Foster Care Archives - Page 4 of 28

How Children Enter the Foster Care System

As a foster parent, I have never been privy to the removal of a child placed in foster care. The process after a child enters foster care is quite complicated and can have a number of outcomes.

Before a child enter the foster care system, an investigation is conducted by the state investigators. If the investigator finds no reason to believe that a child is abused or neglected, the case is closed.

However, if CPS finds an issue, the case is either referred to Family Based Safety Services or the child enters the Foster Care system.

Family Based Safety Services is used when there is a safety issue that puts a child at risk. FBSS is meant to help families stay together. A caseworker is assigned and a Family Service Plan is developed to address each of the safety issues discovered to keep the child safe. Family Service Plans may include parenting classes, drug treatment plans, drug testing, psychological evaluations, individual and family counseling, and other services to get the family back on track. The caseworker continues to visit and evaluate the safety of children in the home.

If the family completes the family services plan, then the case is closed. However, if the parents do not complete their family services plan, then a child enters the foster care system.

The priority is to place a child with a relative in kinship care; however, if no suitable relative is found, then the child is placed in a licensed foster home.

While the child is in foster care, the parents still have the opportunity to complete family services and the child can be reunified with the parents. However, if the parents do not complete services, the child can be either adopted or age out of the foster care system.

11:57 am by Penelope

The First Step in Bonding with Your Adopted Child

One major mistake I made when my two sons came home as older children, was treating them the same as I treated my biological child. Since all my children were similar in age, I expected they would have similar interests, and we would connect in ways I already knew how to connect, because, I was already a mom. Most people even considered me to be a “good mom.” [At least that’s what most said to my face.]

Prior to our two sons coming home, this “good mom” spent hours reading to her biological child, and, for the rest of the day, this mom and her biological child hung out and enjoyed each other. Trips to the library, playground, or even a friend’s house required very little (if any) planning.

By week two of mothering three children, I was at a complete loss. Our house was littered with toy fragments. I had hidden our precious library books to preserve them from utter destruction. When we did go to the playground, at least one of my children would climb up to a high place and refuse to leave. No other outings seemed reasonable. Soon, no outings seemed reasonable.

I began to resent my children. In my mind they weren’t playing their parts. I was a “good mom,” so, I began to believe our family’s chaotic state was the fault of my two children.

Never in my life have I ever been more wrong.

It took me months to begin to realize, that while I may have been a good mom to my biological child, I made a lot of assumptions when I began parenting my adopted sons. Loving my adopted children the same way I loved my biological child was not loving them at all.

It was hurting them. It was hurting us.

I was hurting us!

The first step in bonding with an adopted child

In order to begin loving my adopted children, I had to get to know them. Getting to know them was (and is) complicated because their lives have been complicated.

I’ve heard it said, “Our [children from hard places] need a delicate balance of structure and nurture. It’s a dance,” but that was not our experience at all.

For my children, structure WAS nurture. It still is. Once I really started getting to know my children, I could finally see their anxiety in everyday life, and I learned the first step in connecting with my adopted children was to reduce their anxiety.

In the beginning, the only way I could reduce their anxiety was to provide structure. Any nurture beyond providing structure led to their heightened anxiety.

To be a good mom, I had to back off from all the activities.

As I provided the structure my children needed to feel safe, they slowly began to trust me. Their behavior began to communicate how safe they felt. Eventually, I could tell they were ready — we were ready — for more traditional nurture.

And I was the only one who could change to make this happen.

Nicole is a parent through both birth and foster care adoption. She blogs over at Coffee Colored Sofa where she shares her story of how parenting through adoption is changing her.

2:19 pm by Penelope

How Adoption Changed Our Story

November is National Adoption Month and a time to celebrate the unique way families grow via the miracle of adoption. Each adoption story is unique and woven together in a special way.

Follow me on Instagram as I share our adoption stories (we have three).

DAY ONE – FACT Nearly 102,000 children that are currently available for adoption from the foster care system in the United States simply need a parent! Not a perfect parent, but a parent perfect for them! More than 30 percent (31,000) of these foster kids are between the ages of 11 and 17.

FACT: Over 100,000 children in #fostercare in the U.S. are available for #adoption.

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 7, 2015 at 6:03am PST

DAY 2 – INTRODUCTIONS DAY 3 – THOUGHTS BEFORE ADOPTION You can read more of my infertility struggle.

THOUGHTS BEFORE #ADOPTION: I struggled through #infertility & attending a #babyshower could send me into a tailspin of sadness. It was strange how I could feel happy for the #momtobe but feel this longing ache deep inside wondering if I would ever have the joy of holding a #baby that would someday call me mom. It got to a point where I just didn’t attend #babyshowers. But that was before I was a #fostadopt parent. #knittogetherbyadoption #infertilitysucks A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 11, 2015 at 3:59am PST

DAY 4 – THOUGHTS AFTER ADOPTION

THOUGHTS AFTER #ADOPTION: The sting of #infertility lasted a few years; however, after my #adoptedchildren were older, conversations became less about the early years & more about them as individuals with their own interests & personalities. I know nothing of the birth of my #sons’ friends- whether natural, C-section or #adopted – it doesn’t matter! These #boys are my sons! No adjective needed! #my3sons #infertilitysucks but #adoptionrocks! #knittogetherbyadoption

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 12, 2015 at 2:32am PST

DAY 5 – OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVES The perspective of others can sometimes be insensitive and other times downright hurtful. My family just didn’t understand the importance of our son’s adoption. I was elated on our adoption day but still felt intense grief due to my mother’s rejection.

OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVES: #knittogetherbyadoption By the time the #adoption of our youngest son was finalized, LilBit had been in our family for nearly two years. Through hospitalizations, surgeries, court hearings, & investigations – he nearly left us many times. Others didn’t see how important & special #adoptionday was for us. I was heartbroken that my family didn’t want to be a part of our celebration on #NationalAdoptionDay four years ago. This is how that #grief affected me: http://bit.ly/18yB9ul A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 10, 2015 at 10:10am PST

DAY 6 – HOW WE MET We have 3 sons each through the miracle of adoption. Our oldest son was adopted via a private adoption, yet the youngest two sons were adopted via foster care. You can download the full story of our youngest son’s adoption.

HOW WE MET: Our oldest became our #son via a private #adoption. Steve rushed to Houston when birth mom went into labor, but Bubba couldn’t wait to make his appearance. His birth mom gave him a notebook about her & the dad with photos, letters, & fun facts – we still have it. Our middle son, JD, came to us as a #baby for #fostercare only. He lit up my heart when the CW was still holding & he smiled at me with only two bottom teeth. So sick & congested, he only slept 15 minutes at a time that first miserable night. He officially became our #son 2 years later. Our #babyboy, LilBit, came as a call just before Christmas at 4 months old as a legal risk #placement going immediately to adoption. Lots of crazy court cases before we adopted him 2 years later on #NationalAdoptionDay. #KnitTogetherByAdoption A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 9, 2015 at 2:35pm PST

DAY 7 – OTHER HOMES Our middle son, JD, was placed in another foster home before he joined our family.

OTHER HOMES: Our middle son was first placed into #fostercare into a home at #FortHood; however, news of #deployment caused this family to make the hard choice to move this 8-month-old baby. JD was there only a few days before he joined our family on March 4, 2008. I think about how miraculous it was for him to be moved to our home 2 counties away. But God knew what he was doing for him to become my son! #knittogetherbyadoption A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 10, 2015 at 9:05am PST

DAY 8 – WHAT MAKES ME SMILE – WORLD ADOPTION DAY

#WorldAdoptionDay! These #boys make me #smile when I think how #blessed I am to have been #chosen to be their mom! #knittogetherbyadoption A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 10, 2015 at 5:10am PST

DAY 10 CULTIVATING BIRTHFAMILY CULTURE We don’t celebrate our son’s Mexican culture to the same extent as our American culture.

CULTIVATING CULTURE: http://bit.ly/QUsRpG Our youngest #son was born in #Mexico. Through our #adoption process, we were met with criticism because we weren’t #Hispanic. #Mexican culture became a reason to remove LilBit from our #adoptive home. We eventually prevailed to keep him in our family (with the birth mother’s help). We do want our Mexican child to be proud of his first culture; however, he is now our American son & we will celebrate that! #knittogetherbyadoption A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Nov 10, 2015 at 2:50am PST

Stay tuned on Instagram!

12:01 pm by Penelope

Mini Diaper Bag and Purse Essentials for New Mom

As a foster mom, babies can come into your life in a moment’s notice. And just like that, we have a baby in our home! It’s hard to believe that it’s been three years since we’ve had an infant in our home and so I had to start from scratch with baby items. (we only thought we were out of the baby business)

Here’s a list of essentials for a new mom’s purse (along with a “mini” diaper bag).

Purse Essentials for the New Mom

In my purse, from top clockwise:

Change purse/tiny makeup bag – Now with so many stores giving perks for using reward cards, I began to amass so many that my wallet was impossible to close. I use this tiny makeup bag/change purse and put all my reward cards, coupons, and gift cards in this. It really frees up space in my wallet.

Phone Wallet – I love my Sakroots cross-body phone wallet! If I need to run into a store (when baby is in the car with dad), I can just grab my wallet and go without lugging in my entire purse.

Mints/Vitamins – How many times have you been out and then remember that you forgot to take your vitamins? And since mints are a purse essential too, Pfizer combined the two with Centrum Vitamints that are adult multivitamins with a refreshingly minty taste you can take/enjoy any time of day with or without food or water. (note to self: keep Centrum Vitamints in the car to trick my adult son into taking vitamins)

Hand sanitizer – Anytime I am out & about touching doorknobs, chairs or anywhere else germs can spread, I make sure to use hand sanitizer before I touch the baby.

Cell phone – Do I really need to explain? I like that I can stick it in my Sakroots cross-body phone wallet too!

Advil Tablet Vial – Carrying baby in the car seat or even alone can be murder on your back! Compound that with the bending, lifting and twisting of putting the baby and car seat in and out of the car, I was really sore after my son arrived. You can use Advil tablets for headaches, minor arthritis and other joint pain, muscle aches and pains of the common cold.

Cologne – I always carry a small vial of my favorite cologne in my purse because spit-up happens.

Tinted lip balm – After a restless night with baby, a little color on the lips makes me feel a little less like “Walking Dead” plus I like the added moisture and protection of a lip balm.

Mini-Diaper Bag – A few diaper bag essentials can be a lifesaver to carry in your purse for those quick trips, instead of lugging a huge diaper bag around.

Mini Diaper Bag Essentials List:

Diaper
Diaper wipes
Baby powder.
Pacifier
Rattler/teething ring
Infants’ Advil to quickly soothe teething pain and fever
Bottle with measured dry formula (just add water)

It’s easy to find the supplies for your mini diaper bag essentials. Infants’ Advil can be found in both the Baby section and in Health & Beauty at Walmart.

Look in the Health & Beauty section of Walmart for travel size items for your purse or mini diaper bag, including baby powder, baby wipes, hand sanitizer, Advil Tablet Vial, etc.

Be sure and check all these other great ideas on how to be healthy for every part of your life.

Disclosure: This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #BeHealthyForEveryPartofLife #CollectiveBias

10:16 am by Penelope

I Judged Birthfamily Until I Became One

Judgment! If we are honest, we’ve all done it! And especially, as a foster parent, and hearing the stories of the children in my care, I’ve judged the birthfamily. How could a parent choose a party, a boyfriend, or drugs over caring for a baby?

Then one day, I received a call for a placement; however, this call wasn’t about one of THOSE families – it was a call about a child from my own family.

Child Protective Services was removing the baby from a family member – and in all honestly, we all knew the child wasn’t safe in those conditions.

I Became the Birthfamily

All of a sudden, the tables were turned and I was the one being judged, even by the CPS caseworker – just for being a member of THAT family. And would you believe, that even though I was a licensed foster parent, the caseworker did not want to place the baby with us? My requests to bring the baby into our family were met with deaf ears, and my frustrations with the foster care system increased, albeit from another angle. A paradigm shift, for sure.

After a number of months of fruitless calls to CPS, I actually met my youngest cousin and her foster family at a Christmas party for foster kids. The foster parents loved her and were keeping her safe. We exchanged numbers, and the foster family kept in touch with me while she was in care. The child eventually reunited with her other parent, and the case was closed.

Check out endmommywars.com where moms can find encouragement instead of judgement.

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac to #EndMommyWars and support other moms rather than place judgement.

9:30 pm by Penelope

How NOT to Discipline an Insecure Child

Time-out is the most common way used today to discipline a child. And it may work for most children; however, time-out may not work if you have an insecure child. Here’s why!

How to NOT Discipline an Insecure Child

Using a time-out for discipline can trigger fear and abandonment issues, making it counterproductive, especially for insecure or at-risk children. If a child is struggling with low self-esteem, a time-out may affirm to the child that they aren’t any good.

This is particularly true with foster and adopted children that struggle with attachment because of the lack of early bonding in their lives. Because of a child’s early history of neglect and abuse, he may already feel disconnected from the family due to the lack of bonding in his earlier relationships. To these hurt children, time-out can feel like banishment and rejection from the family, which can cause the child’s mind to cycle into more insecurity. To a traumatized child, a time-out could feel like a withdrawal of love and equate to another abandonment to the child.

Through a simple time-out, a parent may be sending the message to an at-risk child: “My parents don’t want me around.” Those feelings of rejection have no outlet in a time-out which can cause turmoil inside the child. Consequently, the child may learn to withdraw from the world during times of stress instead of dealing with those emotions of disappointment.

When a child struggling with feeling insecure and controlling their emotions, that is a time in particular when a child most needs a parent’s help to wade through the turmoil.

How to Discipline an Insecure Child

You still have to discipline your child, so what do you do? Remember that there is a difference between discipline and punishment. Try disciplining your child using a time-in instead of time-out. Using time-in to discipline your child will help your child teaches calmness, self-soothing, and thinking through emotions, plus it creates a bonding time with your child to deepen the parent-child relationship.

DOWNLOAD YOUR GUIDESHEET FOR TIME-IN DISCIPLINE

1:24 pm by Penelope

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge to Bond with your Child

Five years ago, I was struggling with parenting our demanding, hyperactive toddler we had adopted from foster care. I stumbled upon a blog post that first introduced me to the concept of attachment therapies for adoptive families.

{That blog post, The Rockin’ Mama Challenge, was written by none other than Lisa Qualls of One Thankful Mom.}

The Challenge was to sit and rock your traumatized child 15 minutes each day to promote attachment. The uninterrupted alone time between parent and child was to help give the child a pathway to learn attachment through a simple ritual of physical closeness via rocking.

Five years ago, foster parents in my neck of the woods weren’t trained much on trauma and its effects on a child’s attachment. Not many parenting strategies were doled out either, most parenting tips were “don’t spank” and “just give a time-out.”

Five years ago, I began the Challenge fighting to keep our son still and in my lap for any amount of time. A challenge it was!!! But after a week, our son began to not resist the rocking time. After two weeks, he even asked to be rocked. As much as he fought it, my traumatized child wanted that attachment.

Five years ago, that Challenge opened my eyes to a whole new world of attachment parenting.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge

Now, five years later, I’d like to challenge other parents to join me in another rocking challenge during the month of October. It’s simple.

Join the #RocktoberLove Challenge Facebook group.

Rock your child for 10-15 minutes every day in October. If you miss a day, don’t give up! Just rock your child the next day! If you can’t do 10 minutes, do 5 minutes. Just rock!

Rock your child alone. No other children. No distractions. No books. No devices. No television. Just you and your child.

Keep a journal or share your experience on Instagram, Twitter or Periscope using the #RocktoberLove hashtag. Record how long, what time of day, what you did together, how your child responded, how you felt, etc.

Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Periscope. — And others participating in the #RocktoberLove Challenge. Start a dialog. You are not alone in this!!! Here is your village.

I’ll be periscoping my #RocktoberLove Challenge experience everyday.
Will you join me?

3:37 pm by Penelope

Real Answers about Being a Foster Parent

It’s hard to find out what it’s really like being a foster parent. No training is going to tell you what really happens. For the last year, each week, I’ve been asking foster parents on Instagram a question about being a foster parent. Here are their real answers.

Follow me on Instagram for more…

Family visits

Who is in charge of family visits with kids in #FosterCare? Do you have to arrange visits directly? Or does your #agency? #FosterCareFriday

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Jun 26, 2015 at 11:25am PDT

Missed Visits

What do you say to your foster child when a parent doesn’t show for a visit? #fostercarequestions #fostercare

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Sep 11, 2015 at 1:31pm PDT

Teachers

#FosterCareFriday – How much do you share with teachers about your kids in #fostercare? #backtoschool A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Aug 14, 2015 at 6:36pm PDT

Court Hearings

#FosterCareFriday – COURT HEARINGS – Do you attend #fostercare hearing? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Jul 24, 2015 at 12:16pm PDT

Number of Kids

#fostercarefriday: WHAT IS THE OPTIMUM NUMBER OF KIDS FOR YOUR FAMILY? #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Jul 25, 2014 at 12:06pm PDT

Age Gap

#FosterCareFriday What is the largest age gap between you & your kids? The smallest? (My baby was born a few months before my 45th birthday…) #oldparents #FosterCare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Jun 12, 2015 at 1:49pm PDT

Work Outside the Home

#fostercarefriday: DO YOU WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME? #fostercare I worked full time when I first became a #fosterparent but looking back I don’t see how! All the appointments & meetings along with working & caring for the kids left me exhausted! I flat out don’t remember giving my 5yo a bath when he was a baby & watching him splash. It’s all a blur! Today I was able to take my son to a last minute opening with a specialist- something I couldn’t have done if I was still working at a job. Your turn! A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Oct 17, 2014 at 10:16am PDT

Goodbye

How many times have you had to say GOODBYE? #fostercarefriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Oct 3, 2014 at 9:55am PDT

Birthmothers

How do you show support to birthmothers? http://bit.ly/16NF3jU #FosterCareFriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Feb 6, 2015 at 10:19am PST

Books

#FosterCareFriday What books have been the most helpful in your #fostering journey?

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on May 22, 2015 at 2:00pm PDT

Be sure and follow me on Pinterest for the answers to other questions you may have as a foster parent.

3:37 pm by Penelope

Foster Parents’ Answers to Nosy Questions

As a foster parent, sometimes I get asked some interesting questions from people, and sometimes the questions can honestly be quite nosy. How can a foster parent answer these intrusive questions?

I took to Instagram to ask other foster parents how they respond to nosy questions about foster parenting using the hashtag #FosterCareQuestions. Believe it or not, there is a large community of foster parents sharing their stories on Instagram.

What I like about Instagram is that you can comment on someone’s Instagram photo, and someone else’s photo doesn’t magically appear in your Instagram feed, which, in my opinion, is a huge problem of Facebook. I don’t feel like I can honestly comment on a Facebook post because it shows up everywhere – not just where you commented. {rant over}

Regardless, the foster parenting community on Instagram gave a variety of replies for you to stash in your arsenal when you are asked an intrusive question!

How would you reply to these questions about foster parenting?

Go to Instagram and answer with your response!

“I could never do that!” How do you respond? #fostercarefriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Sep 26, 2014 at 8:20am PDT

#FosterCareFriday: What do you say when someone asks about your kids’ parents? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Mar 6, 2015 at 9:41am PST

#FosterCareFriday How do you respond to someone saying “your child is so lucky to have you”? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Feb 20, 2015 at 12:01pm PST

#FosterCareFriday: Some people believe that foster parents are just in it for the money. What is a NICE way to respond to the question of money? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Mar 13, 2015 at 10:45am PDT

#FosterCareFriday How do you respond to: “If that was my kid, he wouldn’t get away with acting like that!” (using kind words) #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on Jan 30, 2015 at 9:41am PST

Aren’t there some great answers! The one thing to remember is that people aren’t asking questions to be rude; they are asking questions because they just don’t know. Educate them!!!