Foster2Forever

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Titties!

“Titties!“, she shrieked as she grabbed my breasts and squeezed.

I was shocked. I was taken aback. I was dumbfounded.
I mean, she grabbed me without provocation.

I wasn’t at a Mardi Gras parade. I wasn’t at a wild drunken concert.

I was in my home.

She was my foster daughter, Blondie.  And she was only 2 years old.

Best sports bra ever!!! And made in the USA!

As foster parents, we bring children from different backgrounds into our home.  Sometimes the environment from where they come is lacking what is referred to as “social norms.”  Their normal is not healthy or appropriate.

While a foster child is in our home, it is our responsibility to teach and instill acceptable behavior and social norms that these children may not know.  This may be the only time in their lives that they are exposed to “normal.”

What have you had to teach your foster children about appropriate behavior and social norms?

Lying? Stealing? Cussing?

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Do You Drug Your Foster Kids?

Last week on 20/20, Diane Sawyer reported on medicating foster children.
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Their report stated that foster kids are more than 13 times more likely to be prescribed psychotropic medications than the general population.

Psychotropic medications are scary to me, especially when young children are involved. In the story, the doctor in question sees a child for about 5 minutes before prescribing a mind-altering medication. How can a doctor really know what’s going on with a child in a short visit?

Effect of Anti-Depressants on a Child

At the age of 9, a close relative had to be hospitalized after a psychiatrist prescribed this child an anti-depressant — because he had been depressed for getting in trouble at church the night before. To say the Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) – a class of antidepressant – caused severe side effects would be an understatement. This child lost bladder control, eye movement, and basically went manic when he was medicated with an SSRI. Before that, he was simply hyperactive.

She then diagnosed him as bi-polar. What? That kid was not bi-polar!  He went manic when medicated and simply pouted when he didn’t get his way. It took months to get the child stable again.

Would you believe, only 3 years later, this same psychiatrist again prescribed him an anti-depressant? — because he was feeling down after a parent moved out of town.  He had spoken with this psychiatrist for 5 minutes where she basically told him if he didn’t take the anti-depressants, he would have to go back into the hospital.   As she handed over the SSRI drug sample, I heard her say: “Now watch him closely because we don’t want him to go manic again.“

I wanted to say: “Quack, are you the one that’s nuts?“

Personal Experience with Anti-Depressants

My personal experience with psychotropic medications make me wary.  Nearly 10 years ago, after losing a loved one, I was prescribed the anti-depressant, Lexapro. I didn’t sleep for 2 days and then became panicked when I had the dry heaves after attempting to eat. At the hospital, the nurse was very familiar with my symptoms from Lexapro.  My anxiety doesn’t mix well with an SSRI like that.

A few years later, after discovering our infertility, my Ob-Gyn attempted to prescribe an anti-depressant for me; however, she gave me a blank look when I told her that I don’t handle SSRIs very well.  She shouldn’t be prescribing psychotropic medicine that quickly anyway – she was the wrong type of doctor for that!

Then, when a psychiatrist prescribed a cyclic anti-depressant for me, I slept. When I called about the side effect, he increased my dosage. I didn’t wake up for 2 days!  I made the choice to deal with my depression actively instead of with medication.  By exercising and focusing on other things, I am the happiest ever!

Medicating Our Traumatized Child

Needless to say, our decision to allow a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for our Stinkpot’s hyperactivity was difficult for us. We were pleased that the doctor first opted for a more conservative alternative before prescribing stronger Ritalin or Adderall.  However, I did cry as my Stinkpot adjusted. He did well for nearly a year.

He is now on a psychotropic medication to control his rages, and I watch him intently, constantly looking for side effects or problems. So far, his behavior is remarkably improved.  Before, it would take him 45 minutes to cycle through his rages.  Now his rages last between 2-3 minutes.

time in discipline

Our prayer is that as he matures and learns more self-control, he won’t need meds to help control his rages. We are also examining other avenues, such as play therapy, bonding, and allergies.

We have been fortunate in that he has been our only child prescribed psychotropic medications.

What has been your experience with psychotropic medications? Do you believe doctors are too quick to prescribe them?

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When Your Child Acts Out: Benefits of Play Therapy

 

Just when I was thinking that I had this parenting thing down, a week such as this occurs.  Our 4-year-old Stinkpot is a strong-willed little tyke and will quickly throw a fit to get his way.  Last year, he was thrown out of 2 daycares, and now, may be on his way to number 3.

Yesterday morning Stinkpot had a major meltdown at school. Growling, kicking, hitting, and spitting at the teacher. He was even biting himself! We’ve gone nearly a year without this type of incident.

The teachers are sympathetic, but shocked at his behavior. “He’s been corrected before and even had time-outs, and he’s never reacted like this before.”

I took off work and stayed home with him.  He was grouchier than usual, and growling.  I allowed him to take a long nap, and last night, the family had dinner at Burger King to allow him to “play out his energy.”

Here is the interesting part — This is the story he acted out in play therapy this morning:

Bad guys were taking babies, and Daddy and Mommy couldn’t fight off the bad guys. Luckily, after lots of fighting, the policemen and Batman eventually got the babies back! The story ended with Mommy, Daddy, Batman and Spiderman driving away with the babies.

A removal story as told through a child’s play! And what a happy ending!

It appears that the investigation into our foster boy Lil Bit’s broken arm is causing some deep fears in our Stinkpot due to his trauma in early life.

As we were leaving, I told Stinkpot that Lil Bit would be staying with us forever.  His reply was:

What about me?

I told him that he will always be with us forever.  He began questioning me, “Even when I’m bad?”

“Even when you do bad things. We love you and you are with us forever.”

Our job is to affirm our Stinkpot that he will be with us forever!

Fortunately, we meet with the adoption worker this weekend to begin the adoption process to become a forever family!

What ways do you affirm to your children that they will be with you forever?

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The giveaway winner of the Dinosaur Train Spooky Scavenger Hunt book from PBS Kids is:

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Author: amy deeter Comment: permalinki follow you on twitter

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When You Shouldn’t Adopt from Foster Care

 

This week, renowned adoption advocate, Russell Moore, discussed how not every Christian should adopt:

For years, I’ve called Christian churches and families to our James 1:27 mandate to care for widows and orphans in their distress, to live out the adoption we’ve received in the gospel by adopting and fostering children. At the same time, I’ve maintained that, while every Christian is called to care for orphans and widows, not every Christian is called to adopt or foster. As a matter of fact, there are many who, and I say this emphatically, should not.

He goes on to say:

…every adoption, every orphan, represents a tragedy. Someone was killed, someone left, someone was impoverished, or someone was diseased. Wrapped up in each situation is some kind of hurt, and all that accompanies that. That’s the reason there really is no adoption that is not a “special needs” adoption; you just might not know on the front end what those special needs are.

I certainly agree with this, and even go on to say that every child is a “special needs” child.   Just like us, no child is perfect and will have unique gifts and abilities.

Sometimes parents can throw their expectations onto a child, setting the child to continually be a disappointment when they don’t live up to those expectations.  We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, even parents.  Some parents have unrealistic expectations of how a child should talk, act, and be.  A child’s traits can be positive: strong-willed (determined),  ADHD (energetic), clinginess (affectionate):

…we need Christians ready to care for real orphans, with all the brokenness and risk that comes with it.

If what you like is the idea of a baby who fulfills your needs and meets your expectations, just buy a cat. Decorate the nursery, if you’d like. Dress it up in pink or blue, and take pictures. And be sure to have it declawed.

Dr. Moore has written the book, Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches, a highly regarded book calling Christians to adopt children.  Another purpose of the book is to help equip Christian families going through the process.

I absolutely LOVED this book!!!  What are your thoughts?

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Night Terrors in Foster Children

A traumatic accident occurred last month that resulted in a friend drowning while vacationing in Tahiti. His funeral, 2 weeks later, was emotional for me and his numerous friends.

We traveled to Houston for the funeral, but before going home, we took a family outing to the Kemah Boardwalk, a restaurant smorgasbord accompanied by a small amusement park. After a sad event, I needed to see the smiles of my children.

At one point, with his petite hand outstretched with a small cracker, Stinkpot intently attempted to get close enough to a bird to feed it. When suddenly, in a flash, a seagull swooped down from above and snatched the cracker from our little boy’s hand, startling him. Stinkpot joined in our laughter.

After hours of fun, our Stinkpot quickly fell to sleep on the ride home. Then, after sleeping for 30 minutes, suddenly, he jerked awake as he yelled out, “Get away, birds!!!” Unbeknownst to us, our little boy had been traumatized!

Fortunately, Stinkpot didn’t have any other nightmares.

Night Terrors and our Foster Child

This wasn’t the case for our Blondie.  At 2 years old, she was excessively clingy and seemed to suffer from separation anxiety.  The first night was the worst with the wailing cries wanting someone she knew.  I wish I could say that it got better over the 3 months she stayed with us. It didn’t.

Each night after putting her to bed, before midnight, we heard her. Crying and screaming, running through the house, waking everyone. This occurred every single night. For three months!

foster-child-night-terrors

Symptoms of Night Terrors

Blondie exhibited the typical symptoms of night terrors. According to Dr. Alan Greene, night terrors can occur in up to 15% of toddlers and preschoolers and are different than nightmares. Symptoms include:

  • Screaming
  • Crying
  • Appearing to be awake
  • Running through the house disoriented
  • Occurs during the first 90 minutes of sleep

Coping with Night Terrors

  • Don’t awaken the child
  • Rock and hold the child to comfort
  • Say encouraging words such as: “I’m here.” and “You’re safe.”

Preventing Night Terrors

  • Ensure that your child is getting enough sleep
  • Maintain a consistent, calming bedtime routine
  • Note the time night terrors usually begin and wake the child a few minutes before
  • Keep a diary to see if you can determine a particular “trigger”

Sadly, I didn’t know about the techniques you can use to help prevent the night terrors.

Have you ever had a foster child that experienced night terrors???  What did you do?

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ANOTHER Investigation of Our Foster Home

A few weeks ago, our 2-year-old foster boy, Lil Bit, climbed onto a dining room chair while our backs were turned and broke his elbow…for a second time! Yes, the exact same elbow!  After our 26-hour hospital ordeal, we knew what was coming next….

The following Wednesday evening at church, as we were enjoying a catered meal of smoked barbecue brisket, Cole slaw, potato salad, and Oreo cookie pie, FosterDad’s cell phone began chirping its techno song alerting him that he was receiving a call.

It was an investigator with Child Protection Services: he was at our home!  FosterDad, always the quick-thinker never wanting to miss a church service, invited the investigator to our church to conduct the interview before our Bible study began.  Lo and behold, it was the same investigator!

FosterDad sat in the sanctuary for his part of the interview while I was herding preschoolers.  (With their affinity to climb onto the pulpit, one would believe they would have an early calling to minister.  My personal belief is that it is an act of defiance!)

Finally, we were able to drop the kids off into their classrooms, it was my turn for the interrogation interview.

The interview process took longer than I anticipated so I was going to be late for class; however, to complete the investigation, the investigator had to visit our home.  So much for “Staying in Love” this week.

I drove home, showed him the infamous dining room chair.

“Sir, notice that we have no coffee table in our living room, just a lone rug amongst the sofa suit. That is because our dear foster child is a climber.”

I even showed him how we have the coffee table lying on its side in a closed-off room. “We are doing our best to keep this child safe.”

By the end of the interview, the investigator says: “My daughter is the same age, and she is a climber, too. Just this weekend, I caught her by her shirt before she hit the floor.”

I feel much more calm about this investigation report….

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Another Investigation

For those of you that don’t follow Foster2Forever on Facebook or Twitter, our family had another traumatic event this weekend concerning our Lil Bit.

Our Lil Bit is 2 years old now, and he is a climber. We have removed the coffee table and end table from our living room for this reason. He is even using his potty chair–as a step stool.  We are constantly getting on to him.  However, we need to grow eyes on the backs of our heads…

On Saturday evening, while our backs were turned, Lil Bit climbed onto a dining room chair and fell onto the tile floor. Onto his previously fractured elbow. Snap!

The Saturday night at the hospital crowd caused us to have a L-O-N-G wait. It must have been “Bring Your Kid to the ER for a Runny Nose” Day at the hospital. (The doctor shared this with me.)  The x-ray showed a much worse fracture than the first – one that would require surgery – that night! At another hospital.

At 11 p.m. on Saturday night, our Lil Bit had his first, hopefully last, ride in an ambulance as he was transferred to Scott and White in Temple.

ambulance-child-seat

Lil Bit had 5 orthopedic specialists working on fixing his little arm. The doctors were concerned about nerve damage that could affect his ability to grasp. After numerous x-rays and consultations, we finally got into a hospital room at 5 a.m. with surgery scheduled for 8 a.m.

Time for a quick power nap!

Did I mention that our other son, JD, was with us? Awake the entire night!  However, he had slept 6 hours before we took him to Temple.

We awoke at 7 a.m. when Lil Bit was wheeled down to the operating room for the 8 a.m. surgery. The surgery lasted 45 minutes plus the surgeons were able to correct the fracture from last time.

Lil Bit slept most of Sunday so he wasn’t discharged from the hospital until last night.  He slept well last night and is playing and laughing this morning.

We’ve reported the injury and now just waiting for the next investigation into our foster home….

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10 Stress Management Tips for Parents

Are you a stressed-out parent?

Most parents would declare a resounding, “YES“! Add to that the stress of parenting foster children that have suffered through neglect and other abuse. Haunted by their traumas, foster children can act out with behaviors difficult for us, as parents, to understand or manage. The resulting stress can be overwhelming sometimes.

Secondary Traumatic Stress (STS) is defined as the “stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person.” STS is commonly referred to as Compassion Fatigue.

stress-management-techniques-tipsFoster parents are especially at risk for developing STS due to:

  • Having empathy for foster children; and
  • Not having enough recovery time.

As a foster parent, you might be suffering from STS if:

  • Acting and/or feeling in ways that are not normal for you;
  • Feelings of anger, sadness, depression, or anxiety that last longer than usual;
  • Having nightmares similar to the type of trauma that your foster children have experienced;
  • Avoiding places or people out of fear for your foster children.

The signs of stress can be physical, mental, or behavioral.  These may include:

  • Tight muscles
  • Feeling anxious, forgetful, sad, confused, angry
  • Lack of caring for others
  • Mood swings
  • Laziness
  • Irritability
  • Over or under eating

There are a number of ways that you can combat stress in your life.

  1. Exercise. Last year, I started the Couch Potato to 5K (c25k) program and now try to run/walk for at least 30 minutes 2-3 times a week.  (I jog 2 minutes, then walk 1 minute and have gone as far as 8 miles using this method. I DON’T run 30 minutes straight.)  I have completed a number of 5ks and am training for a half-marathon in November using the Galloway walk/run program.  I can feel my self-esteem improving with every milestone. Do you have any exercise goals?
  2. Eat Properly. I do not eat as well as I should, but have been more self-conscious of the foods I eat. I have a chef salad for lunch most days and have added more olive oil to my diet.  I begin the Weight Watchers Points Plus program in 2 weeks!
  3. Journaling. Having this website allows me the opportunity to write out my frustrations of being a foster parent. Do you blog or journal?
  4. Join a Support Group. The wonderful readers that comment here on foster2forever are my support group. Thank you!!! In the next few weeks, I will be adding a community to the website so that we can chat and support one another more. So excited! Do you have a support group?
  5. Ask for Respite Care. A few weeks ago, FosterDad and I took respite care and enjoyed our time away from the kids to reconnect and just relax and focus on the 2 of us.  Sadly, we do not regularly schedule time together and I believe we need time away again! Scheduling weekly date nights is the next goal!
  6. Family Fun. When we do fun things with the kids that allow them to be kids, we ALL feel better.  We need to schedule this more often! Last night, Stinkpot enjoyed playing baseball with FosterDad in the 102 heat. Maybe a trip to the beach this weekend?
  7. Massage. I get tension headaches when I’m stressed and can feel it in my shoulders and neck.  When pain killers just aren’t doing the trick, I take a quick trip to the mall to the massage kiosk and pay the little Asian man $12 to massage my neck and shoulders. Works every time!
  8. Yoga and/or Meditation. I haven’t practiced yoga in a few years, but the stretching and meditation through counting helped me relax tremendously. Also, this incredible meditation audio CD by Susie Mantell is the BEST!!! She gets you so relaxed, then asks you to think about what’s bothering you. Each time, I’m so relaxed that I can’t think of anything!  I’ve only been able to stay awake through the entire CD once.
  9. Music. Add music to your life. Nothing can change my mood quicker than music. My kids love music too. Singing to my kids also helps them during tense times.
  10. Acceptance. Learn to accept your children. Our Stinkpot is an extremely strong-willed child. As I was reading Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child, Dr. MacKenzie pointed out that it is the nature of the strong-willed child to test, test, test everything. Once I realized that it was Stinkpot’s job to test me, I was able to better accept it, anticipate it and cope with it.

Are you stressed? Take this test.

How do manage your stress?

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Our Foster Child Still Lags Behind

Early Childhood InterventionOur foster child, Lil Bit, turned 2 years old last week!  He has grown so much from that 3-month-old infant brought to us nearly 2 years ago. However, he still seems to be a bit behind other toddlers his age.

Last weekend, we attended a birthday party for his class at day care. All the children in his class have birthdays within a month.  As I was watching the other children at the party, I realized just how far behind the others he actually is.

Although Lil Bit is receiving speech therapy through Early Childhood Intervention, other children his age:

  • Have a much larger vocabulary,
  • Talking in short sentences, and
  • Are in the advanced stages of potty-training.

Also, during the party, he would not let me put him down. (my back is killing me this week from carrying around the 25-pound little tike for 3 hours)

I realize that each child is an individual and develops an their own individual rate.  However, it saddens me for him.

Will he struggle to keep up his entire life or will he eventually catch up?

I realize that God has a perfect plan for our Lil Bit, but I do struggle during the mean time…

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

I’m Clever

Sway