Foster2Forever

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My Struggle with Attachment Disorder

toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachmentHe was out-of control – as if demons had taken over his soul. His screaming was unintelligible. His body was flailing about with his arms punching the air or anything in the way. His face was the color of a sun-ripened tomato. His kicking jerked as his body contorted into different directions.

This wasn’t just a tantrum.

My role as a mother is to raise my precious preschooler into a Godly man. But my doubts overwhelm me during these moments. Had Satan already taken hostage of my child through a disorder known as Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD?

In these moments, I am broken. I fall to my knees crying out for God to release the demon from my beloved child.

Through the prayers, God is awakening me to devote myself to this child.

Whatever it takes, dear Lord!

My child has emotions from his neglected infanthood that he cannot understand or control. His desire is to have all his physical needs met and feel that unconditional love.

As his mother, I have to make sacrifices. I’ve taken him out of full-day school. I’ve taken family leave from work to demonstrate to him that Mommy loves him and wants to be with him.

I devote my life to my son.

A problem that isn’t too large for my Lord and Savior.

Have you liked Foster2Forever’s Facebook page?

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The Heartbreak of When a Foster Child Moves

One afternoon when I was in high school, I was rushing out the door for an evening event. One of my foster sisters, who had recently left our home, was visiting us for the day. She was preparing to move to another home and when the caseworker heard she was visiting us, she decided to drop by and personally explain to my foster sister what she was about to happen in her little world.

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I listened from the other room as this caseworker handed my 4-year-old foster sister a scrapbook that her new family had prepared for her. She broke the news to her much like a mother tells her child she’s going to a birthday party: “You’re going to live with this family now and they are so nice. You will love it!” The idea was that this caseworker would spend 5 minutes with my foster sister explaining to her that she was, yet again, moving to a new family, and then life would continue on as normal.

As I headed out the door, I peeked into our office to give my foster sister a hug. She was sitting at the round glass table coloring on a piece of paper. Lying beside her was a book of pictures that only minutes previously had been given to her by her caseworker. As I walked into the room and sat down next to her at the table, I began flipping through the pictures; one after the other I turned through all of the pages. I looked at pictures of children with their parents, read words her new parents had written of affirmation, scanned over a letter expressing excitement, and silently read about each member of this new family. As my eyes studied the faces I saw on the page, I suddenly heard gut-wrenching words come out of my sweet foster sister’s mouth, words that took me from my shallow, high school world, and brought me to the deep, raw, pain that exists in this world.

Without looking at me, my beautiful girl pointed to the photograph in her new scrapbook and told me, “I am going to live at their house, but I am scared.” Those words caught me off guard. I could not bring myself to look into her big blue eyes, but in that short sentence, as she verbalized her pain, I felt a small part of her heart shattering. She wanted me to protect her.

I saw sitting before me a four-year old girl who had already been through too much pain. In that moment, the big sister instinct in me wanted to stop everything in her life; I wanted to put her life on pause and allow her to fully live the carefree, childhood that every little girl should experience. I wanted to keep her safe and I felt that it was my responsibility to protect her. I wanted to live up to the expectations she had of me, and give her reason to trust me. In that moment, however, I was completely powerless.

Instead, I wrapped my arms around her slender waist, and used every bit of strength in me to bite back the tears. I whispered into her ear that she would be safe. My mom told her that it was okay to be scared. We validated her feelings and then let her cry.

Foster care is full of hurt, and as a foster sister, I have always had a prominent instinct to protect my foster siblings. It is hard to be powerless while experiencing a love that is so deep.

In those moments when we are without control, we are still given an opportunity to love relentlessly and leave a print embedded on a child’s heart.

Sometimes love is what binds up all wounds. The love I have for my foster siblings is one of the greatest loves I have ever had the privilege of experiencing.

Learning to AbandonKylee is a 19-year-old college student who is passionately pursuing a degree in Social Work while simultaneously learning what it means to be a big sister to kids from “hard places”. Her parents jumped into the crazy world of foster care just days before her 8th birthday and cared for numerous infants and toddlers over a ten-year time span; four of those children became permanent family members through adoption. Kylee loves sharing about foster care and adoption and is passionate about advocating on behalf of vulnerable children.

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Another Placement

If you “LIKE” Foster2Forever on Facebook, you saw a link to our new community forum about our new placement…

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Bubba, my 20-year-old stepson, is back home – for a little while – at least until he is able to go out on his own again.  He didn’t want to move back home, and at first resisted, but given the situation of having to find a new place quickly, he is here.  Stinkpot and Lil Bit are excited to have their Bubba home.  We are all in the transition phase of an adult child moving back in.  [Bubba has a different schedule that the rest of us.:)]

However, this incident really made me think about the youth that have aged out of the foster care system. Bubba didn’t want to move back home, but he knew this:

We are his family and he could always come home!

I have read statistics that up to 33% of former foster kids that have aged out of the foster care system will become homeless within three years.[1]  Nearly as many (30%) will be arrested.  Here are some other disheartening statistics:

  • 50% will drop out of school;
  • At age 21, only 25% will still be enrolled in school;
    only 2% will have earned a 2-year-degree
  • 62% will be unemployed 12-18 months after aging out;
  • 50% will be unemployed at age 21; median yearly income will be $5,450
  • 60-70% will have babies by the age of 21

Courtney, M., Dworsky, A., Cusick, G., Perez, A., & Keller, T. (2007). Midwest Evaluation of the Adult Functioning of Former Foster Youth: Outcomes at Age 21. Chapin Hall Center for Children, Univ of Chicago.  Wertheimer, R., (2002) Youth Who “Age Out” of Foster Care: Troubled Lives, Troubling Prospects, Washington, D.C.: Child Trends.

These youth have endured dysfunction and trauma in their families of origin, and have sadly, come to the realization:

“I have nobody. I am alone.“

Nowhere to go when they’re down on their luck. Sad when you think about the nearly 30,000 youth that age out of the U.S. foster care system every year.

Our Bubba does have a place to go, and now we are transitioning with him assimilating back into our family. [He has a different schedule and is now a smoker.]

Have any of your foster kids aged out yet?  Have any of your adult children moved back home?  I’d love to hear your stories!

Come join us in our community on Thursday at 2pm CST for a LIVE CHAT!!!

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Giving Up the Idea of Ideal

Before being licensed as foster parents, my husband and I were required to complete a training course called Group Preparation and Selection, or GPS. Every Monday night, for 10 weeks, we joined with other prospective foster/adopt parents to learn how the system works, what to expect as foster parents, and how to deal with children who have experienced loss and trauma. The classes were very beneficial and we learned a lot but in foster parenting, like in any other type of parenting, you have to be adaptable.

For instance, in GPS classes we learned that to ease the transition of a move it’s best to have several visits with a child before they move into your home. However, our reality is that 2 of our 3 children that we foster adopted moved in with us on the day they met us. Obviously this is not ideal, but the children were emergency removals. Fortunately, bonding took place very quickly and both children have adjusted very well to our home.

Another thing you learn in your training is that ideally you should build a relationship with your child’s previous foster family, as this builds trust between you and the child and eases their transition into your home. We tried this with both of our daughters’ previous foster families, but were unable to do so with our son’s because of the abuse he suffered from his foster mother. With one daughter, the foster parents didn’t care to maintain contact. We made several efforts to keep them in our daughter’s life yet they made it clear that they just weren’t interested. After only a couple of visits they were done with her whether we liked it or not. With our other daughter we tried to establish a relationship with her foster family, but the former foster mom was so bitter about not being allowed to adopt the child herself (She made some poor decisions that caused her home to be closed as a foster home.) that her self-destructive behavior made subsequent visits out of the question.

However the most surprising difference between what we were taught in GPS training and reality actually is ideal. In the classes you learn about how abuse, neglect, and loss affect children in foster care. You are taught about the stages of grief, creative discipline strategies, and attachment disorders. We were sure that the children placed with us would come with some major emotional baggage. Our first daughter had absolutely no behavioral or emotional issues whatsoever. She was the perfect 3 year old. So perfect in fact that our social workers were quick to warn us not to expect any other foster children to be that way. Our second daughter, easily our most difficult child, has ADHD and was buckwild when we got her. After only a small amount of time in our home we could see a huge improvement and she gets better every day. We are her 8th home, yet she is no more damaged than most other children her age. She is amazingly resilient. Our youngest son has only been with us since last June and already it’s like he’s been with us forever. He’s never had any unusual behavioral problems. He has ADHD and requires a little extra help with his school work, just like many kids who have never been in foster care.

For those of you considering foster care, learn all you can in your classes. Most of it is very valuable information that you will need and use. Just don’t forget that no situation is ideal and that’s ok. All of my children have been ideal, even if their situations didn’t start out that way.

transracial-foster-care-adoptionBecky Johnson is a happy wife and proud mommy of four, both by birth and foster care adoption. Because two of her adoptions have been transracial, her family often gets mistaken for a daycare or church group when out in public. Life in the Johnson home is fun, chaotic, and definitely blessed. Read more about Becky’s family at http://averyblessedmommy.blogspot.com

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Why Does My Child Act Like This? Could It Be RAD?

We began our foster care journey in the early 80s, and in 1985, we adopted a six-month-old baby girl from foster care, with known exposure to alcohol in utero. She smiled from the moment I saw her. She liked almost everyone at first meeting, and brought them books to read and toys to play with. She climbed into every willing lap she saw. She wasn’t much on cuddling, but as my mother said, “some kids are, some kids aren’t”. Although I didn’t know it then, I had just adopted my first child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder).

rad-signs-in-children

Types of Attachment

Attachment between a mother and her child is the bond formed between them, and the foundation of all future development. The ideal bond is a Secure Attachment.

An Insecure Attachment occurs when something interferes with the bonding between the mother and child, such as in utero alcohol or drug use, physical abuse, or extreme stress experienced by the mother. Early neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, prolonged separation, major illness, or multiple changes in caregivers in a child’s early years can also interfere with a healthy attachment.

Attachment disorders come in degrees of severity, with the most severe being Reactive Attachment Disorder. Very few children, even those with RAD, have all of the following symptoms. Since a number of the major psychiatric disorders have overlapping symptoms, you should take any child you are concerned about for a full evaluation by a competent psychiatrist.

Overlapping Behavioral Characteristics – Click on the image to see full chart

 Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder

• Superficially engaging & charming • Lack of eye contact on parents terms • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers • Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly) • Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone) • Cruelty to animals • Lying about the obvious (crazy lying) • Stealing • No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive) • Learning Lags • Lack of cause and effect thinking • Lack of conscience • Abnormal eating patterns • Poor peer relationships • Preoccupation with fire • Preoccupation with blood & gore • Persistent nonsense questions & chatter • Inappropriately demanding & clingy • Abnormal speech patterns • Triangulation of adults • False allegations of abuse • Presumptive entitlement issues

Treatment of RAD

Children with attachment disorders who do not receive appropriate interventions frequently develop personality disorders as adults. RAD is the most severe attachment disorder and has the poorest outcome, especially if left untreated.

The younger the child, the less symptoms you are likely to see. We adopted a 4 ¾ year old in August 2010, from a disruption. She is now 6 ½ and diagnosed with RAD. The only two symptoms she doesn’t currently display are preoccupation with fire and preoccupation with blood and gore.

She attends a day treatment program held in one of the local elementary schools. She has therapy three times a week, sees the psychiatrist every two weeks. We recently were approved for waiver services, which gives us 24/7 crisis support, skill-building programs, and respite care.

We encourage eye contact with chocolate, incorporate as much good touch into play as possible, and refuse to allow her to sabotage the big family holidays with her behavior. We are even taking her on a cruise this summer with us, although a friend who is trained in providing respite is coming with us. We are currently looking for an attachment therapist, preferably trained by Dan Hughes in Attachment-Focused Family Therapy.

A child with RAD needs intensive support to heal. We have recently began implementing the “Parenting in SPACE” through Safety, Support, Supervision, Structure, Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. We feel that this paradigm gives us the best chance to help our RAD daughter heal. Providing safety, support, supervision, and structure are mandatory. Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy are the things that differentiate a family from an institution.

Raising a child with RAD isn’t easy; however, as we see progress in our daughter, we find the rewards.
You can read more about attachment parenting in these books:
Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children ,
When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD,
The Connected Child : Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, or
Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories.

GBsMom is 55 years old and working on a PhD in Educational Psychology. She has been an adoptive and foster mother for over 30 years. Most of her kids have been some combination of Bipolar, FASD, RAD, ADHD. She has been married for 35 years and is raising her second family, GB, 9, and Hope, 6. She blogs about her life at Adopting Special Needs.

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Can You Stay Home with Your Foster Children?

Because of his explosive behavior, our son had gotten kicked out of his second daycare before Christmas 2010. He was only 3 years old!

I had ignored my rights under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and not taken time off work when he was first placed with our family in March 2008 or for his adoption the next year; but I wouldn’t again! So last spring, I took family leave to spend more time with my 4-year-old. My little boy needed his mommy!

I enrolled him in a couple of Mother’s Day Out programs, working part-time, giving me the ability to extend my 12-week leave throughout the spring until school was out when he could stay home with FosterDad (a teacher). I continued working to ensure our medical insurance would be paid.

Our son improved tremendously! No melt-downs or tantrums at MDO the entire spring or summer!!! (I wish I could say the same for at home)

Last fall, thinking a year at home had helped him, we were excited to enroll our son into highly-regarded daycare/preschool in our area. He had been on the wait list for two years!

At 4-years-old, he seemed ready. And he was — for only about 8 weeks; the stress of all-day care finally caught up with him. His explosions were worse! More out-of-control than ever!

We had to do something! We made the difficult decision to try psychotropic medications. His explosions continued.

We knew by experience that his time at this preschool was limited. FosterDad quickly found a place in the Pre-K class at the public school where he taught. My stomach was in knots. We were not solving the problem, just transferring the problem somewhere else. I knew in my heart it wasn’t the right thing to do. I needed to leave my job to stay home with my son.

Then, while at work on the morning of November 10, 2011, I was silently crying and praying when I received an email from one of God’s messengers.

A person from Human Resources had written to ask me if the time I had taken off the week before was FMLA. What?!

My fingers raced to place a call.

“Didn’t I use up all my FMLA hours?”

“No?” I was still eligible for over 100 hours of FMLA that didn’t expire until the end of January!

I was overwhelmed by God’s hand on me that morning.

My Facebook post that day read: “When feeling down and confused, blessings from above can make you soar above the clouds! Thank you, Lord, for your unexpected blessings!”

I never shared that with you since we were busy with Adoption Day preparations and trying to decide whether to add Lil Bit’s newborn sibling to our family.

I enrolled him in the half-day Pre-K at the local elementary school, and began picking him up for lunch every day.

JD was excited about going to “big school” where the neighborhood kids attend.

FosterDad began full-time family leave in February, and goes back to school today – for one month until school is out – then he retires June 1st!

Not that our son hasn’t had a couple meltdowns at the new school. (Fortunately, public schools can’t kick kids out for bad behavior) But he has adjusted and is doing much better.

Our son even won an award at school! Okay, full disclosure, it was a perfect attendance award, but we are proud of him, nonetheless.

I’ve reapplied for FMLA for the month of May – So today, I’m excited to begin my time off with my little boy! There’s nothing like Mommy and Me time!!!

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What Do You Tell Kids About Their Past?


This week, I received a question from a reader that applies to nearly every adoptive family in the foster care community. How much do you share with your children about the reasons they are adopted?

Here is an excerpt from the message I received:

Hi there! We have recently completed our first adoption of a 3-year-old child. They came to us through foster care 10 months ago, and I am trying to find a way to explain to them why they came to be with us… any suggestions? We cannot currently have contact with their birth family for safety reasons, though we want to revisit the possibility as time goes on.

I thought about writing a little book about their story – but how do you remove the age-inappropriate aspects (teen pregnancy, mental illness, drug addiction, suicide, incest, gang life and criminal activity, mafia ties, etc), while still giving them a reason for having had to leave their birth family, and not trivializing it all to the point that when they are old enough to know more they resent you for not being open enough in the past? Big giant question, I know – just hoping for some insight from someone who has adopted a young child through foster care. It’s hard to know what to say.

We are in the same situation with our Stinkpot. This was my reply:

At four years old, I tell Stinkpot about being brought to us by a lady one night & that he cried all that night. I know that his drug-addicted birthmother loved him but just couldn’t kick the habit. When he gets to a point when he might ask, I’m just going to tell him that bio-mom couldn’t take care of him. If pressed, then I would explain how she had some problems that didn’t allow her to take good care of him.  Depending on his age, I will probably use it as a teaching moment about drug abuse when he is old enough to understand it.

Your children are young & as they get older they will probably not remember much so I wouldn’t fret over it too much. Just be supportive & don’t talk badly about their birthfamily. I have a relative with an incarcerated parent that used to say: “I’m a bad person, just like my dad.” Don’t let that happen to your child!

What advice would you give about sharing a child’s traumatic past with them?

I would love to hear from former foster children and what you wanted (or didn’t want) to know?

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Fostering Special Needs – Could You Do It?

We began fostering almost 4 years ago, and I often think about that first checklist we filled out, indicating what type of child we would care for that included race, age, and special needs. I am not sure if any of the children we have fostered have fit  what I thought I could care for. I am so glad that God had a different plan for us.

My journey as a “special needs” foster parent began with our 4th foster placement. I had no idea what I was taking on. He was a “shaken baby” with the possibility of seizures.    I’d had no training on special needs.   While we had him, his health continued to deteriorate. He had a long hospital stay, a feeding tube was placed, and the hospital provided me with all the training I needed.  I think about how God worked in that situation, teaching me every step of the way, as his special needs gradually got greater. It was also during this time that  I learned that our other foster son (now our adopted son) had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  That has brought on an entirely different type of parenting, but that is also a lifetime of special needs.

Owen- Special Needs Foster Care

Our foster daughter that we have now also had special needs. I thank God everyday that I was able to learn how to care for her, so that I could confidently say “YES” when they called me to take her. She had already been in 2 placements, and they couldn’t find anyone else to take her that would take on a feeding tube.  She is actually one of the easiest babies I have ever cared for, and we love her dearly.

I had no special training when we were opening our home, our license isn’t different, and most of my training has just come from experience.  The state will adjust their board payment depending on the level of a child’s special needs and the amount of extra care they need (although not automatically, you do have to often ask).  I now see that almost all foster children have “special needs” that you just learn as you go.

As far as medical special needs go, they can often times be easier to care for than behavior challenges. We do have a lot of doctor appointments, so it is nice that I do not have to work outside the home.  I think it is still doable, and your caseworkers can help with this if you do work.  My foster daughter’s biggest challenge is a feeding tube, and once I learned how to do it, it is just as easy as feeding her with a bottle, just different.  Hospitals and doctors will gladly teach someone how to do it.   The medical professionals we have worked with have been so helpful and so grateful to me for caring her her.

So often, my prayers include a prayer of “Thanks” to God for giving me the knowledge to know how to care for her, because she is such a precious little girl.

Special Needs Adoption Through Foster CareMaury has been married for 12 years and has 6 children – biological, adopted, and foster.  She and her husband have been fostering for  years, but her journey began over 5 years when she started working with the Heart Gallery, photographing children waiting to be adopted. She shares her journey at Counting My Blessings.

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Don’t Neglect You: Review of Shield

I have been cancer-free for over seven years now; however, I now have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.  How can this be?  The honest truth is that I neglected me. In the craziness of appointments for my children, I failed to make my annual follow-up appointments.

Compassion-fatique-tipsIn November, Sharla Kostelyk sent me a copy of her book, Shield: A Framework of Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Families. Shield is a book that encourages self-care for foster and adoptive parents from the very beginning of parenthood.  While reading, I realized – “I have to make my health a priority in order to properly care for my children.”

It’s ironic, considering that last August I wrote about this very topic in regard to dealing with Secondary Traumatic Stress otherwise known as Compassion Fatigue.

Foster care and adoptive parents are especially vulnerable due to the additional stresses of caring for traumatized children.  This book offers practical, encouraging advice for those in any part of the journey of foster care or adoption.

The book encourages families to build a support system and prepare even before your first placement.

The first step is education. “Arming yourself with knowledge about attachment, the stages of grief, fostering, adoption, the effects of malnutrition on the developing brain, or various types of special needs such as Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).”

I wish I would have spent more time reading about attachment before we received our Stinkpot. I should have taken Family Medical Leave the day he arrived.  Throwing him into daycare quickly was not what our neglected 8-month-old baby boy needed.

Finding fostering and adoption support groups and attending before you get placements will help you in being prepared. The bonus is being able to discuss hair care and attachment with other moms.

In this book, Sharla compares life as an adoptive or foster family to a hospital triage situation.

“Your attention goes to whatever is absolutely critical and everything else, including taking care of yourself, falls to the wayside.” How true!

Triage is dangerous because you can only react and there is no self-care. When you are feeling overwhelmed that you’re not meeting the needs of kids – You need help and self-care!

To avoid depression and burnout, this book lays out 12 Steps to Survive Triage.

Shield encourages on-going self-care and using humor to combat stress and elevate the level of joy in your home.

The final takeaway for me was: “Cherish the gifts that your child possesses instead of focusing on the challenges.”

I found this book extremely practical to encourage me to take care of me. You can purchase the Shield e-book for only $2.99 through Amazon or directly through Sharla’s secure website.

Fortunately, the biopsy scheduled for Friday is, in fact, a precautionary measure. All my other tests have shown good results. Thanks, Sharla! My story could have been different.

Are you neglecting you?

UPDATE: I am cancer free!!!

I’m Clever

Sway