

Foster-momMarie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a mama, foster mama, and Ph.D. student.  She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and has fostered 9 other children in 2 years.  Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…

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You Can Tell He’s Not Yours

I think we have the same smile. Don't you?

“You can tell by looking at him that he’s not yours.”

Yes, those are the words Lil Bit’s Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) said to me during one meeting.

I was shocked she said that to me.  And that statement did rub me the wrong way.  Okay, I admit it – I was offended.

Would she have said that to me if Lil Bit were African-American?

Or what if he were blond-haired and blue-eyed like Blondie?

What would’ve been your reply?

Have you had to deal with small-minded people in regard to your children?

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Love From a Birthmother

I’ve begun receiving hate mail. Yes, it’s true. In my naivety, I didn’t think that raising abused and neglected children would be something anyone could hate. However, a community of birthmothers, angry at the foster care system, have attempted on numerous occasions to lash out at me and other foster parents for our role in the system. Although sometimes shocked by their harsh words, I do realize that they are hurting. I pray for healing for these birthfamilies.

However, not all birthfamilies despise foster families.

Some birthfamilies are grateful for the care foster parents give their children. I recently received this comment from a birthmother:

I would like to know how to let my kids’ foster family know how much they mean to me and that they will always be family to me and my kids. They have been with them for 2 years and they are now coming home. These people have been wonderful to me, my kids and my new baby.  Without them, none of this (reunification) would be able to happen.

I was really close with them until we got the news the kids would be coming home . I am sure they are crushed. I just want them to know they will always be Mama H and Daddy S to the kids as well as their kids’ brother and sister.

Can anyone tell me the best way to go about this please?

My reply was: “a simple card with a letter stating how you feel should help them through the healing process.”

What are your thoughts?  How can a birthmother show love and appreciation to foster parents?

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Hugs & Kisses at IHeartFaces.com - Click for free PhotoShop action

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Take a Chance on a Foster Child

Most prospective adoptive parents are afraid of the idea of fostering. We were too.

We did not want to care for a child for years and then give them back. We wanted to adopt. If fear had stopped us, we would not have been twice blessed by the tremendous gift of adoption through foster care.

Our first adoption attempt was through a domestic agency. We were seeking the placement of an infant. Wait times were upwards of two years. During that wait, we were extremely blessed by a surprise conception after four years of infertility. This also disqualified us from moving forward with infant adoption through that agency.

When secondary infertility became apparent, it was much easier to pick up where we left off. Except, our first agency only placed to childless couples. There was also the issue of finances. I left my job when Rosie was born and without a second income, we could not foresee raising the necessary funds to adopt.

Around that same time, a friend was in the process of back to back adoptions from our county foster care agency. Their first placement was a baby boy, who they picked up from the hospital. Their second placement was a four year old boy. I watched as over time these precious little boys so completely merged into their family. It was, perhaps, the first “adoption story” I witnessed in real time, in real life.

Their example allowed me to pick up the phone and call our county. We began training the following month. Two months later we received our first call. An interview was scheduled. There was a 2 month old boy in need of an adoptive resource family…would we accept him? We had not even finished our training yet! We were emergency certified and brought him home a week later.

He was the sweetest little red head with curly hair. He came into our home sick, and that sickness wiped out our entire family for a month. The transition was rough. Bonding was slow. A friend had advised me to keep a guarded heart. His birth parents were obviously upset about his placement in foster care. They clearly loved him. At his weekly visits, we slowly got to know one another. They were nice people with difficult lives. It was not likely they would be getting him back.

In July, we adopted Augie, 16 months after he was placed in our home. We have an open relationship with his birth parents and I can truly say I love them. We had such a good experience with round one of fostering that we accepted our second placement weeks after our first adoption. Our foster daughter just turned one and we are in the FWW (four week wait – from termination of parental rights). We are hoping for a spring adoption…which would put us at about 10 months from placement to adoption in her case.

Had we not taken the chance on foster care we could still be waiting to adopt.

 

Elisabeth has desired motherhood since puberty.  She was blessed to meet Mr. Right  & wed in 2002.  The road to parenthood was long, filled with tears & suffering.  In 2007, they were blessed with their miracle “Rosie” thanks to the help of NaPro Technology.  With secondary infertility, Elisabeth & Mr. Right entered the world of foster care.  They adopted “Augie” in 2011 and hope to adopt “Caite” this spring.  Elisabeth is an at home mom, who twilight’s as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Elisabeth blogs at Blessed and Broken.

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Our Foster Care Adoption EBook is Here!!!

foster-care-adoption-free-ebook-support-storiesHappy Valentine’s Day, dear readers!

We would like to send you a special valentine gift!

We’ve compiled the crazy story of our adoption of Lil Bit into a 30-page ebook!  With numerous edits and re-writes, this book is a labor of love for you to be able to easily read and understand our miraculous story in one sitting.

Our 2-year journey began with an adoptive placement of a beautiful baby boy that quickly turned into a court room drama.  Our story has many unique twists and turns with the State, CASA, Ad Litem, birth relatives, and a sibling home vying against us at one time or another.  With a few true life miracles that show how God’s hand was on us the entire journey.

In the end, we adopted our baby boy on National Adoption Day!

Look for our story tomorrow! Only for subscribers!

Subscribe now to get our free ebook delivered to your inbox tomorrow!

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5 Ways to Turn Your Kid’s Bad Day into a Great Day

I try not to be discouraged, but it’s becoming more difficult lately.  Stinkpot can have a great day with me or FosterDad, but then suddenly chaos disrupts our lives.

toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachmentWhen our family is together, Stinkpot acts out in the worst ways!

Our guess is that he craves the attachment and bonding of one-on-one time with one parent.  But then sometimes, even if it’s just both parents and him, he changes immediately into Mr. Hyde.

Evenings can be bad, but weekends are becoming the worst! All day!

Drawing on our past experiences with Stinkpot and with some guidance from his play therapist, we are attempting to use these 5 ways to prepare and help Stinkpot cope easier with family time.

1.  Talk every day about his schedule to help him transition from one activity to another.

“Today, Daddy will pick you up from school, then you’ll eat lunch together, then you’ll rock in Daddy’s lap and watch SuperWhy for rest time. After nap, you can play ball together until Mommy comes home with LilBit.”

2.  Countdown until family time.

“2 more days until Saturday when everyone will be home together.”

3.  Plan a special treat to anticipate.

On Saturdays, we plan a simple treat for the boys.  Whether it’s visiting cousins, going to the park after nap, or a Wendy’s Frosty.  (Check with your local Wendy’s to purchase a keychain token to benefit foster children and get a free Frosty at each visit.)

4.  Plan one-on-one time.

Since I’ve returned to work full-time, Stinkpot doesn’t get the Mommy time he craves. My goal is to show Stinkpot excitement to see him when I get home each evening. I plan to run up to him, pick him up and shower him with affection and Mommy kisses as soon as I walk in the door. Our hope is that 10 uninterrupted minutes of laughing and playing with Mommy will give him that daily attachment he desires.

5.  Bring back rocking and cuddling into his daily schedule.

Last year, I participated in One Thankful Mom’s Rockin’ Mama Challenge.  Daily rocking of my hyperactive, then 3-year-old boy had a calming effect to my traumatized child’s demeanor.

Our prayer is that focusing on one-on-one attachment and bonding will help our Stinkpot adjust to sharing time with others in our family.

What are some ways that you suggest in helping our traumatized children?

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Are You Martha Stewart? Or Hoarders?

They wanted to become foster parents and felt that it was their calling.  They had researched and were felt they were ready to begin the process to become foster parents. But what was holding them back?

Here is an excerpt from an email I received from a concerned reader:

“I have an issue that is holding me back from asking questions from an agency: I am terrified of the home study. I know that isn’t uncommon, and I realize much of it has to do with where chemicals are kept, and smoke detectors. But the thing I am worried about is, do they expect me to be Martha Stewart, or even her distant cousin? I do not enjoy housework. But I do it. I am not a neat freak, but I do like knowing where things are. I sort in piles, shuffling back and forth until the paperwork is finally ready to be filed AFTER each billed paid, every business called, every extra envelope discarded. We have lived in this house for a year, and I still have a few boxes that are stored mementos to go through and find homes for, because we don’t have the same amount of storage here as we did at our previous home.”

You Don’t Have to be Perfect to be the Perfect Parent

I shared with Jo how  I’m no Martha Stewart either.  I do struggle with the mounds of paperwork that comes with being a foster parent in addition to the bills and such from just running a household.  And please don’t look in my closet! Or my bathroom counter. {However, I am finding some great organization ideas on Pinterest!}

I did share that although you don’t have to be perfect, you do have to abide by the rules. You do have to keep cleaning products out of kids reach. We have baby locks on cabinets. You do have to lock medicines (we hired a locksmith to install a keyed lock on the medicine cabinet).
Also, our caseworker regularly checks to make sure that there are no dirty dishes out and that foods in the fridge are covered.

You can't be a Hoarder!

So, dear readers, what advice would you share in regard to the topic of housekeeping?

I’m Clever

Sway