Foster2Forever

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A Foster Child’s Grief

“This isn’t happening to me!  I can’t believe it! My mom wouldn’t just give me away. She loves me. But why would she choose HIM over me, after what he did to us? I can’t believe she would choose HIM! She didn’t even say goodbye. Why would she sign me away right before my birthday? I hate her! Maybe if I would’ve been better she wouldn’t have chose to stay with HIM and she would have wanted me. I should have been better. I shouldn’t have talked back to her. It’s all my fault! I wish I were dead.”
Free Overexposed Faux Vintage Film Scared Crying Child Creative Commons
The above statement is only loosely based on the story of one of our foster children.  Some of these statements I heard at different times while she was in our home. A child going through the grief of losing her birth family.

A foster child may experience a very real grief – a grief much like grief experienced when a loved one dies. The saddest part is that many foster children don’t move through the stages of grief to final acceptance.

Denial – Usually is a short phase of grief until reality sets in; however, due to the deceit she experienced with her birth family, our foster child could never really trust that what happened: truly did happen.  Some foster children can have such serious issues of trust, that they can stay in this stage, literally  denying everything in their life and blaming others for their circumstances. Is this why some cannot take responsibility for their actions?

Anger – How many foster children get stuck in this stage?

Bargaining – “If only I were a good kid, this wouldn’t happen.” “If only, I would have…” Sadly this stage brings about feelings of guilt which moves to the next stage.

Depression – How many foster children are taking some sort of anti-depressant to deal with their losses? How many are stuck in this stage?

Acceptance – Sadly our foster child could never really accept her loss. Foster families were “fake families” and she was simply waiting for her 18th birthday to run back to her real family. How many of our youth in foster care have accepted their loss and moved on?

What is your experience with foster children and stages of grief?

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6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

open-adoption-in-foster-care

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark).  I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now!  My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues.  We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything!  If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

Foster Care Open Adoption **Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness.  These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort).  Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart.  As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones.  As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary.  These children have been hurt once before.  Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears.  On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)!  After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings.  They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse.  Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long.  Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen.  NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state.  I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child.  After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother.  Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness.  Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.)  When I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him.  (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship?  Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable!  Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level!   Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet.  Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them.  A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free.  It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids.  I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using…   Educate yourselves!  And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!!  Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations.  It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you.  Be honest in your dealings!  Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are.  They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!!  I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members.  Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us.  The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family.  They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time…  Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her.  Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children.  Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception.  Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries.  Some of our boundaries include:

  • No babysitting!
  • She is never alone with the girls.  We always do “family activities”.
  • No showing up without an invitation.
  • No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same!  If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place.  If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over.  If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them!  Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable.  Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all.  If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment.  If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children.  If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth.  Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back  in the situation where they originated from.  DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement!  Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option.  Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no.  (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!)   Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive.  Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship.  Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open.  Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact.  As parents, do what works best for your family!!  This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us.  We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much.  She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

Foster Care Open Adoption“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.”  Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another.  As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.

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HOW TO MAKE 3 FAMILIES INTO 1 (Blending Families)

PHOTO CAPTION CONTEST WINNER
The winner of yesterday’s photo caption contest is Denver Laura of Fertility Alphabet Soup who is making the leap from fertility treatments to foster care.  This month, she had the joy of an 8-month-old baby boy in her home and then the disappointment of his leaving with a relative. Go give her a *BIG* virtual hug!!!

BLENDING FOSTER KIDS INTO ONE FAMILY
Now – Say a BIG “Howdy” to La Mama Loca, a foster mom that has adopted 5 of her foster children! Her family of 7 is about to move from the Midwest to Puerto Rico…

Hello and thanks for reading about our crazy family! Just over five years ago, my husband and I jumped on the foster care roller coaster adventure. Never did we imagine the ride that was in store for us!
In January of 2006, we received our first call, three children, ages and names unknown.  That list of questions to ask before you take a placement….right out the window! All we knew when we went to pick them up several hours later was that there was 1 boy and 2 girls, they were approximately 3, 4, and 5 yrs old, sick, and none spoke a word of English.
Papa Loco, my husband, is fluent in Spanish, and I know enough to be dangerous! We picked the kids up around 7 in the evening and from then on out, our lives changed dramatically!  While I had a degree in Education and we had both been around children all our lives, for the first time, we were totally responsible for these precious lives! It was a bit scary, but we made it through!  I think back to those early days and I am amazed at how we all clicked and made it work.  Going from no children to three children does not work for everyone, but for us, it did.  Due to the nature of the kids case, we were still unsure of their full names and ages until about 2 weeks into the case:
  • Smarty Pants had just turned 5 years old, less than two weeks before we got him.
  • Sweet Thing was 3, almost 4 years old.
  • Drama Mama was 2.5….and every bit her nickname!

Over the next few years, we added other foster children into our home.  Almost a year into their placement, we added Goofy Girl.  She had been a pre-adoptive placement and been doing (free) respite from 14 mos-18 mos.  The kids were so excited to have her finally move in.  They have always had warm and loving hearts and welcomed her in.

For the first two years of the older three’s case, and first year of GG’s case, we had no parental visits.  This is rare.  We took it for granted.  After a year in care, Goofy Girl’s bio mom showed up…demanding visits.  This time she had her boyfriend, who she claimed was GG’s bio father, in tow.  Visits were hard.  Very hard!  From 11 mos-2 yrs old, GG had no contact with her bio mom.  I was her mom, Papa Loco was her Papa.  It took many months for her to feel comfortable with leaving our sides.
Several months later, we added La Loquita to our family….Goofy Girl’s sister.  She was with us from 1.5 months old to 7 months.  She had a short 3 months reunification with bio mom, but surprise, we got a call one late night saying she’d been removed again…did we want her back?? Of course, she was our baby girl!

At that point, we had 6 children in our home.  We also had Chunky Monkey…the 1/2 brother of the older three kids.  He was with us for the first year of his life.  The kids did not know he was their 1/2 brother right away.  We were really torn on how to handle this issue.  They had no contact with their bio family.  For two years, we had no idea where their bio mother was, if she was dead or alive.  It was a total out of the blue call telling us that Chunky Monkey existed and was in care! CM had weekly visitation with bio mom and his father.  He went home at 13 months old.  This was very hard for the kids.  They were very very very concerned about him, if bio mom was making good choices, if he was safe. Losing him was heartbreaking for all of us.  Yet we also saw God’s hand on the situation.  While bio mom made a lot of stupid choices in those past few years, she also realized it.  She worked hard to get Chunky Monkey back.  We developed a relationship with her, that while it has its ups and downs, has been a blessing. We now have frequent contact with Chunky Monkey, Mr. Macho, and La Gorda, the other two half siblings.

We have now finalized the adoption of our 5 children.

Each set of cases last 3.5 years from placement to adoption.
Ages at placement:
Smarty Pants-5, Sweet Thing-3, Drama Mama-2, Goofy Girl-11 mo, La Loquita-1 mo.
Ages at adoption:
Smarty Pants-8, Sweet Thing-7, Drama Mama-6, Goofy Girl-4, La Loquita-2.

We have, by the grace of God, managed to blend three families into one.  We have an open adoption with both bio mothers, but currently, only contact with 1.  We know we are not the only family these children have.  With boundaries, we have managed to have good relationships with extended bio family.  The kids know there are biological differences amongst them.  We talk a lot about how we are a family formed by adoption with a lot of people to love them.  Like any group of 5 siblings, they bicker and fight.  Yet they also have a very tight bond that no one can tear apart.

Love has brought our family together in a way, we never imagined.  We continue to pray about adding more children to our family!  We can’t get enough crazy in our lives!

I’m Clever

Sway