Mie

As an advocate for foster care and adoption, I wish I could say that we began this journey out of the goodness of our hearts, that we felt compassion for the children who could not be with their original family, and that we desperately wanted to provide a home to those in need. I wish we could say that we have always wanted to be foster and adoptive parents, but that is not our story. We are infertile. It was only after struggling through an uncorrectable, secondary infertility diagnosis that we even considered foster care and even that was only in hopes of adopting. Yes we loved children and sure we thought it was important that someone take care of them, but we had never stopped to think that that someone might be us.

Foster-to-adopt is one of the many family building options thrown at infertile couples. We hear things like “why don’t you just adopt” (as if it were that easy) or “there are children out there who will be lucky to have you as parents”. Most infertile, foster/adopt parents have been lucky enough to hear the infamous “adopt and you’ll get pregnant” line. These things are said by well-meaning individuals who are just trying to be supportive, but the truth of the matter is that infertility is not fixed by adoption.

I may be isolating both the infertility and the adoption community with this one, but it’s true – adoption does not cure infertility. Adoption and/or foster care may very well be the best option for you. My husband and I believe strongly that more people could and should foster/adopt and we can attest to the unbelievable joy we’ve received from traveling this road. I will continue to encourage people, infertile or not, to consider their role in foster care because there are children out there who need good homes and most of us could provide that. You can make a difference. There are children out there without a home, without parents. You should strongly consider it.

Your infertility won’t go away.

We’ve known about our fertility challenges for 5 years and have been foster parents for 2. I don’t think about infertility often – I no longer think about ovulation or calculate potential due dates on a regular basis. Frankly, with 4 preschoolers I don’t have time to worry about it. I am a grateful parent now. I have had the wonderful opportunity to parent 11 children – I have had sons and daughters in several different combinations with different personalities. My biological son now has a forever sister – one who won’t go away. I love them all so much. But I still desire to be pregnant again. I still desire to have more biological children. Even with 4 kiddos I still wonder what it would be like to add another one to the mix and I wish I could just make the decision to get pregnant, like so many others do easily. When I go to a baby shower or hear another announcement it still stings a little. The pain has faded and I’m distracted by caring for my family, but I’m still infertile. People need to know that. We can’t expect people struggling with infertility to adopt or become foster parents or even conceive through treatment to just move on and never think about infertility and the scars it causes. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week – consider reaching out to someone you know who has gone through infertility and acknowledge their journey, even if you think they’ve come to terms with their situation. It’s good to know you’re not ignored.

I wouldn’t trade our experience as foster/adopt parents for fertility – ever.

Learn the facts about infertility.

What’s your hesitation to opening your home to foster children? Join this great conversation on Facebook!

Marie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a wife, mama, foster mama, employee in corporate America, and Ph.D. student. She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and along with her husband has fostered 9 other children in 2 years. Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…

{ 3 comments }

We started out, like many couples, looking into foster care after severe (secondary) infertility. Our dreams of having a large family had been crushed by the heavy weight infertility can bring. We wanted more children. We wanted our son to have siblings. We had very self-centered motives.

So we looked into all avenues of adoption. We quickly ruled out international. We considered domestic infant adoption, though the cost was prohibitive or at least made us consider doing IVF first. We explored foster-to-adopt programs through our state and though the financial impact was substantially less, we struggled with how the revolving door of foster care would impact our family. Eventually, after talking with various friends who’d pursued adoption, primarily through foster care, we decided to become a licensed foster/adopt home through the state – willing to take legal risk placements but only “once or twice” before we turned to straight adoption.

Our lives and hearts have been changed.

Our foster care license was approved two years ago (today!). It took 19 more days before were notified and 7 more before a sweet boy and girl came through our door. I remember I’d chosen to stay home from work for a day adjust and find daycare, doctors, etc. I remember sitting there at dinner that night with an empty plate, having not made enough dinner for 5 as I was used to cooking for 3, thinking about how there was no way I could go back to work. I was in love with these children – all of them. It was apparent that caring for these children, whether I birthed them or not, was a great calling and wonderful blessing.

I did go back to work but arranged to work from home so I could transport the kids to visits. It wasn’t long before I met my first “birth family” – mom, dad, grandparents, and more. I was able to calm their fears and encourage them. I was able to tell them that their children were safe and well-cared for and loved in our home. I was able to see how much they loved their children and yet struggle with certain demons. By the end of that visit I knew we’d not only been called to care for children who needed a home, short- or long-term but also to minister to families who were struggling and needed help. By the end of that visit the parents had chosen to keep their children with us instead of moving to relatives. What an honor!

Those kiddos left after 8 weeks to move in with their grandparents and later moved into a different adoptive home. We too have moved on – in the past 2 years we’ve fostered 10 children and were privileged to adopt our beautiful daughter. We’ve had a wide variety of kids. And many, many memories. We’ve seen children reunified successfully and parents who lost custody. We’ve seen relatives step in to help and some show tough love. We’ve seen heartache and misery but also great joy and celebration.

One of the most popular things foster parents hear from those who’ve not walked in our shoes is something along the lines of “I couldn’t do that. It would be too hard to love them and let them go”. Having once been in those shoes, having said those same words, I now stand here with a radically different worldview knowing without a shadow of a doubt that though it may be hard it is well worth every sleepless night and every shed tear. We love children and families who need extra love and support. We help mentor others who think they might want to foster or adopt. We are a real-life example of a normal family doing something the world sees as extraordinary.

Sometimes we step back and ask ourselves – what if we too had said no?

What was/is your hesitation to opening your home to foster children? Join this great conversation on Facebook!

Marie (a.k.a Mie) is primary blogger at LettingGoOfMie where she writes about her journey through life as a wife, mama, foster mama, employee in corporate America, and Ph.D. student. She’s given birth to a boy, adopted a girl, and along with her husband has fostered 9 other children in 2 years. Life has taught her that it can be more than ever imagined, if she’d only learn to let go of herself and trust her Creator…