Hello! I am Foster Mama and Penny was sweet enough to let me guest post for you today. You can read all about my foster care and adoption adventures over at: Foster Mama & the kiddos. My husband and I have been foster parents for just over a year and in that time have had five placements. Sadly, we have said goodbye to four of them.
Two of these placements were especially hard on our family. One was our first placement, a baby girl just two days old who was with our family for 5 ½ months. The other was our third placement and our longest to date at nine months. He was placed with us at 4 days old. He is going home today. To say that those wounds are fresh would be an understatement. Saying goodbye is not easy for me. Sure bonding comes with each child at their own time. One of my favorite posts is by Noisy. Colorful. Livel. “Attachment, where’s the Velcro when you need it.” With these little ones, the newborn babes, bonding is effortless for me. Give me a baby to hold in my arms and they are mine. Loved. Adored.
When we first started foster care we thought that adoption would come up at some point. That eventually we would adopt and we were happy when that day came. We had a young son in the home and weren’t too anxious to have any permanent newcomer. Oh, what a difference a day can make. From the moment these little ones were in our home I did not want to let them go. However, when you sign up as a foster mom you sign up to support family reunification first. So of course that day came when I was forced to let go.
In the case of our first placement, Little Miss, she wasn’t returned home. Instead a local Native American tribe took jurisdiction on the case since her birth mother had enrolled with them just after giving birth. Under the ICWA laws I did not have first choice after family was ruled out because I do not have any considerable Native American history. Her loss was devastating to say the least. I remember crying my eyes out after she left. I also remember feeling completely normal and putting those feelings of grief aside. It wasn’t until later when another Native American little girl was placed with us that those feelings of loss crept up and overwhelmed me. It is completely normal to feel the different stages of loss. It is important to validate your feelings and talk about them.
Little Dude, who is the baby who is going home today, was placed with me the day after I found out I was losing Little Miss. In some ways I had hope that he was some blessing from on high. A way to make up for the loss of our sweet baby girl. His case has been up and down. There were times I was certain adoption would happen. I prayed it would. Hope kept being drawn-out as extensions in the case were granted. However, all concerns with his biological family were resolved and he was able to return to his father. I am still in shock. Letting go is not easy. But I do know that it is possible. That I can love again.
Foster care is incredibly rewarding and, honestly, I wouldn’t trade these experiences. I am growing so much as a person – and more importantly as a Mother.
Be sure and join in the FOSTER CARE BLOG HOP for National Foster Care Month!
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. And thanks for the link
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Really nicely written!
Brooke Annessa
http://www.theannessafamily.blogspot.com
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You are in my thoughts and prayers today, Foster Mama!
We’ve got a little 1 year old who is leaving us today too. We’ve only had him 2 1/2 months and have never had any time where we thought we might be able to adopt him, so it makes it a little easier to see him go. I’m sure I will still cry uncontrollably after I take him though. I still think of our first placement, who we got at 4 months and had for 11 months, just about every single day. Saying goodbye is by far the hardest part of foster care for me. Even though it’s heartbreaking I wouldn’t trade my experiences with these sweet little kids either.
Thanks for sharing. Letting go is definitely the hardest part of all! Equivalent to a death!
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great post — I feel exactly the same way – we are on our third placement, first was my niece’s children who were with us on and off for 18 months….2nd placement was a 2 month old and we only had him for 34 days but he was returned to family with only a 2 hour notice, no chance to even say goodbye. This time, we have an 18-month-old girl who was placed with us 3 weeks ago. There has already been mention of possible adoption of her and her unborn baby brother. I am excited but trying to NOT get my hopes up as I know things change soooo very quickly. I have a hard time with the heartbreak of letting them go but would also not trade it for anything! It feels great to know you are helping these little ones in their time of need, just making them feel comfortable in the worst situations possible. Good luck to you as your little one leaves, my heart breaks for you:(
Twitter: bonbonrosegirls
May 13, 2011 at 8:09 pm
I don’t know how you do it…but those little ones who’ve been in and will be in your care are so lucky that you do!
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Twitter: Rita4kids
May 13, 2011 at 11:18 pm
Oh, the tears! Can only imgaine. I remember well the rollercoaster ride of they are going home, wait, they are not, can you adopt, oh – they are going home. Foster care and the unknown is not easy…but as you said I wouldn’t trade it for the world! Good luck to you…and know we are all thinking about you!!! Sending you big hugs:)
Rita Brennan Freay
@Rita4kids
ritabrennanfreay.com
Twitter: pipsersmom
May 15, 2011 at 5:44 pm
This topic makes me want to vomit. I know we will experience it at some point, with some child. Thank you for your awesome posts.
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Fostering children is an amazing thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to be willing to support family reunification. Lovely post.
Thanks for visiting on my SITS day. Come back any time. You’re always welcome at my place.
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Reading your posts have helped me so much. Our first placement was a 6yr old boy and 2yr old girl who were with us for 13 months. We were told they were going home so many times but then they always stayed. We received a one day notice on Monday of last week and had to return them Tuesday evening. It was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. I know we should be proud as we gave them a loving/stable home; the most stability they had in over 2 years. I love them as if they were my own children. How do you get passed that and move on to the next foster child? Does it get a little easier after the first time?
I would like to know how to let my kids foster family know how much they mean to me and that they will always be family to me and my kids. They have been with them for 2 years and they are now coming home. These people have been wonderful to me ,my kids and my new baby with out them none of this would be able to happen . I was really close with them untill we got the news they would be coming home . I am sure they are crushed and I just want them to know they will always be mama holly and dady shane to the kids as well as their kids brother and sister. Can anyone tell me the best way to go about this please
Twitter: Foster2Forever
February 15, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Congrats on restoring your family! I think a simple card with a letter stating how you feel would help them through the healing process.
I was hoping that reading your comments could help me with my emotions this morning. I have two wonderful grown sons that I love very much. Never thought I would love another persons child the way I love my great niece. She is a beautiful 5 year old little girl and I have been in her life on an off since she was born. Both of her parents have been in jail for almost 2 years now and she has been with me. Now her mother is getting out early and is going to be living with my 83 year old mother. I should be happy but I cry all the time. Abby is cried last night. I ask her why and she said “Aunt Paula, I am your little girl and I don’t know whats going to happen!” I am the guardian of this child but she seems like my own. How can I ever give her up? Don’t think I am going to get through this!
HELP
Twitter: Foster2Forever
March 4, 2012 at 7:00 pm
I’ve said goodbye to a couple of little girls that touched my heart. It hurts! I believe the worst part for me was not knowing how they were after leaving and knowing that I would never see them again. Hopefully, you’ll be able to spend time with Abby and still be a large part of her life. Maybe you could arrange for special times together?
Abby said it best. You are her little girl and always will be. The little ones do stay in our hearts.
{{{BIG virtual HUG to you!!!}}}
Oh Paula. I know how badly it can hurt – we talk so much as foster parents of the loss that we feel. I have never stopped to think what a family member in your situation can feel as well. I think something that would help at her age is to do a recordable story book or get a special stuffed animal. Help her to know that when she misses you she can cuddle with the animal or listen to the story. It definitely won’t make up for the loss but it will help her to have something tangible. I agree with Penelope to try to set up special times to still be involved in her life. Her mother may be open to it or feel threatened at first… just help her to know that you care very much for your niece and her and just want to be another blessing in their lives. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. As a newer foster mom myself, I was searching for posts to help me deal with our first “loss”. Our little dude came to us at 5 mths old and is leaving at 13 mths old. We have shared many firsts with him and I am finding it harder to let go than I had originally thought. We will recover, but it is nice to read from people who have been through similar situations. thank you.
Twitter: Foster2Forever
July 19, 2012 at 4:45 am
So sorry for your loss, Erin! It’s tough. Praying for your heart.
Twitter: iwasafosterkid
July 19, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Thank you for sharing this. We had our first kids placed with us 6 months ago and they probably won’t be going home any time soon. The plan at this point is still for them to return to their bio family though. There are days when I forget this because they feel like mine. There are days when I remember and I try to predict how I will handle it. I think you summed it up well.
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As we prepare to go to court on Wed. this post is timely . We’ve had our little guy from 3 days old. He is now 18 months old and a full member of our family. We’ve only had 2 other placements leave and they were only here for 5 wks and 2 wks. 18 months is going to be much different! I will be praying for Foster Mama as my heart aches as well!
Twitter: Foster2Forever
September 8, 2012 at 4:39 pm
So sorry, Melissa! Letting go of our foster kids that have been an integral part of our family is so hard. I pray that you find peace in knowing that you made a difference in a child’s life. It’s easier, I think, when you know what happened to them.
I am going through my first set of children whom have been with me for over a year. I am devistated and feel like I am loosing a huge peice of my heart. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over it and wonder if I will ever see them again. I only wish I could be there guardian angle. It is like a death has taken place when they tell you that they are moving them. Especially when it is not for a forever home. I worry that they will not recieve the care I have given them in their new foster home and can only think of all the milestone they have conquerd while in my care. I have a lot of issues with the system and how they tell you one thing and then turn their backs on all of their training guidelines to do another. I almost wish I didn’t know any better- I find myself wondering if adoption is a better option and then I wonder if I could do more for all of those other children out there. How to reach the masses- I am just hurting so bad that I don’t want to feel this way again. I also don’t want to become hard like so many others I see out there. How do we protect ourselves yet continue to do good? I wish that foster parents had just as much rights or could just be heard by the judge as the case workers, council, and gardian ad litems do. The fact is that we know are children and their needs better than any of these people and our knowlege should be considered not just swept under the carpet.
Twitter: Foster2Forever
September 8, 2012 at 4:43 pm
So sorry for your loss, Ragan! In Texas, a foster parent does have a say in court if the child has been in your care for over a year. Most foster parents don’t realize this or don’t think to hire an attorney. Sad since your kids aren’t going to a forever family…
I believe it is so incredibly wrong to rip kids out of foster in one day. Someday people will look back on how inhumane the foster care system is. I’ve had our little person for 14 months and knowing his history, I don’t know how I’ll survive if they give him back. I’ve had other kids who I could let go of because they had a relationship with their mom and she loved them. The courts, However, put birth mother importance over the welfare of a child and are too quick to return them to an unhealthy environment. Too much they get injured or return to the system, older and less adoptable and eventually age out. I don’t know why this article is named thus. It’s impossible to do so to any reasonable human being. Deep down everyone knows this is an insane way to treat children.
Twitter: Foster2Forever
September 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm
thanks, Jess! After such a long time in foster care, a transition plan for the kids should be mandatory! After a year, a foster parent has legal standing in the court system. This is what happened in our case: http://foster2forever.com/2010/02/update-on-lil-bit-part-2-our-day-in-court.html
Big hugs!