Foster2Forever

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10 Tips for Foster Care Visitation Online

Sometimes children in foster care cannot have face-to-face visitation with parents. During those times, video conferencing is a convenient option. You will need to contact your agency for specific foster care visitation rules.

ZOOM VIDEO

Zoom is a free video conferencing platform that you can easily use on a computer, tablet or mobile device to connect children with their parents virtually.  The Zoom platform allows one user with an account to send a link to other users (only the host has to have a Zoom video account). Mobile devices may require you to download the Zoom app. The free Zoom video plan allows online family visitation of up to 40 minutes with a number of participants.

MARCO POLO

Marco Polo is a video-based messenger that can be used send short videos when scheduling a particular time is difficult. The Marco Polo app is like a video walkie-talkie. It allows you to leave video voicemails that you can check when child is alert and active and respond with cute videos of the child.

MESSENGER KIDS

Facebook has created the Messenger Kids app with numerous parental controls. You can set the app to be active only during particular hours. Messenger for Kids also has numerous filters and games that kids really enjoy. If privacy is an issue, you can set up a Facebook account that you only use for parents and send a request for the parent to connect with the Messenger for Kids app.

foster care visitation rules guidelines online

TIPS FOR FOSTER CARE VISITATION ONLINE

1.  Choose a time of day when the child is alert and active. Avoid times just before or just after naptime.

2.  Use a larger screen device that is just out of reach so children can see screen better.

3.  Contain movement of little ones. Whether the visitation is in their room with the door closed or in a high chair, it will help you from chasing the child down. (We all know how quick toddlers can be)

4.  Have an activity for the child. Children can still communicate with parents while eating a snack, coloring, or playing with toys or Play-Doh.

5.  Give ideas on how to engage with little ones, if parents are open to suggestions. Parents can sing songs, read short story (works best if both child and parent have the same book), talk to kids through a character (sock puppet, stuffed animal, etc).

6.  Suggest more frequent shorter online visitation sessions, especially for younger children, at the discretion of the case worker. Young children will struggle to stay focused on a conversation for any length of time.

7.  Don’t feel pressure to keep children engaged. If kids aren’t engaging much, allow parents to just watch their child play. Video visitation for infants and toddlers are more for the parents to stay connected with their child while they are separated.

8.  Follow the child’s lead for when the call should end. If the child is getting squirmy, tired or cranky, consider scheduling more time later, at the discretion of the case worker.

9.  Prepare for acting out. Seeing you and parents at the same time will be very confusing for little ones. Children will act out the big feelings they can’t communicate. Allow time after calls for the child to de-escalate. Swinging, jumping, or other repetitive movements will help calm the child’s brain.

10. Even if it’s difficult, facilitate a relationship with the parent (with strict boundaries). Keeping children connected to their biological parents is in their best interest, especially as children transition to reunification.

3 tips to make family visits easier for your foster child.

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4 Important Truths a Foster Kid in the NFL Can Teach Foster Parents

Albert Wilson, Jr. is a wide receiver for the Kansas City Chiefs who grew up in Florida’s foster care system.  Albert was placed in the Florida foster system twice – the second time he was in the system for 6 years until he aged out at 18. He had moved from group homes to other foster homes until he finally found security at the age of 16 in the foster home of Brian and Rose Bailey.

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photo of the Baileys via The Kansas City Star

Albert Wilson’s account about his time in foster care demonstrates the far-reaching role foster families can play in a young person’s life.

4 truths that foster parents can learn from Albert Wilson.

1. Your family life may be the only stable home life your foster children have experienced.

Albert learned for the first time in his life what it meant to be together as a family when he moved in with the Baileys.

“Their house was a place I felt safe — even happy. They showed me a side of family I hadn’t seen before, one where everyone was living at the same pace — and in the same place.”

2. Encourage contact with biological family, when possible.

Albert says he was lucky to have been able to still have his parents in his life even though they were in jail. In the Foster2Forever private Facebook group, sometimes foster parents are afraid of their foster children seeing their parents in jail. But looking from Albert’s point of view he sees that contact as positive.

“They [my parents] helped raise me — I talked with them regularly on the phone or through the mail.”

Seeing his parents in jail also taught Albert an important life lesson about the consequences of crime:

“People make mistakes — and there are consequences for those mistakes.”

3. Give your foster children an outlet to work out emotions.

Your foster child needs an outlet for anxiety and stress. It may not be in athletics or organized sports, such as football, but even exploring artistic, creative or even spiritual endeavors can give your foster child a boost of self-esteem and something to get their mind off of their problems. As Albert relates:

“when things got tough — no matter where I happened to be living — I could always turn to football…Football became my refuge. When I was on the field, everything else melted away. I poured everything I had into the sport. That dedication paid off on the field…”

4. A foster child might consider you family even after they leave.

Albert admits that living with the Baileys wasn’t always picture-perfect as he dealt with the emotions of missing his biological family, but considers the Baileys family even today.

“They were my family…I still consider them family today…”

Your role as a foster parent is an important one because you have the capacity to help a child live life to their full potential, no matter their background. Albert Wilson’s success can be partly attributed to the support he received from the foster families in his life.

“Without the Baileys and my cousin, I don’t know what would have happened.“

You can read more about Albert Wilson’s life as a foster kid, his foster family, and how he’s helping other foster kids.

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When Foster Parenting is More Than You Bargained For

Emergency foster care placement is what we were labeled. Most parents have months to prepare for their child arriving into the world. We only had 4 days! Less than 1 week of scrambling for clothes, toys, lawyers, and paperwork. So. Much. Paperwork! We joke that no labor pains were needed, the papercuts were harsh enough! At the time, we didn’t know if we were going to have children in our home for a week or 2 days.

We received the phone call that we were licensed foster parents, and to come to the DHS office immediately to pick up our new placements. At 4:30 p.m. on January 28th, I met 2 children, with the clothes on their back, broken shoes (our little girl was even walking on the heels of hers as she couldn’t fit her foot into the unmatched shoes she had on), a backpack each with a pair of socks and a change of underwear. A stuffed animal they were given by one of the case workers still sits on our living room shelf.

When our foster kids came to stay with us, we just knew it wouldn’t be permanent. These two scared children needed a roof over their heads and stability immediately. Even though they were to stay for a short time, we fell in love. We had no idea what was going to happen right around the corner.

Like most foster parents, we had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into, and the toll that parenting traumatized children would have on us as adults.

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Although these children were safe from the abuse — for an entire year, they had to re-experience the memory of their abuse over and over through continued visitation with their biological parents who had hurt them. After these visits, their behaviors escalated, even to the heartbreaking point of self-harm!

At times, we weren’t sure if we were going to make it — our marriage was challenged on a whole new level, along with our own personal sanities. We experienced intense challenges in our home life — from having only plastic silverware accessible, 24-hour watches, daily trips to the school, multiple therapeutic appointments every week. We were spending over 30 hours a week in the car driving to appointments, and sitting in waiting rooms! We were physically and emotionally exhausted!

What kept us going is our faith and our strength within each other – and we are still learning that one! We kept going because every adult that had cared for these two children, had either given up or harmed them to unimaginable lengths.

But, over time, these children have overcome. They eventually learned that no matter what, we were there to support them. They could not see us cry. We were it. And, no matter what, we had to keep moving forward. We were their constant. AND WE MADE PANCAKES WITH BLUEBERRIES!!

We still have our challenges. There is a hurdle daily. The trauma these children experienced will unfortunately be something they will have to continually overcome. They are learning what it is like to be loved, challenged, corrected, nurtured, cherished, and most importantly, parented.

So here we are. Over 2 years later. A permanent family. The Limbourgs, party of 4!

fostering-adoption-story

The Limbourgs were married in 2007 and tried to start a family right away. After years of infertility treatments, they looked into foster care after having a dream. Little did they know, that was their calling for their family foundation. They have a small farm in rural Oregon with goats, alpacas, chickens and bunnies. Their children are now involved in 4-H, and are loving every minute of it!

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I Judged Birthfamily Until I Became One

Judgment! If we are honest, we’ve all done it! And especially, as a foster parent, and hearing the stories of the children in my care, I’ve judged the birthfamily.  How could a parent choose a party, a boyfriend, or drugs over caring for a baby?

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Then one day, I received a call for a placement; however, this call wasn’t about one of THOSE families – it was a call about a child from my own family.

Child Protective Services was removing the baby from a family member – and in all honestly, we all knew the child wasn’t safe in those conditions.

I Became the Birthfamily

All of a sudden, the tables were turned and I was the one being judged, even by the CPS caseworker – just for being a member of THAT family.  And would you believe, that even though I was a licensed foster parent, the caseworker did not want to place the baby with us?  My requests to bring the baby into our family were met with deaf ears, and my frustrations with the foster care system increased, albeit from another angle.  A paradigm shift, for sure.

birthfamily-foster-care

After a number of months of fruitless calls to CPS, I actually met my youngest cousin and her foster family at a Christmas party for foster kids.  The foster parents loved her and were keeping her safe. We exchanged numbers, and the foster family kept in touch with me while she was in care.  The child eventually reunited with her other parent, and the case was closed.

Check out endmommywars.com where moms can find encouragement instead of judgement.

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac to #EndMommyWars and support other moms rather than place judgement. 

SIMILAC-Sisterhood-of-Motherhood-blogger

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Real Answers about Being a Foster Parent

It’s hard to find out what it’s really like being a foster parent.  No training is going to tell you what really happens. For the last year, each week, I’ve been asking foster parents on Instagram a question about being a foster parent.  Here are their real answers.

Follow me on Instagram for more…

What its really like being a foster parent. Lots of questions with dozens of answers.

Family visits

Missed Visits

What do you say to your foster child when a parent doesn’t show for a visit? #fostercarequestions #fostercare

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Teachers

  #FosterCareFriday – How much do you share with teachers about your kids in #fostercare? #backtoschool   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Court Hearings

#FosterCareFriday – COURT HEARINGS – Do you attend #fostercare hearing? A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Number of Kids

  #fostercarefriday: WHAT IS THE OPTIMUM NUMBER OF KIDS FOR YOUR FAMILY? #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Age Gap

Work Outside the Home

Goodbye

How many times have you had to say GOODBYE? #fostercarefriday #fostercare A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Birthmothers

  How do you show support to birthmothers? http://bit.ly/16NF3jU #FosterCareFriday #fostercare   A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on


Books

#FosterCareFriday What books have been the most helpful in your #fostering journey?

A photo posted by Penelope Webster (@foster2forever) on

Be sure and follow me on Pinterest for the answers to other questions you may have as a foster parent. Dozens of foster parents answer tough questions about being a foster parent.

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Can You Really Support THOSE Mothers?

“I can be a much better mother than her!”  I have to admit that I think that sometimes, especially as a foster parent. Even if the kids haven’t been removed from their mother because of actual abuse, but because the kids were in “unsafe conditions.”  The mother may not make the best choices in men or employment or recreational activities — but when it comes down to it — she is a mother!

And sometimes it’s really difficult to support a child’s reunification with family! Especially if we see that the child will be returning to a dysfunctional family. But supporting reunification is always the first goal of foster care!

When my young son came to my home as a neglected infant, I was upset about the neglect and lack of care given to this baby. However, I had to overcome my judgement to support this young mother in her quest to overcome her demons and have her son returned, even though it didn’t make sense to me.  I had already considered him “my baby boy” and a member of our family.

As an excited new mom, I went all out purchasing all sorts of cute baby boy clothes for “my new baby boy.”  I found the cutest 3-piece suit and had professional photos taken of my slobbery baby boy.

The butterflies twirled around my stomach before each family visit.  Then I realized something:

#sisterhoodunite

While I had feelings of loss before each family visit — this baby’s mother was feeling that loss every moment.

I realized I had to overcome my judgement of this young mother and show her support. I purchased a Mother’s Day card for this young mom from her 9-month-old son — Cookie Monster saying “I wuv you, Mommy!”  Inside the card I added a photo of her baby boy in that little suit.

#SisterhoodUnite

The next court date arrived, and sadly, it didn’t go well for her – she openly admitted her mistakes to the judge. But afterward, this young mother spoke to the Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) saying: “Please tell my son’s foster mom thank you so much for the Mother’s Day gift. It means so much to me.” That was the last time the young mother ever showed up in court or for family visits.

Sometimes we may forget how important or meaningful it is to show support and offer encouragement to the other moms. A small gesture of a simple card and photos can make a world of difference to a mom that hasn’t had any support her entire life.

I am proud to be joining the Sisterhood of Motherhood to encourage parents to support each other and to unite around the idea that we’re all in this together. I believe in this message of support and non-judgement!

Join me and become a part of the sisterhood!

Disclosure: I am honored to partner with Similac in the Sisterhood of Motherhood campaign to support other moms rather than place judgement. #SisterhoodUnite #ParentsFirst

SIMILAC-Sisterhood-of-Motherhood-blogger

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Foster Care Isn’t About You

Last year everything changed for me. We had fostered before. This sweet girl wasn’t our first baby to love and let go.

But somehow through all of our previous foster children I had managed to maintain the idea that I was the better parent in all of this. That for some reason these children really deserved to have me more than their biological parents deserved to be able to parent them. That I truly was the better parent and that anyone with half a brain would see that these kids needed to stay with me, for their own good.

And then we got baby Mary.

Her parents had been struggling with a hardcore drug addiction for years and years. This wasn’t their first CPS case and they had lost custody before. The case seemed so black and white to me at first. Of course baby Mary should stay with us. She deserved better than that. She deserved me.foster-care-birthfamily-reunification

But then the visits started. And every single week Mary came home with formula and diapers and new clothes. Every week her parents brought a disposable camera for us so that we could take pictures of her through the week and then send the camera back with her to the next visit for them to develop.

Her parents started a journal and they wanted to know every detail of what was going on – doctor’s appointments, milestones, what we was happening in our family. And every week they expressed deep thanks to us for taking care of their baby girl.

I went to court with them. I heard them stand before the judge and express how desperately they wanted their baby girl back and how they were going above and beyond what was asked of them to make sure that they could provide her with a safe place to call home. I heard the results of every drug test – negative. I saw them searching for jobs and finding a stable place to live and getting a car.

And then I realized the truth.

These people aren’t monsters. They are parents who got mixed up in some junk and who really, really hate it and who want nothing more in the world than to make a better life for their daughter.
It’s been two years and her parents are still clean. They are living a beautiful life, gainfully employed. We are so blessed to be able to see her from time to time. That baby girl is right where she needs to be.

Mary’s parents changed me. They changed the way I view foster care and adoption. They turned me into the world’s biggest cheerleader for the parents of my foster children.

Yes, I would love to adopt more children. But if there is a child in my home whose parents are really trying, I am going to do everything in my power to support them and encourage them and help them get to the point of being able to care for their child again.

Because fostering isn’t about me. It is about a child and it is about a family. But it is not about me.

foster-parent-blog-forum-support-storiesJenn is an adoptee turned foster, biological and adoptive mom. She blogs about life, faith, foster care and adoption at buildingmommymuscles.com.

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When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

As foster parents, our first goal is to always support reunification with birthfamilies. But sometimes, reunification just isn’t safe for a child, especially given situations of abuse and violence.

Foster Ducklings explains the Foster Parent’s Dilemma:

I believe in reunification. I believe in keeping families together. We started fostering because we understand that sometimes life just jumps up and kicks you in the teeth. We feel called to be able to say to bio parents, “Hey, sometimes life is too much. You worry about you and get yourself straightened out. We’ve got the baby. He’s safe and happy and loved.” We love the idea of mentoring these parents to help them learn to be the best possible parents for their child. Because we believe that the vast majority of the time, the best possible parents for a child are the ones who created her.
But… sometimes… reunification isn’t what’s best…

When parental rights are on the brink of being terminated, some birthparents just give up and disappear. {Drug addictions that just can’t be broken} Sadly, the birthparents of our two boys and another foster daughter saw their children just a few times before disappearing out of their lives.  However, some birthparents have a chance for a last visit to say goodbye to their children.

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Foster mom, Ashley, of Fostering Love at Home, wrote in her post A Time to Say Goodbye to What Used to Be:

Today my kids will be saying goodbye, officially, to their past life. Their former life connections have been terminated. They are no longer tied to where they came from. The legal process of this change occurred earlier this month, and today is when my children will be given a chance to say goodbye.

There are a lot of feelings surrounding this event. The children are anxious and worried and wanting to express anger while also crying because of the grief of the situation. Yet, they are also excited that this means adoption is getting closer. Can you imagine the conflicting feelings? Great sadness, yet great joy. Great anger, yet great happiness.

Jess of Good & Hardy expressed the intense sorry of the Goodbyes when their foster son saw his birthmom for the last time:
I felt awful….that this {birthmother} has to live with the last image of her little boy forever – him running out of a room with her in it, calling someone else mommy. It makes my stomach hurt to think about the kind of pain that must bring.

The Lark’s Nest shares in her post, the day they said goodbye:

today was the kids’ final visit with their birth mother.
it was horribly heartbreaking.
she was devastated but she tried to be strong for the kids.
she was able to have a few minutes alone with each child, individually.
she told them how much she loved them.
she told them it was okay to love their new family.
today we start the healing.
it will be a rough few weeks… months….
who knows how long it takes to be okay after losing someone you love so much.
their hearts will still ache years from now when they think about her.

The foster care system is full of brokenness. Broken homes, broken families, broken lives, broken hearts, and broken spirits.

Our role as foster parents is tough. Gut-wrenchingly tough to console grief-stricken children on situations they might not understand.

Although an emotional nightmare, a goodbye visit with birthfamily, is a means of closure. Our foster daughter intensely struggled with unresolved grief from her abandonment. Her mother chose to relinquish her parental rights just before her daughter’s ninth birthday and did not want to see her daughter again. Although, a goodbye visit would have been tough on both mother and daughter, this poor, little girl needed to see her mom one last time to say goodbye.

Children need to know they are loved and wanted.  As difficult as it can be sometimes, we just have to love them through the tough times to help them heal from the brokenness.

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Brothers Adopted by Different Families

Two days before we adopted our LilBit, I received a surprising call that LilBit’s birthmother had a newborn Baby Brother. We were the first family called so siblings could be together. We lamented on the decision of whether to have Baby Brother join our family.

Could we handle THREE rambunctious little boys, especially at our age?

Declining the placement of LilBit’s Baby Brother was the most heart-wrenching decision I’ve ever had to make.  That one decision would change not only our lives, but so many other lives too.

We have been blessed in that Baby Brother has an incredible family, and he is their pride and joy!  We have an open relationship with Baby Brother’s family and see each other occasionally.

Here are two brothers exhausted from swimming.

Can you figure out which little boy is our LilBit and which is his Baby Brother? Even LilBit can’t tell the difference!

I’m Clever

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