This week, I received a question from a reader that applies to nearly every adoptive family in the foster care community. How much do you share with your children about the reasons they are adopted?
Here is an excerpt from the message I received:
Hi there! We have recently completed our first adoption of a 3-year-old child. They came to us through foster care 10 months ago, and I am trying to find a way to explain to them why they came to be with us… any suggestions? We cannot currently have contact with their birth family for safety reasons, though we want to revisit the possibility as time goes on.
I thought about writing a little book about their story – but how do you remove the age-inappropriate aspects (teen pregnancy, mental illness, drug addiction, suicide, incest, gang life and criminal activity, mafia ties, etc), while still giving them a reason for having had to leave their birth family, and not trivializing it all to the point that when they are old enough to know more they resent you for not being open enough in the past? Big giant question, I know – just hoping for some insight from someone who has adopted a young child through foster care. It’s hard to know what to say.
We are in the same situation with our Stinkpot. This was my reply:
At four years old, I tell Stinkpot about being brought to us by a lady one night & that he cried all that night. I know that his drug-addicted birthmother loved him but just couldn’t kick the habit. When he gets to a point when he might ask, I’m just going to tell him that bio-mom couldn’t take care of him. If pressed, then I would explain how she had some problems that didn’t allow her to take good care of him. Depending on his age, I will probably use it as a teaching moment about drug abuse when he is old enough to understand it.
Your children are young & as they get older they will probably not remember much so I wouldn’t fret over it too much. Just be supportive & don’t talk badly about their birthfamily. I have a relative with an incarcerated parent that used to say: “I’m a bad person, just like my dad.” Don’t let that happen to your child!
What advice would you give about sharing a child’s traumatic past with them?
I would love to hear from former foster children and what you wanted (or didn’t want) to know?
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
This is something that I have been thinking about alot lately. I am a foster/adopt mom of preschoolers. It’s a long story, but we still maintain visits with the biological parents. They frequently (almost every visit) bring toys and gifts for the kids. We see bios once a month and there is no doubt in my mind that the bios love our kids. They just did ,,, while the case was open … and continue to … make poor life choices. How do I talk to the kids as time goes by telling them the truth about the bad things done by their bios? We’ve had a few minor conversations about it so far – just ending in the judge/court decided that you should live with mommy and daddy and we are so happy to have you! That has been enough of an explanation for a preschooler but I know the time is coming soon when the issue of why will be pressed hard. How do they reconcile that with the bio parents they see regulalry who brings them gifts and is so interested in their lives? Also related – jail time is a possibility for the bio parents in the future. Do you tell young children their bio parents are in jail? Anyone have insight?
Lifebooks by Beth O’Malley is a lifesaver!
Just google it. She is fantastic at helping parents exlain these hard situations to children!
So… I don sugarcoat things. My kids KNOW the general idea of why they were removed from their biological families. They know it in “kidspeak”, but they know. I have spoken to MANY therapists about this, and they all gave me the same advice- if you are not 100% forthcoming and honest, they will make up an “imaginary birthparent” that is a millionaire in another country with ponies and castles. Before this, I told my children that their Tummy Mommy was making unsafe choices, and they had to have a safe home. It worked, but I can tell you that now that they know more clearly WHAT unsafe choices were being made, they are doing SO MUCH BETTER therapuetic wise. They are coping better and adjusting MUCH MUCH MUCH better!!
Each of my children have a LIFEBOOK. This is much different than a scrapbook…and it starts their story from before they were born- not just from when they came to our family! It talks about why they were removed from their biological families. It helps them so much! We were given a book about Lifebooks from a friend, and it has been a lifesaver. You can google it. The author is Beth O’Malley. She is AMAZING! She is a therapist that was actually adopted as a foster child, so she knows from firsthand experience what these kiddos need to know.
Beth was kind enough to give me a copy of her guide to LifeBooks that I will be giving away on my blog. I will gladly share the wealth with your readers Penny.
Send them over!
Maybe you can talk about choices. We all make good and bad choices in life and we try to teach our kids about the consequences of their choices. Maybe you can tell them that their parents loved them and obvious by the choices they do now to visit, gifts, shower them in love and that they also made a few choices without thinking about the consequences thus resulting in the state to make a decision for them regarding the kids. You can also let them know that people learn from their choices rather good or bad just like learning from their mistakes. I too have an adoptive 3 year old and I worry about what/how much to tell her. We do not have visits not because of safety but because I do not think (caseworkers feel same way) that the birth mom will understand due to her intelligence level. My daughter now has 2 brothers that continue to live with the bio mom but she now has support from her boyfriends family which she didn’t have before. When my daughter wants to visit then I’ll try to arrange it then. I do still send Mother’s day cards but I use my daughters birth name and not the name we gave her.
I LOVE your thoughts on discussing choices!! And learning from mistakes. Pretty much genius.
Twitter: Foster2Forever
April 17, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Teaching about choices is a great way to help kids understand how their choices affect others.