Foster2Forever

by

Help! Is This Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

Our strong-willed preschool son is a defiant one! This strong-willed Kindergartener has been so demanding and obstinate lately. And we are exhausted!

We recently attended a foster care training on mental health issues, such as depression, PTSD, ADHD.  And when the speaker showed the slide on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), our mouths fell open…

What is Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

ODD is a pattern of negative, hostile and defiant acts that lasts more than 6 months. (How about 2+ years?)

Symptoms of Oppositional Defiant Disorder

  • Loses temper easily
  • Argues with adults
  • Refuses to obey rules
  • Often annoys people on purpose
  • Blames others for his mistakes
  • Often touchy or easily annoyed with others
  • Often angry and resentful
  • Often spiteful

A child must exhibit at least 4 or more of the following symptoms to be diagnosed with ODD.

My son exhibits every single symptom of ODD!!!

Now don’t get me wrong – I am not diagnosing my son  with ODD! To the contrary, my prayer is that he does not have ODD.

Because…get this: He has had no tantrums at school this entire year! My observations are that he only exhibits these symptoms of ODD with his parents!  Since he only exhibits these symptoms with his primary caregivers, it could mean that he is expressing his needs due to his past trauma only when he feels safe – with his parents.

Read more about the overlapping symptoms of other disorders.

photo credit: demandaj via photopin cc

by

Dealing with your Defiant Kid

Do you have a defiant kid too? I have a defiant, strong-willed son that I believe takes pride in challenging me. I love my little imp, but boy, he tries my patience!

I have been reading through The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family and have been using a number of the strategies for connecting with your adopted child.

STEPS IN DEALING WITH CHILD’S MISBEHAVIOR

  1. Respond to misbehavior immediately.
  2. Redirect to better choices.
  3. Practice getting it right with a do-over.
  4. Praise for improved behavior.

But sometimes, my son is stubborn and simply defies me. Chapter 7 discusses Dealing with Defiance!  Here are some of the strategies I’ve been using from this chapter:

defiant-kid-toddler-daughter

STEPS IN DEALING WITH CHILD’S DEFIANCE

  1. If your child challenges you, move closer and assert your authority while giving your child a chance for a do-over.
  2. Then say something like: “It is NOT okay for you to talk to me or your dad like that. You can be unhappy, but you MUST talk with respect! Now try that again, son.“
  3. Many times I have to give my preschool boy a choice of talking nicely or a consequence. After a few moments, he usually turns around because he knows I mean business.
  4. Praise him for talking respectfully. “Good choice in talking nicely!“

The Connected Child recommends: “Use the least amount of firmness and corrective effort needed to resolve a situation.”

However, sometimes, these strategies may not work, and Chapter 7 of The Connected Child discusses dealing with defiance in more detail.

BE FLEXIBLE

To avoid a total breakdown, sometimes, I have to stay aware of my son’s “meltdown potential.”

Sometimes if he might be hungry, I realize that he isn’t capable of pulling himself together – so my first task is to get his blood sugar back up – before I deal with his defiance.

 

After he’s calm, then we talk about his misbehavior and even sometimes, I give him the choice of what his consequence for misbehavior should be. Funny story: One time, he decided his punishment would be “no wii for 20 months”.  I told him that would be nearly two years until he could play wii again, so 2 days of no wii would be fine.

What strategies have you found effective in dealing with the defiant personality of your kid?

by

Video: Being a Homeschool Stepmom and Finding Child’s Talents

This is my story of becoming a stepmother and how my role quickly changed and expanded. With an ADHD label, public school was torture for my stepson, and our family saw numerous advantages of homeschool. Through our homeschooling, we discovered this boy had an unknown musical talent. Here is a video of my story that shows my stepson playing Beethoven’s Fur Elise on the piano.

You can also watch this video on YouTube.

Do your children have a label to overcome? What are their talents and gifts?

by

101 Spring Break Activities for Kids

It’s SPRING BREAK!!! Avoid the boredoms!!!

Looking for spring break activities and things to do with your kids this week while they are out of school?

spring-break-activities-kids



I’ve compiled this list of 101 spring break activities that you can do with your kids.

Click this photo for a list of 34 spring break activities.

Click this photo for even more spring break activities.

Here are 5 more fun things to do within your budget.

Here are 10 more ideas for places to go during spring break.

5 more kid-friendly things to do during spring break.

And 22 more fun & frugal spring break activities for kids.

Spring break activities for our family are visits with both sets of grandparents, a trip to the zoo, and a picnic in the park.

Check out all these other fun-filled kids activities.

What activities are you doing with your kids during spring break?

by

When Do-Overs Don’t Work: A Child’s BIG Emotions

I have a defiant child!  His challenging behaviors can be so frustrating as a parent attempting to help him.

Last month, I discussed the “Do-Over” as a technique to teach your child appropriate behavior as an alternative to other forms of discipline.

However, sometimes, such as during this scary blow-up rage at church, DO-OVERS JUST DON’T WORK!

My son, JD, was in full rage mode & nothing we could do was calming him down. We were desperate, and racing to the local hospital for help. In fact, he didn’t calm down until we actually pulled up to the hospital.

A few months ago, I read The Whole-Brain Child along with Lisa Qualls and a few of her readers of One Thankful Mom.

Child-Emotions-Behavior-Problems-Parenting

One of the helpful strategies that I began using during one of JD’s meltdowns is:

Whole Brain Strategy #2: Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions.

Name It to Tame It helps children not be overwhelmed by their feelings. The authors note that we can: “name and tame the emotions we are experiencing, rather than be{ing} overwhelmed by them.”  This storytelling process can help a child make sense of their experiences.

One thing that we’ve noticed with JD’s rages is that they usually occur when he hasn’t eaten a good meal in a while.  During these rages, I’ve began repeating to him: “oh, you must be hungry…you get really grumpy when you’re hungry…what would you like to eat?”

By adding these narrative details while JD is raging, I’m hoping to help him make sense of what he’s experiencing with these BIG emotions and what he’s feeling in his body.  Then hopefully, one day, he will realize that he’s hungry and just say “I’m hungry!”

That scary blow-up at church was so perplexing to us because he had eaten nearly two grilled cheese sandwiches before church!  That intense rage (the worst in over a year) frightened us more than ever about what could be going on inside our little boy’s brain.  I was in tears holding and praying over my son as we drove that ten minutes to the hospital.toddler-tantrum-foster-child-trauma-bonding-attachment

After that ordeal, when we finally made it home and walked in the door, what do you think Stinkpot said to me? Yes! That’s right!

I’M HUNGRY.

How do you help your child deal with BIG emotions?

You can read The Whole-Brain Child on your Kindle or listen through Audible (how I read it).

by

Using Do-Overs as Discipline?

Confession: I am the mother of a defiant, demanding, strong-willed child! I’m starting to believe “Misbehavior” might be his middle name. 🙂

My 5-year-old son, already a know-it-all, is 5 years old going on 15. What an attitude! (One doctor has diagnosed him with Reactive Attachment Disorder) And it’s with this child that I feel the most insecure about my parenting skills.

I certainly don’t want to punish him all the time for his constant misbehavior.  In just a short time, I can quickly take away every single privilege that this stubborn child has – with no real benefit.  His defiant behavior doesn’t change! And through all this misbehavior, I seem to be just punishing myself.


Enter the “Do-Over” – a concept originally introduced to me through his play therapist last year.

However, now that I’m currently reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by Dr. Karyn Purvis, the “do-over” is emphasized and explained in more detail.

The “IDEAL” Approach to handle misbehavior discussed in the book is:

I – Immediate response;

D – Directly respond to the child, making eye contact;

E – Efficiently use words and firmness;

A – Action-based “do-overs”;

L – Level your response to the behavior, not the child.

When my defiant child demands or says something ugly, a do-over has become such an effective tool to teach him the correct way to act or respond.

“Let’s try that again.” – “What’s another way to say that?” – “How can we do that differently?”

Through this method, my son is actively learning how to act appropriately in the world! A skill that, sadly, many foster children just haven’t learned due to their rough beginnings.

It’s just like learning any other skill – riding a bicycle, playing a musical instrument, making a basketball goal – practice, practice, practice!

Get the CALM-CONNECT-CORRECT PROGRAM: The Step-By-Step Process To Effectively Manage Behavior  –> Click HERE to learn more.

 

 

by

How to Make Kids Christmas Photos Less Horrifying

I am ashamed! This is my Stinkpot’s first photo with Santa…santa-pictures-tips

Go ahead and nominate me for Bad Parent of the Year for terrorizing my kid – I nominate myself!  I’ve learned quite a bit in the last four years of parenting. Last year, we had a good experience taking family portraits and pictures with Santa.  This is how we did it…

1. Introduce your Children to Santa Claus Beforehand

In the picture above, Stinkpot had no clue who this scary guy in a red suit was.  A new parent, I simply handed my toddler over to this guy for a photo. Wrong tactic! I did a much better job at introducing Santa Claus to my Lil Bit. I pointed out Santa Claus on television, at parades, on items in stores, and at the mall beforehand. By picture day, Lil Bit wanted to tell Santa about the choo-choo he wanted.

2. Schedule an Early Appointment with Family Photography Studio

Make your appointment as early in the day as your family can manage.  Early enough that the photos are taken before naps or lunch is necessary. We had an 8:30 a.m. appointment on a Saturday. This also avoids the crowded chaotic waiting area of photography studios that happen as the day moves on.  By the time we left at 9:45 a.m., the waiting room was becoming quite full.Christmas-card-design-adoption-front copy

3. Take Family Portraits and Santa Photos on the Same Day

The kids are already dressed up.  A quick trip to the mall immediately after it opens hopefully guarantees shorter waiting lines to sit on Santa’s lap.

4. Dress for a Different Look in Kids Pictures with Santa

Remove the tie and jacket, then add a sweater vest for a different look.kids-pictures-with-Santa-Claus

5. Provide a Simple Snack

Since discovering my 5-year-old Stinkpot has meltdowns associated with low blood sugar, I try and have snacks readily available.  Snacks can help tie a child over until mealtime and be a useful incentive, especially during wait times.

6. Be Realistic about Pictures with Santa

Even at older ages, this may be your foster child’s first experience with Santa. Don’t stress out about having the smiling, happy Santa photo. It may not happen and that’s okay. Whatever photo you do get, could possibly be the ONLY photo your child‘s ever had with Santa. (I don’t have a photo of me with Santa)

What are your tips for making pictures with Santa enjoyable for your children?  Have they had pictures with Santa before?

by

My Confession: My Bad Habit as a Parent

“Mom! You’re not listening to me!” My strong-willed 5-year-old, JD, growls at me. And he’s right!

Sometimes I get so focused on the task I’m working on that I actually just don’t hear him.

I’m currently reading The Connected Child: Bring hope and healing to your adoptive family by the late Dr. Karyn Purvis.

Chapter 5 (“Teaching Life Values”) of this fabulous book discusses ways that foster and adoptive parents can teach their children appropriate life values.  Values that a child without a devoted caregiver may not learn – such as respect, kindness, obedience, and consequences.

Parents can best teach values by living them first!

My strong-willed son is the first to point out any inconsistencies between what I say and what I do. So my actions speak much louder than my words!

Because of my son’s Reactive Attachment Disorder, he struggles with empathy for others. He is extremely ego-centric (as many preschoolers are).  Teaching him that others matter is going to be a struggle. It already is.

One way we show we value others is by respecting and listening to what they say!

And when I get busy and tune him out, I am not teaching him about valuing others.

Many times when JD accuses me of not listening to him, I don’t realize that he’s speaking to me.  When he’s talking, I have to make myself stop what I’m doing and check in with him.  Amusingly, sometimes his reply is: “I’m talking to myself.“

What is your bad habit as a parent? What family values are you teaching your children?

by

Tantrums Don’t Take Vacation

20121105-124833.jpg
We had a fabulous time on our Disney cruise out of Galveston! It was such a joy to see my kids enjoy Rum Point Beach on Grand Cayman as I had just 8 years before.

However, even with all the fun we still had to occasionally have to deal with a tantrum, approximately one per day.

20121105-125447.jpg
Even the captain’s staff got involved!

20121105-125618.jpg
However, I did notice that each tantrum was before mealtime. So the last few days, when JD was having a meltdown, I gave him a small piece of candy.

Viola! Tantrum over!!!

He has a doctor appointment next week to check his blood sugar.

I’m Clever

Sway