Foster2Forever

by

When Birthparents Make the News

One evening, after putting the kids to bed, I sat back on the sofa and propped my feet up – my first chance to relax after coming home from work.  I flipped on the television and turned on the local news – maybe a new store was opening?

My feet, along with my jaw, quickly hit the floor when I saw this…

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are NOT the birthparents, although they are that good-looking.

My child’s birthparents had been arrested!  Not for shoplifting or writing hot checks – but for an extremely violent crime!

The birthfather was sentenced to prison.

I am thankful that my little boy isn’t in the middle of all that. I am thankful that my little boy doesn’t have to be fearful of the police showing up to take his family away. I am thankful that my little boy is safe!

I am also thankful, in this case, that we have a closed adoption.

(The crime and arrest occurred three years ago, and the birthfather was recently released from prison. I will let you know later how I knew he was released.)

by

Are You Ever Really Prepared to be a Foster Parent?

We had taken over 30 hours of training to become a foster parent!
We had a car seat and a crib – the items our caseworker required before opening our home to new placements!
For two years, I had successfully home schooled my teenage stepson with his ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome.
I was ready for a child!!!
Or so I thought….

And then our first placement arrived!

foster-care-parenting-preparations

I learned just how clueless about parenting I really was!

; How clueless were you about parenting?

by

I’m Treating my Kindergartner Like a Baby – And It’s Working

For those of you with children that may have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or other attachment issues, you can understand the disruption it causes in your family. The sheer exhaustion of it all.

Many times I am overwhelmed by the reaction that my child has sometimes. And nothing seems to work. However, after so many of you recommended it, I finally began reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive familyby Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU.  (Read about Feeling Hopeless from Chapter 1. Are you reading along?)

Chapter 2 of The Connected Child is “Where Your Child Began” and describes all the sensory input your adopted child may have missed to be able to form normal attachments in life. Chapter 2 of the companion study guide, Created to Connect, focuses on feeling compassion for your child.  I do feel compassion for my child – I love him – but sometimes when he turns into possessed devil-child, I just want to lay down the strict law to get his little butt to straighten up!

However, there was one small sentence in the book that hit me: “Your job, as parents, is to help these children get what they missed…” Then the study guide expanded on this concept about “Returning to the Beginning” discussing how children may actually be required to “go backwards” in order to move forward. When I read the illustration about the older adoptee wanting hot tea with her mom many times a day and her mom’s comparison to bottles and sippy cups, it struck a chord with me.

Although we received our child as an 8-month-old foster baby, do we need to somehow go backward and makeup for those first 8 months of neglect?

One night, our child had another horrible episode. He wanted to go outside and play football but was refusing to eat supper. He even attempted to throw his plate across the room. FosterDad was clearly in discipline mode.  I intervened with another approach.

reactive-attachment-disorder-therapy

As I scooped my little one up in my lap, he first fought me, but in a soft baby-toned voice, I began saying: “Oh! My little baby needs to eat supper, but this food is for big kids. Let’s mash this up and put a bib on this baby! Oh, here’s a bite. Open wide, baby…”

Would you believe, he began playing like he was a baby and anxiously took bite after bite until he was done?  Then he got down and went outside to throw the football with Daddy.

Whoa! Crazy, huh? But it worked!

Then the next night again, he was throwing a fit about wanting some candy, but we had Pediasure for him to drink. I picked up the squirt bottle it was in, acting like it was a bottle, and put my child in my lap in the rocking chair. “Oh, look at this baby needing his bottle!”  He drank it quickly and the evening went well after all that drama.

This is nuts! But it’s working!

Now, I don’t want my child ruling the roost, so to speak, but by “going backwards”, he is getting something that he missed, and we, as parents, are getting him to mind (in a weird kind of way).  Is this approach the right approach?  Who knows?

There will be someone that will criticize me for “giving in” to his fits, but it’s working right now for our family right now.

Hopefully, I won’t be picking him up and treating him like a baby when he’s a teenager – THAT would be awkward!

Are you reading The Connected Child along with me? What may your child have missed? How can you go backwards to help heal your child?

by

Healing from the Grief of a Failed Adoption

Today we have special guest, Annette from Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea sharing her touching story with you…
My story is different than many, in that my husband and I did not decide to Foster but rather we were asked by a teenage mother to adopt her baby that she was unable to care for. We were told that her biological father had nothing to do with her, and her mother told us that she just could not handle being a mother.  “Sweet Pea” was turned over to Department of Social Services (DSS) one weekend and placed in a temporary Foster Home. When her mother met with Attorneys the following Monday. she named us as Guardianship Caregivers (and future adoptive parents). After meeting with DSS and having a home inspection, we signed up for fostering classes and brought Sweet Pea home with us.
The goal of DSS is reunification and we always knew that. but the biological mother (who called me often) was adamant that the father was going to sign the adoption papers. He didn’t! He decided he wanted custody of Sweet Pea and visitations were given. I always dressed her up and sent notes to him about what she was doing that was new (like when she rolled over for the first time).  Eventually full custody was given to Sweet Pea’s father, with a few stipulations, such as taking parenting classes.
We bonded with Sweet Pea, and I had convinced myself she would be ours and her Daddy would not fulfill his part, but he did. After three months, we were told that we had to hand her over to her daddy. I wrote about that day here on my blog.
Losing our foster baby was the hardest thing that I have ever done! It hurt and I’ve cried a river of tears over the past year but I would not change a thing. That baby girl needed a mother figure to care for her and give her stability. I gave her that. She was loved by my three daughters and my husband. We were given the opportunity to talk with her Daddy and give him some advice that parents often give since he didn’t have that kind of family support. As difficult as it was, I can now look back and see that we were there for Sweet Pea and we were there for her mother and her father. We showed them the love of Christ at a difficult time.
Fostering is a blessing for all involved. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but who could walk away from a child in need. The loss of that baby girl was like a death to me, and the healing took a long time. It’s been a year now, and I can finally smile when I see her pictures instead of cry.  Healing takes time but it happens, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of that family’s life during a difficult time.

Has your heart been broken by a failed adoption?

Annette Smith is the wife of a cop and a mother to four children (ages 11,16,18,20) and chickens. She has been married for 23 years. She’s addicted to blogging about her live in the South at Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea.

by

My Chick-Fil-A Controversy for Having Too Many Kids

chick-fil-a-anti-gay-controversy-childrenI’m so sick of this Chick-Fil-A controversy! What happened to the right to free speech? ENOUGH already!

However, I recently had my own Chick-Fil-A  controversy.  As you know, I’m still adjusting to the dynamics and logistics of large family living and herding 5 children.

Last Saturday, after a quick visit with cousins out-of-town, I took all the kids to a Metroplex Chick-Fil-A before loading them back into the GMC Yukon for the ride home. My plan: play hard, then sleep hard on the ride home.

Five kids into a restaurant by myself? What the heck was I thinking? I’m no freaking SuperMom, for Pete’s sake!!!

kids-at-chick-fil-a-controversy

That being said, I thought I did fairly well ordering our meals, keeping Cupcake and Twinkie with me while the boys rushed off to play. I quickly found a table adjacent to the playroom, and set up camp. Sometime, in the midst of feeding the preschoolers and 10-month-old Cupcake, 4-year-old Donut announced that he needed to go to the bathroom. I mumbled “in a minute” as I was wondering how in the world I was going to manage taking this brood to the bathroom.

I looked up and saw that he had already darted across the restaurant and was going into the mens room. Well, “not a whole lot I can do now that he’s already made a run for it” was the thought that crossed my mind. So I watched the mens room door, and in hindsight, should have sent Stinkpot after him.

A couple minutes later, a man who had been sitting near the bathroom approached me. “Is that your little boy in the restroom? He’s needing help.”

I scooped up Cupcake, and went and opened the mens room door. Donut was in the stall with his pants at his ankles exasperated that he couldn’t find the toilet paper.  He obviously didn’t realize the large contraption in the stall is, in fact, toilet paper. I coached him through wiping, flushing, washing and drying his hands with the mens room door open while watching the other kids eat.

As Donut ran back to the table, the man spoke to me:

“I’m not one to tell other people how to parent, but you should never have your children any more than an arms length away from you at all times. You should be able to grab your kid in an instant.“

Dumbfounded, I replied, “Yeah,” and turned to go back to my table.

My response only irritated this man.

“Listen! I work in a penitentiary and there are some bad people out there! Bad people! That could do horrible things to your kids.“

Downtrodden by this single man’s judgment of me, my only reply was “I know” and I walked back to my table.

I knew he was right. I now have a large family for the time being, and I should have had a plan before I attempted to step foot into a restaurant with 5 little ones.

I also wish my reply would have been more like:

“I know all about bad people. Two of the kids’ dads are in prison and the other would be if he hadn’t be deported. If more people like you who know so much about parenting would open their homes to foster children, then I wouldn’t have 5 children in mine!“

How do you manage handling numerous children in public? What would have been your response to the single man?

by

Shazam! We Have a Large Family! Now What?

having-large-family-life-blog
In an instant, with just one phone call, as is true foster family form,we went from a family of 4 to a family of 7!

In addition to our rambunctious 5-year-old RADish, Stinkpot, and our sweet 3-year-old, Lil Bit, we now have 3 additional little ones:

  • Finicky 4-year-old, Donut;
  • Energetic, sensory-seeking 21-month-old, Twinkie;
  • Precious 10-month-old, Cupcake.

Adding 3 children may not seem like much to Michelle Duggar, but to us, overwhelming! Especially, given we now have 5 kids age 5 and under!!!

Last week, I asked Facebook fans for tips to help us transition to large family life. Your tips are wonderful and I love all you had to say!

20 Tips for Large Family Life

  1. Work together better with your spouse as a team to get things done.
  2. Be very organized! Organization will save your life. If it doesn’t come naturally, find someone to help you get it going.
  3. Make lots of lists!
  4. Use a calendar  – Check out these tips to manage numerous foster care appointments
  5. Stick to a schedule! It makes life better for everyone. Having a routine everyday helps calm the kids and you too!
  6. Plan meals in advance.  (Ramon noodles make a great, quick and cheap lunch that feeds everyone.)
  7. Serving meals buffet-style if the kids are old enough to manage can be helpful.
  8. Shop in bulk.
  9. Lay out clothes the night before.
  10. Establish a bedtime routine, such as a warm deep bath before bedtime, turn off television, dim all lights and play soft music.
  11. Assigning chores to everyone and making it fun is a good idea–“lets see who can pick up the most toys in 5 minutes…GO!” Chores will make children more appreciate and learn to be productive adults.
  12. Do at least one load of laundry every day! One large family I know had a designated day for each child to do their own laundry – helps build personal responsibility.
  13. Count. Heads. Often!
  14. Make sure that the “well-behaved” kid doesn’t get ignored! We have had some that needed so much attention that we didn’t make as much time for the child who was self-sufficient, quiet and well-behaved.
  15. Watch Karyn Purvis videos often….”they help MORE THAN I CAN SAY. BUY THEM!”
  16. Be realistic with your expectations of the children and yourself.
  17. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF!!! Even a brisk 15 minute walk is great to relieve stress. Check out this fabulous e-book on self-care for foster and adoptive families.
  18. Use Respite Care and take time away to recharge! Use sitters and friends. And if anyone offers help, take them up on it!
  19. Pray. Stop to make yourself have a moment in prayer also helps.
  20. Be okay with just getting through some days! That is, you say that in the beginning of going from zero kids, to one, to three – all in 6 weeks – Don’t feel guilty if a day isn’t full of educational, engaging, planned out loveliness. Sometimes things go sideways, plans don’t work out, babies are too tired/grumpy (and maybe mommas too…) – and that’s okay! Be forgiving of yourself. 🙂

 

by

My Confession: How I KNEW Sandusky was a Pervert

One of my earliest memories. I was around 4 years old, possibly even 3.  A large number of family members in a not-so-large house.  I remember running through the halls between the bedrooms, as I was playing chase with some cousins a bit younger than me.

And is that all it took? He must have been watching me from the doorway of one of the bedrooms. I didn’t notice – I was enjoying the stomping noise my Buster Brown shoes were making on the hard wood floors.

Then – Did he grab me? Or did he just take me away by the hand?  I really don’t remember.

I remember him closing the door to the bedroom – and the large luggage trunk sitting up on its end. He picked me up and sat me on it and hurriedly unzipped his pants. I remember him taking a large sausage out of his pants. It was flat on the end – not round, like the end of a sausage. Was he uncircumcised?

He then quickly pulled my panties to the side and rubbed against me.

His words I remember: “Ah! That’s better now.”

He quickly put me down, patted me on the rear, and said, “You go play now.”

And I skipped out of the bedroom, anxious to get back to my cousins.

That molestation couldn’t have taken longer than 2 minutes.  That’s how quickly a child can be violated.

In a houseful of people.  A child doesn’t necessarily have to be alone with someone.

And I didn’t tell anyone for nearly 2 decades.

Why am I telling you this?

1 in every 4 girls are sexually abused by the time they are 18 years old. 1 in 6 boys.  Less than a third of cases are ever reported.(1) Mine wasn’t.

sexual-abuse-foster-care-sanduskyJerry Sandusky’s abuse should have only happened once. We have to make it okay for kids to tell! Many are afraid that nobody will believe them.  Sandusky’s victims were.

The statistics are startling, aren’t they? In the 100 or so of you that regularly read my little blog, the statistics say that at least 2 dozen of you have survived sexual abuse. Have you told? 

I’m opening up guest post spots for you to finally tell others about how you were a victim of sexual abuse.  Just send me a message on my contact page.  It can be anonymous.

How can we ask children to tell, if we, as adults, don’t?

Share this page on Facebook, Pin It, Tweet It. Let everyone know that it’s okay to tell!

by

The Email that Broke My Heart

Yesterday, I had a post drafted.  Maybe you are sick of hearing about Jerry Sandusky and the trial that has now gone into jury deliberations.  Maybe you don’t really care what his wife, Dottie, said about the victims in her testimony. Or what happened with his Second Mile charity for at-risk kids… I’m not writing about that today.

I’m sitting at a public library, typing a difficult message through misty eyes.  Last night, I had a huge paradigm shift where my worldview was changed.

Last night, I received an email.

That email has torn my soul apart by its honesty about what’s real in the world.

Right now, at this moment, I don’t have the words. I don’t have the courage to write about what is real in the world today.

My soul weeps for any child who has aged out of the foster care system without a family.

If you want your heart broken and soul touched – you can read this honest message about survival post-foster care.

by

3 Tips to Make Family Visits Easier for your Foster Child

Crying-Foster-Girl-Throwing-Tantrum-Family-VisitThe family visits your foster child has after removal from their birth family can stir up emotions that a child simply can’t understand or process. In 2009, our family had a bright and beautiful 2-year-old little girl join our family for 3 months. Her attachment issues were severe with extreme clinginess, incessant whining, night terrors, and an aversion to men. The weekly visits with her birth family caused her behaviors to intensify and disrupt our entire family. We found that by transitioning the child from her birth family to her foster family after each visit seemed to help calm her and help her feel more secure. Be sure to follow your agency’s foster care visitation rules. 

3 Tips for Family Visits

1.  Request family visit times that will allow your foster child to process feelings before going back into a daily routine, if possible.

For me, as a working foster mom of a toddler in daycare, Friday afternoon visits worked best. This allowed our family to spend the entire weekend together before she would experience the feelings of abandonment when being dropped off at day care. For school-age children, it could be a visit scheduled at a time when the foster parent can have some time alone to allow for processing emotions and re-bonding. Or even a trip to the local park or a bounce house could allow older children to physically “vent” their feelings before going back to school and daily routine around others.

2.  Pick up your foster child from the family visit.

Of course, this isn’t always possible; however, it allowed our foster child to be comforted by her foster “mommy” instead of a caseworker she rarely saw.

3.  Transition your foster child directly from the birth parent to the foster parent.

For our situation of having a young toddler with serious attachment issues, going directly from her birth mommy to her other “mommy” seemed to lower her stress levels and helped the visit end on a happy note.

These are some of the techniques that we used to help ease our little foster child from birth family visits back into our foster family routine. This is what worked for our situation and may or may not work for your situation. As you may know, each child and their situation are unique.

What tips do you have to make family visits easier on your foster child?

I’m Clever

Sway