I have a defiant child! His challenging behaviors can be so frustrating as a parent attempting to help him.
Last month, I discussed the “Do-Over” as a technique to teach your child appropriate behavior as an alternative to other forms of discipline.
However, sometimes, such as during this scary blow-up rage at church, DO-OVERS JUST DON’T WORK!
My Stinkpot was in full rage mode & nothing we could do was calming him down. We were desperate, and racing to the local hospital for help. In fact, he didn’t calm down until we actually pulled up to the hospital.
A few months ago, I read The Whole-Brain Child along with Lisa Qualls and a few of her readers of One Thankful Mom.
One of the helpful strategies that I began using during one of Stinkpot’s meltdowns is:
Whole Brain Strategy #2: Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories to Calm Big Emotions.
Name It to Tame It helps children not be overwhelmed by their feelings. The authors note that we can: “name and tame the emotions we are experiencing, rather than be{ing} overwhelmed by them.” This storytelling process can help a child make sense of their experiences.
One thing that we’ve noticed with Stinkpot’s rages is that they usually occur when he hasn’t eaten a good meal in a while. During these rages, I’ve began repeating to him: “oh, you must be hungry…you get really grumpy when you’re hungry…what would you like to eat?”
By adding these narrative details while Stinkpot is raging, I’m hoping to help him make sense of what he’s experiencing with these BIG emotions and what he’s feeling in his body. Then hopefully, one day, he will realize that he’s hungry and just say “I’m hungry!”
That scary blow-up at church was so perplexing to us because he had eaten nearly two grilled cheese sandwiches before church! That intense rage (the worst in over a year) frightened us more than ever about what could be going on inside our little boy’s brain. I was in tears holding and praying over my son as we drove that ten minutes to the hospital.
After that ordeal, when we finally made it home and walked in the door, what do you think Stinkpot said to me? Yes! That’s right!
I’M HUNGRY.
How do you help your child deal with BIG emotions?
You can read The Whole-Brain Child on your Kindle or listen through Audible (how I read it).
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
We’ve been working on the name it to tame it strategy with our 5-year-old daughter. She hasn’t raged in a while, but she does blow up an awful lot. We know that a lot of her problems come from tactile hypersensitivity. This morning I gave her her favorite jeans to wear, the ones that never bother her. She put on her pants, walked into the kitchen, and threw herself onto the floor, screaming at the top of her lungs. I came in from the bathroom when I heard the screams. As I walked into the kitchen, it was as if the light when on in her head. She stopped screaming and crying, stood up and stuttered out the words, “Mommy, my pants are hurting me. May you please get me some soft pants?” I praised her for using her words to tell me what was upsetting her, and got her some soft pants. I’m still marveling at what happened! In the 8 months since she’s been with us, she has never once done this!!! It gives me hope. I’m praying that your little guy will get there, too.
Ha…the light “when” on in her head. That was supposed to be “went.” I am quite literate. =)
Check out what Emily B recently posted..Smiling This Morning
Twitter: Foster2Forever
February 23, 2013 at 5:24 am
Wow, Emily, thanks for sharing your story! Fabulous recovery! Hopefully, our kids can start using their words more instead of their voices to communicate what’s going on with them!
Praying for you. We had a little one with us for over a year and she came with big rages. She was only 2 and just shy of 3 when she left our home. Her rages at first were due to the reality that she did not know when her next meal would come, OR who her real mom or dad was since there were ‘many people’ that lived in and around her house. A constant person in her life & everyday routine were non-existent. The one thing that was excruciating at first was I would just hold her and gently rock when she raged. She had no sensory issues so the holding was not an issue with her. I would not allow her arms to fly and just cradle her in my arms singing to her. Sometimes she would be facing outward if she tried to spit but I remained gentle and calm ONLY through the power of the HS! There was no magic trick to this and I know it will not work with every child, yet for this one it kept her from pulling her hair out, pulling scabs off her skin and biting herself. Instead it replaced those coping mechanisms with unconditional love and stability. As we rocked and she began to calm her body softened and she was able to go about business with the security that she was OK. It was daily at first and after a month of doing this she did not rage anymore. Tantrum, yes, but rage no. It is great to know the reason behind the rage. For some kids the food issue is a huge anxiety to them as they may not have had enough of it at home. Once we hit a normal routine with this one she seemed to become much more acclimated to life. They are all so different and it is only through the holy spirit that we can be guided through helping them work it all out!