DISCOVERING INFERTILITY


Does adoption cure infertility?
During the month of that incredible virgin birth, I will be taking you along the journey I have been traveling for the last few years – my journey of infertility.  

In November of 2006, after discovering my husband’s infertility (and soon thereafter my own), 
I was filled with doubt – about my choices, my marriage, my life in general.  

Below is the entry in my journal from that emotional time. It is full of questions and doubt, and gives a glimpse into my emotional state at that time …

What am I doing? I have no idea!

I feel lost in a sea of confusion and I’m drowning quickly! The diversity of my emotions is overwhelming at times.  My sadness, anger, grief and loneliness follows me and, without notice, jumps from behind and overtakes me. 

My inclination is to run as I did as a child.  
But, where will I go and what will I do? 
I would be running away from reminders of bad feelings, instead of running to something. 
But would I be able to really get away from these reminders or would other reminders take their place? 
How can I break this cycle?

I love my husband with all my heart and I know that I will never be able to experience LOVE this wonderful, this emotional, and this pure, ever again. This is once in a lifetime LOVE!
What would’ve happened had I walked away? 
I’d still be in Houston 
– same job 
– same routine (with a few trips mixed in), 
but still searching for that soul mate 
– feeling all but dead inside.

I’m glad I left that life, 
and I really don’t want to return to that phase (of singleness) in my life.
I’m in a new phase of my life, 
yet I still feel that I missed the boat somewhere

As I approach 42 years of age, I realize that I probably will never have a baby of my own to hold in my arms and rock to sleep. 
And if I do, the chances increase every single month that the child will have genetic malformations.  
Would I be prepared to handle the challenges that a special needs child brings?
Can I feel whole without a child?
Will I live in a state of constant regret?

But, will a normal, healthy baby that fulfills that desire, help calm the turbulent waters of my emotions?

That entry was from 4 years ago. My life has changed drastically, as I now have 2 toddler boys that keep me on my toes…
Did adoption cure my infertility? I’ll delve more into those emotions this month.