My Story: I was the single mother to two girls before I met my husband. The girls’ and I had been on our own with no emotional or financial support. It was tough. After meeting and falling in love with Ross, we were married and I wanted to have another child………oh, how I prayed for a son! We tried for months, and 2 years into our marriage decided to see a doctor. We discovered that I wasn’t making eggs on my own. I began medications, first oral and then on to injections and finally on to the fertility clinic where we had even more medical interventions and inseminations to try to conceive.
Month after month, I felt like a failure. Month after month, I wondered why I was denied a child when so many others were aborting babies or having them and abandoning them. I prayed, I bargained, I plead with God to give me a child. We went into debt to pay for more medications and more procedures. Until I finally said enough……the failure was more than I could stand. My heart was broken, my body had betrayed me…God had abandoned me…I was less of a woman and a failure as a wife.
A co-worker suggested that I become a foster parent since there were so many kids in need. Maybe it would help me feel better? So Ross and I attended classes and received our foster care license. I figured that I could foster kids until their parents got things figured out……..stay busy and keep my mind off of my own failure to conceive.
Why me? Why was I not good enough to be given another child?
I was scared…….confused…….and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given a child who healed me.
His Story: I was born to a mother who did not know how to take care of me. I spent my first 18 months in my room, in my crib without much interaction. I was not bathed regularly, and the medical conditions I had were not treated properly. I learned that crying didn’t get me what I needed, so I was quiet most of the time. I watched the shadows fall across my nursery wall each evening, and those same shadows disappear each morning. For 18 months I was given bottles, just enough care to keep me alive. Month after month, I waited and I wondered what this was all about. I could not evoke much of a response from those around me, so I stopped trying. The failure was more than I could stand.
Then one day, people came and took me from my nursery with the shadows on the walls each evening. And I was taken to a new place they called a safe house. It was noisy and there were people in and out. The lights and noise terrified me! I wasn’t used to all the movement, TV, radio, voices, crying, and the openness of the world outside my crib was more than I could stand. I withdrew into myself so I could get things figured out……..A car ride later I was in yet another place, and then another. The further I withdrew, the safer I felt.
Why me? Why was I not good enough to be loved like a son?
I was scared………confused……..and so very hurt.
My spirit was wounded and my heart pierced by loss.
And then I was given to a woman who healed me.
Our Story: {{God’s amazing plan}} Sometimes we pray for things to happen to us or for us, but we expect God to give them in the way WE perceive them. Had you told me 2 years ago that I would no longer yearn for a baby in my womb – that I would no longer feel the pain of secondary infertility, I would have told you that you were wrong. No way could God heal me through anything less than a pregnancy! Had you told my precious boy 2 years ago that he would have two adoring parents, two sisters, two big dogs and love to rival that of the wildest imagination – he probably would not have believed it, either. God is absolutely amazing in His gifts. He will give you more than you can ever dream possible if you allow Him the opportunity.
If I could trade my experience with my “forever boy” for a perfect, textbook pregnancy with a healthy son as the outcome – I wouldn’t. I know with every cell of my body that this child was made by God to be my son. Although he did not pass through my body to enter this world, at the time of his birth he WAS born to me…but delayed in being with me……and we both knew it the moment he was placed into my arms.
I am not a public speaker, nor am I someone who could be pointed out as a “model Christian.” I fall short of the glory of God every day of my life. I am not worthy of the gifts bestowed on me. But I can tell you that during my dark days of bargaining and pleading and begging God to give me a son, I made the promise to testify to His glory if my desires were granted. I would tell others of grace, healing, and the love of God. If you turn to Him, trust in Him – your cup will run over. I am healed. In so many more ways than I asked to be. I know only joy. I Praise God.
Deirdre works for the Nebraska Foster Adoptive Parents Association mentoring, supporting and training Nebraska’s foster parents. She and her husband, Ross, of 11 years have four children (2 adopted) and one teen under guardianship. One of her children suffers from fetal alcohol syndrome and an attachment disorder.
{ 1 comment }
