Foster2Forever

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Guest Post: Love You Like Crazy

Today’s guest is Rebecca Hawkes, an adoptive mom that was also adopted…

I knew she was mine — or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I knew I was hers — the moment I saw her profile on the Massachusetts Adoption Research Exchange’s website. My husband and I were in the early stages of our adoption journey, still doing general research, when we “found” our daughter Ashley, who was at that time seven years old. From that moment forward the focus of our adoption process was entirely on this one child. I printed out her profile that day and the next day I called the Department of Children and Families to schedule the inspection of our home. Two weeks later we began the class that is required in our state for all who are interested in adopting through foster care.

I could give you a list of particular things that made us believe that she would be a good match for us and vice versa, but it wasn’t really about any of those specific things. Rather, it was an emotional decision, a connection, a call.

What do you do when you are convinced that you are meant to be someone’s parent, but the rest of the world doesn’t know it yet? How do you walk through the long bureaucratic slog of the foster-to-adopt process, waiting for the system catch up with your heart and without any guarantee that it will?
It isn’t easy, believe me.

The day I first met Ashley in person was one of the most memorable bizarre days of my life. There I was feeling like her mother, all of my mother-bear instincts fully triggered, but she didn’t know it, nor did anyone else. Officially, I was nobody to her — just one of many prospective adoptive parents at a public event attended by foster children with goals of adoption. Our adoption home-study wasn’t even yet approved. But when other adults would come up to her to interact, it took great effort on my part not to place myself between her and them and say, in a not so friendly tone, “Stay away! She’s mine! Can’t you see that?!”

Even then, I knew this was a little nuts. As one part of me was experiencing an irrational possessiveness, another part of me was saying “Whoa there, Rebecca, get a grip.” In fact, I spent a lot of time in those uncertain months before Ashley moved in with us trying to get a grip, trying to talk myself back from the edge to a more logical (and less risky) position.

But eventually, I gave up. I decided that if I was going to do this, I might as well go all out from square one. After all, didn’t this kid deserve to be loved like crazy? Don’t we all? In life, there is always risk; there is risk in loving, and there is risk in holding back. The process of adopting from foster care is not an easy one, and neither, for that matter, is parenting, day to day. It helps to be a bit crazy-in-love right from the start.

Rebecca Hawkes writes about her experiences as both an adoptive mother and a reunited adult adoptee at Love is Not Pie.  She is also a founder of Ashley’s Moms, a fledgling organization focused on helping families create thriving open-adoptions that support all involved, especially the child.

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Our Foster Baby is a Citizen of the United States!

At approximately 2:30 p.m. on Wednesday, July 20th, our 23-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, became a citizen of the United States!!!am flag light crossThat means 2 things:

We were hoping to finalize his adoption before Labor Day; however, our caseworker balks at that. Does anything ever move quickly?

Our next course of action is to get our new citizen a Social Security card so that we can file an amended income tax return to claim him as our dependent…

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Our Foster Home Is Now Under Investigation!!!

If you don’t know already, on the Fourth of July, our 22-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, fell off the sofa and after an afternoon at the hospital, we discovered he had fractured his elbow.

As a licensed foster home, we reported this injury of our foster child, both verbally and by completing an injury report.  We went through the arduous process of getting him medical care from an orthopedic specialist through Medicaid.

The weekend after this unplanned, busy week was one for our family to relax! Sunday after church, we were all lounging around VERY comfortably.

3:00 p.m. – DING! DONG!

Our 4-year-old, JD, runs to door to answer. ‘Wait!” I exclaimed. FosterDad, comfortable in his boxers, tries to hand the baby to me to make his quick exit out of the living room. I’m handing the baby back.  He’s handing the baby back to me again.  Then I had to grunt, “I don’t have a bra on!“ All while JD is answering the door.

The man at the door was wearing a badge: Texas Department of Children Protective Services from Austin.

“Oh, you’re hear to check on our foster baby.”

“Yes, ma’am.  Is there a room where I can set up my laptop for the interview? I will be interviewing each of you separately.”

“Yes, right this way. Here is the spare bedroom.”

The investigator interviewed FosterDad first. A one-hour interrogation interview.

Then it was my turn for the inquisition interview.  “I will need to record this interview. Do you have an issue with that?”

“No, sir.”

For a State agency, the laptop was very high-tech with a recording program, rotating monitor, and a program and stylus to record signatures onto documents.

I won’t go into too many of the questions, but it was very intense with every little detail being questioned.  “Where were you sitting? What were the others doing? Which way were they facing? What were you reading?”

I felt as if early-onset Alzheimer’s had gotten me at the tender-young age of 46!

After my one-hour ordeal. The investigator asked if JD would talk to him. “You can see.” He questioned JD alone for a few minutes before he closed up shop to leave.

5:50 p.m. Not the relaxing weekend we had planned.

The experience was nerve-racking, not because there was anything wrong, but just because of FEAR.

  • FEAR in knowing that children have been removed from families for less than a broken bone.
  • FEAR that there was a very small possibility that our baby could be removed just a few months before adoption.

Now we are simply waiting for the final report. Our caseworker has indicated that there is no issue, but until then we have to put our faith into this verse:

Fear-not-Isaiah-Bible

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5 Tips to Scheduling Foster Care Appointments – Part 2

Last Monday, Tammy from I Must Be Trippin’ shared with us the crazy-busy schedule of foster care appointments as a single working foster mom.   Caseworkers, counselors, therapists, doctors, dentists, family visits, court appearances…  It made my head spin!  How in the world does she do foster care by herself???

5 Tips to Schedule Foster Care Appointments

  • Plan one workday each month to take off – I let all of the “regular” monthly visitors know about 2-3 weeks ahead of time when that will be and they know they will have to come on that day if they want to come during the day. Otherwise, they will have to come after I get off work or on a weekend. I have to say, they are usually pretty quick to jump on scheduling something for the day that I choose when they hear that I’m not taking off work any other day. 🙂
  • Have “regular” monthly visitors do their visits at the same time – It’s definitely easier on me and the kids, and it’s really helpful having the adults involved in the case together in order to be certain that everyone is on the same page. Because there are so many people involved in these cases, lack of communication tends to be a HUGE problem. Getting several of the key players together at one time has been very helpful for all of us.
  • Schedule outside appointments on my one day off a month – (ex. dentist, physicals, etc.)  It’s usually an insanely busy day, but if I can get the majority of the month’s appointments done in one day, it leaves the rest of the month for the kids just to be kids.
  • Request any therapy sessions, monthly visits, etc. be done at the children’s schools or daycares – I found out nine months into a placement that the caseworker didn’t have to come to the house every month. She mentioned offhandedly that she could occasionally see the baby at his daycare and do my interview over the phone. I also found out that there are some therapists who will travel to the children’s schools for their weekly sessions. No one had ever mentioned these things to me, so now I always ask.
  • Have a super-cool, mega-sized day planner – I like this goal-planning weekly/monthly schedule planner that never leaves my side when I have a placement. I use it to keep track of everyone’s schedules as well as to jot down notes about visitations, milestones, behavioral problems, giving medications, etc. It comes in incredibly handy when I complete my monthly progress reports and med logs for the kids. Keeping it with me has also helped when I get the inevitable phone calls asking, “When did so-and-so last go to the dentist?” or “How many visits have the kids had with their parents now?” It’s a great way to keep track of schedules as well as doubles as a diary of sorts. Believe me, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go back and reference notes and other pertinent information in mine. Having everything in one location is a huge help when it comes to the paperwork. I’ve also been told that it makes me “the best foster parent ever” by my agency and a few caseworkers. (Note to you caseworkers out there… It never hurts to butter up your foster parents by telling them how awesome they are. 🙂

I hope I haven’t scared away any potential foster parents with this rundown of the madness that is life in foster care. I always think that it helps to know what you’re getting into. I know it would have helped me that first day when I was trying to comfort a baby in a body cast while being bombarded by phone calls from people wanting to know when it was a “convenient” time for them come to my house.

Just remember that you don’t always have to jump to do their bidding. You are the one parenting these kids who need someone to stand up for them. A caseworker wants to schedule a home visit the afternoon after your baby gets his 6-month shots? You can say “no.” I didn’t realize that when I first started out. I have learned, and now I pass on my wisdom to you, Young Jedi… 😉

Feel free to follow my foster/adopt journey at “I Must Be Trippin’,” and join us every other week for “Foster Friday” when our panel of foster/adopt moms and family members discuss various topics related to this crazy and wonderful world we have chosen to live in known as Foster/Adopt Land.

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Our Foster Baby Broke His Arm!!!

foster-child-injury

Foster child playing with a cast

If you follow Foster2Forever on Facebook or Twitter, you know that our Independence Day began with our 22-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, falling off the sofa.

It was a short fall. A freak accident. However, when he stood up, Lil Bit was holding his right wrist.  FosterDad is a former P.E. teacher and knew something wasn’t right by the way he was holding it.

We were visiting family in East Texas, so we took a trip to the local hospital emergency room.  The x-ray confirmed our fear.  Our baby boy had a fractured elbow.  It was not his wrist, as we first suspected.

However, due to the location of the fracture, the E.R. physician was concerned about it affecting Lil Bit’s arm movement.  She requested that we take Lil Bit to an orthopedic specialist in the next few days. Her concern was that he might have to undergo surgery and physical therapy to prevent problems with mobility.

We arrived home late Monday night and Tuesday morning began all the follow-up to:

  • Report the incident to our foster home case worker, Lil Bit’s caseworker, and a quick FYI to our attorney;
  • Complete a report for “Serious Injury of a Foster Child” to turn into both caseworkers;
  • Call the Medicaid insurance provider (StarHealth) to get a list of orthopedic specialists;
  • Call the list of specialists and learn than none take Medicaid;
  • Make an appointment for out-of-town orthopedic specialist;
  • Visit Primary Care Physician for a referral to the orthopedic specialist;
  • Visit orthopedic specialist!!!

The visit to the orthopedic doctor went better than expected! Another x-ray showed that the bone is healing well and surgery will not be necessary.  A hard cast was put on Lil Bit’s arm, and he returns in 3 weeks to see how it is healing.

For Lil Bit, the broken arm has been more of a nuisance to him than anything. He gets frustrated that now he can’t climb on the couch or sleep tucked on his tummy.  He is eating well with his left hand.  He now has to drink out of a sippy cup with handles.

However, for us, as foster parents, we are not out of the woods. As we are in the final stages of Lil Bit’s adoption, the State is now conducting their followup investigation into the injury.

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The Never-Ending Foster Care Appointments – Part One

If you follow Foster2Forever on Facebook and/or Twitter, you know that our 22-month-old foster boy, Lil Bit, broke his arm last week.  We have been engrossed in all the follow-up appointments and investigations that come with a serious injury, such as a broken bone.  So today, I am thrilled that we have Tammy of “I Must Be Trippin‘”  guest posting about the crazy schedule of appointments in foster care, while we attend to Lil Bit’s needs…

You Want Him to Go to the Dentist? He Has No Teeth!!!

When I entered the crazy world of Foster/Adopt Land as a single, full-time working foster mom nearly three years ago, I was blissfully unaware of what I was getting myself into. I think the foster care trainers deliberately lull you into a false sense of security during the initially training classes. They scare the poo out of you when it comes to potential behaviors of your soon-to-be children, but sort of fail to mention the extent to which your life will be completely taken over by foster care-related appointments.

I remember the trainers telling us that children in foster care are required to see a doctor within two weeks of placement and a dentist within 60 days. “No problem! I can handle that,” I thought. Have you ever tried to find a pediatrician who would actually accept new Medicaid patients and get them in for their initial appointment within 14 days?!? Good luck with that! Six placements later, and I have yet to meet that 2-week deadline. And have you ever taken a 7-month-old with a grand total of two teeth to the dentist? I have!!! The man looked at me as if I had sprouted a third eyeball from my chin.

I went into my first placement expecting to do those couple of initial medical appointments and for my agency worker to “come out to the house periodically.”

I remember the first time I wrote about all of the appointments that were taking over our lives and how I desperately needed advice on what I could do to make it better. At the time, I had a baby boy and his 16-year-old mom. Their case was a little extreme in terms of the number of regular appointments and random people requesting access to our home, but it definitely gave me a good idea of how insane Foster/Adopt Land can be. On any given day, we had AT LEAST two CPS-related appointments (ex. therapy, medication monitoring, visitations, parenting classes, training classes, home visits with caseworkers, CASAs for each child, attorneys, court dates, etc.).

We tried to cram in all of the mandatory doctor and dental visits as well as our routine visits that we would have regardless of CPS on the two days a week that we didn’t have standing appointments. My 13-month-old had his own dayplanner for crying out loud!!! And it was full!!! I remember my teenage daughter’s caseworker actually having the nerve to ask us what kinds of extracurricular activities she was involved in. “Extracurricular activities?!?!? Well, let’s see… She has therapy every Monday. Visitation with her parents every Tuesday. Parenting classes every Wednesday… You’re here today… Extracurricular activities??? ”

Just to give your poor, unsuspecting, potential and first-time foster parents an idea of what you might be dealing with, let me frighten you with:

In the two and half years that I’ve been fostering, I have had monthly home visits from:

* My agency’s Family Specialist
* The children’s Caseworkers
* Each child’s CASA

Also requesting occassional access inside my home have been:

* My agency’s Director
* The children’s attorneys
* A CPS Investigator (investigating a prior foster home of one of the kids)
* State Licensing Staff
* ECI workers
* Psychiatrist
* Counselor
* Physical therapist
* Multiple Case Aids providing transportation
* Fire Department for the annual inspection (Although I don’t really mind that one so much. 😉

Outside appointments have included:

*Regular physicals and well-baby checks
*Therapy sessions
*Medication monitoring for children on psychotropic meds
*Dental visits (every 6 months beginning at 7-months-old)
*Annual eye exams
*Annual TB testing for children over the age of 12-months-old and myself
*WIC appointments
*Visitations with birth parents and occassional other family members
*Court dates
*Parenting classes for my teen mom
*Other classes for teens aging out of care
*School-related appointments
*Agency meetings discussing my children’s cases
*And of course, 50 hours worth of annual continuing foster parent training for me (because I clearly have nothing else to do).

Have I mentioned that I am a SINGLE, full-time working foster mom?

“What have you done to make things easier for yourself and your kids,” you might ask?

Come back next Monday, as I detail the ways I’ve managed this crazy schedule of foster care appointments.

Feel free to follow my foster/adopt journey at “I Must Be Trippin’,” and join us every other week for “Foster Friday” when our panel of foster/adopt moms and family members discuss various topics related to this crazy and wonderful world we have chosen to live in known as Foster/Adopt Land.

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Guest Post: These Children Are Our Responsibility

I was recently asked, “If you could give someone considering foster care adoption one piece of advice, what would it be? “  Excellent question!  Today in America there are 115,000 children in foster care waiting to be adopted, and yet there are also many challenges that anyone jumping into the child welfare system faces — unresponsive agencies, paperwork, system delays, and lack of post-adoption resources, to name just a few.  At the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, too often we hear the frustration with what can appear to be a system that simply does not work to the advantage of parents stepping forward to adopt or the children waiting in care.

foster-care-system

But we cannot give up. When children in foster care are permanently removed from their families of birth, we make what should be an unbreakable promise to them: we will find a family.  And we will do it in a way that cherishes their childhood and their developmental needs so that they can grow and thrive within the birthright of every child – a safe and secure family of their own.

Take a moment and think about a time when, as a child, you were alone, or afraid or distraught because one of your favorite comfort items was missing or a parent was gone and you felt lost.  Children in foster care waiting to be adopted experience and feel that loss in a much more profound way each and every day.  Contemplating the challenges of foster care adoption is made a bit easier when we see the act of adoption, of forming a family, through the eyes of a waiting child.

Dave Thomas, our founder and an adopted child, constantly reminded us that “these children are not someone else’s responsibility, they are our responsibility.”

So my one piece of advice to potential adoptive parents?  Take on the responsibility and, no matter where you are in this process, commit to elevating these children by raising your voice on their behalf.

If you are experiencing unreturned calls, go up the chain and ask to speak with department managers, supervisors or directors.

If the paperwork and delays seem overwhelming, reach out to a supportive network of others who have fostered or adopted and troubleshoot the issues.

If there is process that you experience that needs to be fixed, share your concerns and suggestions for change with the leaders, from agency administrators to legislators, who create policy for children in care.  Contact the local media, write a letter to the editor of your newspaper, or create a network of advocates for change.

And if you are ready to consider foster care adoption, reach out to the Wendy’s Wonderful Kids adoption professional in your community who will work with you to find a child.  Wendy’s Wonderful Kids is a signature program of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption that is now in all 50 states, D.C. and four provinces in Canada and provides dedicated foster care adoption workers to focus on the children waiting for families and the parents who step forward to adopt.  More than 2,300 adoptions have been finalized through this program.

Together we can all take responsibility for the 115,000 children waiting to be adopted and stop the injustice of the nearly 30,000 each year who turn age 18 and leave foster care without a family of their own.  Call us at 1-800-ASK-DTFA or email us at info@davethomafoundation.org and let’s work together for the children who need us most.

Dave-Thomas-Foundation-Adoption-Foster-Careby Rita L. Soronen, President & CEO of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption:  The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption is a national nonprofit public charity dedicated exclusively to finding permanent homes for the more than 145,000 children waiting in North America’s foster care systems. Created by Wendy’s® founder Dave Thomas who was adopted, the Foundation implements results-driven national service programs, foster care adoption awareness campaigns and advocacy initiatives. To learn more, visit davethomasfoundation.org or call 1-800-ASK-DTFA.

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Singing The Star-Spangled Banner

Today is Independence Day or more commonly referred to as the 4th of July. Today, we Americans celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence from England on July 4, 1776.

On this day of patriotism, we show our pride in our country, wearing red, white and blue, waving our U.S. flag, and singing our national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner.”star-spangled-banner-national-anthem


I cannot for the life of me carry a tune in a bucket and “The Star-Spangled Banner” is impossible for me to sing without making myself and those around me cringe. Because the song varies by an octave and a half, many struggle to sing it, and I have even heard talk of changing our national anthem to a song that’s easier to sing.

But “The Star-Spangled Banner” isn’t just a song to sing at the beginning of a big game. “The Star-Spangled Banner” represents our struggle for freedom.

Our national anthem was written by Francis Scott Key during the War of 1812 against the British.  He wrote the poem “The Defence of Fort McHenry” after the victory defending Baltimore from British invasion.

Just 30 years before, Americans had struggled and fought Britain for independence, and were now fighting Britain again! America’s freedom and independence were at stake!

Americans were euphoric over winning a “second war of independence from England.”  Patriotism and pride were at an all-time high.

The poem became immediately popular and was sung as a patriotic celebration.  The song later became titled “The Star-Spangled Banner” and was sung throughout the United States to celebrate our victory over British rule.

Our national anthem is significant in that it represents our struggle for freedom.

As I struggle to hit those high notes of the rockets red glare, I swell with pride and am overcome with emotion for all those that have fought for my freedom.

Tonight as you celebrate Independence Day, remember that the United States won freedom once, but has defended it numerous times.
Foster2Forever

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Adoption Postponed. Yet Again!!!

Can you believe that there was yet another mistake in the court termination order that will delay our adoption of our foster baby, Lil Bit???

Apparently, Lil Bit’s full name listed on his Mexican birth certificate has FOUR names instead of the usual first, middle, last. This means that the court order to officially transfer his case to the State agency’s Adoption Division has to be re-done and sent back to the judge to sign AGAIN!

However, there is good news! The INS received Lil Bit’s application for certification of citizenship. Lil Bit will be certified as a citizen of the United States by the end of July!!! Do you think he can learn the Pledge of Allegiance by then? 🙂

On the other hand, there is some not-as-bad news associated with his application. A few months ago, I created a passport-type head shot of Lil Bit for his INS application for his certification of citizenship. I found a really, cute head-and-shoulders pose of him (without a shirt on) sitting in our yard.  I cropped the photo to the correct dimensions and printed.

The staff LOVED the photo – with those chubby cheeks, thick dark hair, and sweet smile, they called him a “total cherub.”

But, guess what? He is sitting in the grass. Not against a white background that is the INS requirement for application photographs.  Ug!

So, with the magic of Photoshop, I will crop Lil Bit from the photo and place him against a white background.  My project for this weekend.

With everything going on with Lil Bit’s case, we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

We are on target to adopt our foster child before Labor Day!!!

I’m Clever

Sway