Foster2Forever

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My Struggle with Parenting a Difficult Child

Last month, I discovered attachment parenting.  I wrote about the benefits of babywearing for attachment, which is especially beneficial for our neglected and traumatized children.  After my research, I felt like I missed the boat with my Stinkpot, brought to us at 8-months-old and severely neglected. I regret not “wearing” him or taking leave from work, as I am doing now.  (Other aspects of attachment parenting, such as breastfeeding and co-sleeping, aren’t viable options for foster parents.)

However, this week, Time Magazine highlighted the extreme of attachment parenting with a controversial cover photo showing a mother breastfeeding her large 3-year-old son as they both glared at the camera defiantly.

I have to agree with adoption advocate, Kristen of Rage Against the Minivan, when she wrote about Mommy Wars and the Motherless Child:

I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one. I don’t really care if you turned your infant car-seat forward-facing prior to age 2, or if you homeschool, or if you send your kids to daycare while you go to work. Do you cosleep? Did you circumcise your son? I DON’T CARE.  Do you babywear? Push your kid around in a stroller? Use a leash for your kid at Disneyland?  Whatever.  Good for you.

As long as it isn’t abusive or neglectful, how someone chooses to parent their child is really none of my business.  To each his own!

However, after watching this interview on the Today Show, I began to think about our future generation, and my own struggles to parent a difficult child. Is attachment parenting really that great for our kids?

Did you notice in the interview that the mom stopped during the nationally-televised live broadcast to address her son’s whining?  Whoa!  Is that how we should parent our children? Stopping our world to deal with our children’s demands whenever they wish?

I struggle with parenting a difficult, demanding 4-year-old child. He interrupts and throws fits.  He demands that I watch him play and even go to the potty. I want him to overcome his issues with abandonment through attachment, yet I do want my child to become a self-reliant adult.

My biggest problem with the concept of attachment parenting (excluding the babywearing which I regret not doing) is that a child may learn that the world revolves around him.  And this is difficult for me since my little one didn’t have his very basic needs met as an infant.  My poor baby would cry out to the world in pain from a wet diaper that would hurt his bottom covered with sores from a diaper rash – and nobody came to comfort or change him. (My heart aches as I write this.)

I want my Stinkpot to know that he will get his needs met. He will have something to eat when he is hungry, but he has to learn that it won’t be cheesy chips or honey buns. Throwing a fit won’t change that.

As parents, we have to teach our children to soothe themselves and delay their immediate gratification if they are going to become self-sufficient adults.  Lessons such as learning to not spend money as soon as they get it and save for a car, etc.  Due to his ADHD, my Stinkpot struggles with impulsiveness.  I want to teach him about delaying his immediate gratification for something bigger. And it’s a tough lesson to teach to any child, much less one with a disability.

As my Stinkpot begins school, he is learning that he has to be a part of a class which more than himself.  A tough lesson for him.

Parenting is tough. And there is no one right way to do it. As parents, we have to just do the best we can and learn as we go along.  That’s why it’s called the journey of motherhood.

How do you balance all the different parenting advice to find your own unique style that fits your family?

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Giving Up the Idea of Ideal

Before being licensed as foster parents, my husband and I were required to complete a training course called Group Preparation and Selection, or GPS. Every Monday night, for 10 weeks, we joined with other prospective foster/adopt parents to learn how the system works, what to expect as foster parents, and how to deal with children who have experienced loss and trauma. The classes were very beneficial and we learned a lot but in foster parenting, like in any other type of parenting, you have to be adaptable.

For instance, in GPS classes we learned that to ease the transition of a move it’s best to have several visits with a child before they move into your home. However, our reality is that 2 of our 3 children that we foster adopted moved in with us on the day they met us. Obviously this is not ideal, but the children were emergency removals. Fortunately, bonding took place very quickly and both children have adjusted very well to our home.

Another thing you learn in your training is that ideally you should build a relationship with your child’s previous foster family, as this builds trust between you and the child and eases their transition into your home. We tried this with both of our daughters’ previous foster families, but were unable to do so with our son’s because of the abuse he suffered from his foster mother. With one daughter, the foster parents didn’t care to maintain contact. We made several efforts to keep them in our daughter’s life yet they made it clear that they just weren’t interested. After only a couple of visits they were done with her whether we liked it or not. With our other daughter we tried to establish a relationship with her foster family, but the former foster mom was so bitter about not being allowed to adopt the child herself (She made some poor decisions that caused her home to be closed as a foster home.) that her self-destructive behavior made subsequent visits out of the question.

However the most surprising difference between what we were taught in GPS training and reality actually is ideal. In the classes you learn about how abuse, neglect, and loss affect children in foster care. You are taught about the stages of grief, creative discipline strategies, and attachment disorders. We were sure that the children placed with us would come with some major emotional baggage. Our first daughter had absolutely no behavioral or emotional issues whatsoever. She was the perfect 3 year old. So perfect in fact that our social workers were quick to warn us not to expect any other foster children to be that way. Our second daughter, easily our most difficult child, has ADHD and was buckwild when we got her. After only a small amount of time in our home we could see a huge improvement and she gets better every day. We are her 8th home, yet she is no more damaged than most other children her age. She is amazingly resilient. Our youngest son has only been with us since last June and already it’s like he’s been with us forever. He’s never had any unusual behavioral problems. He has ADHD and requires a little extra help with his school work, just like many kids who have never been in foster care.

For those of you considering foster care, learn all you can in your classes. Most of it is very valuable information that you will need and use. Just don’t forget that no situation is ideal and that’s ok. All of my children have been ideal, even if their situations didn’t start out that way.

transracial-foster-care-adoptionBecky Johnson is a happy wife and proud mommy of four, both by birth and foster care adoption. Because two of her adoptions have been transracial, her family often gets mistaken for a daycare or church group when out in public. Life in the Johnson home is fun, chaotic, and definitely blessed. Read more about Becky’s family at http://averyblessedmommy.blogspot.com

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Why Does My Child Act Like This? Could It Be RAD?

We began our foster care journey in the early 80s, and in 1985, we adopted a six-month-old baby girl from foster care, with known exposure to alcohol in utero. She smiled from the moment I saw her. She liked almost everyone at first meeting, and brought them books to read and toys to play with. She climbed into every willing lap she saw. She wasn’t much on cuddling, but as my mother said, “some kids are, some kids aren’t”. Although I didn’t know it then, I had just adopted my first child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder).

rad-signs-in-children

Types of Attachment

Attachment between a mother and her child is the bond formed between them, and the foundation of all future development. The ideal bond is a Secure Attachment.

An Insecure Attachment occurs when something interferes with the bonding between the mother and child, such as in utero alcohol or drug use, physical abuse, or extreme stress experienced by the mother. Early neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, prolonged separation, major illness, or multiple changes in caregivers in a child’s early years can also interfere with a healthy attachment.

Attachment disorders come in degrees of severity, with the most severe being Reactive Attachment Disorder. Very few children, even those with RAD, have all of the following symptoms. Since a number of the major psychiatric disorders have overlapping symptoms, you should take any child you are concerned about for a full evaluation by a competent psychiatrist.

Overlapping Behavioral Characteristics – Click on the image to see full chart

 Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder

• Superficially engaging & charming • Lack of eye contact on parents terms • Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers • Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly) • Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone) • Cruelty to animals • Lying about the obvious (crazy lying) • Stealing • No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive) • Learning Lags • Lack of cause and effect thinking • Lack of conscience • Abnormal eating patterns • Poor peer relationships • Preoccupation with fire • Preoccupation with blood & gore • Persistent nonsense questions & chatter • Inappropriately demanding & clingy • Abnormal speech patterns • Triangulation of adults • False allegations of abuse • Presumptive entitlement issues

Treatment of RAD

Children with attachment disorders who do not receive appropriate interventions frequently develop personality disorders as adults. RAD is the most severe attachment disorder and has the poorest outcome, especially if left untreated.

The younger the child, the less symptoms you are likely to see. We adopted a 4 ¾ year old in August 2010, from a disruption. She is now 6 ½ and diagnosed with RAD. The only two symptoms she doesn’t currently display are preoccupation with fire and preoccupation with blood and gore.

She attends a day treatment program held in one of the local elementary schools. She has therapy three times a week, sees the psychiatrist every two weeks. We recently were approved for waiver services, which gives us 24/7 crisis support, skill-building programs, and respite care.

We encourage eye contact with chocolate, incorporate as much good touch into play as possible, and refuse to allow her to sabotage the big family holidays with her behavior. We are even taking her on a cruise this summer with us, although a friend who is trained in providing respite is coming with us. We are currently looking for an attachment therapist, preferably trained by Dan Hughes in Attachment-Focused Family Therapy.

A child with RAD needs intensive support to heal. We have recently began implementing the “Parenting in SPACE” through Safety, Support, Supervision, Structure, Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. We feel that this paradigm gives us the best chance to help our RAD daughter heal. Providing safety, support, supervision, and structure are mandatory. Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy are the things that differentiate a family from an institution.

Raising a child with RAD isn’t easy; however, as we see progress in our daughter, we find the rewards.
You can read more about attachment parenting in these books:
Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children ,
When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with RAD,
The Connected Child : Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, or
Easy to Love but Hard to Raise: Real Parents, Challenging Kids, True Stories.

GBsMom is 55 years old and working on a PhD in Educational Psychology. She has been an adoptive and foster mother for over 30 years. Most of her kids have been some combination of Bipolar, FASD, RAD, ADHD. She has been married for 35 years and is raising her second family, GB, 9, and Hope, 6. She blogs about her life at Adopting Special Needs.

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Can You Stay Home with Your Foster Children?

Because of his explosive behavior, our son had gotten kicked out of his second daycare before Christmas 2010. He was only 3 years old!

I had ignored my rights under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and not taken time off work when he was first placed with our family in March 2008 or for his adoption the next year; but I wouldn’t again! So last spring, I took family leave to spend more time with my 4-year-old. My little boy needed his mommy!

I enrolled him in a couple of Mother’s Day Out programs, working part-time, giving me the ability to extend my 12-week leave throughout the spring until school was out when he could stay home with FosterDad (a teacher). I continued working to ensure our medical insurance would be paid.

Our son improved tremendously! No melt-downs or tantrums at MDO the entire spring or summer!!! (I wish I could say the same for at home)

Last fall, thinking a year at home had helped him, we were excited to enroll our son into highly-regarded daycare/preschool in our area. He had been on the wait list for two years!

At 4-years-old, he seemed ready. And he was — for only about 8 weeks; the stress of all-day care finally caught up with him. His explosions were worse! More out-of-control than ever!

We had to do something! We made the difficult decision to try psychotropic medications. His explosions continued.

We knew by experience that his time at this preschool was limited. FosterDad quickly found a place in the Pre-K class at the public school where he taught. My stomach was in knots. We were not solving the problem, just transferring the problem somewhere else. I knew in my heart it wasn’t the right thing to do. I needed to leave my job to stay home with my son.

Then, while at work on the morning of November 10, 2011, I was silently crying and praying when I received an email from one of God’s messengers.

A person from Human Resources had written to ask me if the time I had taken off the week before was FMLA. What?!

My fingers raced to place a call.

“Didn’t I use up all my FMLA hours?”

“No?” I was still eligible for over 100 hours of FMLA that didn’t expire until the end of January!

I was overwhelmed by God’s hand on me that morning.

My Facebook post that day read: “When feeling down and confused, blessings from above can make you soar above the clouds! Thank you, Lord, for your unexpected blessings!”

I never shared that with you since we were busy with Adoption Day preparations and trying to decide whether to add Lil Bit’s newborn sibling to our family.

I enrolled him in the half-day Pre-K at the local elementary school, and began picking him up for lunch every day.

JD was excited about going to “big school” where the neighborhood kids attend.

FosterDad began full-time family leave in February, and goes back to school today – for one month until school is out – then he retires June 1st!

Not that our son hasn’t had a couple meltdowns at the new school. (Fortunately, public schools can’t kick kids out for bad behavior) But he has adjusted and is doing much better.

Our son even won an award at school! Okay, full disclosure, it was a perfect attendance award, but we are proud of him, nonetheless.

I’ve reapplied for FMLA for the month of May – So today, I’m excited to begin my time off with my little boy! There’s nothing like Mommy and Me time!!!

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This 3-Year-Old Needs a Family

This little guy needs a family. His name is Oscar. When I look into his big, brown, engaging eyes, I can’t help but smile.

Isn’t he just adorable?

My kids and I just love chimps!  My fascination with primates began when I wrote my college research paper to question whether they could really communicate with humans using sign language.

Tomorrow, on Friday, April 20th, just in time for Earth Day, DisneyNature is bringing a true story of adoption that actually happened in the wild.

Oscar is a baby chimp born to a caring mother with a huge extended family living in the jungles of Africa.

This film explores how when Oscar suddenly loses his mother, an unexpected member of his clan takes care of him.  Oscar is adopted!

This film demonstrates that, even in nature, foster care and adoption happen.  Some opponents may try to demonize adoption and call for its abolition; however, adoption isn’t evil – sometimes it’s necessary for a little one’s survival in the world – and it can become a beautiful, fulfilling journey.

Can you watch this trailer without feeling a fullness in your throat?

I’m loving the Switchfoot song playing in the trailer: “This is home, now I’m finally where I belong…” We all need to belong.

I’m looking forward to experiencing this film with my boys.  Lil Bit is a bit too young to grasp its message just yet; however, I’m looking forward watching this film with 4-year-old Stinkpot.  At just over an hour (78 minutes), I’m hoping he can sit still that long.

How about you? How do you share stories of adoption with your little ones? What films do you recommend?

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My Confession: The Rejection of My Mother

DiedI have been grieving.  I have been grieving a loss. Not a death – a loss. The loss I feel of not having a loving, caring mother.

Last November, I was ecstatic about our adoption of Lil Bit – thrilled that he would finally be ours after a rubberband custody battle. However, that happiness was contradicted by a broken heart.

Knowing that Lil Bit’s adoption would be on National Adoption Day, I asked my mother to be a part of this special day. I asked (begged) her on Labor Day (in September).

Her reply to me was: “But that’s when we are having Thanksgiving. Why don’t you change your adoption day?”

“Mom, I can’t change National Adoption Day. I will be adopting Lil Bit the weekend of your Thanksgiving. Why don’t you celebrate Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving weekend or another time?”

“But that’s when we always have Thanksgiving.” (for only the last 3 years)

“Mom, I can’t change National Adoption Day. I guess we won’t be coming for your Thanksgiving unless you change the date.”

There was no other mention of Thanksgiving, even after numerous conversations about Lil Bit’s broken arm, the investigation into our foster home, and his adoption.

Two weeks before National Adoption Day, I called my mother to let her know the details of the adoption.  She began making excuses about why she couldn’t come. Her hours at work had been cut so she didn’t have the excuse of having to work. But, of course, it was all about the money and how she didn’t have the money to put gas in her Toyota Corolla. There were other excuses too. After the call, I was downtrodden, knowing in my gut that she didn’t want to share in the joy of our adoption.

After speaking with my wonderful husband, he suggested that we just send her a $100 gift card for gasoline.

However, when I called her up the week before the adoption, before I could tell her about the gift card, she began lamenting about all the people that were coming to her home the weekend of our adoption.  She was having her early Thanksgiving and didn’t tell me. My eyes were clouding over with tears when I asked her, “Do you want me to bother sending you an invitation to the adoption?”

Her reply was: “No, don’t bother.”

I hung up the phone and began crying. My soul was flooded with emotion over all of the past rejections of my mother.

My entire childhood I was told over and over that I was ugly and just an overall horrible daughter. My sisters and I never did enough to help her. We were constantly referred to as “damn kids.”

When my parents divorced, at age 14 I chose to live with my dad. For years, I heard how it was my fault that she didn’t have custody of her kids. As an adult, I read the divorce decree and discovered that she did have custody as long as she lived in the county. When I asked her why she didn’t just move back, her reply was: “I needed my mother.” (My younger sisters were 11 and 7 years old. She was 35.)

I’m not writing all this for you to join my pity party or tell me how terrible my mom is. I guess I’m writing this to let you know how a neglected child never completely heals from the rejection of a parent.

Did my mother ever do anything to warrant CPS involvement? No.

However, the verbal taunts and rejection from my mother still haunt me as an adult.

I guess that is why I’m so passionate about a child going to good home, instead of to a home that is just “good enough.”

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Babywearing: A Different Way to Form Attachment?

Promoting attachment and bonding with our traumatized little ones can certainly be a challenge. When Maura of Fostering Awareness wrote about babywearing, my redneck response was: “Babywearing? What in the tarnation is that?”

babywearing-benefits-attachment-parenting

Babywearing is one of the principles of attachment parenting taught by renowned pediatrician, Dr. Sears, to foster a secure attachment between an infant and caregiver.

WOW! I had only seen baby carriers as just another way to transport your baby, not as a means of attachment.

I had a baby carrier for Stinkpot for a very short time and used it only on rare occasions.

Could “wearing” our severely-neglected 8-month-old Stinkpot have helped with his attachment issues?  Would wearing him more have helped him attach more?

As with any parenting method, there are pros and cons of babywearing – and, of course, everyone has an opinion. What’s yours?

How has babywearing affected attachment and bonding with your traumatized little ones?

To read more on attachment parenting (Amazon affiliate links):
Here’s a highly rated Kindle book:  Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children
Dr. Sears’ book:  The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby

CHECK OUT THIS HIGHLY-RECOMMENDED BABY CARRIER

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5 Ways to Turn Your Kid’s Bad Day into a Great Day

I try not to be discouraged, but it’s becoming more difficult lately.  Stinkpot can have a great day with me or FosterDad, but then suddenly chaos disrupts our lives.

toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachmentWhen our family is together, Stinkpot acts out in the worst ways!

Our guess is that he craves the attachment and bonding of one-on-one time with one parent.  But then sometimes, even if it’s just both parents and him, he changes immediately into Mr. Hyde.

Evenings can be bad, but weekends are becoming the worst! All day!

Drawing on our past experiences with Stinkpot and with some guidance from his play therapist, we are attempting to use these 5 ways to prepare and help Stinkpot cope easier with family time.

1.  Talk every day about his schedule to help him transition from one activity to another.

“Today, Daddy will pick you up from school, then you’ll eat lunch together, then you’ll rock in Daddy’s lap and watch SuperWhy for rest time. After nap, you can play ball together until Mommy comes home with LilBit.”

2.  Countdown until family time.

“2 more days until Saturday when everyone will be home together.”

3.  Plan a special treat to anticipate.

On Saturdays, we plan a simple treat for the boys.  Whether it’s visiting cousins, going to the park after nap, or a Wendy’s Frosty.  (Check with your local Wendy’s to purchase a keychain token to benefit foster children and get a free Frosty at each visit.)

4.  Plan one-on-one time.

Since I’ve returned to work full-time, Stinkpot doesn’t get the Mommy time he craves. My goal is to show Stinkpot excitement to see him when I get home each evening. I plan to run up to him, pick him up and shower him with affection and Mommy kisses as soon as I walk in the door. Our hope is that 10 uninterrupted minutes of laughing and playing with Mommy will give him that daily attachment he desires.

5.  Bring back rocking and cuddling into his daily schedule.

Last year, I participated in One Thankful Mom’s Rockin’ Mama Challenge.  Daily rocking of my hyperactive, then 3-year-old boy had a calming effect to my traumatized child’s demeanor.

Our prayer is that focusing on one-on-one attachment and bonding will help our Stinkpot adjust to sharing time with others in our family.

What are some ways that you suggest in helping our traumatized children?

I’m Clever

Sway