Foster2Forever

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When Horrible News Hits Too Close to Home

Yesterday morning when I awoke, I went into our living room and saw my husband in his recliner, just sitting there…quiet.  The television was on, but paused. His look concerned me.

“Honey, what’s going on?”

“I want you to see this story.”

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

I recognized the last name.  My husband grew up with this man, and was close to his brother growing up, spending many weekends together in their youth.

My husband is devastated at this shocking news and really just can’t believe that his friend would do this.  His heart aches for Frank’s elderly parents.

This kind of news must break a parent’s heart.

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Do You Have Baby Pictures of Your Kids?

This is the earliest photo that I have of our JD – taken when he was nearly 5 months old. I found this photocopied picture buried deep in his case file.

Doesn’t he just look sad?

After he was in our home for a month, we took JD with us to Sears Portrait Studio (now closed) to have some quick family portraits made.

So, this is the baby picture of our JD that we cherish.

Fortunately, our JD was young enough to capture the essence of his babyhood; however, this is a stark contrast to what most foster parents have to document their child’s early life.

What photos do you have of your foster children’s early life?

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My Foster Home Is Closed. Now What?

CLOSED

photo courtesy Ben Husmann

So much paperwork! All the regulations and policies for a licensed foster home can be overwhelming at times.

What happens if you can’t seem to get organized? {see my Pinterest board}

What happens if a caseworker decides to close your foster home?

Texas has an appeal process in place where a panel of other foster parents (your “peers”) can review the case.  My husband and I served on that panel recently for our Region. The panel reviews the 5-inch binder case file, interviews the foster parents, and then makes a recommendation that either agrees or disagrees with the State’s decision.

We were unaware of this process, which is rarely used. (This appeal process does not involve cases of foster home abuse or neglect – that is a court matter.)

7741 Peer Review Appeal Process for DFPS Verified Foster Parents

The purpose of a peer review appeal process is to review and make recommendations concerning decisions and actions taken on DFPS verified foster parents. This appeal procedure utilizes the expertise of our foster parents to review adverse actions and help DFPS staff evaluate if appropriate action was taken. These guidelines must be written and given to all DFPS verified foster parents.

Each region will establish a review team that will review and evaluate certain decisions and actions taken with DFPS verified foster parents. The review team makeup will include foster parents.

Each region shall decide when this review team will convene.  The review team will meet on a regular basis or as needed.

Each region that takes adverse action on DFPS verified foster parents that results in home closure must allow these families access to the peer review appeal process. Regions will also use this process when requested in reviewing the following circumstances:

•  removal of children from the foster home for reasons other than allegations of abuse and neglect or court ordered removals;

•  lowering capacity of placements;

•  foster parents placed on corrective action; and

•  staff conflicts with foster parents.

Foster parents that use the peer review appeal process must sign a release of information statement before any information is shared with their peers.

The complete foster home case record, including information in CAPS, will be available at the peer review appeal hearing. If pertinent or requested by the foster parent, each member of the review team will receive copies of the following information:

•  quarterly narratives over the last year (or more if pertinent);

•  all serious incident reports;

•  all developmental and corrective action plans;

•  commendations and any special recognition;

•  home study; and

•  the narratives that are not included in the quarterly narrative over the last year (or more if pertinent).

Once the peer review appeal team makes a recommendation to the CPS program administrator who will make the final decision and notify the foster parent and the peer review appeal team in writing.

Does your State have an appeal process for licensed foster homes that involves a “peer review”?

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Why Back to School Frightens Me

It’s time for BACK TO SCHOOL!!!  And I am anxious – more than a child, I believe. You see, our strong-willed RADish begins Kindergarten soon.

Back to School time is probably not a big deal to most moms – except that sadness to see your little baby walking into big school for the first time.

But this year, for me, Back to School time brings on anxiety and worry about how my little boy (with emotional needs that are tough to understand) is going to handle the pressures of school.

He was kicked out of three day cares for behavior issues. (Yes – Three!!!)  Last year, when he was kicked out of the third day care, we enrolled him in half-day Pre-K while FosterDad and I took turns using FMLA to care for him.

School for only half the day was a good thing for him. He still had a few bad days, but for the most part, a good transition for him. When asked how was school that day, he would reply:

“No time out. No trip to the principal’s office. It was a Good Day!“

However, our child is enrolled in full-day Kindergarten for this upcoming school year.

Lately, especially after having 3 foster children in our home for a few weeks, he has been regressing. Last weekend, for FosterDad’s birthday, we attempted overnight respite. He raged for HOURS after I left him with the caregiver. (He won’t be going back there!)

Is our child ready for BACK TO SCHOOL?

I don’t know! But our backup plan is that if our child isn’t ready for full-day Kindergarten — he can just repeat Pre-K!

Pros:

  • He just turned 5 so a late birthday won’t matter much – He is currently at the 5th percentile for height & hopefully wouldn’t be the smallest in the class
  • He knows the teachers and the teachers know him
  • FosterDad is now retired so he can care for our son half the day

Cons:

  • He is bright so repeating will bore him –
  • With a late birthday for a small boy obsessed with sports, we want hold him back one year but hoping it would be Kindergarten where he would have a stronger curriculum.

We are praying that our child adjusts well this school year.

What are your fears or anxieties about Back to School?

UPDATE: My son had a fabulous year with only one incidence of misbehavior!!!

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Healing from the Grief of a Failed Adoption

Today we have special guest, Annette from Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea sharing her touching story with you…
My story is different than many, in that my husband and I did not decide to Foster but rather we were asked by a teenage mother to adopt her baby that she was unable to care for. We were told that her biological father had nothing to do with her, and her mother told us that she just could not handle being a mother.  “Sweet Pea” was turned over to Department of Social Services (DSS) one weekend and placed in a temporary Foster Home. When her mother met with Attorneys the following Monday. she named us as Guardianship Caregivers (and future adoptive parents). After meeting with DSS and having a home inspection, we signed up for fostering classes and brought Sweet Pea home with us.
The goal of DSS is reunification and we always knew that. but the biological mother (who called me often) was adamant that the father was going to sign the adoption papers. He didn’t! He decided he wanted custody of Sweet Pea and visitations were given. I always dressed her up and sent notes to him about what she was doing that was new (like when she rolled over for the first time).  Eventually full custody was given to Sweet Pea’s father, with a few stipulations, such as taking parenting classes.
We bonded with Sweet Pea, and I had convinced myself she would be ours and her Daddy would not fulfill his part, but he did. After three months, we were told that we had to hand her over to her daddy. I wrote about that day here on my blog.
Losing our foster baby was the hardest thing that I have ever done! It hurt and I’ve cried a river of tears over the past year but I would not change a thing. That baby girl needed a mother figure to care for her and give her stability. I gave her that. She was loved by my three daughters and my husband. We were given the opportunity to talk with her Daddy and give him some advice that parents often give since he didn’t have that kind of family support. As difficult as it was, I can now look back and see that we were there for Sweet Pea and we were there for her mother and her father. We showed them the love of Christ at a difficult time.
Fostering is a blessing for all involved. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but who could walk away from a child in need. The loss of that baby girl was like a death to me, and the healing took a long time. It’s been a year now, and I can finally smile when I see her pictures instead of cry.  Healing takes time but it happens, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of that family’s life during a difficult time.

Has your heart been broken by a failed adoption?

Annette Smith is the wife of a cop and a mother to four children (ages 11,16,18,20) and chickens. She has been married for 23 years. She’s addicted to blogging about her live in the South at Fried Green Tomatoes and Sweet Tea.

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My Chick-Fil-A Controversy for Having Too Many Kids

chick-fil-a-anti-gay-controversy-childrenI’m so sick of this Chick-Fil-A controversy! What happened to the right to free speech? ENOUGH already!

However, I recently had my own Chick-Fil-A  controversy.  As you know, I’m still adjusting to the dynamics and logistics of large family living and herding 5 children.

Last Saturday, after a quick visit with cousins out-of-town, I took all the kids to a Metroplex Chick-Fil-A before loading them back into the GMC Yukon for the ride home. My plan: play hard, then sleep hard on the ride home.

Five kids into a restaurant by myself? What the heck was I thinking? I’m no freaking SuperMom, for Pete’s sake!!!

kids-at-chick-fil-a-controversy

That being said, I thought I did fairly well ordering our meals, keeping Cupcake and Twinkie with me while the boys rushed off to play. I quickly found a table adjacent to the playroom, and set up camp. Sometime, in the midst of feeding the preschoolers and 10-month-old Cupcake, 4-year-old Donut announced that he needed to go to the bathroom. I mumbled “in a minute” as I was wondering how in the world I was going to manage taking this brood to the bathroom.

I looked up and saw that he had already darted across the restaurant and was going into the mens room. Well, “not a whole lot I can do now that he’s already made a run for it” was the thought that crossed my mind. So I watched the mens room door, and in hindsight, should have sent Stinkpot after him.

A couple minutes later, a man who had been sitting near the bathroom approached me. “Is that your little boy in the restroom? He’s needing help.”

I scooped up Cupcake, and went and opened the mens room door. Donut was in the stall with his pants at his ankles exasperated that he couldn’t find the toilet paper.  He obviously didn’t realize the large contraption in the stall is, in fact, toilet paper. I coached him through wiping, flushing, washing and drying his hands with the mens room door open while watching the other kids eat.

As Donut ran back to the table, the man spoke to me:

“I’m not one to tell other people how to parent, but you should never have your children any more than an arms length away from you at all times. You should be able to grab your kid in an instant.“

Dumbfounded, I replied, “Yeah,” and turned to go back to my table.

My response only irritated this man.

“Listen! I work in a penitentiary and there are some bad people out there! Bad people! That could do horrible things to your kids.“

Downtrodden by this single man’s judgment of me, my only reply was “I know” and I walked back to my table.

I knew he was right. I now have a large family for the time being, and I should have had a plan before I attempted to step foot into a restaurant with 5 little ones.

I also wish my reply would have been more like:

“I know all about bad people. Two of the kids’ dads are in prison and the other would be if he hadn’t be deported. If more people like you who know so much about parenting would open their homes to foster children, then I wouldn’t have 5 children in mine!“

How do you manage handling numerous children in public? What would have been your response to the single man?

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Shazam! We Have a Large Family! Now What?

having-large-family-life-blog
In an instant, with just one phone call, as is true foster family form,we went from a family of 4 to a family of 7!

In addition to our rambunctious 5-year-old RADish, Stinkpot, and our sweet 3-year-old, Lil Bit, we now have 3 additional little ones:

  • Finicky 4-year-old, Donut;
  • Energetic, sensory-seeking 21-month-old, Twinkie;
  • Precious 10-month-old, Cupcake.

Adding 3 children may not seem like much to Michelle Duggar, but to us, overwhelming! Especially, given we now have 5 kids age 5 and under!!!

Last week, I asked Facebook fans for tips to help us transition to large family life. Your tips are wonderful and I love all you had to say!

20 Tips for Large Family Life

  1. Work together better with your spouse as a team to get things done.
  2. Be very organized! Organization will save your life. If it doesn’t come naturally, find someone to help you get it going.
  3. Make lots of lists!
  4. Use a calendar  – Check out these tips to manage numerous foster care appointments
  5. Stick to a schedule! It makes life better for everyone. Having a routine everyday helps calm the kids and you too!
  6. Plan meals in advance.  (Ramon noodles make a great, quick and cheap lunch that feeds everyone.)
  7. Serving meals buffet-style if the kids are old enough to manage can be helpful.
  8. Shop in bulk.
  9. Lay out clothes the night before.
  10. Establish a bedtime routine, such as a warm deep bath before bedtime, turn off television, dim all lights and play soft music.
  11. Assigning chores to everyone and making it fun is a good idea–“lets see who can pick up the most toys in 5 minutes…GO!” Chores will make children more appreciate and learn to be productive adults.
  12. Do at least one load of laundry every day! One large family I know had a designated day for each child to do their own laundry – helps build personal responsibility.
  13. Count. Heads. Often!
  14. Make sure that the “well-behaved” kid doesn’t get ignored! We have had some that needed so much attention that we didn’t make as much time for the child who was self-sufficient, quiet and well-behaved.
  15. Watch Karyn Purvis videos often….”they help MORE THAN I CAN SAY. BUY THEM!”
  16. Be realistic with your expectations of the children and yourself.
  17. TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF!!! Even a brisk 15 minute walk is great to relieve stress. Check out this fabulous e-book on self-care for foster and adoptive families.
  18. Use Respite Care and take time away to recharge! Use sitters and friends. And if anyone offers help, take them up on it!
  19. Pray. Stop to make yourself have a moment in prayer also helps.
  20. Be okay with just getting through some days! That is, you say that in the beginning of going from zero kids, to one, to three – all in 6 weeks – Don’t feel guilty if a day isn’t full of educational, engaging, planned out loveliness. Sometimes things go sideways, plans don’t work out, babies are too tired/grumpy (and maybe mommas too…) – and that’s okay! Be forgiving of yourself. 🙂

 

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I Followed my Heart, Not My Mind – Our New Placements

Our family grew to 5 children Thursday night.

Here is the lineup: almost 1 year, nearly 2 years, 3 years, 4 years and 5 years old.  5 children ages 5 and under.

“Are you insane???”

That’s the very first thing everyone has said to us.

Our reply: “There is a HUGE shortage of foster homes in our area willing to take in preschoolers. Christian families NEED to step up for the children in our community.”

Hopefully, some seeds have been planted for future foster families.quote-follow-your-heart



I have had a fantasy of having a large family. Now I’m seeing the reality of the chaos it brings.  We are adjusting, making new tighter schedules, etc.

Our first few nights, bedtime was HELL-O!  Two parents putting 5 children to bed in 3 different bedrooms DID NOT WORK. at. all.

The 2 older foster children are taking forever to get to sleep. One child (Firecracker) appears to have very serious sensory issues so bedtime is horrific for her. Adding heavy blankets, pillows and even a massage “tickle” mat didn’t seem to help her from having a meltdown in bed.

On Friday night, it was midnight before all were sleeping soundly and not roaming the house.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany…what if we didn’t worry about them having naps? And added a very physical activity like swimming or the bounce house?

Our current family -Baby Cupcake not shown

Although, there were still a couple of fatigue-related meltdowns, they were very short….so last night…SUCCESS!!!

Now if we can just keep the parents from having any fatigue-related meltdowns???

How about you??? What has been your biggest adjustments in adding foster children to your family overnight?

“So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued for doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up or quit.” ~Galatians 6:9 (The Message)

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A Stressed Out Child

This week has been quite stressful on our family. Last Sunday, we had an emergency room scare with our 2-year-old, Lil Bit. Then Wednesday, FosterDad had surgery on his jaw.  Not only has FosterDad been out of sorts, but Stinkpot has been more than his usual handful!

child-stress-tantrumHis play therapist noticed his elevated behavior Friday.

Then Sunday, the Children’s Minister took me aside to discuss Stinkpot’s disruptive behavior.  I really didn’t know what to say.

And I really don’t know what more to do…

Please pray for Stinkpot and our family!

  • Stinkpot’s sense of security;
  • FosterDad’s healing and recovery;
  • My sibling in a pending divorce involving an unborn child;
  • LilBit’s baby brother recovering from surgery;
  • Aurora shooting victims and their families.

Big hugs to each of you!

I’m Clever

Sway