Foster2Forever

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Does Adoption Cure Infertility?

As an advocate for foster care and adoption, I wish I could say that we began this journey out of the goodness of our hearts, that we felt compassion for the children who could not be with their original family, and that we desperately wanted to provide a home to those in need.  I wish we could say that we have always wanted to be foster and adoptive parents, but that is not our story.  We are infertile.  It was only after struggling through an uncorrectable, secondary infertility diagnosis that we even considered foster care and even that was only in hopes of adopting.  Yes we loved children and sure we thought it was important that someone take care of them, but we had never stopped to think that that someone might be us.

Foster-to-adopt is one of the many family building options thrown at infertile couples.  We hear things like “why don’t you just adopt” (as if it were that easy) or “there are children out there who will be lucky to have you as parents”.  Most infertile, foster/adopt parents have been lucky enough to hear the infamous “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” line.  These things are said by well-meaning individuals who are just trying to be supportive, but the truth of the matter is that infertility is not fixed by adoption.

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I may be isolating both the infertility and the adoption community with this one, but it’s true – adoption does not cure infertility.  Adoption and/or foster care may very well be the best option for you.  My husband and I believe strongly that more people could and should foster/adopt and we can attest to the unbelievable joy we’ve received from traveling this road.  I will continue to encourage people, infertile or not, to consider their role in foster care because there are children out there who need good homes and most of us could provide that.  You can make a difference.  There are children out there without a home, without parents.  You should strongly consider it.

Your infertility won’t go away.

We’ve known about our fertility challenges for 5 years and have been foster parents for 2.  I don’t think about infertility often – I no longer think about ovulation or calculate potential due dates on a regular basis.  Frankly, with 4 preschoolers I don’t have time to worry about it.  I am a grateful parent now.  I have had the wonderful opportunity to parent 11 children – I have had sons and daughters in several different combinations with different personalities.  My biological son now has a forever sister – one who won’t go away.  I love them all so much.  But I still desire to be pregnant again.  I still desire to have more biological children.  Even with 4 kiddos I still wonder what it would be like to add another one to the mix and I wish I could just make the decision to get pregnant, like so many others do easily.  When I go to a baby shower or hear another announcement it still stings a little.  The pain has faded and I’m distracted by caring for my family, but I’m still infertile.  People need to know that.  We can’t expect people struggling with infertility to adopt or become foster parents or even conceive through treatment to just move on and never think about infertility and the scars it causes.  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week – consider reaching out to someone you know who has gone through infertility and acknowledge their journey, even if you think they’ve come to terms with their situation.  It’s good to know you’re not ignored.

I wouldn’t trade our experience as foster/adopt parents for fertility – ever.  

Learn the facts about infertility.

What’s your hesitation to opening your home to foster children? Join this great conversation on Facebook!

 

Foster-momMarie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a wife, mama, foster mama, employee in corporate America, and Ph.D. student. She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and along with her husband has fostered 9 other children in 2 years. Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…

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Don’t Ignore Foster Care Adoption

After learning of our infertility in November 2006, we were down and depressed.  However, during the Christmas holidays, we conceived!  We conceived the idea of adopting a child through foster care. We first realized that we were really expecting a child after attending an information session on foster care.

That first trimester was just as full of nausea as any other pregnancy with all the arduous adoption paperwork which were complete with background checks, fingerprinting, and long, boring long-distance childcare classes that we were required to complete.

We thought the second trimester would slow down a bit since we had completed the state requirements to become adoptive parents. All we were waiting for was to finish our in-home study and inspection, or so we thought.   However, the resting point didn’t come.

Although we had been planning to move to a larger town in 2007, we didn’t realize that we would sell our country home in less than a week.  We found our dream home the very next day, complete with what would be a baby’s room.

As we began the disarray of packing for our move, our caseworker would arrive for our home study.  With that “final” task behind us, we hoped that our child would come soon.

The last trimester was one of “nesting” into our new home.  Our actual moving day was the day after school was out. As hectic as every move is, we were relieved to finally be “home!”

Two weeks after the move, I returned to the workforce in a new challenging job.  My husband, stepson, and even I had to adjust to my new role outside the home.  I wondered how in the world I would be able to juggle it all when school began in the fall.

We completed our fire and health inspections of our new home, one of the final steps for placement of a child.

As we excitedly approached our “due date”, my nesting instincts kicked in with lots of preparation for the baby’s room. We purchased a crib, and the baby’s bunny bedroom began taking shape. We were starting from scratch as far as any baby items since this would be my first (non-furry) child.

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The girl's bunny bedroom that became a boy's sports bedroom

I was certain that my water would break soon after, and that when my daughter finally arrived, she would be approaching her first birthday.

It’s amazing how true that was…except that my daughter would be my rambunctious boy, Stinkpot, that we adopted through foster care!

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week to help others learn the facts about infertility.

If you are suffering from infertility, please browse through this site to read more about how we became parents through the miracle of adoption through foster care.

Also, sign up to receive our e-book detailing how we adopted our second baby through foster care – a true miracle!

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What Do You Tell Kids About Their Past?


This week, I received a question from a reader that applies to nearly every adoptive family in the foster care community. How much do you share with your children about the reasons they are adopted?

Here is an excerpt from the message I received:

Hi there! We have recently completed our first adoption of a 3-year-old child. They came to us through foster care 10 months ago, and I am trying to find a way to explain to them why they came to be with us… any suggestions? We cannot currently have contact with their birth family for safety reasons, though we want to revisit the possibility as time goes on.

I thought about writing a little book about their story – but how do you remove the age-inappropriate aspects (teen pregnancy, mental illness, drug addiction, suicide, incest, gang life and criminal activity, mafia ties, etc), while still giving them a reason for having had to leave their birth family, and not trivializing it all to the point that when they are old enough to know more they resent you for not being open enough in the past? Big giant question, I know – just hoping for some insight from someone who has adopted a young child through foster care. It’s hard to know what to say.

We are in the same situation with our Stinkpot. This was my reply:

At four years old, I tell Stinkpot about being brought to us by a lady one night & that he cried all that night. I know that his drug-addicted birthmother loved him but just couldn’t kick the habit. When he gets to a point when he might ask, I’m just going to tell him that bio-mom couldn’t take care of him. If pressed, then I would explain how she had some problems that didn’t allow her to take good care of him.  Depending on his age, I will probably use it as a teaching moment about drug abuse when he is old enough to understand it.

Your children are young & as they get older they will probably not remember much so I wouldn’t fret over it too much. Just be supportive & don’t talk badly about their birthfamily. I have a relative with an incarcerated parent that used to say: “I’m a bad person, just like my dad.” Don’t let that happen to your child!

What advice would you give about sharing a child’s traumatic past with them?

I would love to hear from former foster children and what you wanted (or didn’t want) to know?

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The Gift of an Open Adoption – Even in Foster Care

Never have I struggled so much to compose a blog.  I must have opened and closed my computer 100 times mulling over the angle to take on this topic.  Ironically, that is much like open adoption itself; One thousand different options. Wikipedia quotes an author that nicely explains “Adoption is like marriage. There are countless ways that a marriage can work. What is right for one couple will not work for another. Adoptions are the same.”

So instead of telling you what an open adoption should look like, I am going to tell you about our open adoptions.  I truly believe they are one of the greatest gifts I can give to my kids.

My relationship with our kids’ parents did not start under the best circumstances.  As a foster parent, it was a challenge to form a relationship in the midst of a negative situation. Watching the family interactions, I immediately found “the good” in the parents’ love.  My kids are loved very much by their biological parents.

As our first case progressed, so did my relationship with my son’s parents.  I had a very emotional meeting with his mother where we discussed contact and visits.  His parents were so grateful to know that we would maintain communication that they voluntarily terminated their rights (essentially choosing us to be his parents). We have agreed to annual visits and twice yearly updates, though we have more frequent email communication.  Our first visit went very well.  He looks JUST like his mom, and I love that he will have a relationship with her.

With our second case, the circumstances were a little different.  I wrote our daughter’s mom a heartfelt letter explaining how we loved her, and she would always know she was loved by her mom.  The response was overwhelming.  A gift basket with multiple cards of gratitude, a book stating we had changed her life and a few gifts for our daughter – including a children’s bible.  That simple act of a letter opened up a floodgate and the first show of interest in a relationship.  We will maintain contact through the agency and consider visitation if appropriate in the future.

Ironically, in the middle of this writing, we have come to a necessary decision to move from unsupervised to supervised contact with extended biological family to protect our daughter.  It is a beautiful thing to allow communication and foster the relationship.  It is also important that it is appropriate.  To this, I would just add, when discerning the extent of openness it is important to enact clear boundaries.  I am grateful to have learned this quickly for myself. Err on the side of less and offer more if it seems appropriate down the road.

Ultimately, don’t let fear of open adoption keep you from moving forward.  Everything about adoption is a journey.  It took training, prayer and time for us to embrace the idea.  And it took sitting face to face with a birthmother to get it.  Our family has grown as a result of our openess and we hope our children will always be blessed by this gift.

Elisabeth has desired motherhood since puberty.  She was blessed to meet Mr. Right  & wed in 2002.  The road to parenthood was long, filled with tears & suffering.  In 2007, they were blessed with their miracle “Rosie” thanks to the help of NaPro Technology.  With secondary infertility, Elisabeth & Mr. Right entered the world of foster care.  They adopted “Augie” in 2011 and hope to adopt “Caite” this spring.  Elisabeth is an at home mom, who twilight’s as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Elisabeth blogs at Blessed and Broken.

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When the Call Comes, But the Kids Don’t. Waiting!

Last week, we received a very exciting phone call – a call for the adoptive placement of 2 young girls!

I was so excited to announce the news to you last Tuesday on Facebook, albeit prematurely. As a seasoned foster parent, I should know better.

Often times in foster care, the calls come but the kids don’t.

It has been nearly a week, and our caseworker has not heard back from the girls’ caseworker.

What my intuition is telling me:  The family members probably balked at adopting the girls (they are in 2 separate relative homes), hoping another family member would adopt.  However, rather than send their little ones off, the family will step up.

I can totally understand. And I am thrilled if this is the case for these little girls.

If the girls do come, I’m sure it won’t be before Easter, although I would love to share the story of the resurrection with this cookie recipe.

However, in the mean time, we wait…

Other Waiting

The biopsy was excruciating; I’m sure my outbursts of pain permeated that floor in the hospital during the ordeal. However, that pain has a purpose to bring peace of mind. The doctor is extremely optimistic, performing the biopsy as a precaution.

Now we wait to receive the results on Friday the 13th, no less…

How many “failed placements” have you had?

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Fostering Special Needs – Could You Do It?

We began fostering almost 4 years ago, and I often think about that first checklist we filled out, indicating what type of child we would care for that included race, age, and special needs. I am not sure if any of the children we have fostered have fit  what I thought I could care for. I am so glad that God had a different plan for us.

My journey as a “special needs” foster parent began with our 4th foster placement. I had no idea what I was taking on. He was a “shaken baby” with the possibility of seizures.    I’d had no training on special needs.   While we had him, his health continued to deteriorate. He had a long hospital stay, a feeding tube was placed, and the hospital provided me with all the training I needed.  I think about how God worked in that situation, teaching me every step of the way, as his special needs gradually got greater. It was also during this time that  I learned that our other foster son (now our adopted son) had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  That has brought on an entirely different type of parenting, but that is also a lifetime of special needs.

Owen- Special Needs Foster Care

Our foster daughter that we have now also had special needs. I thank God everyday that I was able to learn how to care for her, so that I could confidently say “YES” when they called me to take her. She had already been in 2 placements, and they couldn’t find anyone else to take her that would take on a feeding tube.  She is actually one of the easiest babies I have ever cared for, and we love her dearly.

I had no special training when we were opening our home, our license isn’t different, and most of my training has just come from experience.  The state will adjust their board payment depending on the level of a child’s special needs and the amount of extra care they need (although not automatically, you do have to often ask).  I now see that almost all foster children have “special needs” that you just learn as you go.

As far as medical special needs go, they can often times be easier to care for than behavior challenges. We do have a lot of doctor appointments, so it is nice that I do not have to work outside the home.  I think it is still doable, and your caseworkers can help with this if you do work.  My foster daughter’s biggest challenge is a feeding tube, and once I learned how to do it, it is just as easy as feeding her with a bottle, just different.  Hospitals and doctors will gladly teach someone how to do it.   The medical professionals we have worked with have been so helpful and so grateful to me for caring her her.

So often, my prayers include a prayer of “Thanks” to God for giving me the knowledge to know how to care for her, because she is such a precious little girl.

Special Needs Adoption Through Foster CareMaury has been married for 12 years and has 6 children – biological, adopted, and foster.  She and her husband have been fostering for  years, but her journey began over 5 years when she started working with the Heart Gallery, photographing children waiting to be adopted. She shares her journey at Counting My Blessings.

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Don’t Neglect You: Review of Shield

I have been cancer-free for over seven years now; however, I now have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.  How can this be?  The honest truth is that I neglected me. In the craziness of appointments for my children, I failed to make my annual follow-up appointments.

Compassion-fatique-tipsIn November, Sharla Kostelyk sent me a copy of her book, Shield: A Framework of Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families. Shield is a book that encourages self-care for foster and adoptive parents from the very beginning of parenthood.  While reading, I realized – “I have to make my health a priority in order to properly care for my children.”

It’s ironic, considering that last August I wrote about this very topic in regard to dealing with Secondary Traumatic Stress otherwise known as Compassion Fatigue.

Foster care and adoptive parents are especially vulnerable due to the additional stresses of caring for traumatized children.  This book offers practical, encouraging advice for those in any part of the journey of foster care or adoption.

The book encourages families to build a support system and prepare even before your first placement.

The first step is education. “Arming yourself with knowledge about attachment, the stages of grief, fostering, adoption, the effects of malnutrition on the developing brain, or various types of special needs such as Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).”

I wish I would have spent more time reading about attachment before we received our Stinkpot. I should have taken Family Medical Leave the day he arrived.  Throwing him into daycare quickly was not what our neglected 8-month-old baby boy needed.

Finding fostering and adoption support groups and attending before you get placements will help you in being prepared. The bonus is being able to discuss hair care and attachment with other moms.

In this book, Sharla compares life as an adoptive or foster family to a hospital triage situation.

“Your attention goes to whatever is absolutely critical and everything else, including taking care of yourself, falls to the wayside.” How true!

Triage is dangerous because you can only react and there is no self-care. When you are feeling overwhelmed that you’re not meeting the needs of kids – You need help and self-care!

To avoid depression and burnout, this book lays out 12 Steps to Survive Triage.

Shield encourages on-going self-care and using humor to combat stress and elevate the level of joy in your home.

The final takeaway for me was: “Cherish the gifts that your child possesses instead of focusing on the challenges.”

I found this book extremely practical to encourage me to take care of me. You can purchase the Shield e-book for only $2.99 through Amazon or directly through Sharla’s secure website.

Fortunately, the biopsy scheduled for Friday is, in fact, a precautionary measure. All my other tests have shown good results. Thanks, Sharla! My story could have been different.

Are you neglecting you?

UPDATE: I am cancer free!!!

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Adding Foster Children to Your Family: How Will Your Kids Take It?

“What was it like growing up with foster siblings in your home?”

This is the question that I am most frequently asked, whether it is by peers who have heard media-influenced foster care stories, or by families who are seeking to become foster parents while still raising biological children. When people ask me this question, it always catches me off guard, mainly because it is incredibly hard to describe such a major part of a childhood that seemed perfectly normal to me. It is equally hard to think of what my life would have looked like had I not grown up with foster siblings. For me, babies and toddlers came and went on a regular basis. It was hard at times and it was fun at times, but regardless, it was normal to me. We received our first foster placement two weeks before my 8th birthday, and adopted my last two siblings a month after my 18th birthday. Needless to say, foster care has impacted me in profound ways.

 

As I have sought to answer this question, my mind always wanders back to that early October night when I was 7-years-old, watching a caseworker hand our first foster placement over to my parents. I remember looking into the big, brown eyes of a severely abused infant and understanding for the first time the reality of the hurt that is in our world.

Those first few moments with that baby are locked into my memory as tightly and securely as a 7-year-old can remember. As I innocently questioned “why” a parent would hurt his child, I was opened up to a whole new world that involved evil my mind had never known.

Through the next several years, as babies and toddlers passed through our home, there were many censored discussions of drugs, sex, alcohol, and neglect. I appreciate that my parents protected my innocence, while still valuing that I loved my foster siblings with a sincere love and desired to know each one of their stories. As I watched my foster siblings flourish in our home and saw the hurt they endured, there was a deeper level of compassion and understanding that slowly began to resonate inside of me.

I played with the kids and accepted each one as my sibling; I took pride in showing off each baby to my friends; I made silly faces while feeding the infants mushy rice cereal; I learned the art of washing a baby bottle, changing a diaper, and bathing a baby; I browsed the baby aisle with my mom, begging her to buy “just one more cute outfit”; I sat in my room and sobbed, after saying goodbye to a child I loved dearly.

So maybe my childhood was different from yours. In fact, it probably was. My family grew and then shrunk again on a regular basis and the family calendar was filled with court dates, parent visits, and caseworker meetings.

However, the uniqueness of my family dynamics did not affect me negatively or ruin me as a person, as is the common myth. Yes, I saw and understood injustice from a young age and I struggled with the evil I saw, but I also learned a million lessons and developed attributes that I believe I would not have today, had my parents chosen to keep the doors of our home closed.

For those lessons, for my sweet foster siblings, and for my parent’s willingness, I am thankful.

Learning to AbandonKylee is a 19-year-old college student who is passionately pursuing a degree in Social Work while simultaneously learning what it means to be a big sister to kids from “hard places”. Her parents jumped into the crazy world of foster care just days before her 8th birthday and cared for numerous infants and toddlers over a ten-year time span; four of those children became permanent family members through adoption. Kylee loves sharing about foster care and adoption and is passionate about advocating on behalf of vulnerable children.

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Lil Bit’s Baby Brother – Isn’t He More than Just a Check?

If you follow on Facebook and Twitter, you know that we had the incredible blessing of meeting Lil Bit’s precious 4-month-old baby brother this weekend! Remember him? Remember 2 days before Lil Bit’s adoption, we received a placement call to foster this newborn brother being released from the hospital?

A decision that tore me up inside when we declined.  Worry consumed me until we discovered that Baby Brother had been placed in a home anxiously awaiting an infant for adoptive placement.

This weekend, we inadvertently enrolled in the same training class with Baby Brother’s foster mom.  Baby Brother looks like his older brother – and just as cuddly and sweet.  He is blessed to have a family that loves him.

However, our boys have half-siblings that aren’t as lucky.  Those other siblings were placed with a “friend” of the birthmother.  Remember the Cons, that were determined to take Lil Bit, since all it would cost them was a “shiny, new cell phone.”  Still determined to add to their “family”, they have been wining & dining birthmom at the Golden Corral.

All the previous children have been labeled as “disabled” so that the Cons can demand larger subsidy checks. The children are all encouraged to perform poorly in school.  It breaks my heart for these children that can only live up to their “disability”.

During our case, CPS adamantly opposed placement with the Cons; however, they flip-flopped their position in Baby Brother’s case.

The CPS policy of “family first” had them attempting multiple times to remove Baby Brother from a loving home to a placement with his half-siblings. Even though his half-siblings are in an uncaring environment, used only for a check.

The good news is that Baby Brother is staying put – TPR is complete – and adoption is the plan.

And the other big news is…

ultrasound

Not me….Birthmother….again!!!

I’m Clever

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