Foster Care Archives - Page 3 of 28

10:20 am by Penelope

Open Letter To Friends and Family of Foster Parents

Open letter to family and friends of foster families during the Holidays…..

I never thought I’d be writing one of these silly “open letter” things but there are just a few things I need to address. Now simmer down and don’t be offended if you recognize yourself. Yes, some of you have done these things, and no, not all of you have done all of them; and hey, some are “what if’s” and “please don’ts” and just my overly sensitive imagination.

1. My foster child is my child

First and foremost from the moment a foster child walks into my home they are ours. They are our child. I expect YOU to give them the love and respect you have always given our biological children. Let that sit for a minute. It sounds easy but for a lot of people it’s really not.

2. My foster child doesn’t know you

Please remember when we walk in your door for the first time I have a semi scared, new child with me. Even though we all know each other; she/he does not know you. You are a stranger and this is probably the 7th holiday party we’ve been to this year; that’s a lot of new people. So, no my new little love probably does not want to hug each and every one of you. Would you want to walk into a room full of loud strangers whose names are being shouted at you and hug them all? Sorry, no she’s not being rude or shy…..just normal. And while yes, she’s about the same age as Cousin Sally’s daughter they may not be best friends in 2 minutes; or they might be but let’s let them decide.

3. My foster child may not like our traditional foods

Meals; this is a tough one. YES I LOVE your fruit and walnut surprise salad but if he doesn’t that’s ok. We’ve all grown up on “our food” and it’s delicious but it tastes totally different than what he is used to. Remember everyone’s stuffing is a little different and guess what? He misses his grandmas stuffing as much as I would miss yours. So comments like “oh you didn’t eat much” or “don’t you like the ham salad casserole” are just a reminder to him that he’s not with his love ones this year. I promise I won’t let him go hungry. He may fill up on mashed potatoes but that’s ok, I’ll get in extra veggies tomorrow.

4. My foster child can hear your whispers

Oh yes even a 6 year old can hear, especially when you are hard of hearing and can’t whisper. So when we walk out of a room sweet comments like “oh, that’s such a nice thing they are doing” or “she’s so lucky to have them” or “I’m so proud of her for taking in that poor child” can be heard by THAT POOR CHILD. The last thing a kid wants to feel like is a poor charity case. No, she’s not lucky to have us we’re lucky to have her. So instead of telling her “you’re so blessed to be with them” lets try “we’re so blessed to have you with us this year”. Also, along the lines that even a 6 year old can hear……when she walks out of the room please don’t ask me about her case or her parents or where her siblings are this year. She might be able to hear you and guess what???? It’s none of your business. She’s with us for now; nope I’m not sure how long we’ll have her, that’s up to the courts and if things get to the point that we may adopt her I’ll let you all know when she’s not in the other room and feeling like people are talking about her behind her back………..because YOU are.

5. My foster child should have gifts that are equal to my “real” children

Now let’s get real, gifts. When we come to your home gifts are not necessary. Please don’t feel like you are required to get my children gifts, I can promise they have enough stuff and will get to open plenty of pretty boxes this year. But if you buy for one of them YES I EXPECT YOU TO BUY FOR ALL OF THEM (fosters included). If that’s a financial burden on you please either excuse all my kids from your gift giving or purchase less expensive gifts for them all. I know we’ve been easy on you all these years by only having one kid at home at a time but guess what? Those days are over. And for goodness sakes be fair and equal with your gifts. No, my 9 year old foster child will not love the socks you gave them when she sees her 16 year old foster sister getting a $50 gift card to her favorite store. EQUAL please; lets go $25 and $25 and you’re still coming out ahead since you didn’t buy the socks. Don’t you DARE “slip” my bio kid an extra gift or cash while in the other room either. NOPE….don’t do it, because guess what? When you did she spent half of it on her foster sib anyway because that’s the kind of kids she is.

6. Please don’t tell my foster child “you’re going to have the best Christmas ever”

NOPE, they are not going to have the best Christmas ever. Will they get more gifts than they usually do? Probably……but their biggest wish would be to be for their family to be healthy so they could be back with them; even if it meant only getting the gifts someone donated to them or from the 2nd hand store.

7. Accept my family’s decisions and give us your love and support.

Guess what family and friends? We’re loud, we love big and we are on a new adventure. Please show my family grace and give us room to stay on this big adventure. I’ll apologize now for my foster love not following all our normal and ordinary traditions or behaviors. Yes it’s all new to them too. Table manners, gratitude when getting gifts, saying “yes ma’m” and “no sir”, not touching ornaments and their behavior may be normal to them or could be symptoms of other issues my new love has.

Yes, my foster love may not be with us forever but as long as he/she is with us let’s make sure they are treated like family and not an outsider or spectacle.

Written by foster mom, Nikki Hadley

2:02 pm by Penelope

The Surprising Way Your Past Trauma Affects Your Foster Children

Now that all 20+ sessions of the Adoption HEART Conference have been broadcast, I want to share how these sessions have impacted me and changed my outlook on raising my adopted children.

I will be the first to admit that as an adoptive parent who “rescued” children from the foster care system, I am flawed. First, I had my head in the sand about some very important issues that drastically affect how effective I can be as a parent to traumatized children.

YOUR PAST TRAUMA WILL RESURFACE

The most surprising theme for me that ran through many of the sessions of the Adoption HEART Conference is that parents must recognize the impact that personal past trauma will have on their ability to effectively parent trauma.

My history is spotted with family dysfunction, substance abuse, domestic violence, along with physical and sexual abuse. Although I felt had to come to terms with my own past trauma, I had failed to recognize its importance in my ability to stay calm and not be triggered by my child’s trauma. As therapist Amy Sugeno stated in her session:

“If a parent experienced childhood trauma, they are at a higher risk for developing secondary trauma.”

Wow! She went on to explain:

“A child’s trauma may trigger a parent’s past trauma.”

Now, my trauma happened many, many years ago. I actively pursued healing as a young woman through many counseling sessions, group therapy with other survivors, and even hypnosis to clear some of the bad memories. When I eventually came to the point of restoration, I felt alive, healed, and finally over the mountain of heartache that was my youth.

However, as I became a foster parent, I was surprised at how my past trauma caused me to react. To this day, I cringe when a young girl is hugged by males or sits on a man’s lap. I become nervous, edgy, and can even become downright bitchy. My instinct is to snatch the girl from what can be a truly appropriate sign of affection. (It’s ironic because as a little girl, I always felt safest in my Daddy’s lap.)

I began to realize that due to this hyper-vigilance from my past trauma, it would be best for me if I didn’t parent little girls. It is just too nerve-racking for me.

HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY YOUR PAST TRAUMA

Evaluate your past. You can begin by journaling about your three biggest hurts in your past. Many times you will begin to see a pattern.
Evaluate your present parenting. Journal about the times you may have just lost it while parenting your child. {no judgment here} look to see if you can identify your triggers.
Compare your current triggers with your past. Examine both lists and look for any overlapping issues. Determine if your current triggers are somehow associated with your past.
Determine if your feelings are somehow associated with your past. One way that you can do this is when your child is misbehaving, before you react to your child’s behavior: Stop, breathe, and question your feelings.

4:20 pm by Penelope

Why You MUST Sign Up for this Adoption Conference

Watch this encore presentation of the Adoption HEART Conference!!! The Adoption HEART Conference is a free online event. Free sign up here.

As an adoptive parent, I’ve struggled with navigating the unique challenges that come with parenting traumatized children. Sure, there are some incredible conferences and trainings available to foster and adoptive parents, but I just can’t jump on a plane to attend. And even if I could, my kids do not travel well at all!

To make matters worse, most adoption conferences and trainings don’t provide childcare so that means I’d have to find sitters anyway to either stay overnight or with my rambunctious boys during the conference.

That’s why I created the Adoption HEART Conference!

To provide adoptive parents (& prospective adoptive parents) a convenient way to get the training and tools they need to effectively parent traumatized kids.

The Adoption HEART Conference is an online event so that means no travel and no childcare, plus you can watch the conference sessions at your convenience. Plus it’s free to watch during the conference! – all you have to do is sign up.

You’ll get free access to sessions with over 20 adoption experts to give you incredible insight into the mind and heart of our children from hard places.

Check out these incredible sessions:

Replacing Your Child’s Fear with Love: Powerful Strategies to Stop Difficult Behavior

Bryan Post

Growing Up White: An Open Discussion with a Transracial Adoptee

Rhonda Roorda

How to Choose Which Adoption is Best for Your Family

Dawn Davenport (of CreatingAFamily.org)

What You Might Not Know About Birthmother Grief & Loss

Ashley Mitchell (birthmother of BigToughGirl.com)

What They Don’t Tell You About International Adoption

Sharla Kostelyk (of ChaosAndTheClutter.com)

How to Choose Which Adoption is Best for Your Family

Lori Holden (of LavenderLuz.com)

From Adoptee to Adoptive Parent: Overcoming Your Past to Parent Traumatized Children

Jillian Lauren (New York Times bestselling author)

What Parents MUST Know About Adoptee Identity, Grief & Loss

Sherrie Eldridge (author, adult adoptee)

Seeing Trauma through Your Child’s Eyes: Tips from a Former Foster Kid

Chadwick Sapenter (former foster youth)

What Really Happens to Kids Who Age Out of Foster Care & What You Can Do About It

Gianna Dahlia (Executive Director of TogetherWeRise.org)

How Attachment Has More to Do with YOU than Your Child

Marshall Lyles (of the Center for Relational Care)

How to Recognize Prenatal Exposure & Its Complex Effects on Your Adopted Child

Melissa Fredin (of Minnesota Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome)

It’s Not Behavior, It’s Neurological: How Trauma Imbalances Your Child’s Brain

Dr. Rob Melillo (of Brain Balance Centers)

How Compassion Fatigue & Secondary Trauma Can Unknowingly Invade Foster & Adoptive Families

Amy Sugeno (trauma therapist)

How to Integrate Two Parenting Styles & Diffuse Conflicts in Your Marriage

Mike Berry (of ConfessionsOfAnAdoptiveParent.com)

How to Integrate Adoption into Your Home, Life & Work to Make a Difference in the World

Tamara Lackey (photographer, activist, adoptive mom)

How to Help Your Child Overcome Their Past Trauma with a Trust-Based Parenting Intervention

Debra Jones (author, parenting coach, adoptive mom)

How to Use Animals & Pets to Help Regulate Your Traumatized Child

Lindsey Bussey (equine therapist)

How to Develop an Effective Plan to Intentionally Parent Challenging Behaviors in Adopted Children

Stacy Manning (author, parenting coach)

How to Help Your Foster & Adopted Children Rise Up from the Depths of Trauma & Low Self-Esteem

Dr. Sue Cornbluth (therapist, parenting expert)

Tough Decisions When Parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder

John M. Simmons (author, adoptive dad)

Could Your Child’s Behavior Actually Be Sensory Processing Disorder?

Marti Smith (occupational therapist)

Creating this Adoption HEART Conference has significantly changed my view of adoption — now I feel that I can see through the lens of my adopted children about the adoptee loss that they WILL eventually experience.

Be sure and go to AdoptionHEARTconference.com to check out all the sessions and claim your free ticket to this life-changing event. Please share with your friends, agencies, and caseworkers!

9:57 am by Penelope

The Alphabet Soup of Foster Care Acronyms

When you first become a foster parent and become involved in the foster care industry, there are a number of acronyms you need to know to keep from getting confused by the alphabet soup. If you are part of my private Facebook group for foster parents, you will be seeing many of these acronyms in posts in the community.

THE MOST IMPORTANT FOSTER CARE ACRONYMS TO KNOW:

AD – Adopted Daughter – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents) – Can also have a number behind it to designate the child’s age.

ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder – This is what ADD looks like in the classroom through the eyes of a child.

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – Here are some ideas for toys to get your active child.

AS – Adopted Son (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents) – Can also have a number behind it to designate the child’s age.

BD – Birth Dad or Bio-Dad – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents)

BF – Birth Family or Bio-Family – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents)

BM – Birth Mother or Bio-Mom – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents)

CASA – Court Appointed Special Advocate – a person appointed by the court to advocate for abused or neglected children. Read more about the CASA volunteer organization.

CPS – Child Protective Services – a governmental agency in many US states responsible for investigating reports of abuse and neglect of children.

CW – Case Worker

DSS – Department of Social Services – state agency that is in charge of social programs, including those for children in foster care.

ED – Emotionally Disturbed – term defined in US Federal law used for children with such severe emotional problems that adversely affects their ability to learn in an educational setting.

FAS – Fetal Alcohol Syndrome – the most severe type of FASD in which affected children exhibit certain facial features such as small eye openings, a thin upper lip, and a smooth philtrum (the groove between nose and upper lip).

Photo courtesy AAFP

FASD – Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder – the physical, neurological and mental birth defects caused by a woman’s consumption of alcohol during pregnancy.

FD – Foster Daughter – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents) – Can also have a number behind it to designate the child’s age.

FMLA – Family Medical Leave Act – United States federal law requiring larger employers to provide employees unpaid leave for serious health conditions, to care for a sick family member, or to care for a newborn or adopted or foster child.

FS – Foster Son – (used in forums and my private Facebook group for foster parents) – Can also have a number behind it to designate the child’s age.

FTT – Failure to Thrive – Underdevelopment and lack of growth in a child. Symptoms include: Height, weight, and head circumference below standard growth charts. Weight is lower than 3rd percentile of standard growth charts.

GAL – Guardian Ad Litem – a person appointed by the court to represent the “best interest of the child”

HIPAA – Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act – Federal law that make it easier for people to keep health insurance, protect the confidentiality and security of healthcare information

ICAMA – Interstate Compact on Adoption and Medical Assistance – an agreement between state that ensures continued provision of all of the benefits of an adoption subsidy agreement, including Medicaid services, regardless of the state of residence of the child,

ICPC – Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children – a statutory agreement between all 50 states that governs the placement of children from one state into another state. It sets forth the requirements that must be met before a child can be placed out of state,

ICWA – Indian Child Welfare Act – Federal law that regulates custody and placement of Native American children not only in foster care, but also in adoption proceedings. The law gives preference to a child’s extended family or to a member of the child’s tribe over a non-Native American adoptive parent.

IDEA – Individuals with Disabilities Education Act – US Federal law that requires schools to provide students with a disability an education that is tailored to their individual special needs.

IEP – Individualized Educational Plan – an individualized document that is required for a child who receives special education services and is designed to address each child’s unique learning issues and include specific educational goals.

MAPP – Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting – training approach to help prospective foster and adoptive parents make the decision to pursue foster parenting or adoption. (13 states use this training model)

ODD – Oppositional Defiant Disorder – A disorder in a child marked by defiant and disobedient behavior to authority figures.

OHI – Other Health Impairment – a chronic condition that causes struggles in the classroom, such as ADD, ADHD, epilepsy, Tourette syndrome.

PRIDE – Parent Resources for Information, Development, and Education – training for foster, adoptive, and kinship parents. (Texas, Illinois, and New Jersey use this training program)

PS-MAPP – Partnering for Safety and Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting – training approach to help prospective foster and adoptive parents make the decision to pursue foster parenting or adoption. (Florida and Massachusetts uses this training program)

RAD – Reactive Attachment Disorder – a condition found in children who may have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers — usually their mothers — before age 5, Here are 22 signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder.

RT – Residential Treatment – a live-in facility that provides mental health and behavioral treatment. How you know it’s time for Residential Treatment.

SLP – Speech Language Pathologist

SW – Social Worker

TIPS-MAPP – Trauma Informed Partnering for Safety and Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting – training approach to help prospective foster/adoptive parents understand the commitment to bring traumatized children into their home. (Kansas uses this teaching model)

TPR – Termination of Parental Rights – an involuntary legal removal of a parent’s rights to their children through the judicial system

WIC – Women, Infants and Children – Federal program that provides vouchers for food and formula for infants and children under 5 years old. Foster children are automatically eligible.

If you are a foster or adoptive parent, we’d love to have you join our private Facebook community to ask questions from others who have been there. You don’t have to go this journey alone!

11:54 am by Penelope

Is Adoption Really Everything You’ve Ever Wanted?

What people don’t tell you about adoption is the trauma that a child experiences can take hold of a family and cast doubts on the dreams of a happily ever after. I recently read the memoir of adult adoptee Jillian Lauren, Everything You Ever Wanted, about her and her husband’s adoption of their son from Ethiopia. She’s a beautiful writer that has an ability to make you visualize in great detail as if you were on the adoption journey with her.

What I liked about her story is that she told it with honesty without the sugar coating that many adoption stories have. She didn’t paint the story as all rainbows and sunshine. She had struggles and was willing to share those hard parts too. Unless you’ve adopted and truly understand the transition to attachment and bonding, you naively don’t realize that there is a process to attachment. Sometimes it isn’t easy, and that’s what I loved about her story.

She begins her story with her courtship and marriage to Scott Shriver, member of the rock group, Weezer, and being a “rock star wife.” After her previous life that included drug use, rehab, and the sex industry, I did want to know more about if she struggled with feeling loved unconditionally by her husband. Did she struggle with jealousy or low self-esteem in their marriage, especially given his status in a rock band followed by millions? What was different about Scott? But this is their real life, and keeping that part of their relationship between them is probably a good thing for their marriage. Marriage is between two people and the public doesn’t need to to know everything.

In Everything I Ever Wanted, Jillian gives an entertaining account of her infertility journey – if you like roller coasters! It reminds me of what desperate measures a woman will go through to have a baby. I was reminded how desperate I too felt as an infertile!

“Everybody keeps telling us us that if we’d just relax already, we’d get pregnant.”

“What do I really want? A Mini-Me or a family?”

Desperate times calls for desperate measures is a more-than-accurate motto of this part of Jillian’s adoption story, and her most desperate attempt to get pregnant had me literally laughing out loud, gasping for air.

She does share her struggles with feeling fit to be a mother given her colorful past. She openly shares her journey of attachment parenting, taking us on the ride with her as she struggles to find the solution to her child’s behavior issues. And I also struggle with parenting a child that suffered early neglect. Like us, when her child’s behavior became overwhelming, she sought out all sorts of help for her child. I too struggled in finding a daycare that my son could thrive in.

I could really relate to her struggle to parent in a different way via attachment parenting. It’s true that it’s not your first instinct to love on a child when they are acting like a demon.

“I’ll be honest, when the tantrums come, “Mommy is here. I’m not going anywhere. You’re safe” are NOT the first words that come to mind. The first words that come to mind are, “Stop throwing sh*t at me and get in the f-ing car already!”

In Everything You Ever Wanted, Jillian shares what she’s learned in her adoption journey. Things I didn’t realize ahead of time. When you bring your child home, “keep close to home, keep stimulation and distraction minimal, and stay present in the moment.” She shares what she learned about parenting trauma.

What I especially liked about Everything You Ever Wanted is its open, honest inner dialog of a heart-touching, heart-breaking journey to parenting — of getting everything you ever wanted and what you didn’t, but, in the end, knowing you wouldn’t want it any other way!

Click to sign up to see my in-depth interview with Jillian in the Adoption HEART Conference – an online adoption event.

11:10 pm by Penelope

When Foster Parenting is More Than You Bargained For

Emergency foster care placement is what we were labeled. Most parents have months to prepare for their child arriving into the world. We only had 4 days! Less than 1 week of scrambling for clothes, toys, lawyers, and paperwork. So. Much. Paperwork! We joke that no labor pains were needed, the papercuts were harsh enough! At the time, we didn’t know if we were going to have children in our home for a week or 2 days.

We received the phone call that we were licensed foster parents, and to come to the DHS office immediately to pick up our new placements. At 4:30 p.m. on January 28th, I met 2 children, with the clothes on their back, broken shoes (our little girl was even walking on the heels of hers as she couldn’t fit her foot into the unmatched shoes she had on), a backpack each with a pair of socks and a change of underwear. A stuffed animal they were given by one of the case workers still sits on our living room shelf.

When our foster kids came to stay with us, we just knew it wouldn’t be permanent. These two scared children needed a roof over their heads and stability immediately. Even though they were to stay for a short time, we fell in love. We had no idea what was going to happen right around the corner.

Like most foster parents, we had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into, and the toll that parenting traumatized children would have on us as adults.

Although these children were safe from the abuse — for an entire year, they had to re-experience the memory of their abuse over and over through continued visitation with their biological parents who had hurt them. After these visits, their behaviors escalated, even to the heartbreaking point of self-harm!

At times, we weren’t sure if we were going to make it — our marriage was challenged on a whole new level, along with our own personal sanities. We experienced intense challenges in our home life — from having only plastic silverware accessible, 24-hour watches, daily trips to the school, multiple therapeutic appointments every week. We were spending over 30 hours a week in the car driving to appointments, and sitting in waiting rooms! We were physically and emotionally exhausted!

What kept us going is our faith and our strength within each other – and we are still learning that one! We kept going because every adult that had cared for these two children, had either given up or harmed them to unimaginable lengths.

But, over time, these children have overcome. They eventually learned that no matter what, we were there to support them. They could not see us cry. We were it. And, no matter what, we had to keep moving forward. We were their constant. AND WE MADE PANCAKES WITH BLUEBERRIES!!

We still have our challenges. There is a hurdle daily. The trauma these children experienced will unfortunately be something they will have to continually overcome. They are learning what it is like to be loved, challenged, corrected, nurtured, cherished, and most importantly, parented.

So here we are. Over 2 years later. A permanent family. The Limbourgs, party of 4!

The Limbourgs were married in 2007 and tried to start a family right away. After years of infertility treatments, they looked into foster care after having a dream. Little did they know, that was their calling for their family foundation. They have a small farm in rural Oregon with goats, alpacas, chickens and bunnies. Their children are now involved in 4-H, and are loving every minute of it!

9:12 am by Penelope

How Secondary Trauma Affects Your Other Children

If you bring traumatized children into your home, the traumatic events that they suffered through can take its toll on you, the caregiver, even to the point that you can begin to suffer from secondary traumatic stress (STS). Read more on STS and stress management tips.

Secondary traumatic stress occurs when someone is repeatedly exposed, directly or even indirectly, to trauma or suffering. Secondary trauma develops due to the stress the parent or caregiver experiences from helping or wanting to help a traumatized child. Sometimes a foster parent or caregiver can even be at risk of developing the same symptoms as the child directly affected by the trauma. A person is especially vulnerable to secondary trauma stress if they’ve experienced previous trauma.

But as a foster/adoptive parents, we understand how living with trauma affects us, but we are just beginning to realize how raising a traumatized child is traumatizing our other children. Children are especially susceptible to secondary trauma because of their limited ability to understand the traumatic experiences surrounding them. Young children struggle to make sense of trauma and are completely dependent on adults for their emotional and physical needs.

To me, it doesn’t seem that adoptive families have truly been informed about this ripple effect of trauma. I know I wasn’t. Sure, trauma-informed care is just now beginning to be discussed in foster parent training, but many of us became foster parents before this latest buzzword began making the rounds.

Trauma affects everyone in the home.

When my son, JD, was a toddler, we added another baby boy to our family. We were excited for JD to have a brother to bond with and have as a companion growing up and into adulthood. They are brothers and love each other. When one gets in trouble, the other takes up for him. However, we didn’t know the extent of JD’s trauma, and how that trauma would affect our family.

JD’s trauma is intense, although he doesn’t remember his infant neglect, but when he feels hunger or has a drop in blood sugar, his primal fear of hunger takes over and my cheerful, sweet child becomes a totally different person. (He has had his blood sugar tested numerous times, and no physiological problems exists with his blood sugar.)

As the parents, we have struggled through secondary trauma. But what about our youngest? How has growing up under the effects of trauma affected him? Did our baby inadvertently grow up in fear? How did he not?

Signs of Secondary Trauma

Emotional Indicators: anger, sadness, anxiety
Physical Indicators: headaches, tummy aches, constipation
Personal Indicators: cynicism, irritability with family members

As I look through this list, I’m saddened see how each member of our family shows indicators of secondary trauma. What are we doing to help our other child?

Counseling: An important part of healing. We will continue counseling for both our children, of course.

Evaluation: Evaluate your family situation. We are currently taking a break from foster parenting to focus on healing the current members of our family. But before that, our personal standard had become to only add foster children to our family that are younger than our youngest. We’ve learned that trauma shouldn’t be modeled to our younger children.

Individual Attention: Also, because our LilBit has grown up under all this trauma and stress, we’ve made the decision to homeschool him this next school year. Through homeschooling, he will finally receive the one-on-one attention he usually doesn’t get when his brother’s needs overshadow everyone else’s. We are excited about the possibilities of how our homeschool adventure can help heal each member of our family.

Through sharing my struggles of parenting trauma publicly with you, my hope is that you will be truly informed about trauma and its effects on your entire family. I also hope that you seriously evaluate your family when introducing trauma to your young children.

I still advocate foster parenting, but I also desire that both your eyes and heart are open to all that journey entails.

1:27 pm by Penelope

Don’t Miss These Sessions at the online Adoption HEART Conference

I’m so excited!!! The Adoption HEART Conference finally takes off!

With over 20 video sessions with experts of various experiences and views on adoption, the Adoption HEART Conference is an invaluable resource for adoptive parents or those planning to adopt. These interviews have changed me.

Because it’s all online, you can watch the Adoption HEART Conference from the comfort of your home – and – best of all – you don’t have to find childcare!!!

Check out this list of the amazing sessions:

DAY 1

Kickoff – Host Penelope Webster: How the Adoption HEART Conference Changed Me

Bryan Post – Replacing Your Child’s Fear with Love: Powerful Strategies to Stop Difficult Behaviors

Rhonda Roorda – Growing Up White: An Open Discussion with a Transracial Adoptee

DAY 2

Dawn Davenport – How to Choose Which Adoption Options is Best for Your Family

Ashley Mitchell – What You Might Not Know About Birthmother Grief & Loss

Sharla Kostelyk – What They Don’t Tell You about International Adoption

Lori Holden – How to Have Openness in Adoption (Even in Foster Care & International Adoptions)

DAY 3

Jillian Lauren – From Adoptee to Adoptive Parent: One Mom’s Journey to Overcome Her Past to Parent Her Traumatized Children

Sherrie Eldridge – What Parents MUST Know About Adoptee Identity, Grief & Loss

Chadwick Sapenter – Seeing Trauma through Your Child’s Eyes: Tips from a Former Foster Kid

Gianna Dahlia – What Really Happens to Kids Who Age Out of Foster Care & What You Can Do About It

DAY 4

Marshall Lyles – How Attachment Has More to Do with YOU than Your Child

Melissa Fredin – How to Recognize Prenatal Exposure & Its Complex Effects on Your Adopted Child Today & Tomorrow

Dr. Rob Melillo – Brain Balance: How Trauma Changes Your Child’s Brain & Behavior

Marti Smith – Could Your Child’s Behavior Actually Be Sensory Processing Disorder? How Trauma Affects the Senses & Behavior

John M. Simmons – Tough Decisions when Parenting Reactive Attachment Disorder

DAY 5

Amy Sugeno – It Could Happen to You: How Compassion Fatigue & Secondary Trauma Can Overtake Foster and Adoptive Families

Mike Berry – How to Integrate Two Parenting Styles & Diffuse Conflicts in Your Marriage

Tamara Lackey – How to Integrate Adoption into Your Home, Life & Work

Debra Jones – How to Help Your Child Overcome Their Past Trauma with a Trust-Based Parenting Intervention

DAY 6

Lindsey Bussey – How to Use Animals & Pets to Help Regulate Your Traumatized Child

Dr. Sue Cornbluth – How to Help Your Foster & Adopted Children Rise Up from the Depths of Trauma & Low Self-Esteem

Stacy Manning – How to Develop an Effective Plan to Intentionally Parent Challenging Behaviors in Adopted Children

LIVE Closing Panel – Host, Penelope Webster hosts a Live Panel Discussion

This project has been a labor of love for you, the adoptive parent, and after months of planning, and hours of web development, and numerous interviews with various adoption experts, the Adoption HEART Conference is ready to bless you.

You don’t want to miss this! Get your free ticket now! See you Soon!

2:39 pm by Penelope

Free Online Adoption Conference

The Adoption HEART Conference is almost here!!! I’m so excited!! {disclosure: I’m really nervous!!} The Adoption HEART Conference is a free online event.

As an adoptive parent, I’ve struggled with navigating the unique challenges that come with parenting traumatized children. Yes, there are some incredible conferences and trainings available to foster and adoptive parents, but I just can’t jump on a plane to attend. And even if I could, my kids do not travel well at all!

Plus, most adoption conferences and trainings don’t provide childcare so that means I’d still have the hassle of finding sitters to either stay overnight or agree to stay with my rambunctious boys during the conference.

That’s why I created the Adoption HEART Conference!
To provide adoptive parents (& prospective adoptive parents) a convenient way to get the training and tools we need to effectively parent traumatized kids.

The Adoption HEART Conference is an online event so that means no travel and no childcare, plus you can watch the conference sessions at your convenience. Plus it’s free during the conference upon email signup.

You’ll have free access to sessions with over 20 adoption experts to give you incredible insight into the mind and heart into our children from hard places. The speakers include Bryan Post, Dr. Sue Cornbluth, Dr. Rob Melillo of Brain Balance, former foster youth Chadwick Sapenter, and world-renowned photographer Tamara Lackey — plus many others!

During the Adoption HEART Conference, we will be digging deep into tough conversations about adoptee loss, grief and identity with adult adoptee Sherry Eldridge, transracial adoptee Rhonda Roorda, and New York Times bestselling author Jillian Lauren. And don’t miss the session where birthmother Ashley Mitchell shares her heartbreaking loss when she placed her son for adoption. These interviews have significantly changed my view of adoption so that I can now see through the lens of my children that were adopted through a loss that they WILL eventually experience.

We will be covering the important topics of attachment, and the effects of trauma on the brain. You’ll learn about reactive attachment disorder, sensory processing disorder, fetal alcohol and drug exposure.

You’ll learn strategies to effectively deal with difficult behaviors, build self-esteem and trust, and even how to use pets to help heal your child from trauma. But you’ll also learn important topics about yourself, your attachment style, marriage survival, and compassion fatigue.

Be sure and go to AdoptionHEARTconference.com to check out all the session and claim your free ticket to this life-changing event. See you there!