open adoption Archives - Foster2Forever

2:39 pm by Penelope

Free Online Adoption Conference

The Adoption HEART Conference is almost here!!! I’m so excited!! {disclosure: I’m really nervous!!} The Adoption HEART Conference is a free online event.

As an adoptive parent, I’ve struggled with navigating the unique challenges that come with parenting traumatized children. Yes, there are some incredible conferences and trainings available to foster and adoptive parents, but I just can’t jump on a plane to attend. And even if I could, my kids do not travel well at all!

Plus, most adoption conferences and trainings don’t provide childcare so that means I’d still have the hassle of finding sitters to either stay overnight or agree to stay with my rambunctious boys during the conference.

That’s why I created the Adoption HEART Conference!
To provide adoptive parents (& prospective adoptive parents) a convenient way to get the training and tools we need to effectively parent traumatized kids.

The Adoption HEART Conference is an online event so that means no travel and no childcare, plus you can watch the conference sessions at your convenience. Plus it’s free during the conference upon email signup.

You’ll have free access to sessions with over 20 adoption experts to give you incredible insight into the mind and heart into our children from hard places. The speakers include Bryan Post, Dr. Sue Cornbluth, Dr. Rob Melillo of Brain Balance, former foster youth Chadwick Sapenter, and world-renowned photographer Tamara Lackey — plus many others!

During the Adoption HEART Conference, we will be digging deep into tough conversations about adoptee loss, grief and identity with adult adoptee Sherry Eldridge, transracial adoptee Rhonda Roorda, and New York Times bestselling author Jillian Lauren. And don’t miss the session where birthmother Ashley Mitchell shares her heartbreaking loss when she placed her son for adoption. These interviews have significantly changed my view of adoption so that I can now see through the lens of my children that were adopted through a loss that they WILL eventually experience.

We will be covering the important topics of attachment, and the effects of trauma on the brain. You’ll learn about reactive attachment disorder, sensory processing disorder, fetal alcohol and drug exposure.

You’ll learn strategies to effectively deal with difficult behaviors, build self-esteem and trust, and even how to use pets to help heal your child from trauma. But you’ll also learn important topics about yourself, your attachment style, marriage survival, and compassion fatigue.

Be sure and go to AdoptionHEARTconference.com to check out all the session and claim your free ticket to this life-changing event. See you there!

7:56 am by Penelope

Brothers Adopted by Different Families

Two days before we adopted our LilBit, I received a surprising call that LilBit’s birthmother had a newborn Baby Brother. We were the first family called so siblings could be together. We lamented on the decision of whether to have Baby Brother join our family.

Could we handle THREE rambunctious little boys, especially at our age?

Declining the placement of LilBit’s Baby Brother was the most heart-wrenching decision I’ve ever had to make. That one decision would change not only our lives, but so many other lives too.

We have been blessed in that Baby Brother has an incredible family, and he is their pride and joy! We have an open relationship with Baby Brother’s family and see each other occasionally.

Here are two brothers exhausted from swimming.

Can you figure out which little boy is our LilBit and which is his Baby Brother? Even LilBit can’t tell the difference!

9:30 am by Penelope

The Gift of an Open Adoption – Even in Foster Care

Never have I struggled so much to compose a blog. I must have opened and closed my computer 100 times mulling over the angle to take on this topic. Ironically, that is much like open adoption itself; One thousand different options. Wikipedia quotes an author that nicely explains “Adoption is like marriage. There are countless ways that a marriage can work. What is right for one couple will not work for another. Adoptions are the same.”

So instead of telling you what an open adoption should look like, I am going to tell you about our open adoptions. I truly believe they are one of the greatest gifts I can give to my kids.

My relationship with our kids’ parents did not start under the best circumstances. As a foster parent, it was a challenge to form a relationship in the midst of a negative situation. Watching the family interactions, I immediately found “the good” in the parents’ love. My kids are loved very much by their biological parents.

As our first case progressed, so did my relationship with my son’s parents. I had a very emotional meeting with his mother where we discussed contact and visits. His parents were so grateful to know that we would maintain communication that they voluntarily terminated their rights (essentially choosing us to be his parents). We have agreed to annual visits and twice yearly updates, though we have more frequent email communication. Our first visit went very well. He looks JUST like his mom, and I love that he will have a relationship with her.

With our second case, the circumstances were a little different. I wrote our daughter’s mom a heartfelt letter explaining how we loved her, and she would always know she was loved by her mom. The response was overwhelming. A gift basket with multiple cards of gratitude, a book stating we had changed her life and a few gifts for our daughter – including a children’s bible. That simple act of a letter opened up a floodgate and the first show of interest in a relationship. We will maintain contact through the agency and consider visitation if appropriate in the future.

Ironically, in the middle of this writing, we have come to a necessary decision to move from unsupervised to supervised contact with extended biological family to protect our daughter. It is a beautiful thing to allow communication and foster the relationship. It is also important that it is appropriate. To this, I would just add, when discerning the extent of openness it is important to enact clear boundaries. I am grateful to have learned this quickly for myself. Err on the side of less and offer more if it seems appropriate down the road.

Ultimately, don’t let fear of open adoption keep you from moving forward. Everything about adoption is a journey. It took training, prayer and time for us to embrace the idea. And it took sitting face to face with a birthmother to get it. Our family has grown as a result of our openess and we hope our children will always be blessed by this gift.

Elisabeth has desired motherhood since puberty. She was blessed to meet Mr. Right & wed in 2002. The road to parenthood was long, filled with tears & suffering. In 2007, they were blessed with their miracle “Rosie” thanks to the help of NaPro Technology. With secondary infertility, Elisabeth & Mr. Right entered the world of foster care. They adopted “Augie” in 2011 and hope to adopt “Caite” this spring. Elisabeth is an at home mom, who twilight’s as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Elisabeth blogs at Blessed and Broken.

9:00 am by Penelope

Take a Chance on a Foster Child

Most prospective adoptive parents are afraid of the idea of fostering. We were too.

We did not want to care for a child for years and then give them back. We wanted to adopt. If fear had stopped us, we would not have been twice blessed by the tremendous gift of adoption through foster care.

Our first adoption attempt was through a domestic agency. We were seeking the placement of an infant. Wait times were upwards of two years. During that wait, we were extremely blessed by a surprise conception after four years of infertility. This also disqualified us from moving forward with infant adoption through that agency.

When secondary infertility became apparent, it was much easier to pick up where we left off. Except, our first agency only placed to childless couples. There was also the issue of finances. I left my job when Rosie was born and without a second income, we could not foresee raising the necessary funds to adopt.

Around that same time, a friend was in the process of back to back adoptions from our county foster care agency. Their first placement was a baby boy, who they picked up from the hospital. Their second placement was a four year old boy. I watched as over time these precious little boys so completely merged into their family. It was, perhaps, the first “adoption story” I witnessed in real time, in real life.

Their example allowed me to pick up the phone and call our county. We began training the following month. Two months later we received our first call. An interview was scheduled. There was a 2 month old boy in need of an adoptive resource family…would we accept him? We had not even finished our training yet! We were emergency certified and brought him home a week later.

He was the sweetest little red head with curly hair. He came into our home sick, and that sickness wiped out our entire family for a month. The transition was rough. Bonding was slow. A friend had advised me to keep a guarded heart. His birth parents were obviously upset about his placement in foster care. They clearly loved him. At his weekly visits, we slowly got to know one another. They were nice people with difficult lives. It was not likely they would be getting him back.

In July, we adopted Augie, 16 months after he was placed in our home. We have an open relationship with his birth parents and I can truly say I love them. We had such a good experience with round one of fostering that we accepted our second placement weeks after our first adoption. Our foster daughter just turned one and we are in the FWW (four week wait – from termination of parental rights). We are hoping for a spring adoption…which would put us at about 10 months from placement to adoption in her case.

Had we not taken the chance on foster care we could still be waiting to adopt.

Elisabeth has desired motherhood since puberty. She was blessed to meet Mr. Right & wed in 2002. The road to parenthood was long, filled with tears & suffering. In 2007, they were blessed with their miracle “Rosie” thanks to the help of NaPro Technology. With secondary infertility, Elisabeth & Mr. Right entered the world of foster care. They adopted “Augie” in 2011 and hope to adopt “Caite” this spring. Elisabeth is an at home mom, who twilight’s as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Elisabeth blogs at Blessed and Broken.

9:20 am by Penelope

6 Tips for Open Adoption in Foster Care

Today Foster2Forever is hosting a guest post from Jennifer of The Lark’s Nest who will be writing on the sensitive topic of open adoption…

My name is Jennifer (aka Mama Lark). I am a fellow foster mother and have been doing that for a good 4 years now! My husband and I jumped into foster care immediately after finding out that we struggled with fertility issues. We LOVE our lives as a resource family for our state and we wouldn’t change it for anything! If you want to learn more about my family, please check out our blog.

**Disclaimer: Open Adoption in Foster Care is NOT for everyone!! Not all situations would be advantageous for pursuing openness. These relationships take a great deal of time (and effort). Open foster care adoptions are NOT for the faint of heart. As mothers, our primary responsibility is protecting our little ones. As a foster/adoptive mother, that responsibility is even greater and even more discretion is necessary. These children have been hurt once before. Putting them back into a dangerous situation- whether it be physical or emotional- should be out of the question.

Our journey to parenthood was filled with many trials and tears. On a cool October afternoon, I received a phone call informing me that I would be a mother. Within the week, a beautiful little angel moved into our home (and our hearts)! After 2 adoptions (and 1 more scheduled for April), we are ridiculously proud parents with the support of 2 beautiful birth mothers whom we have lovingly dubbed our “Tummy Mommies”.

Our daughters are biological siblings. They were removed from their birth mothers’ custody for various degrees of neglect stemming from her drug abuse. Miss D was born addicted to drugs, and had developed a muscle weakness in her neck from being left in her car seat too long. Sassy Pants came to us with a urinary tract infection so bad, it hurt when I used the restroom! An open relationship was NOT something I envisioned in the least bit! It just wasn’t going to happen. NO WAY, NO HOW!

As random health issues arose, I looked into the girls’ files and discovered their birth mother had also been a ward of the state. I read through HORRIFIC accounts of her life pre-foster care, and my heart ached for that poor child. After numerous stints in group homes and few “failed” placements, she eventually aged out of foster care as an unwed, drug-addicted mother. Knowing her heartbreaking past, made it easier to find some level of forgiveness. Our open “arrangement” did not happen overnight! (Our youngest was 2 1/2 before I even considered tracking birth mom down.) When I did, I was pleasantly surprised. She had stopped using drugs, had gotten a job, was attending school, found a great guy and was raising a daughter with him. (Believe me- I was skeptical… but she still hasn’t gone back to the old ways.) From her huge lifestyle changes, we were able to form an amazingly strong relationship built on trust and mutual respect.

Do you want a more OPEN relationship? Are you interested in pursuing some version of “open”? Great!! Remember from my earlier disclosure- its NOT for everyone! But for those of you interested in trying it out…

Here is my list of 6 “Non-Negotiables”:

1. the HMMM stage: Plan this out! Ask yourself questions like, how do I WANT this to look?, how will I explain this to our children?, how will I explain this to other people? If all goes well, you will also find yourself asking, how often do we want to visit? Do we want to visit at all? Would it be easier to just exchange photos and emails so many times a year? Should we invite them over for birthdays/holidays? YOU are the one that needs to feel comfortable! Make your plan work for YOU!! Do what is within YOUR comfort level! Once you figure out what YOU are wanting this to look like, set up a time where you and the birth family can meet. Don’t drag your little ones with you until you KNOW that this is a safe situation for them. A pre-meeting will definitely help!

2. follow your guts:If your motherly instinct kicks in and tells you something just isn’t right, it probably isn’t! One of my rules from the get-go was Tummy Mommy could only be around our children if she was drug-free. It would be unrealistic to demand urine tests, but we did other things to make sure it was safe for the kids. I spoke to police officers and counselors about drug addictions and behaviors that could indicate that she was using… Educate yourselves! And even if you think its just a silly reaction- TRUST YOURSELF!! Don’t worry about offending people when your sole priority is keeping your children safe.

3. communicate!: Tell the birthfamily what you are wanting! If you are hoping for this relationship to grow and develop, being upfront about your expectations. It may be awkward and weird, but it’s equally awkward for the person sitting across from you. Be honest in your dealings! Don’t deviate from the plan you created in the HMMM stage! Make sure that these families know that in NO WAY is this a co-parenting situation!!! YOU are the parent, they no longer are. They have no say in the way the child is disciplined, in the child’s schedule, schooling, clothing… ANYTHING!! I also recommend that you come up with what you want the child to call their birth family members. Like I said, Tummy Mommy worked for us. The girls know that they grew in her belly, and are now part of our forever family. They don’t know the exact reasons yet because I don’t feel its appropriate at this point in time… Just make sure you are comfortable with what they call her. Our children are small, so I am not sure what the best method would be for older children. Do some reading & research!

4. BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES! BOUNDARIES!: While you are communication your “HMMMM plan” with the birth families, make sure to set BOUNDARIES!! Every relationship has them, this one should be no exception. Each of us will have different comfort levels which will mean each of our situations will have different boundaries. Some of our boundaries include:

No babysitting!
She is never alone with the girls. We always do “family activities”.
No showing up without an invitation.
No additional people unless they are approved by me.

I ALWAYS made sure I was comfortable in the situation, so I encourage you all to do the same! If you aren’t comfortable with birth families knowing where you live, meet in a public place. If you aren’t comfortable with them knowing what your vehicle looks like, take public transportation to the visit! If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of them posting pictures online, make sure they know that! Tell them if a camera comes out, the visit will be over. If you don’t want them bringing friends, tell them! Do NOT be afraid of setting these boundaries!

5. no flakes allowed: Your time is valuable. Waiting around for a birth parent visit that was supposed to start at ten is not an option!! If you plan on a ten o’clock visit, there needs to be a ten o’clock visit or no visit at all. If there is a serious issue that comes up, that’s one thing… and you should exercise your best judgment. If it becomes habitual, visits are not in the best interest of your children. If seeing their child is not a serious priority to them, don’t put child through the back & forth. Its not fair to the kiddo, and it just places them back in the situation where they originated from. DON’T STAND FOR IT!!!

6. “can I borrow…”: This statement is NOT an option in our arrangement! Gifts around holidays/birthdays are one thing, but loaning money is not an option. Our birth mother has never asked us, and knows that if she did, I would tell her no. (I don’t feel comfortable loaning my little brother things!!) Don’t pay their bills, don’t ask your friends to do them favors, don’t give them cell phones…. just don’t be naive. Taking advantage of me is NOT happening!!

Hopefully these things will be helpful to you in planning/organizing a more open relationship. Please don’t think that I advocate ALL foster care/adoption relationships to be open. Because I do NOT!! There are cases where it is not safe for the child to have any contact. As parents, do what works best for your family!! This relationship has worked out wonderfully for us. We love and appreciate Tummy Mommy so very much. She is a great example of what overcoming the adversary should look like.

“In the end, the number of prayers we say may not be as important as the number of prayers we answer.” Our prayers were answered by our beautiful children and the mistake of another. As long as she is working hard to overcome, we will continue to answer her prayers by letting her know that our children are safe… and oh, so beautiful.